I (42F) live in London while my three best friends (let’s call them, Amber, Julie and Cate) are back in the states. Over the years, they have been great to visit me even more than my family. But lately, like post Covid, our group has kind of split into pairs. I’m closer with Amber, and Julie and Cate are closer. I also had a bit of a falling out with Julie for some time a few years ago and our friendship has never returned back to the way it was. I have shared all of this with my husband, Andy.
Yesterday, Andy was napping when his phone went off loudly I grabbed it to silence it and saw that Julie and messaged him. Of course I read it. Turns out that Julie and Cate have a “surprise” visit to London… arriving next week.
Here’s the issue: I’m not happy about it. Andy admitted they ignored his advice on when to visit (my days off) and they booked their trip exactly when I’ll be working. Andy and I own a small restaurant, and I work full time in the kitchen. With limited staff and seasonal turnover, I cannot just take time right now.
On top of that, Julie and Cate are both not working right now. So the fact they didn’t even consider my work schedule when booking their trip seems very selfish. And, they even just ask Andy to stay with us! In our tiny one bathroom flat for 4 days, a week before arriving.
I’ve taken a day to think about it and Andy and I have both come to the conclusion they can’t stay with us. But I feel guilty. Part of me thinks I should be excited, but instead I feel blindsided and stressed. This week is one of our busiest of the year and now I’m stuck juggling work and hosting with zero notice.
For context, I hate surprises. Eight years ago they did the same thing and I didn’t like it then either. Even when Andy plans something fun like a surprise trip, I beg him to tell me where so I can pack accordingly! I’m a planner. Not someone who thrives on last lineage chaos.
So, AITA for being upset they didn’t consider me at all in their planning? And for telling them they can’t stay with us? Does anyone have advice on how to deal without feeling resentful?
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I (42F) live in London while my three best friends (let’s call them, Amber, Julie and Cate) are back in the states. Over the years, they have been great to visit me even more than my family. But lately, like post Covid, our group has kind of split into pairs. I’m closer with Amber, and Julie and Cate are closer. I also had a bit of a falling out with Julie for some time a few years ago and our friendship has never returned back to the way it was. I have shared all of this with my husband, Andy.
Yesterday, Andy was napping when his phone went off loudly I grabbed it to silence it and saw that Julie and messaged him. Of course I read it. Turns out that Julie and Cate have a “surprise” visit to London… arriving next week.
Here’s the issue: I’m not happy about it. Andy admitted they ignored his advice on when to visit (my days off) and they booked their trip exactly when I’ll be working. Andy and I own a small restaurant, and I work full time in the kitchen. With limited staff and seasonal turnover, I cannot just take time right now.
On top of that, Julie and Cate are both not working right now. So the fact they didn’t even consider my work schedule when booking their trip seems very selfish. And, they even just ask Andy to stay with us! In our tiny one bathroom flat for 4 days, a week before arriving.
I’ve taken a day to think about it and Andy and I have both come to the conclusion they can’t stay with us. But I feel guilty. Part of me thinks I should be excited, but instead I feel blindsided and stressed. This week is one of our busiest of the year and now I’m stuck juggling work and hosting with zero notice.
For context, I hate surprises. Eight years ago they did the same thing and I didn’t like it then either. Even when Andy plans something fun like a surprise trip, I beg him to tell me where so I can pack accordingly! I’m a planner. Not someone who thrives on last lineage chaos.
So, AITA for being upset they didn’t consider me at all in their planning? And for telling them they can’t stay with us? Does anyone have advice on how to deal without feeling resentful?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told them they cannot stay with us. 2. They are long time friends that should merit them staying
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Tthey want a girls trip to London, not necessarily to hang out with you. If they did, they would plan around times you would be available. Or they would try to guilt you into taking time off while they’re there, which shows again that they don’t really consider you. Sorry
NTA
INFO – are they coming ‘to’ visit you or coming to London, seeing the sights AND want to see you? Big difference, if the trip is for them to sightsee then you wish them well, squeeze in a visit when you can and give them some tips. If they came TO see you, then Andy already said you’re working, they went ahead anyways, so I guess they’ll find out what ‘busy’ means when they get here.
As for staying…that’s up to you. But they’re asking now, a week out, you say you have one bathroom…as in, no spare room either? hell no. Then you say no immediately. Sorry, we don’t have a spare room and we’re working FULL TIME as explained, if you had booked during my time off, then sure.
Finally – you need to tune in Andy as this would not have been an issue if Andy stood firm.
NTA. Very entitled and presumptive thinking on the part of your “friends”. Their trip, they make their own accommodations which does not include your home. You’re busy, they didn’t ask, I wouldn’t go out of my way to deal with them.
NTA. I would just tell them that you will be working during that time and that you don’t have enough space (or time) in your house to host them, but would like to see them still after work (maybe go out to dinner or something). It’s one thing for them to surprise you by coming into town; it’s another thing to have surprise houseguests. Are their plans actually revolved around you and Andy, or is this more of “Hey, we are coming to London on these dates, it would be nice to see you if you are available”? Overall, this was very inconsiderate of them. I don’t think there is a reason to be outraged or anything. Some people are just REALLY crappy planners, which clashes with your personality. I’m a planner too, and last-minute things drive me nuts. But that is just part of who they are. Doesn’t make them bad people.
NTA “dear blank, sorry we arent able to accommodate your last minute stay, we run a busy understaffed restaurant and have no room or capacity to host during the surprise week you scheduled well in advance to be here. “
You are 100% NTA OP.
It must be hard for you that you’ll be working, and they want to stay in your 1-bedroom flat, which can definitely be uncomfortable. You shouldn’t feel resentful OP, because they didn’t talk to you about it.
You’re also right to feel resentful about it OP.
NTA…you don’t surprise your friend overseas by showing up at their door. It’s just not mature.
NTA
they just dont want to pay for a hotel
They seem a little old and thoughtless to play this game. Lousy friends
Your husband texts back “No can do! It’s a big work week, and I’m saying no to hosting, even for a surprise. Gotta prioritize sleep, etc. Stop by the restaurant and we’ll buy you a drink!”
Your husband should have told you all this as soon as they contacted him. So he needs to fix this, not you.
He needs to tell them, bluntly so there is no confusion “We will be busy those dates so cannot host you at our home you will need to book your own accommodation. My wife will be working those dates as the restaurant will be busy so she probably won’t be able to catch up with you”
Friends are AH husband sucks a little.
Andy needs to get a backbone and stop being so nice
NTA why did he even participate in this farce?
“Come during her time off or be on your own. No, you can’t stay with us, we like in 500 sq feet.”
Wow the audacity! They contacted your husband so he wouldn’t say no? They obviously want a free place to stay, not to come see their “close friend”.
Tell them you are too busy to host but please stop by the restaurant during non rush hours for a drink and to say hi (not a free meal because why).
These are not friends, they are freeloaders.
NTA
NTA. They didn’t want to see you, they wanted a free place to stay. I had a similar thing happen to me – I moved to a big city 13 years ago and had been begging a close friend to come out to see me, just once. I always make time to see her when I go back home, even if things are busy. She reached out this past January and said “I have a trip planned to your city on these dates, will you be there?!” Since it was over the holidays, and I travel over the holidays, as I have done every year for 13 years, she knew I wasn’t going to be there. I told her as much and she said “shoot. Can I stay in your apartment?” Unfortunately for her I had a house sitter so she had to stay in the basement (which is fully finished as a studio apartment). It really sucked that someone I thought was my friend really only wanted what she could get out of me. The friendship was a farce.