When I (m33) was preparing to go to uni, my mom confessed that there was no tuition money for me. Through the years my dad would give her cash to deposit but she only did the first one. She spent the rest. TBH I wasn’t even surprised. I was used to being disappointed by her. She promised that she would “pay me back” and asked that I never tell me dad. So for four years I thanked them for the tuition money while I took out loans.
For reasons to do with her narcissism, I have an arms length relationship with her, but she would say we’re pretty close as she assumes my smiling and nodding while she drones on about the same stories is a relationship.
We have a family cottage that she puts above everything else. She lives there about 90 days of the year. I’ve been going there with my gf for about 4 days for a couple summers which she begrudges as it takes away from her time. My dad supports my going which is how I pull it off.
She recently told me that it was time for me to start paying for some of the maintenance on the cottage since I use it. She actually suggested 1k which is wildly disproportionate. I told her she could take it out of the tuition IOU and we could negotiate the amount with dad.
She was speechless. She texted me later to say that it manipulative to bring up the tuition and to threaten to tell dad. It went on and on.
I’ve been thinking about it and First, I’m hurt/offended that she can’t just do a nice thing for me, she has to get something for it.
Second, I guess I’m not really over the whole tuition thing.
WITAH for bringing up ancient history and not paying her for use of the cottage?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
When I (m33) was preparing to go to uni, my mom confessed that there was no tuition money for me. Through the years my dad would give her cash to deposit but she only did the first one. She spent the rest. TBH I wasn’t even surprised. I was used to being disappointed by her. She promised that she would “pay me back” and asked that I never tell me dad. So for four years I thanked them for the tuition money while I took out loans.
For reasons to do with her narcissism, I have an arms length relationship with her, but she would say we’re pretty close as she assumes my smiling and nodding while she drones on about the same stories is a relationship.
We have a family cottage that she puts above everything else. She lives there about 90 days of the year. I’ve been going there with my gf for about 4 days for a couple summers which she begrudges as it takes away from her time. My dad supports my going which is how I pull it off.
She recently told me that it was time for me to start paying for some of the maintenance on the cottage since I use it. She actually suggested 1k which is wildly disproportionate. I told her she could take it out of the tuition IOU and we could negotiate the amount with dad.
She was speechless. She texted me later to say that it manipulative to bring up the tuition and to threaten to tell dad. It went on and on.
I’ve been thinking about it and First, I’m hurt/offended that she can’t just do a nice thing for me, she has to get something for it.
Second, I guess I’m not really over the whole tuition thing.
WITAH for bringing up ancient history and not paying her for use of the cottage?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA – I refused to pay my to use the cottage and I drudged up ancient history that’s probably unrelated to the issue. I also threatened to expose a secret to my dad.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
NTA Why haven’t you told your father about the issue with the tuition? Your mom isn’t going to change. How are you still surprised?
NTA, but I’m confused as to why you agreed to keep this secret from your dad. It isn’t clear from your post whether or not your parents are currently married, but either way, it makes no sense to lie to your father. He thinks he spent money on your education, and for some reason you went along with this lie?
NTA. Your mother is a master manipulator. You don’t do what she wants (behind your dad’s back) and she’s the victim? Nope. You need to tell your dad about the tuition (and probably 1,000 other rotten things she’s done) and get it out in the open. She may adjust her tactics but she isn’t going to change. I’m sure next week or month she will think of another reason to try and extort money from you. Do not allow this! You deserve better!
NTA. Absolutely shocking behaviour from your mum to have stolen what I can only imagine is thousands or even tens of thousands from you. She massively owes you for forgiving this and not telling your dad. The fact that any parent would charge their child for a few days’ use of their holiday home annually is also wild to me, but is preposterous given her debt to you. I think your answer was perfect. It’s not a healthy relationship you have with your mum given that it’s based on sort of blackmail in a way, but given her behaviour, I don’t think there’s any fixing your relationship at this point.
NTA. Tell your dad everything.
Definitely NTA! And go talk to your father about this!
You need to come clean and tell your father. He deserves to know what happened to his money. NTA.
NTA. It was manipulative of her to use you to keep up the lie with your dad. You should have been honest with him from the beginning.
NTA. Tell your father!
INFO: Why are you not telling your father? This makes no sense to me. She stole from you and you letting it pass like it was nothing.
NTA. Your mother, unfortunately, is a very big one. And your father deserves to know what she did with your tuition money.
Why haven’t you told your dad? Like if you aren’t close, why keep her secret?
Tell her you learned from the best.
NTA. She’s pissed you’re playing her own game better than she is.
Use this power only for good, please…
NTA. She herself is being manipulative for wanting you to tell your dad about her theft. It also isn’t ancient history. Also she’ll steal the maintenance money, too.
You should NEVER have kept that secret from your dad – he’s entitled to know that he was robbed and that you have student loans because of it. You need to tell him what she’s done. She can sell the cottage to pay back what she’s stolen with interest.
NTA but you need to keep your father in the loop
Sorry but YTA for not telling your dad the truth, you lied to him to save your narcissistic mother who only cares about herself and money.
If you want any chance at not blowing up your relationship with your father you need to use this opportunity to tell him the truth.
NTA. I think you are being reasonable. She has only herself to blame. She put you into a position of power over her by stealing your tuition money and then asking you not to tell your father. She had to realize that that was going to come back to bite her someday.
Don’t fall for the whole guilt trip – she is just trying to recover and get to some kind of position of power over you again. And you have every right to be hurt – she basically lied and stole from you for your whole life and has done nothing to make up for it.
Also, tell her as long as you are still paying off your student loans, it will never be ancient history.
You should have told your dad in the first place instead of pretending you were getting tuition money. I’d tell him now