Me (29 F) have been with my partner (33 M) for about a decade now. Although I enjoy the sentiment of a surprise decorated bedroom, flowers, or gift – I absolutely hate surprise parties. Is that too high of an expectation for my partner?
Today is my 29th birthday with the same partner. I am preparing for a very important board examination, of which I am on my 4th attempt out of 5 (everything is riding on this exam), and it is next week. I have been very clear with my partner what kind of support I need from him. I have myself on a strict lock-down schedule of just studying, 1.5 hour afternoon walk, and grocery runs ONLY. It has been this way for the last month. I also have complex-PTSD and live daily with a loud self-critic consciousness (yes, I am seeing a therapist weekly for this and yes, my partner knows this – I debrief with him after every therapy session). We discussed my birthday plans. Since it has been a long time since I have been able to put makeup on and dress up, I was looking forward to my birthday dinner (so much). I picked out an outfit, a makeup look, press-on nails I wanted to wear. I told him, the day before my birthday, I am going to study all day so that I can feel accomplished and enjoy my actual birthday – with no self-hate of not deserving. HE KNOWS THIS.
I am studying peacefully at home as I am waiting for his return. I call him and he immediately starts acting suspicious. At this point, I feel it in my gut that he is planning something. I almost want to tell him PLEASE DON’T HAVE A SURPRISE PARTY… but I don’t because I know whatever he is planning, he has already been working on it for the last 3 hours. I already feel bad at this point. We end up going to the brother’s house because he “forgot something”. Ofc, I am grateful but I am also so upset. I ended up wasting the rest of my day surrounded by people who I am not very fond of (his family). I am the surprisee, I can’t just say “ok thank you but I have to go home now.” – NO. I sit there. Waiting for my partner to wrap it up. He never does. I propose a suggestion: “Oh remember we were going to go to the mall. Should we go now?”
Today is my bday. I am triggered to the point where I can’t even study. I am so upset, to the point where I no longer have anything nice to say. I have expressed again and again, that I need to LOCK-IN and study but he just keeps playing games, encourages me to play with him. Keeps going out, encourages me to go out with him. I told my therapist I am tired of being stuck, her response is that one day, I am going to wake up and want to change. I want to change. I know he was just trying to make me feel loved but it was so poorly executed and we already had a clear plan. This surprise was last minute (I know because he told me) and poorly executed. I got an ice-cream cake on a flavor I didn’t even ask for – AITA!!! I already had a plan to navigate the mean parts of me. I want to bitch at him but I need to hear everyone’s thoughts first.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
Me (29 F) have been with my partner (33 M) for about a decade now. Although I enjoy the sentiment of a surprise decorated bedroom, flowers, or gift – I absolutely hate surprise parties. Is that too high of an expectation for my partner?
Today is my 29th birthday with the same partner. I am preparing for a very important board examination, of which I am on my 4th attempt out of 5 (everything is riding on this exam), and it is next week. I have been very clear with my partner what kind of support I need from him. I have myself on a strict lock-down schedule of just studying, 1.5 hour afternoon walk, and grocery runs ONLY. It has been this way for the last month. I also have complex-PTSD and live daily with a loud self-critic consciousness (yes, I am seeing a therapist weekly for this and yes, my partner knows this – I debrief with him after every therapy session). We discussed my birthday plans. Since it has been a long time since I have been able to put makeup on and dress up, I was looking forward to my birthday dinner (so much). I picked out an outfit, a makeup look, press-on nails I wanted to wear. I told him, the day before my birthday, I am going to study all day so that I can feel accomplished and enjoy my actual birthday – with no self-hate of not deserving. HE KNOWS THIS.
I am studying peacefully at home as I am waiting for his return. I call him and he immediately starts acting suspicious. At this point, I feel it in my gut that he is planning something. I almost want to tell him PLEASE DON’T HAVE A SURPRISE PARTY… but I don’t because I know whatever he is planning, he has already been working on it for the last 3 hours. I already feel bad at this point. We end up going to the brother’s house because he “forgot something”. Ofc, I am grateful but I am also so upset. I ended up wasting the rest of my day surrounded by people who I am not very fond of (his family). I am the surprisee, I can’t just say “ok thank you but I have to go home now.” – NO. I sit there. Waiting for my partner to wrap it up. He never does. I propose a suggestion: “Oh remember we were going to go to the mall. Should we go now?”
Today is my bday. I am triggered to the point where I can’t even study. I am so upset, to the point where I no longer have anything nice to say. I have expressed again and again, that I need to LOCK-IN and study but he just keeps playing games, encourages me to play with him. Keeps going out, encourages me to go out with him. I told my therapist I am tired of being stuck, her response is that one day, I am going to wake up and want to change. I want to change. I know he was just trying to make me feel loved but it was so poorly executed and we already had a clear plan. This surprise was last minute (I know because he told me) and poorly executed. I got an ice-cream cake on a flavor I didn’t even ask for – AITA!!! I already had a plan to navigate the mean parts of me. I want to bitch at him but I need to hear everyone’s thoughts first.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my partner I cannot forgive him.
(2) He was just trying to do a nice gesture, but it is a gesture that I do am not fond of.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta, but do you know why he’s actively trying to sabotage you?
NTA. Please listen to what he’s telling you. Your clearly expressed wants and needs do not matter to him. This is not the person for you.
NTA
This sounds like sabotage. How is he making you feel loved by intentionally doing things that create anxiety?
NTA. Was he actually trying to make you feel loved? Or was he trying to make himself feel good?
Very few people actually have “a party with my in laws” at the top of their list for ways they want to spend their birthday.
It does not sound like he’s a terribly supportive partner, if he’s actively disregarding your wishes, actively trying to distract you and make your life harder.
At best he’s completely clueless and not open to listening to you, at worst he’s deliberately trying to sabotage you.
NTA I think it’s pretty much intentional
NTA.
Having a party before the actual birthday would not even be accepted over here. That is the actual surprise to me and it means tons of bad luck.
NTA. This wasn’t even a surprise party it was a surprise excuse for not wanting to take you out to dinner as planned? You may not like his family but, apparently, they’re the only people he can count on to show up last minute and celebrate you, so there’s that.
That said, your LOCK-IN needs to include your wandering thoughts as well. Focus on your studies and revisit the birthday issue after the exam and be all sorts of mad then. Give yourself the birthday gift of letting it go for now.
NTA. I’m seriously wondering if his behavior is why you are now on your fourth attempt to pass this exam.
He wasn’t trying to make you feel loved. He was trying to look like he loves you to other people. He doesn’t seem to GAF about your feelings because from the post I would have done nothing except dinner and left you alone. Your boyfriend of so long knew better but doesn’t care.
Forget about him until after your test, and then truly look at whether or not he regularly does things “for you” that are really about making him look good. Nice side prize of sabotaging your study too
NTA. You explicitly told him what you needed (no surprises, focus on studying) and he ignored it to throw a half-assed party with people you don’t even like. This wasn’t “for you”, it was for his ego. And now you’re the one left scrambling to salvage your mental state and your exam prep.
NTA
Forward this to him.
Make yourself inaccessible and tell him you’ll meet him at the restaurant. You’ll let him know what you’re in the mood for around 5:15 after you’ve made your reservations for 2.
He needs to leave you. It is very clear that you cannot handle the normal pressures of life and buy into I have a diagnosis so it is ok that I act this way.
Was he tone deaf…. 100%
Are you a mess who is under achieving. 100%
NAH, but you two do not need to be together if what you wrote is accurate.
nta
are you sure he actually wants you to succed with your exam? Sound like sabotage to me.
My ex did this before a big project or exam for school of mine. He did not want me to suceed & leave him later. It took me a long time to understand & see this. I charted his behavior on my schedule. Keep studying & learn to say no at begining of an activity. Good luck.
You are spending so much energy hyper analyzing things that you are in control of – not him. You have agency – use it. Open your mouth, say what you will do and do it.
The “surprise” is over. You are choosing to perseverate about it. Knock it off and go study.
Your SO knows exactly what he is doing. It sounds as if he is threatened by your success. He sees how hard you are studying and believes you will pass this time.
For the moment, take a deep breath, refocus on your studies and do your best on the exam.
After the exam, you need to rain holy hell on him. His actions are inexcusable. This is a hill to live and die on. A very long soul-searching conversation with him is in order. This would be a complete relationship deal breaker for me.
I wish you all the best. You got this!!!
YTA. You need to be more grateful for your boyfriend’s surprises and stop trying to force yourself into a field where you dont belong by stealing resources from people who can pass the examination you are studying for in one, two, or even three attempts. Its not worth it to inevitably fail for a fourth time. He probably understands that you are not equipped to work in the field where you are pretending to see yourself.
NTA
I’ve been with my partner for eighteen years.
If I tell him — once — that I need support, I have it. He does everything in his power to help me succeed.
He quietly brings me cups of tea while I study.
He actively removes distractions. (Doorbell rings? He’s got it. Visitors drop in? He entertains them by himself. He wants to do a distracting activity? He’ll do it in another room or, if it needs to be done where I am, either wait until later or else do it as quietly as possible.)
He cooks dinner so he knows I’ll have something to eat when I’m ready.
He never forces me to spend time with draining people. And when we’re out of the house, he actively checks in with me to see when I need to go home. (We even have a signal we can give each other across the room, and the other will know we want to go home.)
My partner knows me, listens to me, and does everything he can to make sure I am supported to thrive.
That’s how people who love each other act.
ESH. You for going along and now being mad that you went along. You aren’t a twig in the current. You chose to go to his brother’s house, you chose to call him when you were studying. You chose not to say “just so you know, I would not be happy with any kind of surprise. I want what we planned, just like we planned”. You chose to stay there. If you just go along and then pout later you are part of the problem.
He sucks because you had a plan and he deviated from it with a poorly planned surprise you didn’t want.
Your therapist is trying to gently tell you that your relationship sucks. When she says you’re going to wake up ready to change she means ready to leave. Don’t stay with people who don’t listen to you. Even today he is continuing to bother you after you asked him not to.
INFO:
If you are 29, how is this your 29th birthday with the same partner. Have you been partnered since birth? 😅
I have been with my partner. “I” is a subject pronoun, “me” is an object pronoun.
He isn’t showing love. He does not want you to succeed at whatever the board exam is about. He may not even realize it, but he’s afraid you’ll outgrow him if you succeed.
NTA he knows how important studying is to you and your future, he should have respected that.
“I almost want to tell him PLEASE DON’T HAVE A SURPRISE PARTY… but I don’t because I know whatever he is planning, he has already been working on it for the last 3 hours”. Learn to use your words. Your boyfriend is clueless to your wishes but at the same time you need to be crystal clear with what you want to happen because he sounds like an idiot. ESH.
NTA, I hate surprises myself, but you told him what you wanted and what you were hoping to do today, and he blatantly disregarded that. However, time to stop dwelling on it and get back to studying. I know it’s difficult, trust me I know, but try to think that the surprise is over now, you didn’t get your way and that really sucks, but it is over now. Study hard, I’m wishing you lots of love, healing, and luck for this exam. Discuss this with him later, focus on your studies right now.
I had the exact thing happen to me once. I was very forward with how much I hated surprise parties and that I don’t find them enjoyable personally. But if I have someone close to me that likes them, I very much enjoy throwing them. My best friend, knowing I hate them, loves them and decided to throw me one for my 30th. She even told the guests that she knew I would be mad. She was right, I was furious. I had to excuse myself for a few minutes to calm down so I wouldn’t rage out at the party. The whole night was about people consoling her for “just doing something to show she cared” and how much of an asshole I was to not appreciate it. That party was solely for her, not for me and I saw that immediately. Our friendship has changed drastically since then. We are still friends but not nearly as close as we once were and I’ve made sure to limit my engagement since that night. He absolutely wasn’t thinking about you. That was solely for him and that should show you what your future will look like should you allow it to continue.
I’m sorry but your husband is an idiot. But focus now on your exam. You have time to deal with him later.
So, he actively sabotaged your studying, ignored every aspect of what you wanted for your birthday for a surprise party he didn’t put any thought into, and didn’t include anyone you actually care about (your friends or family) at said party… this isn’t trying to make someone feel loved. NTA for being upset about this, but you will be TA to yourself if you don’t make a change soon.
NTA
How long has he been sabotaging you? Does this happen prior to every important test or milestone?
NTA. You know you can dump him, right? Also… Your therapist sounds mean. My therapist (I also have cPTSD) was kind and helped me foster self empathy. Things are still hard, but I am having a much better go of things than I did before. Maybe you should look into getting both a new boyfriend and a new therapist… I just can see how this is all so upsetting and I wish better for you, you deserve happiness and people who support you.
After reading your responses, ESH.
He sucks a lot for the party.
You are your own person. If he’s gaming at night and your priority is to study, go to a different room and he can wear headphones. If you need a break, set a timer to play games and go back to studying when it’s over. You aren’t actually “locked in” if you’re choosing to do these things. I did mention in a comment I’d do whatever my partner needed to be helpful, but my partner is also responsible for their own needs. If me doing something in our shared space is bothering them, one of us can move.
ESH
You need to be better at establishing boundaries. Yes, as the surprisee you can absolutely graciously say how wonderful it was to celebrate with them and now I need to leave to study. You are not required to stay longer. There’s a little bit of victimhood here.
You need to communicate in advance instead of being mad later. You say you wanted to tell him Don’t have a surprise party, but you didn’t. But then you’re upset that he had a surprise party for you. Speak up!
You also need to learn how to compartmentalize, or get things done even while you’re upset. Life in general is not going to go how you plan it.
He needs to respect what you tell him when you do speak up. He needs to encourage you to accomplish your goals rather than distracted from goals with all of the going out and games nonsense.
Making you feel loved requires listening to you. He was putting on a performance at your expense. NTA
NTA. If you hate surprise parties or anything that even remotely resembles a surprise party and you partner / family / friend are aware of this and they throw you one anyway, they are automatically the AH. If they know that this is something you do not want and they do it anyway then it is clearly not about you, because they have shown they do not care how uncomfortable, anxious, upset, etc you are as long as they get to Do The Thing. I would walk out. Or leave and go study at a library or something similar.
NTA.. oh boy oh boy you did better at the party than I would have.
I’m 39. I have made clear to anyone in my life that I hate surprise parties and never want one where I am the the birthday person. I have C-PTSD as well. I am also AuDHD but very high functioning. When graduation from law school was coming up, I only reiterated to my then GF that I did not want a surprise party or any party really of any kind. I was fine with a planned scheduled dinner with family but nothing else. As we got closer, my GF started acting weird and I figured something was up so asked. My sisters had contacted her telling her they were planning a surprise party. The GF tried saying that it wasn’t a good idea and my sisters disregarded everything she said. I then reached out to my sisters and made it clear that if I showed up to a surprise party for me, I would smile, thank everyone, then turn around and walk out the door, get into my car, and drive away from the event. They had no excuse other than they thought it would be fun. Total BS.
My point is that you need to stand up for yourself. Your BF clearly doesn’t gives a rat’s ass what you want or need for this majorly important test. He disregards your requests/needs. He makes your party about his family because it makes him look good to them instead of focusing on what makes him look good to you, his actual partner.
You need to establish boundaries. Doing so almost always makes people like us feel guilty but that doesn’t mean we are wrong.
I can’t really tell what happened. Are you saying he surprised you with a party, or did you just stop by the brother’s house on the way to dinner? But then you say today is your birthday, so…what exactly happened?
NTA. He absolutely isn’t trying to make you feel loved. Surely if that was the case he’d get a cake you’d like and people you enjoy spending time with? That would still be a bad move that ignores what you said you needed but would indicate he was at least trying to do something you’d enjoy.
He is NOT trying to make you feel loved, he’s purposely sabotaging your attempts to STUDY!
These answers are crazy. One person said he is sabotaging her so she doesnt outgrow him. How does anyone know thats the case? The way it was explained, boyfriend did a super nice thing and it was received poorly without hesitation. Should bf not speak to OP until after the test?
NTA
This is clearly sabotage. Are you sure he isn’t threatened by you passing your boards? This guy does not listen and doesn’t have your best interests in mind.
NTA, it sounds like he’s totally ignoring your wishes at best, actively sabotaging you at worst.
NTA
but here are a couple of things.
stand up for yourself. If you cannot productively study at home with him around, go to a library or something, hell, even a starbucks. Or, preferably, banish him to leave for the day.
you seem like you are sabotaging yourself, by playing games because “fun”. Not saying you don’t want a party. etc.
You are not going to cut it. If you already failed 3 times, and if having a birthday destroys your chances of passing the 4th attempt, then, yeah, it’s not going to happen. If you need to study 14.5 hours a day with only 1.5 hours off for a month, then you are not going to make it. Sorry.
NTA
“I am going to wake up and want to change” from your therapist means “you are going to wakeup and see that your partner is not a good partner and you will break up with him. I can’t tell you that directly though. You have to figure it out for yourself.”
YTA, you didn’t communicate that you don’t like surprise parties. We are not mind readers.