I just had my first baby a week ago. MIL and I got along prior but never very close. Husband and I would visit her home often, but she’d never really visit ours. I recently had the first grand baby on both sides, mine and husbands. MIL is acting insane now and making me feel like she wants my baby. She has only ever had sons, no daughter. She wants to show up at my house everyday to ogle at baby. It’s getting exhausting because I’m recovering from emergency c-section and not comfortable with her being around so often given that she works in a factory and could bring to my home some sort of sickness to my newborn baby. Husband enforced a boundary; no visitors until baby is vaccinated and we’re ready. MIL seems to blame me for this and is now acting out. She drops by to drop things off at my front door in an effort to “help us”, which comes off desperately as an attempt to see if we’ll open our front door and let her in to be with baby. On a recent visit, she caught me outside and asked how her daughter is doing. I was confused because she doesn’t have a daughter, then I realized she was asking about my baby. She then started telling me about all of these plans she has for my child, including throwing a party for her in December so she can be passed around a room with all of her friends and how next summer her family from overseas will come to care for baby. Not once did she ask me, or my husband, the baby’s parents if we are comfortable with any of this. I live in Canada and took 18 months off to be with my baby. I don’t need anyone to care for her. MIL calls me a few days later (she rarely ever checks on me) and starts asking me about her granddaughter and attempts to guilt trip me into saying how she misses the baby, how she talks to the baby’s photos and how she loves my baby more than she loves her sons. I calmly told her that my daughter is mine and her son’s child and she needs to back off and give us our space to be parents. I also told her that we didn’t have this child for her, we had this child because we were ready to be parents. I explained our boundaries and that she needs to respect them and any plans she has she must run by my husband and I first. She seemed to understand but I still feel so uneasy about her. She seems insane now with all of those things she said about my daughter and it’s starting to build resentment in me as her DIL. I’m not even 2 weeks pp and I feel so drained by how she’s acting. AITA or should she respect boundaries?
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I just had my first baby a week ago. MIL and I got along prior but never very close. Husband and I would visit her home often, but she’d never really visit ours. I recently had the first grand baby on both sides, mine and husbands. MIL is acting insane now and making me feel like she wants my baby. She has only ever had sons, no daughter. She wants to show up at my house everyday to ogle at baby. It’s getting exhausting because I’m recovering from emergency c-section and not comfortable with her being around so often given that she works in a factory and could bring to my home some sort of sickness to my newborn baby. Husband enforced a boundary; no visitors until baby is vaccinated and we’re ready. MIL seems to blame me for this and is now acting out. She drops by to drop things off at my front door in an effort to “help us”, which comes off desperately as an attempt to see if we’ll open our front door and let her in to be with baby. On a recent visit, she caught me outside and asked how her daughter is doing. I was confused because she doesn’t have a daughter, then I realized she was asking about my baby. She then started telling me about all of these plans she has for my child, including throwing a party for her in December so she can be passed around a room with all of her friends and how next summer her family from overseas will come to care for baby. Not once did she ask me, or my husband, the baby’s parents if we are comfortable with any of this. I live in Canada and took 18 months off to be with my baby. I don’t need anyone to care for her. MIL calls me a few days later (she rarely ever checks on me) and starts asking me about her granddaughter and attempts to guilt trip me into saying how she misses the baby, how she talks to the baby’s photos and how she loves my baby more than she loves her sons. I calmly told her that my daughter is mine and her son’s child and she needs to back off and give us our space to be parents. I also told her that we didn’t have this child for her, we had this child because we were ready to be parents. I explained our boundaries and that she needs to respect them and any plans she has she must run by my husband and I first. She seemed to understand but I still feel so uneasy about her. She seems insane now with all of those things she said about my daughter and it’s starting to build resentment in me as her DIL. I’m not even 2 weeks pp and I feel so drained by how she’s acting. AITA or should she respect boundaries?
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> I told MIL off and wondering if I’m being an asshole by not allowing her to visit with baby until husband and I are ready.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You just had a baby and set reasonable boundaries. MIL overstepping and guilt-tripping is not okay your child and your space come first. Stay firm.
NTA. I’m so sorry this must be really tough for you, especially while recovering.
NTA mil sounds like a real piece of work and I suggest you ask husband to set firm boundaries since she isn’t listening when you do. If she can’t respect boundaries then she doesn’t need to see your baby
NTA
MIL is disrespecting boundaries set by you and your husband, which are not unreasonable. You are the parents, you both make the rules.
I would suggest getting security cameras if you do not have them already, and changing the locks if she has a spare key. If she is seeing your daughter as hers, then you can never know to what lengths she may go to see or get to her. You hear some wild stories on here about MILs. She may not be this bad, but do what you need to do to protect yourselves.
Have your husband be the point of contact with her to reduce the stress on you. Alternatively, don’t block her, just either don’t answer calls so she messages, or record calls. She could potentially attempt to spin the narrative that you have PPD and are completely unreasonable, not letting her see your daughter, painting you in a bad light to other people. Get as much evidence as you can of how she is acting through written communication/CCTV/recorded calls, etc., just in case you need it.
Also, have your husband reiterate the boundaries in writing. This also needs to include the implications of not respecting them. This could mean she has to wait longer to see the baby, or not see her at all. He should also explain why he is reiterating the boundaries, which is that she has disrespected them so far, so this is the last warning.
Be tough and be firm. If she sees you are breaking, she will think she is winning and will continue to push and disrespect boundaries until she gets exactly what she wants.
You’ve set reasonable boundaries as a new parent, and MIL’s behavior is overstepping. Your baby’s health and your recovery come first she needs to respect your rules and consult you before making any plans. Stay firm; her overstepping isn’t your responsibility.
NAH
Unfortunately, a lot of fresh grandparents are off their rockers. This phase should pass after a while, but it sure can be very exhausting. YNTA for establishing boundaries, your hubby gets the same pass, and the granny’s got one for now.
Since it’s the MIL, it’s your husband’s role to handle her. His actions seem to be working, so the MIL is trying to navigate around him by contacting you instead. Should she become a PITA, then she gets an AH, but maybe just not yet.
One way to handle this would be to give her something to do related to the well-being of the baby and your family. Maybe she could prepare meals suitable for freezing for those days one really doesn’t have time for cooking. Or she should start knitting mittens, caps, and woolen socks for the baby.
Whatever it is, the aim is to give her an opportunity to get the feeling of participation – and when the granny is busy learning how to knit tiny booties at her own home, she’s not disrupting your family life. You can even try to guilt-trip her for handicrafts – if she offers just to buy things, tell how much you loved your meemaw’s hand-knitted mittens.
ESH She’s too demanding but I also think it’s not right to give her any access to her grandchild in any form whatsoever at all. If I understand correctly you didn’t let her see her grandchild at all?
NTA. No one is entitled to see your child until you and your husband are comfortable with it. You are recovering from a major surgery and need to be able to heal while adjusting to taking care of your newborn. You and your husband agreed on a reasonable boundary of until vaccinated. I get this is her first grandchild and she is excited but that does not mean she gets free reign to do whatever she wants. Planning events to show off your child without even discussing with you is a 🚩to me. You need to set clear boundaries and consequences if they are not respected or she will take what should be a happy time for bonding and recovery and turn it into a stressful drama filled time.
Respect yours and husband’s boundaries. Maybe your husband can get his father or other family members to speak with mother.
NTA. Nothing makes me cringe more than hearing a grandparent refer to their grandchild as “their baby” Eww! It completely disrespects the whole pregnancy/childbirth experience that the ACTUAL mother just went through. I love my daughter in law (honestly as much as my son) she’s terrific. I cannot imagine treating her like that.
NTA. Unfortunately I had a very similar experience with my MIL and like someone else has mentioned, this happens a lot for others as well. The only thing that cooled my MIL off was being very direct and having my husband handle her.
I think a lot of grandparents have grand fantasies about their involvement and they get a bit obsessive without considering the actual parents. My MIL took it upon herself to retire, assuming she’d be childcare for us which we didn’t need. She also booked a cruise for herself and our daughter without asking?!?! lol I have tons of other scenarios but none of these things happened because we were just very firm.
Let her be delusional but continue to set boundaries politely and firmly. She will either come back down to reality and be happy to be involved or she will sour the relationship and ruin it for herself.
How about compromising? Tell MIL that she can come by 2 days out of the week, but she has to first go home and shower, dont come straight from work, stop referring to her as her daughter. I know you’re excited for baby, but she’s MY daughter, and to please stop coming by unannounced. And let her know that if she doesn’t respect these boundaries, she won’t be able to come by at all. I think it’s over the top to have the first grand baby and then be shocked and appalled that ppl are excited to see her and meet her. That MIL can be your support for when you ARE exhausted and tired and need a break. Dont burn that bridge. Meet her halfway. And THEN, if she STILL doesn’t follow the boundaries, you can cut her off.