My partner (39F)and I (37F) have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for 1.5 years. I immigrated to my partners country (USA) 3 years ago, and since my partner is not willing to move back to my country, we are staying here, which involves me giving up a better job opportunity back home, being away from family, and most recently, dealing with the current political situation which threatens my job security (I work in a federally funded position). Because I came over on a visa, I had restricted income, while my partner has always made 2x more than me (her salary is $170k) in a HCOL city.
My partner insists on splitting everything 50/50 and ensuring that she is able to travel even if I can’t afford it. Even over the holidays when we were going to visit my family in my country (a 1.5 hr flight) my partner paid for her own plane ticket using her travel points, while I paid my own. The “cost” in points to cover my ticket would have been miniscule, but she insisted that since we were going to see my family that I should pay my own way. At this point in our relationship, I want her to cover certain things given I am giving up alot to stay here and the length and seriousness of our relationship (we’ve talked seriously about marriage).
Recently, she booked an international trip with a friend (which has been the plan for a long time), but tonight she informed me that she is extending the trip to two weeks to travel around Europe. I can’t go because I have been advised by my work not to travel internationally given what is going on at the border (due to my immigration status) and because I can’t afford it anyway. I feel upset that she would extend the trip knowing I am unable to join. When we were talking about me potentially coming on this trip a couple of months ago, she offered to use her points to cover my plane ticket, but nothing else (eg hotel), so it was still too much for me to afford. This trip would be to go see her compete in a sport. I feel resentful that she wouldn’t offer to cover more of the trip. She isn’t hard up on money, and has substantial savings and investments. She does anticipate having to support a parent later on in life, whereas I don’t. One important factor is that she grew up poor and is now focused on enjoying her money.
I noticed since we moved in together that I often feel left out. She doesn’t empathize with my financial situation and is frequently focused on herself, independent of what I am going through. I don’t expect my partner to pay for everything, I believe in contributing fairly, but I wish she would cover things when she can.
I want to let go of this resentment but I’m confused about whether I deserve a more empathic partner. When I expressed my upset, she became angry, saying that she deserves this trip after training so hard to compete in the sport and that I’m just jealous and unsupportive. AITA?
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My partner (39F)and I (37F) have been together for 2.5 years and lived together for 1.5 years. I immigrated to my partners country (USA) 3 years ago, and since my partner is not willing to move back to my country, we are staying here, which involves me giving up a better job opportunity back home, being away from family, and most recently, dealing with the current political situation which threatens my job security (I work in a federally funded position). Because I came over on a visa, I had restricted income, while my partner has always made 2x more than me (her salary is $170k) in a HCOL city.
My partner insists on splitting everything 50/50 and ensuring that she is able to travel even if I can’t afford it. Even over the holidays when we were going to visit my family in my country (a 1.5 hr flight) my partner paid for her own plane ticket using her travel points, while I paid my own. The “cost” in points to cover my ticket would have been miniscule, but she insisted that since we were going to see my family that I should pay my own way. At this point in our relationship, I want her to cover certain things given I am giving up alot to stay here and the length and seriousness of our relationship (we’ve talked seriously about marriage).
Recently, she booked an international trip with a friend (which has been the plan for a long time), but tonight she informed me that she is extending the trip to two weeks to travel around Europe. I can’t go because I have been advised by my work not to travel internationally given what is going on at the border (due to my immigration status) and because I can’t afford it anyway. I feel upset that she would extend the trip knowing I am unable to join. When we were talking about me potentially coming on this trip a couple of months ago, she offered to use her points to cover my plane ticket, but nothing else (eg hotel), so it was still too much for me to afford. This trip would be to go see her compete in a sport. I feel resentful that she wouldn’t offer to cover more of the trip. She isn’t hard up on money, and has substantial savings and investments. She does anticipate having to support a parent later on in life, whereas I don’t. One important factor is that she grew up poor and is now focused on enjoying her money.
I noticed since we moved in together that I often feel left out. She doesn’t empathize with my financial situation and is frequently focused on herself, independent of what I am going through. I don’t expect my partner to pay for everything, I believe in contributing fairly, but I wish she would cover things when she can.
I want to let go of this resentment but I’m confused about whether I deserve a more empathic partner. When I expressed my upset, she became angry, saying that she deserves this trip after training so hard to compete in the sport and that I’m just jealous and unsupportive. AITA?
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> AITA for telling her I am upset that she extended the trip and that I want her to cover more of our trips when she can?
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I would consider moving back home. The relationship as you describe is neither fair nor equitable. Dating someone selfish means dealing with large red flags.
She’s supposed to love you and be your partner and her behaviors don’t support that.
NTA – This is not a true partnership whatsoever. An equitable relationship is not splitting everything 50/50 regardless of a difference in financial circumstances, especially given the factors beyond your control you mentioned. A partnership is about people giving an equal percentage of what they have: time, money, attention, et cetera. She keeps score and thinks only of herself. None of this is fair to you nor is the lack of care surrounding it.
These are not things that seem like they will change. You deserve someone who gives as much to you as you give to them and who would want you part of things regardless of your finances.
Honestly, I don’t think you guys mesh. Bills and stuff should be split based on how much you each make. 50/50 only really works if you make around the same, and you clearly don’t. Honestly I’d go back to the better job opportunity at home if at all possible. NTA
NTA
Your partner appears to lack consideration despite everything you’ve given up to be with her. Granted she shouldn’t HAVE to pay for your share of things, it’s really her lack of empathy regarding your circumstances that bother me. She could do better by you, and you may do better without her.
NTA. You keep using that hword (partner). I do not think it means what you think it means.
I (56m) make more than my partner (46m), on a scale similar to yours. We have been together 20 years. I typically pay for travel expenses when we travel. Usually both air and hotel, but sometimes my partner wants to pay for one or the other, but that is the exception.
NTA. You are entitled to feel disrespected and IMO your partner should recognize and take steps to make you comfortable. That she does not want to do so likely will not change but you should examine that and evaluate your relationship accordingly. To me it seems less like a partnership than cohabitation.
you’re DEFINITELY NOT the asshole.
She just comes off as narcissistic and selfish, very self centred who doesn’t take your feelings into consideration. She refuses to move back to your home country, where you both could have great jobs and incomes, and you could be with your family, and she has the finances to fly back and see hers when she needs to. Living that far away from your family can be isolating, and with something that unsupportive of your feelings, I can’t imagine how difficult that is for you. I know you probably love her so i’ll try and be nice. But you’re definitely not the asshole.
It’s not a partnership unless you are married.
NTA. The word partner does not mean what you think it means.
NTA. Your partner has zero cares about you, period. Time to end this relationship.
I always say… if someone wants 50/50 then it needs to be within the lowest earners budget, with enough left over for fun and future planning.
You guys should move to cheaper accommodation and cut down on bills and utilities. If she doesn’t want to do that… she needs to contribute more.
NTA, you feel what you feel, and it sounds like you’re respecting her boundaries even if they make you unhappy. I would recommend exploring beliefs, values, and fears around money, ideally with a qualified therapist. I would strongly recommend you do this before making any permanent commitments like marriage. And I wouldn’t rule out going home, taking that better paying job, and looking for a more thoughtful partner (I want to recognize that you’ve only described her in this one dimension; I hope she’s thoughtful in other ways).
She is very clear about how she wants finances to be handled in the relationship. You have this picture in your head that the natural and only course in a relationship is to merge finances. That is untrue. Each person in the relationship gets to define their boundaries and you can only choose to opt in or opt out. You need to have a discussion and make a decision instead of mentally boxing her for not resting your thoughts.
Your GF is selfish and doesn’t appear to respect you. She is walking all over you and doesn’t even care about your sacrifices- your career opportunities, your family, your safety as an immigrant nor your safety for being in a country that is openly hostile to LBTGQ+ folks and your quality of life now and in the future because she is making you split expenses unfairly and live in a HCOL area. If she really wanted you as a partner she would want to share new experiences with you so you could grow together. It sounds like you are just a warm body for her to come home to, who also helps pay the bills. Honestly, please reconsider going back home.
You’ve sacrificed so much to live in her home country with her and she can’t even split expenses with proportional to your incomes?
She isn’t your partner and she doesn’t view you as equal to her.
I hate to inform you, but your partner is selfish. You have to ask yourself is that the kind of person that you want to build a life with. It’s not going to get better and you may never catch up with her as far as compensation so there is always going to be a power imbalance in the relationship and she probably likes it that way.
NTA. She doesn’t sound like a very good partner. A good partner wants their partner to have fun too, and that oftentimes means somebody might pay more. Partnerships should be give and take, and it sounds like you’re the only one giving.
it doesn’t sound like your partner cares about your happiness or quality of life at all… i would rethink that job opportunity back home, if it’s still an option
NTA
I don’t think she likes you..she likes how you’re subsidizing her life though.
She’s not as invested in this relationship as you are but she’s probably “non confrontational” so is waiting for you to catch up.
My partner made more than me for a long time, and it was always “our” money between the two of us; all that mattered was that the bills were covered. We’re now about equal, I might make a tiny bit more because I’ve been at my job longer, but it’s still our money. Neither of us would ever go on a trip like that without the other because it just wouldn’t be the same without them.
A couple years ago he had the opportunity to go up to Canada for a close friend’s wedding. I didn’t have the money to make the trip but was fine with him going since they were good friends. He said either both of us went or neither of us did. That’s a real relationship and that’s the kind of equitable partner you deserve; not the kind that’s constantly nickel and diming to make sure you “pay your share”
That’s not a partner.
NTA
Also, it sounds like you’re roommates rather than in a relationship, as she’s nitpicking every single thing to make sure you remain at a disadvantage.
Ask yourself if you’re truly happy living like this.
No advice for you, but I’ll share. My wife and I think the 50/50 think is fucking bonkers. At any given point one person has more money than another, more energy, more stress, more time, etc. Through all of that, you’re both still one half of a team. Everyone gives what they can at that point in time. It’s often, and I’m a dad so very often, it’s 80/20, or 30/70.
But, we married each other, y’all are just dating. You can’t demand that a girlfriend not leave you behind. That’s like the law of the land in America. Pay, or stay home.
Take from this what you will.
Also, $170,000 in a HCOL area is nothing. I call bullshit.
NTA. She sounds very selfish
NTA, I ended a 3 year relationship for the 50/50 money mentality. that shit will destroy the relationship as it doesn’t seem there’s any partnership.
your partner can travel with their friends as much as they want but not wanting to include you in experiences or booking a trip for the two of you as a gift for the relationship is very selfish. i’m sorry but i don’t think this partner is your person.
I couldn’t get past the first paragraph. Your partner is selfish and toxic. This is not what love looks like. Go home and live your best life. Good luck
NTA. Of course you deserve an empathetic partner. Your whole post left me asking — what exactly is it you get out of this relationship? Your partner doesn’t sound like she cares about you very much. And given the work/visa situation, I think you’d be much happier in your own country.
NAH
She is breaking up with you, whether you realize it or not. Good luck.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like much of a partnership. If I was making double what my partner was, I would expect to help cover more. Especially because you could have better opportunities in your home country but are here for her.
OP, my opinion is that you should go home for those better job opportunities, to be with your family, and where you’re also safe and not an immigrant in the US in terrifying times. You’ve talked seriously about marriage, but she’s treating you like a roommate. Is this she worth the tradeoff?
You’re subsidizing your girlfriend’s fun while getting none of your own. You’re paying a high percentage of your income on bills, allowing her to spend far less, proportionally. My husband and I have vastly different incomes — but we know that doesn’t mean one of us is inherently better. We split roughly according to percentage, with me taking on far more
NTA and I’ve been there. She is selfish and only thinks about herself. Do not stay with her. Go back home.
NTA. Pack your stuff and go home. She doesnt deserve your loyalty.
NTA – this is not a partnership. This is someone you’re paying half the bills for while being left out.
NTA. Speaking just to the financial aspect I see references in the responses about how the bill split shouldn’t be 50/50 and they are all right. This is how you should split bills (I am the larger breadwinner in my relationship):
If you are both debt free you should not live in a different economic circumstance from your partner or subsidize their lifestyle.
If you have debt and they do not then you might need to sit out the travel until you pay off your dept or budget accordingly.
If your partner actually valued you as a partner, she’d make the sacrifices necessary to actually share her life with you. She’s clearly not doing that. I’d see if that job back home is still hiring and take it if it’s available
You’re not her partner as much as you’re an accessory for her to show off. She’s not treating you fairly, particularly after having made the bulk of meaningful sacrifices to make the relationship work. I will literally bet money she has said or will say soon that she’s doing you a favor by helping keep you in the U.S.
Not remotely the asshole.
Percentage. Based. Rent. I paid 66% of the rent with my last roommate because I make more. That’s what’s truly equitable. And she wasn’t even a partner where considerations are potentially different