Disclaimer: These are all fake names for the people in this post.
Okay, me (15f) and my mom(42f) basically only had each other for my entire life. Except for my grandparents and uncles. But, I’ve never really had my dad in my life. My father figures were my Grampa and Papa(step grandad).
Anyway. My mom has been dating her boyfriend John (42 m) for about three years. John and her were high school sweethearts but broke up when she left for college in her sophomore year.
I like John, he is a pretty good guy and he always takes into account my feelings and how I feel about things. Just so you guys know that he doesn’t hurt us in any way.
Anyway, my mom sat me down last night and asked me if I was okay with her and John getting married. If he proposes. I said I was okay with it, but I was worried about how the girls felt. His two daughters. She told me they weren’t asked that question, but when the time was right, they would ask them. I said, “Okay, that’s fine.”
The next question that she asked me was if I was okay with John adopting me/ me calling him my step dad. I said I wasn’t comfortable with that due to past experiences.
A little background information. My mom was in a mentally abusive relationship with a guy we’ll call Little Fucker. They were together for six years and honestly those six years were hell. He did things that weren’t okay like throwing things and saying we were all worthless. Please do not worry he is in prison now because of tax fraud. Anyway my dad was in the military and during covid he passed away do to some health problems. This was really hard on me even though I didn’t know him that well. Little Fucker used this to mentally manipulate me and made me feel worthless.
One day he told me he wanted to adopt me and we both cried. A few minutes later he started yelling and screaming at me about not washing a cast iron. The only eeason I didn’t wash the cast iron was because he TOLD ME NOT TO. He then started saying things like “you never deserved a father”.
This incident was why I told my mom I didn’t feel comfortable with John doing that. She then got upset and started saying things like “but he cares so much about you” and “all that stuff is in the past”. I got upset and told her I care about him too but I still have the right to not want to get adopted. She then called me a brat and left.
I don’t know if I’m the asshole or not. So AITA that I told my mom I didn’t want to call her boyfriend my Step-dad if they got married?
Hi, everyone disclaimer. I meant to say dad instead of step dad. Sorry for the confusion.
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Disclaimer these are all fake names for the people in this post.
Okay, me (15f) and my mom(42f) basically only had eachother for my entire life. Except for my grandparents and uncles. But, I’ve never really had my dad in my life. My father figures were my Grampa and Papa(step grandad).
Anyway. My mom has been dating her boyfriend John (42 m) for about three years. John and her were highschool sweethearts but broke up when she left for college in her sophomore year.
I like John, he is a pretty good guy and he always takes into account my feelings and how I feel about things. Just so you guys know that he doesn’t hurt us in anyway.
Anyway, my mom sat me down last night and asked me if I was okay with her and John getting married. If he proposes. I said I was okay with it, but I was worried about how the girls felt. His two daughters. She told me they weren’t asked that question, but when the time was right they will ask them. I said okay, that’s fine.
The next question that she asked me was if I was okay with John adopting me/ me calling him my step dad. I said I wasn’t comfortable with that due to past experiences.
A little background information. My mom was in a mentally abusive relationship with a guy we’ll call Little Fucker. They were together for six years and honestly those six years were hell. He did things that weren’t okay like throwing things and saying we were all worthless. Please do not worry he is in prison now because of tax fraud. Anyway my dad was in the military and during covid he passed away do to some health problems. This was really hard on me even though I didn’t know him that well. Little Fucker used this to mentally manipulate me and made me feel worthless.
One day he told me he wanted to adopt me and we both cried. A few minutes later he started yelling and screaming at me about not washing a cast iron. The only eeason I didn’t wash the cast iron was because he TOLD ME NOT TO. He then started saying things like “you never deserved a father”.
This incident was why I told my mom I didn’t feel comfortable with John doing that. She then got upset and started saying things like “but he cares so much about you” and “all that stuff is in the past”. I got upset and told her I care about him too but I still have the right to not want to get adopted. She then called me a brat and left.
I don’t know if I’m the asshole or not. So AITA that I told my mom I didn’t want to call her boyfriend my Step-dad if they got married?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action was getting mad about my mom asking me about how I feel about getting adopted after I have a trauma.
I fell like the a hole because I got mad and should I just accept it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I mean.
NTA. You have the choice of whether or not you want this. It’s up to you, and there’s no wrong answer.
That said…
> This incident was why I told my mom I didn’t feel comfortable with John doing that.
THIS is a wrong reason. You are literally blaming one person for another’s actions.
NAH.
Tell your Mom you are not ready and you will let her know when you are. Tell her that you will think about it and you are not closed to the idea but at the moment you simply are not ready for a permanent step like that.
Tell her you have no problem with them marrying and that for the time being you want your relationship with John to stay the same. Please don’t ask you again but you will absolutely let them know when you are ready for that step.
Thats all you need to say. You don’t have to tell her you are not interested. Just tell her you need real time to think about it because its a lot to process and that you don’t want to be bugged about it by anyone or your answer will be a hard and fast no.
NTA that isn’t your father and you have the right to not want to be adopted. also you mother is a brat, respectfully
NTA – but I think the bigger issue for you may be the adoption. Adoption would make him your legal guardian. At your age and with your background, it is completely understandable to not be ok with adoption. The step dad term is whatever you are comfortable with, but it is just a technical term like “in law”.
NTA and at your age you may never view him as a father figure. If that happens that’s ok. Respect him as an adult in your house and your mom’s husband, but you don’t have to force the father figure part of it if it doesn’t happen. With your history (you named little fucker well) it’s even more understandable. You’ve got 3 years until you’re an adult. Plenty of people don’t see their parents new partner as a parental figure at that age. Plenty do and that’s ok too. Tell your mom if it occurs naturally you’ll let her know, but you’re not going to force a relationship. And you’d appreciate her respecting that.
NTA. You’re more than old enough that you can make up your mind on what you want your relationship with John and his daughters to look like. Your mom might have your best interests at heart, but that doesn’t mean she gets to steamroll over your feelings or force you into something you’re uncomfortable with. You being onboard with getting married is enough.
NTA but I know a thing or two about adoption in the states. You say you don’t really have a relationship with your father or his family but if they are bad people adoption protects you from them. And if they are bad people it is probably one of your mom‘s biggest fears. Just for perspective.
NTA you have every right to say you are not interested in being adopted, and if John is as thoughtful about your feelings as you say, he should be fine with that. Maybe he will be able to talk some sense into your mom.
He would be your step-dad regardless. That’s just what your mom’s new husband is called. Doesn’t mean you have to call him dad or anything.
It sucks that your mom reacted that way. Her decisions and prior relationships are what led to your current hesitation. She has no right to blame you.
NTA
I cannot imagine calling a man “dad” or being adopted by him after only three years.
Legally and socially he is technically going to be your stepdad, though. So if the issue is calling him stepdad instead of dad you may be fighting a losing battle.
NTA, mother is in the wrong here, John isn’t. He may not be aware and it’s the mother pushing this issue despite knowing everything. You’re in the right to not have John as your legal guardian. And the duo should respect that. If you feel insecure or don’t see John as a father figure that’s completely fine.
I just hope your mother doesn’t force this on you, seen too many AITA posts where one parent tries to blend the family at all costs and results it in breaking the entire family apart.
NTA. You having complex feelings about a topic because of past trama is valid. And your mom shouldn’t have asked your feelings and opinions just to then tell you that your own feelings were somehow wrong. That’s not ok.
It’s lovely you’re fine with them getting married. It’s also ok if adopting or giving the “stepdad” title isn’t an automatic thing. Blended families take work. And they don’t have to end up like “traditional” families. He can be your mom’s husband, and be just John to you- the important person that your close with and who supports you similarly to a father figure. But it doesn’t have to be a legal adoption or calling him a specific term.
Even if you didn’t have ANY past trama, it’s valid to not want to be adopted. Many people who have lost parents have really complex feelings about that, many because it feels like their late parent is being erased in some way.
Adoption can be really important for stepparents, where if an emergency does happen with your mom, he could act as your legal guardian. But at 15, your opinion would likely be heard by a court, and you’re getting close to 18 (especially by the time a proposal and wedding planning and everything would be done) where a lot of the legal stuff stops mattering either way.
Hard NAH, your mom needs to stop. The only person who is allowed to decide who adopts you at this age, should be you. You seem SO mature for your age, and I fear that’s because you had to grow up too fast. And that’s probably because of little fucker and your experience. I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself. That’s super hard to do. I wish you the best of luck and a lifetime of happiness OP.
NTA. I think you showed some really good compassion by being concerned about John’s daughters’ feelings. It’s okay to not be ready.
Your mom was wrong. I wonder if she thinks John won’t want to marry her if he can’t adopt you. Also, frequently on Reddit we see parents in blended families believe that the families should be able to create this happy television sitcom family without dealing with any of the childrens’ emotions or listening to them. That’s not okay.
NTA. Calling him stepdad or if you even wanted to dad, should come naturally. It can’t be forced.
I’m only a couple years younger than your mom, you are absolutely NTA, and she’s out of line. No one is obligated to your affection.
NTA. To preface this, I am a step parent. Though my daughter is younger than you.
It is fair to ask you to respect him as an adult, your mom’s husband and a member of the household.
But they don’t have a place asking you to let him be your step father. He can tell you that he would like to be your stepfather and adopt you when you are ready. That is fair.
But if or when that happens is entirely up to you. Only when, or if you are comfortable with it. That isn’t something that can be made to happen.