I (35F) and my boyfriend (54M) of almost two years found out four weeks ago that I was pregnant. We didn’t think he was able to and fertile. I have an 8 year old from a previous marriage. Due to our ages and financials, my BF and I made the still painful decision to terminate. He and I live an hour apart but we see each other several times a week. When I told him he was shocked and became disengaged, withdrawn, and standoffish. He was icy and moody. I was nauseous and sick and swollen for the three weeks leading up to the abortion appointment, and I kept reaching out to him for support, to which he would change subjects and be obviously uncomfortable with discussing the pregnancy. I felt very alone. The abortion appointment was this week and he called me as I was at the clinic. I hoped he would have some words of comfort or reassurance, but he was just chatting to me about his morning errands (he knew exactly where I was). I asked if he had any words of reassurance or confidence as I go in, and he changed the subject. When I told him I was upset, he told me I was “putting him on the spot” and “overwhelming him.” I went through with the appointment and the first day was as difficult as you’d imagine. He was in my town the next morning for work, and afterwards he didn’t visit me. No checking in, no “can I get you anything?”. I had slept awfully and was cramping and in pain, he told me I could have visited him at his work for a quick hug if I wanted to see him. Finally today I let him know I really needed his support, I’m feeling abandoned and alone. I asked him if he’d come visit me, and he said he had his dinner planned already and he had had a single beer already. I expressed my disappointment later that night and I guess was harping, my emotions are all over the place and I just needed his love and reassurance and support. None of this was yelled or screamed over FaceTime, but I had a hard time letting it go because he was defensive that because he answers the phone when I call, he’s being supportive. He told me I’m being “verbally abusive” and doing everything I could to “make him feel bad.” I was devastated. At no point did I name call, curse, yell, scream, or threaten. I started crying really hard and he said he was ready to go to sleep. I cried myself to sleep, and now I’m awake and at a loss. I’ve been through an emotionally and verbally relationship before, so I’m sensitive to this. AITA? Was I being verbally abusive for expressing my needs over and over tonight?
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I (35F) and my boyfriend (54M) of almost two years found out four weeks ago that I was pregnant. We didn’t think he was able to and fertile. I have an 8 year old from a previous marriage. Due to our ages and financials, my BF and I made the still painful decision to terminate. He and I live an hour apart but we see each other several times a week. When I told him he was shocked and became disengaged, withdrawn, and standoffish. He was icy and moody. I was nauseous and sick and swollen for the three weeks leading up to the abortion appointment, and I kept reaching out to him for support, to which he would change subjects and be obviously uncomfortable with discussing the pregnancy. I felt very alone. The abortion appointment was this week and he called me as I was at the clinic. I hoped he would have some words of comfort or reassurance, but he was just chatting to me about his morning errands (he knew exactly where I was). I asked if he had any words of reassurance or confidence as I go in, and he changed the subject. When I told him I was upset, he told me I was “putting him on the spot” and “overwhelming him.” I went through with the appointment and the first day was as difficult as you’d imagine. He was in my town the next morning for work, and afterwards he didn’t visit me. No checking in, no “can I get you anything?”. I had slept awfully and was cramping and in pain, he told me I could have visited him at his work for a quick hug if I wanted to see him. Finally today I let him know I really needed his support, I’m feeling abandoned and alone. I asked him if he’d come visit me, and he said he had his dinner planned already and he had had a single beer already. I expressed my disappointment later that night and I guess was harping, my emotions are all over the place and I just needed his love and reassurance and support. None of this was yelled or screamed over FaceTime, but I had a hard time letting it go because he was defensive that because he answers the phone when I call, he’s being supportive. He told me I’m being “verbally abusive” and doing everything I could to “make him feel bad.” I was devastated. At no point did I name call, curse, yell, scream, or threaten. I started crying really hard and he said he was ready to go to sleep. I cried myself to sleep, and now I’m awake and at a loss. I’ve been through an emotionally and verbally relationship before, so I’m sensitive to this. AITA? Was I being verbally abusive for expressing my needs over and over tonight?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I harped over and over on my boyfriend tonight that he wasn’t being supportive to me through my abortion this week. I couldn’t let it go due to my hurt. I feel like I may have been the asshole and started the fight and lashing out at him because my upset and hormones from the abortion three days ago.
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NTA. Age difference aside, it sounds like he’s disengaged because he doesn’t want to deal with the situation. He could have visited you, sent flowers, sent messages of support – anything but ignoring you and minimising what you’re going through. I know you said you both reached the agreement to terminate, but is there a chance he wanted the baby? How exactly is it overwhelming to him to be there for you?
nope not in the slightest. the least he could do was acknowledge what was happening and offer his support. it takes two to tango
Well thank god you did decide to terminate, if this is how he supports you through an abortion then he’s definitely not cut out to be a good parent.
Oh sweetheart. You are NTA, not in the slightest. I’m sorry he made you feel like you could be in any way. Sadly, an abortion can put a relationship through a lot, and I think this is him showing you that when it really comes down to it, he won’t be there for you or your son. Don’t depend on someone who won’t be there. He’s withdrawing from you to punish you for this decision, even though it is what was best for you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have other people in your life who you can lean on during this time
He is showing you who he is and how he feels about you. Believe him.
I feel like this post might get removed but absolutely NTA. Also not sure this man even likes you. Is this behavior new from him or is he always mean and cruel to you when you’re suffering? Take a good hard look at his past behavior, and even if it is new, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to be with.
NTA. This man needs therapy to be able to deal with hard emotions.
NTA but would be saying ex right now.
NTA – This is an emotional time, as well as being physically draining. You deserve to have your partner support you, even if he’s an hour away. He should be there with you, and even if there was an extenuating circumstance where he couldn’t, he could have sent flowers, food, and checked in with you regularly. I’m sorry you’re going through this alone
you are NTA at all. now HE on the other hand is. what are you doing with this guy?????
He showed you who he really is, I’d believe him. He can’t show you support during a very painful and difficult time? That is who he is and won’t get better. I also have a suspicion that you are the side piece or he has one where he lives…
Leave the dude. NTA, he’s shown you exactly where his priorities lie when things are tough. You have been through a very difficult time physically, mentally and emotionally. This man refuses, repeatedly to offer even the barest glimmer of support.
Strangers would treat you better. You would be much better off with someone who is not afraid to love.
NTA
Might want to find someone new to date.
Girl no you are not abusive at all. You’re going through a rough time and you want the person you love, your partner, to do the bare minimum and support you. You’ve been communicative with what you need, and at this point he’s just downright ignoring it. Does he even care about you? Because from what it sounds like, he doesn’t. Maybe he’s going through conflicting feelings with the abortion, but that isn’t an excuse to be a bad partner.
He’s 54?? And you guys have been dating for 4 years?? His reaction and lack of willingness to even come visit you while being in the area does not seem like it at all. I feel like the relationship is already over.
Condolences for your situation OP. I hope you find a better, more mature, and more supportive partner who actually cares about you.
NTA. What a 54 year old baby. Oh, it’s overwhelming? And a lot to deal with? For a man who didn’t get pregnant or have to go through an invasive medical procedure and spend days in pain.
Don’t get me wrong – he could have found it a lot. But he is secondary in this situation. He should been there for you and then vented to a friend afterwards
Despite his age he’s not mature enough to be in a relationship with you. Imagine you got ill one day? This is not a partner you can rely on. Cut your losses while you’re still relatively unmeshed.
NTA. Abortion is never easy, weither you wanted the child or not. It’s physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Not to mention the current climate around abortion. It’s an extremely delicate and sensitive time and wanting your partner to help support you through it isn’t selfish or abusive.
When you’ve taken some time for yourself I’d reevaluate your relationship with him. He was awful to you, did nothing to support you and left you at one of the most vulnerable moments you could be in to deal with by yourself. Now when you come to him, asking to simply talk about this entire ordeal, he deflects and claims abuse because you “made him feel bad”. You deserve a partner who stands beside you no matter what.
Take care of yourself and stay safe op.
NTA. Once you’ve recovered and hopefully sought support elsewhere from people who actually show their care for your well being, you’re going to have to have a serious talk about his emotional avoidance. Is he going to be this way in the event one of your family members dies? Is this how he’s going to act if you end up in the hospital? If this kind of behavior isn’t what you want from a relationship, it’s time to rethink the relationship.
I wish you speedy recovery from the procedure.
The man you’re dating sounds awful. I wonder if he is in another relationship, but besides, he’s a great ex-boyfriend material.
NTA. What do you see in this 20 years older man? There’s a reason no one his age wants him.
NTA Time to bin him off
NTA, but he sure is
What led you to believe he was infertile? Are you sure the pregnancy wasn’t intentional on his part because he sure seems to be punishing you for ending it.
NTA. Leave his ass behind. He is completely emotionally unavailable and gaslighting you. That shit is never going to change. You can’t fix him save yourself the pain.
NTA. Girl, you went through a whole abortion basically alone while he was out here acting like you asked him to help you move a couch, not support you through literal physical and emotional trauma. Red flag parade.
Definitly NTA, you deserve more …
NTA neglect is a form of abuse
NTA, but he is a massive one. Totally emotionally unavailable and neglectful. I’m sorry he put you through this, you deserve better.
YTA. You have no business screwing someone this much older than you.
You don’t want my take on what you did. But as he wanted it too, he should have been there. PLEASE GET YOURSELF STERLIZED so you don’t repeat this
NTA! When people tell you and show you who they are, believe them. Let this be a true wake-up call for you. He is not a supportive partner, he has been selfish and cold when you have needed love and caring, and you have been going through a significant life event completely alone despite the fact that he is supposedly your partner. Sending you virtual hugs and healing wishes.
Please end this relationship now. You deserve so much better! Dump the whole selfish man and find one who treats you with respect and compassion. If not for yourself, dump him for the sake of your 8 year old. Model for your child that you know your own value and that no one should settle for someone who treats them poorly.
INFO
Did you both agree on the abortion or did he actually want to keep the pregnancy?
Your body your choice, obviously!
But if he didn’t want an abortion, you can’t expect him to comfort you when you got one.
If he was totally on board with the abortion and he just doesn’t want to talk about it because it’s painful, he is a total asshole because if it’s hard for him, he should be able to figure out that it’s ten times harder for you.
Your boyfriend was 20 years old when you were born.
You were 37 years old a year ago
Also, why did you just assume he was sterile?
Honestly, your boyfriend sounds like he’s checked out emotionally, which sucks big time when you’re going through something so hard. Wanting support and a little empathy isn’t abuse, it’s basic human decency. You deserved better vibes and care, no question. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
NTA and I think you misspelled “ex-boyfriend”
Eww, ex boyfriend now please.
Every time you need him, he will flake
NTA. He is a selfish, insufferable fraction of a man. This was a moment when his true colours blazed out. He literally added further stress, upset & pain to your life at your most vulnerable time. Do yourself a solid and get rid of him.
NTA- unless you stay with this man. He just showed you who he is, believe it.
NTA! Run, girl, run…
The only good that came out of your horrible ordeal is that you do not have a child that ties you to this horrible man. Leave him. He showed you who he was—he will never emotionally support or fulfill you. He will attack you and be defensive when you attempt to stand up for yourself. He’ll break you down until you’re done. NTA.
Nta ..what’s your question? Coz you know the answer here
Well thats the end of this relationship isn’t it? He’s shown you who he is. Believe him and move on.
Hey, I’ve got one like this. Is your relationship entirely dependent on you not needing anything that inconveniences him (quality time, emotional support)? It sounds like it and if so, I’m so sorry. You deserve better. Now’s the time to dump this guy and take some time to heal. 🫂
He’s a huge asshole and eventually he’ll start abusing you in different ways because this is a form of abuse
The same selfish a-hole who doesn’t go down on you and openly looks at other women wasn’t supportive during the most vulnerable and traumatizing event of your life? Shoker. This guy sucks. He found a 20y younger gf to boost his ego and see him as an amazing partner, when he is the total opposite. NTA but please run and don’t look back.
NTA- i am so sorry you had to go through this 💔
girl. dump. his. ASS. he had the nerve to say you were being “verbally abusive” for asking for basic support during a difficult time? does he not remember that he AGREED with you on this?? i swear to god, this man needs to go back to whatever self-righteous egotistical dumpster cooch he came from. NTA by any means.
NTA. He’s 54? There’s a reason he’s single at 54 and this is only part of it. Treat yourself better and dump him. He absolutely will not and cannot change
NTA
What are you getting out of this relationship?
NTA
He’s 54 and still overwhelmed with life. This is not a partner you can build a life with.
In fact, he’ll probably suck the life out of you, because when he has a problem he’ll lean on you, but when you have one he’ll never be there. Your emotional investment will never be reciprocated.
Take this as your sign to exit this relationship and stop trying to bleed a turnip.
NTA.
The pregnancy was as much his responsibility as it was yours, with the only difference that he had the easier burden, because his body was not the one undergoing a painful and stressful medical procedure.
He should have been there for you, no matter his own feelings. YOU were the one in the eye of the storm.
After something like this, my trust in this relationship would be shattered. You deserve better.
Oh girl. He needs to go. NTA
Please please please end it with him. If he can’t be there for you now when you truly needed him, he won’t be there for you ever. He showed his true colors. Get out now and move on. You are worth so much more.
lol this is not a partner, this is a 54 year old boy. This is not a lifelong partner. This is not who you want around your kid. This is not someone you can depend on if you get sick.
This is the end of the relationship, right op?
Are you saying things to make him feel bad, or did he do bad things and you’re talking about it? NTA
Hey OP, are you sure he’s not married or seeing someone else? If that was the case, you getting pregnant would have put the fear of God, really the fear of exposure, into him and that could explain why he’s being so standoffish.
In any case OP, NTA. He has shown himself to be a flake though and you don’t want that in a serious relationship. You have a child to consider and if you stay with him, this may be the man you have to rely on to take care of you or your kid in an emergency or health issue. That’s not good.
You can do better than that. All the best OP.
NTA but he definitely is.
A few years ago I had an abortion. It was a relatively fresh friends with benefits situation but he handled it so much better! Listened to my fears, talked about it with me, brought me painkillers, made me food and cuddled me while I cried in hormonal chaos.
That was a 25 year old whom I knew a few months. You’re talking about a 54 year old man with whom you have been in a relationship for two years. How is it possible that he has no empathy for you at all? Are there any redeeming qualities left? I can’t imagine anything that would make up for this behaviour.
This pregnancy happened because of both of you. The decision to terminate was made together. Still he left you completely alone in the whole process. Your part would have been harder either way but he just left you to deal with it alone. You were alone in the few weeks pregnancy with all the hormones, fears and emotions. You were alone while having the abortion and you were left alone afterwards while also having an 8 year old to care for. The whole point of a relationship should be that you are in fact NOT alone in hard situations like this.
NTA. He’s using your trauma from your past abusive relationship as a tool of manipulation to guilt you into silence about your needs. Leave this man. He is abusive himself.
If you have to ask somebody for love and support, they do not love and support you. Period. His actions speak for themselves. Think about it – when you love someone, it is very easy to be kind, to be supportive, to be loving. It comes naturally, you don’t think about it. Think about all the ways you show up in his life and all the ways you express your love for him that were easy. You didnt even think about it. For example, maybe hes having a hard day and you do small things to try and turn his mood around. He seems sad so you show him affection; a hug or snuggles to make him feel comforted. Maybe you bring him a snack without him asking, simply because you thought about him and wondered if he ate today. Those things are love and they are easy. They come naturally when you care. You do them without being prompted because you care. So what does that tell you about his inaction and lack of concern for you? He does not care and he’s shit at pretending that he does.
Another relationship issue with a man significantly older than the woman, and the woman is asking for help. Gee I wonder how this could have been avoided
He is not emotionally available to you and the gaslighty last part where he was accusing you was not great. He clearly does not want anything deeper with you, where as your very valid needs are not met. For him this is a casual relationship and it’s ok to have casual relationships, but it seems you are seeking for something more and the way he’s behaving shows so many red flags my reddit-soaked mind jumped into wondering if he has a wife and family you know nothing about. I want to believe that’s not what’s going on, but in any case he’s been so very cold to you. Is that what you want in a relationship? You need support, so turn to your friends or family, or maybe even therapist. It’s ok not to be ok, just don’t be left alone.
He’s telling you in every way possible that he doesn’t want to be with you, why are you being the asshole to yourself and continuing to expect things from trash?