I’m the step Mom of the groom. My Step Son and his fiancée are in the early stages of wedding planning and working on a guest list.
The last time they were at my house they mentioned trying to keep the wedding to 200 people or less. I said, “Great! Up to you guys and the less people you have the more time you can spend enjoying the wedding vs. feeling like you have to walk around and see everyone.”
I told them to speak to her parents and see how they would like to split the guest list (50/50? etc) and let me know if you need addresses or want any help with anything. I left it at that.
We live close to SS’s mom and they went to see her after they visited us. His Mom rattled off about 40 of her friends and their families that “need” invites. This was mentioned to my husband and I the next time SS called us. I again told my step son that it was up to him and his fiancée who to invite.
SS’s mom called me OFF THE RAILS. She told me to butt out. I had to laugh.
I might be the AH because I told my SS and fiancée that if his Mom wants to invite her friends she can offer to pay their way. We are boy parents (I have a son too) but come from a girl family and understand the expense from your daughter having a wedding and want to be respectful and reasonable
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I’m the step Mom of the groom. My Step Son and his fiancée are in the early stages of wedding planning and working on a guest list.
The last time they were at my house they mentioned trying to keep the wedding to 200 people or less. I said, “Great! Up to you guys and the less people you have the more time you can spend enjoying the wedding vs. feeling like you have to walk around and see everyone.”
I told them to speak to her parents and see how they would like to split the guest list (50/50? etc) and let me know if you need addresses or want any help with anything. I left it at that.
We live close to SS’s mom and they went to see her after they visited us. His Mom rattled off about 40 of her friends and their families that “need” invites. This was mentioned to my husband and I the next time SS called us. I again told my step son that it was up to him and his fiancée who to invite.
SS’s mom called me OFF THE RAILS. She told me to butt out. I had to laugh.
I might be the AH because I told my SS and fiancée that if his Mom wants to invite her friends she can offer to pay their way. We are boy parents (I have a son too) but come from a girl family and understand the expense from your daughter having a wedding and want to be respectful and reasonable
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> I might be the AH because I told my SS and fiancée that if his Mom wants to invite her friends she can offer to pay their way. We are boy parents (I have a son too) but come from a girl family and understand the expense from your daughter having a wedding and want to be respectful and reasonable
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Sounds like you’re helping your stepson and his fiance keep things the way they want, and their wishes are the most important part.
I guess I’m confused. Your stepson to me seemed to be trying to signal that his mom wants to invite 40 people and that you and your husband should be discussing your list and or that you should reduce your planned count.
I think it’s great you told him to invite who he wants, but he and his mother seemed to be assuming you’re saying that you’re paying for some of the list invites but not hers?
I would just follow up and be clear. NTA to me since I can’t figure out what her problem is and what your stepson said.
NTA!
Imagine having the audacity to think you get to decide who your son gets to invite to his wedding?? HIS wedding. I fully support you suggesting that if she ReQuIrEs those 50 guests, she can pay for their admittance.
Weddings are so freaking expensive.
Eloping is romantic AND economical… Just sayin’.
ESH
> We are boy parents (I have a son too) but come from a girl family and understand the expense from your daughter having a wedding and want to be respectful and reasonable
WTF is this gendered nonsense?
So if the bride’s family wanted a hundred spots, your ss invites didn’t include any of his mom’s people?
YTA.
> I told my SS and fiancée that if his Mom wants to invite her friends she can offer to pay their way.
sigh. This was in no way respectful. All she did was say she had 40 people she needed invites for. This is early stages. Theres no date, theres no location. All she said was she had 40 people who she wanted to be at her kids wedding.
In no way should that have you telling these young people to tell her anything. You are trying to cause a showdown. Maybe not intentionally but how in the world will anyone respond if they actually did what you said and said “Stepmom said to tell you that if you want to invite peopel you can offer to pay”
What happens after that?
Drama. That you caused. At the start of this.
PLEASE fall back.
I’m going to go with “this doesn’t sound like a problem yet and I’m not sure why you’ve posted it here”. NTA for telling your stepson and fiancée that they get final say on the guest list, which I think is the question.
NTA. You are not “butting in”. Your step son and his fiance shared their plans for guest count, you showed your support for that and reminded them that who is invited is up to them. It’s really sad that your step son’s mom is being like this, as this is supposed to be a happy and loving event. This is a red flag that she might be problematic throughout all of the wedding planning, and try to make it more about her than the couple getting married. I’d talk to your husband about that.
Sorry but YTA. You’re the Stepmom, not his Mom. It is between your Stepson and his Mom who of her friends get invited. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. You need to back off before you make what should be a joyous occasion an absolute headache for your Stepson. It’s not about you, so stop making it so.
YTA for the boy mom vs girl mom mess. You’re right when you say it’s up to the bride and groom but you’re making it sound like the bride has more say because because a girl.
I think we are missing critical info : how long have you been the step mom?
While I think the advice about it’s the bride and grooms wedding is good, no mention of who is footing the bill was left out. Plus, it really is between the couple and the purse holder.
Since you left out the true family dynamic I think you’re overstepping.
NTA! To me it soulds like his mom wants to invite aunt Gloria, a friend of hers he used to call aunt, on whose lap he sat at 3, never having seen her since. And all her OWN friends… for braggin?
You sound great, level headed and supportive! Stay that way!
NTA. Bride and Groom should always have veto power over this kind of inflation of the guest list, no matter who is footing the bill IMO.
Parents’ friend requests (aka obligatory non-generationally-close-guests) on all sides should not comprise more than 10-15% maximum of the TOTAL guest list. The party is for the couple and the guests should be reflective of who the couple wants to share the day with. The bride and groom should not be left to pick and choose among their close peer pool because the paid for seats have been hogged by some boomer they barely know.
Yta, you are the step mother, his mother made a comment early in the planning, and you involve yourself and try to cause drama?? Take a step back, and your boy vs girl comments are weird,.
YTA…Speak to her parents and ask how they want to split the guest list/ 50/50? Shouldn’t the couple getting married decide who they want at their wedding? Like pick their closest friends and family, decide on plus ones and then ask if either sets of parents want any additional guests and how many they each can choose?