My cousin Lara (22f) is into “stan” wars. If you don’t know, it’s basically being a fan of something but also really toxic and nasty about it. Snark forums are for people to just sit around and talk shit about a celebrity they’re obsessed with. It’s a lot of immature and childish and nasty behavior.
Lara accidentally liked a post of mine on her “stan” account. She says it’s just for fun and not that serious. It made me sick. She has like 4 celebs she’s obsessed with hating and comparing to her “fav.” I’m not saying who to avoid bias. But there are childish nicknames, shaming, calling other fans schizophrenic or mentally ill and saying they should be locked up, calling them slurs, and worse.
After I saw that stuff I saw her in a different light. My daughter likes some of the people Lara rages against and it made me sick to think about her mocking her or saying things about her. I stopped asking Lara to babysit.
It’s been a while and she was talking about how she was trying to save up for a new car but she has been struggling to find off jobs. She said she could free herself up for babysitting. I said no thanks, we had a permanent sitter now. She asked me why we didn’t ask her. I tried to lie and say it just worked out better this way.
She knew I was lying and pressed so I ended up telling her the real reason that after seeing that “stan” stuff it made me sick to think about her saying stuff like that to my daughter so I thought it best she doesn’t sit anymore. And how I didn’t want her to teach my daughter it was ok to be cruel to people. She blew her lid saying that I need to learn how to take a joke.
I pulled up pics I took and read out some of the stuff she said. I won’t repeat it. My family was so mad. Lara told me to stop policing her behavior and that she’s sure she can look through my internet history and find stuff I wouldn’t be proud of. I told her I don’t use the internet to be horrible to people and she should be ashamed of herself. Like we have a gay cousin and she’s calling some of these people horrible things.
She said I’m taking everything out of context, I’m up on my high horse, and none of this is as serious as I’m saying. I’m overreacting and taking it out on her that I’m old and out of touch. I do not live my life online the way she does. Am I the asshole for taking the babysitting gig away from her? Like am I way overreacting over this and I’m just offended or something? Is this a lot more common than I think and I’m too sensitive?
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My cousin Lara (22f) is into “stan” wars. If you don’t know, it’s basically being a fan of something but also really toxic and nasty about it. Snark forums are for people to just sit around and talk shit about a celebrity they’re obsessed with. It’s a lot of immature and childish and nasty behavior.
Lara accidentally liked a post of mine on her “stan” account. She says it’s just for fun and not that serious. It made me sick. She has like 4 celebs she’s obsessed with hating and comparing to her “fav.” I’m not saying who to avoid bias. But there are childish nicknames, shaming, calling other fans schizophrenic or mentally ill and saying they should be locked up, calling them slurs, and worse.
After I saw that stuff I saw her in a different light. My daughter likes some of the people Lara rages against and it made me sick to think about her mocking her or saying things about her. I stopped asking Lara to babysit.
It’s been a while and she was talking about how she was trying to save up for a new car but she has been struggling to find off jobs. She said she could free herself up for babysitting. I said no thanks, we had a permanent sitter now. She asked me why we didn’t ask her. I tried to lie and say it just worked out better this way.
She knew I was lying and pressed so I ended up telling her the real reason that after seeing that “stan” stuff it made me sick to think about her saying stuff like that to my daughter so I thought it best she doesn’t sit anymore. And how I didn’t want her to teach my daughter it was ok to be cruel to people. She blew her lid saying that I need to learn how to take a joke.
I pulled up pics I took and read out some of the stuff she said. I won’t repeat it. My family was so mad. Lara told me to stop policing her behavior and that she’s sure she can look through my internet history and find stuff I wouldn’t be proud of. I told her I don’t use the internet to be horrible to people and she should be ashamed of herself. Like we have a gay cousin and she’s calling some of these people horrible things.
She said I’m taking everything out of context, I’m up on my high horse, and none of this is as serious as I’m saying. I’m overreacting and taking it out on her that I’m old and out of touch. I do not live my life online the way she does. Am I the asshole for taking the babysitting gig away from her? Like am I way overreacting over this and I’m just offended or something? Is this a lot more common than I think and I’m too sensitive?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stopped my cousin from babysitting my daughter after I found out she says horrible things to people online. It makes me the asshole for taking extra money from her because I am too serious and take it all to serious.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Glad your cousin is seeing some consequences for her horrible behavior and you’re right she shouldn’t be around your kids.
NTA.
> Im up on my high horse, and none of this is as serious as I’m saying.
I agree with them though. Its not that you couldn’t, its that you wanted to grind this ax and you finally got oppertunity. You didn’t feel comfortable, fine. This doesn’t matter. You pulling up posts and reading aloud was just needless antagonizing.
NTA. You get to choose who is around your child.
You’ve discovered something about your cousin that makes it untenable for her to be around your child. Then your cousin backed you into a corner until you told her why.
Your cousin is free to behave however she wants to but that doesn’t come consequence free.
NTA
Online bullying is still bullying. She was just so confident because she was anonymous until now. Now she’s dealing with the real world consequences.
Also, jokes are supposed to be funny. Ask her how using slurs is funny.
NTA. You’re not policing her behavior. She’s free to post whatever vile stuff she wants. She’s free to say whatever vile stuff she wants. Just not around your kids. When I was a child, I loved my babysitters and would model their behavior. Then my niece did the same with me as the “cool aunt” when she was little. And then I watched as the youngest in our family did the same to her when she was their cool teen cousin. Kids often parrot adults, especially those they admire, often younger relatives. They don’t need to learn Lara’s behavior. Ever.
NTA. You aren’t telling her she can’t continue to post whatever she wants, you are only stopping her from potentially exposing your child to that. Since you don’t approve of whatever she is posting, you are the parent and decide what your child is exposed to.
NTA. We want to set good examples for our children and while we can’t control what they’re exposed to forever, I’m all for controlling it while you still can!
Your cousin is 22. She’s way too old to be doing catty shit on the internet, even if it’s “not that serious” or a “joke”. She accidentally liked something from her stan account… one careless mistake like that can open her up to potential employers being able to connect that stuff to her. And fire or not hire her because of it.
She might think you’re overreacting but you’re teaching her a good lesson if she’d be mature enough to listen.
Your child, your decision & if you feel that your cousin lifestyle doesn’t fit in the way you want your child to be around…… you have that right.
Kids are so much more smarter & every decade they get more intelligent, etc. you have every right to protect your child environment as much as you can
You are absolutely NOT an AH for protecting your child from this relative. Parenting is not easy nowadays and one of the hardest things about it is protecting your child(ren) from the internet during their formative years. While you cannot control your cousin’s interests or behaviors, you do have control over her influence on your daughter. And I think you are smart to keep her away from your daughter. Adolescents and teens are easily influenced and they don’t have the maturity or brain development to understand most of the disturbing things that are out there.
You have a right to be offended by your cousin’s behavior. And you have a right to limit her interaction with your daughter. I don’t think you are being too sensitive, I think you are being smart. Sadly, your cousin does not recognize that her own behaviors and choices are limiting her relationships and opportunities.
You’re doing a really good job with your daughter! Kudos.
NTA. She reaped what she sowed. Behaviors have consequences.
And so now she’s talking $h!t about you because she can’t make any money off you. Recognize nastiness for what it is
You’re not policing her behaviour. You’re simply choosing to not pay to have that influence around your child
> Am I the asshole for taking the babysitting gig away from her?
You didn’t take anything away from her. A babysitting job (or really any job for that matter) isn’t something that she owns or is entitled to. You can hire, or not hire, anyone you see fit to babysit your child.
NTA
Every excuse and comments she made is exactly what bullies say when they get called out. NTA. Good for you!!
NTA and you’re not policing her behaviour or taking things out of context. The internet is one big public square and a spotlight has been shown on who she is. She just doesn’t like that people now know her better.
Your kid. Your choice. Ruther you should judge or not. Your kid. You get to decide the influence around her
NTA.
The words are real. They have told you who they are as a person and that is she’s not a fit babysitter for a child.
NTA that sounds weird af.