My roommate often watches movies in our room with the sound turned up. I usually study with headphones on, but it’s still distracting. When I asked him to use earphones or headphones, he replied in a surprised, almost sarcastic tone, “Are the sounds really audible to you, even with headphones?”
I didn’t know how to explain it properly at that moment, but the reality is headphones, even noise-cancelling ones, don’t block everything. They mostly reduce steady background sounds like a fan or AC. Rapidly changing sounds like movie dialogues, songs, laughter, and music still come through. Technology that completely blocks all those kinds of noises simply hasn’t been invented yet.
Another issue is his phone calls. He spends a lot of time talking with his girlfriend. He isn’t shouting, but the continuous murmuring is just as distracting when I’m trying to focus. I also take calls sometimes, but if they’re long, I always step outside. Even for most short calls, I go out, finish the conversation, and then come back to the room. I try to be considerate, but he doesn’t do the same.
This happens regularly and it’s getting harder for me to concentrate. How can I politely but firmly explain this to him so he actually understands? And how do I set boundaries without creating tension in the room?
also whenever I go out to eat food on Sundays ( mostly on every sunday me & my friends prefer to eat nonveg outside since hostel food is pure veg. ) he mostly ask us to bring parcel for him.. I was like yaar can’t he move his ass even for once a week ? also he ask us to bring from specific shop where the crowd is much more and almost 400m away from where we buy our food.. even he knows that but still he manages to ask without any hesitation..
also since I care about my face & acne concern, I bought satin silk type pillow covers so that they can’t absorb face oil and trigger acne and always change them thrice a week.. but everytime I come from college to room, I see him lying on my pillow stacked with his pillow.. I am seeing his same pillow cover for atleast 2 to 3 months… he keeps that dirty pillow on mine and use it ? also i bought a new pillow since the one became very flat but yaar he keep his entire weight on the pillows.. it’s been just 25 days my pillow really shrunk.. which wouldn’t have happened if only I used it..
I don’t completely hate him but yaar these specific things making me to grow hate on him subconciously..
DUCK U FATTO
doesn’t he really know that it is common sense to behave in better ways when in a shared room?
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My roommate often watches movies in our room with the sound turned up. I usually study with headphones on, but it’s still distracting. When I asked him to use earphones or headphones, he replied in a surprised, almost sarcastic tone, “Are the sounds really audible to you, even with headphones?”
I didn’t know how to explain it properly at that moment, but the reality is headphones, even noise-cancelling ones, don’t block everything. They mostly reduce steady background sounds like a fan or AC. Rapidly changing sounds like movie dialogues, songs, laughter, and music still come through. Technology that completely blocks all those kinds of noises simply hasn’t been invented yet.
Another issue is his phone calls. He spends a lot of time talking with his girlfriend. He isn’t shouting, but the continuous murmuring is just as distracting when I’m trying to focus. I also take calls sometimes, but if they’re long, I always step outside. Even for most short calls, I go out, finish the conversation, and then come back to the room. I try to be considerate, but he doesn’t do the same.
This happens regularly and it’s getting harder for me to concentrate. How can I politely but firmly explain this to him so he actually understands? And how do I set boundaries without creating tension in the room?
also whenever I go out to eat food on Sundays ( mostly on every sunday me & my friends prefer to eat nonveg outside since hostel food is pure veg. ) he mostly ask us to bring parcel for him.. I was like yaar can’t he move his ass even for once a week ? also he ask us to bring from specific shop where the crowd is much more and almost 400m away from where we buy our food.. even he knows that but still he manages to ask without any hesitation..
also since I care about my face & acne concern, I bought satin silk type pillow covers so that they can’t absorb face oil and trigger acne and always change them thrice a week.. but everytime I come from college to room, I see him lying on my pillow stacked with his pillow.. I am seeing his same pillow cover for atleast 2 to 3 months… he keeps that dirty pillow on mine and use it ? also i bought a new pillow since the one became very flat but yaar he keep his entire weight on the pillows.. it’s been just 25 days my pillow really shrunk.. which wouldn’t have happened if only I used it..
I don’t completely hate him but yaar these specific things making me to grow hate on him subconciously..
DUCK U FATTO
doesn’t he really know that it is common sense to behave in better ways when in a shared room?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because instead of confronting my roommate directly about his behavior, I’ve been quietly resenting him, venting to others about him, and avoiding him in the room. I haven’t clearly communicated boundaries, so from his perspective I might seem passive-aggressive or unfairly judgmental. That’s why I’m asking if I’m in the wrong for handling it this way.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Info: Is this on-campus housing? Like do you have an RA who could talk to him and set down ground rules?
On the movies, you’re NTA, but on the phone conversations, you are. The use of the word “murmuring” indicates that he is doing his best to be respectful on those calls, and if you are distracted by that then that’s a you problem.
Info: were you an only child? Or raised in a house that had strict volume rules? I was the second and had to learn that people just make noise. It’s part of life.
NTA – feel like most of these things come under common decency, especially the food part and the pillow issue. i feel like the sounds can be hard to avoid, but there can be certain workarounds for that ie. him using headphones for watching movies, etc. and maybe stepping out to speak to his girlfriend.
being roomates is all about compromises, and if he’s not willing to make any it’s not your fault.
NTA, but you teach people how to treat you. Instead of concerning yourself with not creating tension, make your problem his problem.
Stop taking your calls outside. Be loud, all the time.
When he asks you to bring him food, interrupt him with a sharp tone.
Snatch your pillow case out from underneath him, and tell him that he’s not to use it. Take his things.
Nta. Stop bringing stuff home for him, or doing any favors for him while you were out. Tell him to stop using your pillow, something you put your face on. When he laughs and disrespects that request, start using his pillow to sit on, put your ass right on it. Start being loud with your TV watching and stuff also. Just be a giant annoyance and do everything he is doing back to him for a little bit. See if he notices and “understands” now yhat its happeningto him. Hopefully he will stop. You honestly don’t have to do a damn thing for this guy, so I don’t feel bad about saying no.
NTA —-
Can you ask for your roommate to be changed or for you to go to a different room with a different roommate?