As the title says, ages have been slightly changed and some info was left out as I don’t want husband to see this until I’m ready to talk about it.
I (26F) and my husband (26M) share a baby together (6months F). There are a few things I could complain about my husband when it comes to helping me with our baby but I won’t get into those as I can handle without.
Note that this post may seem like a jab at my husband but I’m just trying ti get some non-biased opinions from people who don’t know us personally, I love my husband very much.
My husband works 9 hour days, currently 6 days a week (usually 4 but his schedule has changed), each night he comes home, spends an hour (maybe 2) with our daughter, then jumps on a game. I never tell him no when playing a game as we all need down time after work. In that time, I put our child to sleep (takes 30-40 minutes), clean her toys and crawling space, wash her bottles and prepare for the night (can take upwards of an hour and a half) on top of doing cooking and cleaning every day.
Because our daughter doesn’t nap long enough I can never get a shower when he’s away at work. So as of currently I am showering once a week (was 3 times a week originally).
On his day off, near the end of the day after he played games for about 4-ish hours on and off, I asked him if he would mind if I took a shower. I could tell he got upset, he told his friends “I guess we’re not doing this today, maybe another day,” his friends replied with something (I couldn’t hear) and he said “yup” (note the tone of his voice through all of this was obviously not very happy). Once off the game he stomps away, still upset.
Now I’m waiting to go to the bathroom to shower, and I’m just wondering. AITA for asking to shower?
TLDR: I asked my husband if I could take a shower and he got upset about leaving his game to watch our 6month child, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 asking to take a shower when my husband was playing games
2 because he isn’t home very often to enjoy his day
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You can take a shower when your baby is not napping. Just put the baby in the crib while you shower.
You need to take more than one shower per week!
Your issue with your husband is another story. I just can’t even…
I think you should care less about his performative huffing and puffing. Take your shower and take a nice long one. If he has an issue he can bring it up like an adult, don’t let passive-aggression get to you. It’s definitely annoying af but this just sounds like him being a bit of a grump. Prioritize yourself and trust your feelings!
Additional idea: Maybe look at how you’ve been feeling about your workload lately and see if maybe you guys just need to have a convo to both get off your chest how tired you both likely feel lately. Could make everything better to just have a gentle open convo and share feelings without the goal of anything. Could open with a “how have you been feeling about things lately, i just want to check in” in a happy tone and don’t get defensive, listen, and then ask to share how youre feeling. Then maybe you’ll both feel heard, seen, and mutually more compassionate.
NTA – you married a child. Set boundaries now or expect to live like this until you finally get enough and divorce him…
NTA. If you don’t have enough time for personal hygiene you need more support. He’s probably pretty tired after work, but you don’t even have enough time for basic personal hygiene.
Nta but you are essentially a married single parent.
NTA he should be spending time with his child and giving you breaks.
How is anything that you did asshole behavior? Your husband has a shit attitude & is so good at assholery he really should stop pracricing.
NTA
INFO why aren’t you showering after the baby goes down at night? Or showering with baby in the bathroom?
NTA. Stop asking and start telling. Your health and well-being are more important than his fifth hour of gaming a night.
As a side note: at 6 months old, napping or not, your child should be okay in their crib for 20-30 minutes while you shower. Even if they cry, as long as there isn’t anything in the crib with them, they’re in no danger. So shower, Mama.
NTA but your husband is. He can’t play his game and watch the baby at the same time?? I realize he works long days but it’s not like you do nothing all day.
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NTA, sorry you have to deal with two kids (that one playing games is the worst).
Why can’t you when your husband is with the baby for the hour/two when he comes home,
Definitely NTA. You deserve time to yourself also.
I was a SAHM for many years. When my husband was at work, the kids and the house were my job. When he was home, we were both responsible. He can have some downtime, but he needs to understand that you need some as well.
I do want to add that I used to pull a baby swing or pack n play into the bathroom or in the doorway to get time to bathe. Your child will be okay for a few minutes if they’re fed and in a safe place. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
NTA. You shouldn’t have to ask your husband if you could take a shower. You should be able to tell him that you’re taking one. It doesn’t matter how many hours a day he works. He should be more than willing to help you out when he’s home. That includes listening for your daughter while you shower. It’s long past time for a conversation about the help you need from him. If he truly loves and respects you, he should be more than willing to give you the help.
Lots to unpack here. Sounds like you are both stressed he’s working 54 hours plus commute time and getting only one day off per week. You’re working throughout the day to maintain the house and take care of your baby. You both are likely exhausted. You do admit he spends a couple of hours each evening with the baby and seem to understand that both of your need some downtime.
You may have to work on letting some household tasks slide a bit and taking more advantage of the two hours he’s with the baby. On his one day off the two of you need to discuss BOTH of you getting some downtime. For example you could ask for two hours to take a shower and a short nap at a certain time so he won’t be in the middle of a game when you ask and can plan accordingly.
Put baby in stroller and wheel it near the bathroom door. Shower with the door open.
NTA: But you can certainly take a shower when your child is awake. Yes, he should help more too.
NTA but it may be worth it to invest in something like a standing activity station or bouncer so she can stay in the room with you and you can shower while he’s gone
NTA
He gets home and gets to game with his friends while your work day continues. I’m guessing that you also are in charge of night time parenting of the child too.
While time to relax is important, when is your time off? Two hours playing with his child while you work on other necessary stuff is not rest.
Having to say “hey, can you take care of the baby? I need a shower” is a tiny ask. That he got all huffy is a bad sign.
This needs sorting asap, he’s not pulling his weight as a coparent.
INFO I just want to make sure I understand properly.
Your husband’s priorities are:
1 his job
2 gaming
3 eating, sleeping, etc.
4 you
Your priorities are:
1 caring for your child
2 kissing your husband’s ass
3 yourself
Does this seem right?
Sis you’re gonna have to put the baby in the crib while you shower. Nothing bad is going to happen to baby! If she cries, she cries, so be it. 1 day a week shower is no bueno for you.
You know this is not ok behavior. You know you are allowing yourself to neglect your needs hoping he will notice and care. He hasn’t. He won’t. It’s not going to get better until you set some boundaries and have some crucial conversations. What are you afraid of? He already throws a tantrum so push through that. He’s not going to thank you but maybe he can improve, if not you already know what single parenting is like.
info: do you get equal time to game as your husband? not including essential time like showering
NTA… Ma’am you aren’t raising one child you’re raising two
You love him very much. Make it work. It’s a shame he’s not more supportive but you need to be washing at least once a day for your and your babies hygiene.
Surely you can find 15min during the day to shower when baby naps? Or take the baby in the bathroom with you, strapped into a carrier. She might cry a s bit but that is how babies are.
Regarding your husband, to make communication better ask him earlier in the day, is it ok if you watch baby later, i need to have s wash, or whatever you need to do, so he knows it’s coming. I know it seems silly but some people don’t handle being told what to do now, but are fine if it’s something they are expecting.
NTA. Where do y’all find these men? You have a baby together and he spent roughly 1/2 his day off playing games and not helping whatsoever with the child that he also created. Then when you ask for help so you can take your weekly shower (frankly this detail makes me so sad for you and is incredibly unhygienic) he acts like a 12 year old that’s just been told to turn off the tv and go do his homework. The level of disrespect this conveys… there had to be red flags before you married him, surely?
You literally just had a baby sort that asshole out
NTA.
But baby doesn’t need to be asleep for you to take a shower.
If she is content and safe in her crib, take the monitor and go for a shower.
If you have a baby bouncer or similar, take it in to the bathroom with you.
NTA. When do you get any of the downtime he has?
No, you’re NTA you deserve to be clean just as much as anyone else and it seems like you’re doing most of the heavy lifting in your family and tbh even though he has 9hr shifts doesn’t mean he should slack off basically the rest of the day gaming I recommend that you should tell him kindly to help out more and to let you shower more often.
Basic hygiene is not a luxury, a special treat, or a selfish request.
And playing multiple hours a day on a game when you have a six month old baby is fucked up. Yes he is working 9 hour days, but you are apparently working 24 hour days.
He comes home, plays with baby whilst you do jobs too, then you both work to get baby to bed and tidied up for the day. Then, and only then, once all the shared household tasks are done, then he can go play his game.
His game playing days have got to come to an end. He’s a father now. That is ridiculous. Four hours a day! That has got to stop. Let him do that on his own time after the baby goes to bed and you go to bed but when the baby is up, you need help and he needs to pitch in with doing things around the house and taking care of the baby.Don’t let him get away with this. It’ll only get worse.
When you need to do something, you don’t ask you tell. You tell him stop playing the game you need to do this stop playing the game you need to do something else for the baby. He’s gotta grow up and you’ve gotta take control of the situation and stop dancing around it and asking permission.
I just can’t even believe this is real life. What kind of partner doesn’t allow their partner to even manage the most basic of necessities?
NTA.
Asking for time to have the shower is the absolute bare minimum and I think some partners forget that once we give birth, we are still a human being who needs to look after ourselves as well as the life we created.
Although I didn’t like the way he acted toward you about it, I think you can take better care of yourself without having to do that. I raised two kids with no husband and they were both very young. One was a couple months old. The other one was three and I took a shower every day, so you can work that out and save your fire power for a bigger problem.
NTA – Your husband needs come to Jesus that when a baby comes, video games go way down on the list of things that take priority.
You having an uninterrupted shower should be a daily thing.
Obviously you’re not the asshole, but can you shower with her in a swing or bouncer that you bring into the bathroom? I know it’s not ideal but my daughter also was not a great napper but would stay content in a swing and that’s how I showered
This is why women should never be a SAHM. You don’t know what kind of husband you will have postpartum. Your husband is a terrible husband and father. Are you sure his work schedule really changed or is he spending it elsewhere to avoid being home.
Moms need a break too. He can watch her for a little bit while you shower
NTA
It takes 2 to raise a child, i think you’re a lil too nice to your husband, giving him 4 hours a day to play games.. while you’re full time with a baby.. when is your downtime? I aint gonne lie, when my wife leaves me with our baby its way harder than when im at work.. so since then i make sure to give my wife a break from the baby.. i think it’s time you had a real conversation with your husband.. he needs to grow up and start helping around more with the baby and atleast let you take a shower! Anyways good luck!
Just a question – you mentioned that he spends time with the baby when he gets home. Why do you not take a shower then?
YTA because it’s preposterous that you can’t find time to shower while dealing with ONE infant throughout the day. Just objectively ridiculous
As a man, i totally get needing some down time after work. But, you only being able to squeeze out enough time to shower 1-3 times a week is ridiculous. Youre not the ah for wanting to take a bath. No insult meant towards your husband, im sure he is a great guy that loves his family, but imho i think he is being a little selfish. Tbh im having a hard time understanding how it is even an issue. One would think that showers would be a requirement when youre with someone. He should want you to shower.
NTA. I can’t say anything beyond that, though, or I will get banned.
You sound like you’re a victim, but you’re just not standing up for yourself.
You’re not the asshole he is yes he works six days a week but you work 24/7 days a week so I don’t see why you can’t just go take a shower and leave the baby in front of him put her in the car seat and go take a shower. Don’t ask.
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NTA. I have friends with kids and we kept gaming. His wife wasn’t as hands on as he was, no judgement. So when we play online like once a week he’d constantly get interrupted and have to go do something, and we never complained. It was actually something we never complained about: taking care of his wife and kids and himself should always be more important than a video game.
Heck since we all live in different areas, we planned a guys weekend weeks in advance. We get into town, and he can’t make it he had to take his kid to the hospital. No biggy. We head to the hospital to pickup his other kids to watch them and bring some dinner and stuff to him and his wife while they were waiting. We took the other kids back to his house and decided to just clean for them since with 3 kids there’s always something to do and figured a cleaner home was less stressful after being in the hospital (one of the other men in the group is his brother, who had watched the kids etc so it wasn’t just strange men taking kids home). His kid turned out fine after the first night, they just get sick pretty quick and recover pretty quick. We rescheduled guys weekend for another time, and really we still got to hang out in possibly a more constructive way than annoying some fish with hooks for a weekend.
Clearly NTA. And clearly he should be doing more. But you can shower when your baby is awake. You can shower during the time he spends with her. You can shower when she’s in bed. It never should have got to this point. You also deserve time to yourself beyond basic needs like bathing.
Grow up and quit playing stupid games. Then you could shower, preferably everyday, whenever you want. Or just lay the baby next to him and just wash your ass. Sounds like you need to grab them lady balls.
NTA.
Do you get four hours of free time a day to do whatever you want?
Why should he?
YTA for asking what is clearly not an AITA, but is instead a moan about someone else being TA. That’s not what the sub is for.
Take a shower when he is spending an hour or two after work with the baby. No one needs to ask permission from their spouse to take a shower. You’re both TA.
NTA – BUT you can shower with the child awake. I have 2 children 2 and newborn, my partner works 12 hour shifts 5 days one week 4 the other. Newborn in a baby bouncer in the bathroom. 2 year old in baby pen with baby monitor which I take into the bathroom.
Sometimes I put the toddler in front of the TV and sometimes (we have a shower over the bath) when she’s super needed she comes in the shower with me with some bath crayons or water play toys. I just ran a shallow bath so she doesn’t get cold and then shower in it 🙂
Gross. If he went for a business trip for 2 weeks would you stink for that long? Put the kid in the crib or bouncer and take a shower. After 3-4 days I can see why he rather plays a game than interacts with you. How many days of stink can he put up with?
NTA
Tell him to stop being selfish and grow up. You are allowing him his time off to relax and de-stress, but where is your time? I’d talk to him and tell him about it. Does he think it’s easy raising a baby? Does he think you are intentionally ruining his ‘off time’? Does he think you don’t deserve time to do things YOU want or have some alone time? I highly suggest talking to him because talking negatively about you for indirectly asking for help with your child is incredibly rude and selfish.
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Just take a shower like an adult, stop asking permission.
NTA and your husband sounds like a crybaby, but go shower whenever you want, baby doesn’t need to be asleep for you to do that.
I showered every day, and not just a quick 5 minute in and out – always a proper shower, because I’d just plop baby in the bouncy seat with some toys and set them beside the shower.
Don’t ask. Give him some lead time, & say, hey, I’m going to take a shower in an hour. That way he’s not ‘surprised’ & can arrange his life accordingly.
You should have time for a shower Every Day if you want NTA. But perhaps discuss this with your husband, because with the online gaming with others its 5he interruption that makes them irritable. Ask him if he can delay game playing after dinner to give you time for a shower, maybe he could put her to sleep? Could you make that time he has with the baby your shower time? All I am suggesting is that you discuss it with him as it is a really minimum ask, but discussing in advance instead of asking in the middle of whatever is more likely to get a positive response. But you are tired too and if you havent had time to shower, well you deserve that.
NTA, It’s actually infuriating that you have to ask in the first place. When does your husband parent his own child and spends quality time with her? It sounds like barely any time.
And on another note, take care of yourself. Take that shower while your daughter’s napping. Even when she does wake up while you’re showering she will be safe in her bed. Nothing will happen to her even if she does cry for a bit. Don’t forget that. She will benefit more from a fresh mommy who takes care of herself, than a mom who’s forgoing herself constantly. This is coming from a mom with a newborn of barely 6 weeks.
NTA. He can take a break from his game or just have the monitor with him as he games. He needs to step up as a parent.
But as a mom myself, most of my showers when my daughter was young was with her in her bouncer in my bathroom. So I can do it if I am home alone or if my husband is busy doing something. There are other options. I know showers by yourself to relax are nicez but baby can be in the room with you. My daughter was fine if I had the curtain open a bit ao I could peak out every once in awhile and see her and sing her songs.
You need to start demanding equal time away. Equivalent to his gaming hours.
Basic hygiene is not something you should ask for. When he comes home everyday that is your time to shower. Leave the house alone. If he has a problem then he can clean it. Take care of yourself first.
Women really need to stop having children with these giant assholes that cant function as responsible adults….
NTA but both of you should communicate better here – hear me out.
Working 54 hours a week plus commute is brutal.
Being a parent to a young baby is brutal.
Both parents need quality time together, need to sacrifice certain things, and need to help each other get time for themselves.
As a couple you guys should sort out beforehand what is the plan for all these 3 things so you can both have the time you need together, and to rest for yourselves.
He’s obviously gaming a lot on his day off, and that should be addressed ahead of time, not when he is in the middle of something with his friends.
Timing matters. You arent to blame and certainly NTA, but both of you need to improve your communication and timing.
Side note: as others have said, why arent you showering when he’d spending 1-2 hours with bub each day?
NTA. Your husband is expecting a traditional wife to take care of everything.
OP – be careful. My dad was the same way, except it was watching soccer all day instead of playing video games. We’d go out together as a family on weekends and if it interfered with a scheduled game he would go ballistic until my mom caved and we all went home. My dad supported the family working two jobs, but he was still a misogynistic asshole. My mom did side jobs and it was never enough to quell his lack of respect for her.
Please, please, please make sure you go back to work (or school). You can still be a great mother even when you’re working on yourself. Do not be dependent on this man.
YTA for neglecting yourself like that. Your baby is six months old. Does she have a bouncer? An activity station? Pack and play? Anything? You can bring it into the bathroom, plop her in it, and take a shower. She doesn’t nap long enough? Let her hang out in the crib after her nap while you take a shower. You have to learn to take care of yourself while you take care of your baby or it’s going to get way harder.
Obviously your husband is being ridiculous and acting like a child, but that just proves that you have to be more proactive about your own needs. He doesn’t care, so you have to. Once a week with a baby that young (they are adorable poop, spit up, and drool fountains at that age and it gets everywhere) is gross.
When is your day off where you get to do whatever you want for hours on end?
INFO
You said he spends an hour with her when he gets home, can you use that hour to get your shower in daily?
Major NTA
First of all you shouldn’t ask, you tell him youre gonna take a shower. When he gets home, hand him the baby and say im gonna go shower. My husband doesn’t even game anymore til the kids are asleep. And he used to be a major gamer. Your husband needs to step up, im a sahm and my husband works full time and is in college fulltime along with having 2 kids. The job never ends, you deserve to have a basic need met.
The baby is asleep. Why can’t you take a shower? Are you saying that one of you watches the baby all night while it sleeps?
He spends an hour or two with the baby after work. Why can’t you shower then?
I’m not even going to address the rest of this story, which is absurd and obviously NTA.
You have two babies.
You actually have two babies. NTA. (I’m also a gamer – his behaviour is reprehensible.)
I’m confused. Why can’t you shower while he’s gaming…?
Also: I get that he’s working long hours and whatnot, but he should be doing more to help out at home.
Don’t even ask. Just tell him you are taking a shower he needs to take care of the baby( doesn’t have to be asleep). Also on his day off, take time to yourself. Tell him you are going shopping or getting your hair done. It doesn’t matter, time for yourself.
The kid is 6 months old just plop em down in the a seat while you shower, or your husband can even do the same while he games. All kinds of wrong and gross to be showering once a week in this situation
I mean NTA at all, but why can’t you shower when he’s taking care of her for the 1-2 hrs after he he’s off work or even after you put her down at night? Even during the day while the baby naps. It’s okay if she wakes up and cries for a few while you’re finishing your shower. Not saying your husband doesn’t need to help but pointing out there are other shower time options. How do you think single parents shower?
He works 9 hour days. Respectable. But you work 24 hour days! Now let that sink in. Don’t discuss. Hand him the baby and get your well deserved shower. Get firm and set boundaries or you will eventually collapse.
Two things:
1: No, NTA, he needs to step up. 4 hours of gaming while you work is too much gaming.
2: You can take a shower when you put your child down for a nap. Take the baby monitor with you. If she wakes up, she can amuse herself in her crib until you finish while you keep an ear on her to make sure that there’s nothing going wrong. She will not perish from another 10 minutes or so alone and awake.
Why can’t you take a shower during the 30-40 minute nap or the 1-2 hours he spends with baby when he gets home? I wouldn’t even ask. I’d just tell him here’s the baby, I’m going to take a shower. And if he can’t be a parent long enough for you to take a shower you’ve got issues. While I don’t think you’re the asshole for asking to take a shower I do think YTA for allowing this nonsense to continue.
Something is drastically wrong here. Parenting is a team effort. Your husband is more of a baby than your actual baby is. There are no words …………
I find it hard to believe you can’t find 5 minutes in the day to shower
NTA but there are so many solutions to this problem. I don’t get why everyone is automatically telling you to take a shower during the day instead of questioning why he felt the need to have a little tantrum and quit his game when baby is already asleep. I’m assuming you all have a baby monitor. Give it to him and tell him you a jumping in the shower really quick.
Girlfriend, I had a newborn and a 12 month old and I still found time to shower during the day. Babies nap, infants can sit in a bouncer in the bathroom with you, the kid can stay in their crib for 20 minutes safely as well. There is no excuse for you not having a shower every day. I feel like you are playing the martyr here a bit. If your husband was coming home and ignoring the baby then you would have a problem but he’s spending time with her before he relaxes. If the baby is already in bed why are you asking his permission, he should be able to listen for the monitor while he plays if necessary but seriously just shower during the day.
Hey mama, former single mom here, and I’m always sad to bring suggestions like this when you have a partner in the mix. I was a single mom for four years with my first, even through the infant days, which was absolutely miserable.
It took me falling into a deep depression and being called out by my doctor to realize I wasn’t caring for myself the way I should. I had a small bouncer seat I would bring into the bathroom every morning after my babes first bottle and change, I’d shower and do my own self care, and then get the baby dressed and sorted for the day. Any time I needed to do anything else, I either baby wore or once they were eating solid food- giving them a small snack in the high chair while I watched on and did whatever it was, dishes, folding laundry, etc.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. But please please please make sure you’re taking care of yourself too. Baby needs and deserves a healthy and clean mama 🩷
I am so sorry that so many of these responses are clearly from people who’ve never had a baby. Your husband is a parent now. You can’t spend your whole day off gaming when you’re a parent. When he is at work you are working too – the baby is your work – and when he gets home it should be 50:50. He should be doing half of bedtimes, helping you clean up and making sure you get the time you need to look after yourself. If he gets 4 hours to game then you should get 4 hours to do whatever relaxes you. He’s being a total ass and I’m sorry you chose to have a child with him. Of course you’re NTA
NTA. your husband might be tired but so are you AND you’re not even able to do personal hygiene? Are you cleaning after the baby goes down so you’re not able to shower after the baby is asleep or is the baby waking so frequently that you’re not able to shower? (My first was like that so no judgment). Your husband can step up for 10-15 minutes minimum and encourage NOT let you shower and take care of yourself. This is his baby too. Gaming is absolutely not more important than a shower.
Take your shower while he’s spending time with the baby. Put a monitor next to your husband after baby is sleeping and take your shower then. There are ways to work around this, but you and your husband need to sit down and figure it out. Sounds like you are both worn out by night.
NTA.
I see these type of posts regularly from partners of Gamers. Nothing wrong with having time for your hobby. I also enjoy gaming. However, your family and the child YOU HELPED CREATE come first. Four hours on a game is enough. Plop that monitor in front of him and tell him “I’m taking a shower. Your turn.” If he’s gonna pout and have a tantrum, oh well. He’s not the only one with needs.
Also, let some things go. It’s tough. I know. I was deep in the hell that is postpartum depression for near three years. I’m just dragging out of it now. I felt awful not being able to get everything done and cleaned every single day. It’s literally impossible. You can’t take care of things if you don’t take care of you. So if that means the dishes sit for a day so you can get a shower and pull up your hair, that’s okay.
NTA. This is bare minimum parenting we’re talking about. Watching his own kid for 30 minutes so you can shower isn’t some huge ask, it’s normal. The fact that he got passive-aggressive over it is a red flag
I don’t think OP needs chastising for not showering when she can during the day. The issue is lump of a husband who acts like watching his own dang kid is a chore instead of part of life. I question why he is even there.
NTA. I’m (F) the breadwinner in our family while my partner stays home with our toddler. I work 12 hours a day, five days per week. When I get home from work and after I’m done changing my clothes, our daughter is all mine. My partner makes dinner while I play with our daughter. After that it’s his turn to wind down while I do the nighttime routine. I also get up with our daughter throughout the night if it’s needed.
I know you’re only providing a snapshot into what your daily life is like, but in this instance, you’re husband is being selfish, selfish, selfish!
From birth to 6 month old, my baby was in a pumpkin seat just outside the shower door. I could see through the glass at all times. At 6 months old until around 2, my baby was in the shower with me. Your husband is a whole other issue – I’m just trying to get you more showers!
Your 6 month old is crawling?
Unreal. Wtf isn’t he helping you the child? Microwave the game system – I suggest the potato setting.
NTA.
For a long time, I didn’t understand why men in general want to have kids because they don’t want to actually raise them. I get women. They want to be home with the kid. Until someone pointed out that this is exactly the reason. That made me think that if I were a dude, maybe I’d want to have a kid. It’d be a little hobby for me, and work for my wife. Men are really smart.
NTA in this case but just some suggestions as food for thought:
I popped my baby in the baby rocker/chair, safe space such as her crib for 5 minutes whilst I showered.
I had the chair in the bathroom so I could see them and they me or they were safe in their crib with the baby monitor close by.
I had a very intense first child who had many challenges but I still managed to squeeze in a quick shower. Might not have washed my hair etc but I was clean. Other times I took them in with me as needed.
He really has to cancel the entire game session because you need to shower? Like they couldn’t wait 20 minutes? Nah. He was more interested in playing the woe is me game with his buddies. NTA. Time to sit down and seriously hash out a schedule that allows you to (at the very least) shower DAILY. Your basic personal hygiene is something he should be as interested in maintaining as you are. You also need time to relax!
NTA. Multitasking is a thing. If my girlfriend asked me to watch our baby so she could shower and I was gaming, I’d be like, “Hell yeah you do that hun,” put the baby in my lap, and get back to gaming. If something happens and I need to put the game down, I put the game down, because it’s my CHILD.
Is this even a question. Can’t he play the game while he watches HIS child? If not, tough #%^*. No one should even have to ask their co-parent if they can have 20 minutes to bathe.
You need a break. A nice long shower by yourself. You are home all day with a small infant.
My brother works, his wife does not. He works 10 hour days, 4-5 days per week. He has a 1 hour commute. His days are essentially 12 hours long. He STILL takes the baby from his wife when he gets home and lets her have a few hours off of baby duty. Then they care for the baby together.
This is supposed to be your partner, it doesn’t sound like he is that right now. Being a parent means making sacrifices, sounds like you’re the only one doing so.
NTA.
For my second baby I bought a waterproof carrier for the shower, something to consider. But also you need time to yourself! Do you guys have a sitter/ family to give you a break?
“He works 9 hour days”
Womp womp.
Gaming for four hours after work while your wife watches the baby, cooks and cleans is lame.
He should enable you to have a shower. But also I love showers so I just put baby on the ground with a non slip mat and had a shower. If you’re worried about baby getting cold put togs on.
I wasn’t going to wait until the end of the day or add to the length of my day.
Obviously NTA, your husband is insane, but for your own sake you also need to find a safe way to leave your daughter unattended for ten or fifteen minutes.
I feel like this isn’t the entire story. Are you showering for more than 20 minutes or do you mean a spa-like experience that takes hours?
Why aren’t you showering in the hour or two every night when he plays with her?
You allude to other issues but say you can handle it though you’re clearly not.
He spends an hour or two with your daughter and you can’t go wash your ass during that time? Really? You were only showering THREE times a week to begin with, and only ONCE now? Nahhhh, you’re the asshole here for sure, and even worse, you’re a stinky asshole. Get it together. Every other parent finds time to wash their ass.
He’s a loser of a father & husband.
NTA. Please shore up your confidence and greet him smilingly and hand him the baby and say thanks, now I get to take a shower! At least a few times a week. He can play with her while you are taking care of yourself. Still time for gaming later.
You need to insist on regular time to yourself and on his involvement in caring for the child and for you.