To start this post off, I am an active duty service member, so I am very limited in my choices for where I can move to 2 years ago, I was sent to Washington State, which was a dream come true for my wife because she loves the PNW and was very excited to live there for a few years. After only 1 year, however, I was forced to change my job, and unfortunately, that meant I also had to move, because all my duty station options were not able to be stationed in Washington State. To attempt to compensate for the unfortunate situation, I gave my wife the choice of the next duty station. We arrived at my current duty station in April, and I have spent most of my time here either in training, learning my new job, or at work, as it is a very high work tempo here. My wife is extremely unhappy with the situation because I am home much less than my last job, which I also hate but have no real control over. I made the decision back in June to separate and currently have about a year and a half left until I would separate from the Military. 2 weeks ago, my wife told me that she had reached out to her previous employer in the city we plan to move to after I separate and had asked to return to her old job that she had before we moved to Washington. She was offered her position back, but she would have to start this coming January, which would leave me here, nearly 11 hours away, by myself. I explained to her that I am very much against this idea and that I would hate to not be able to see her or our kids after a long day or several days of training, but she is very set on this decision. I also commented on how she chose the duty station and is not trying to run away from the situation that she created, which was unfair to her, but can not be taken back. She keeps updating me about houses for her and the kids to rent while they are there, and I continue to try and talk to her about staying, but it has become a cycle and seems to be leading nowhere.
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To start this post off, I am an active duty service member, so I am very limited in my choices for where I can move to 2 years ago, I was sent to Washington State, which was a dream come true for my wife because she loves the PNW and was very excited to live there for a few years. After only 1 year, however, I was forced to change my job, and unfortunately, that meant I also had to move, because all my duty station options were not able to be stationed in Washington State. To attempt to compensate for the unfortunate situation, I gave my wife the choice of the next duty station. We arrived at my current duty station in April, and I have spent most of my time here either in training, learning my new job, or at work, as it is a very high work tempo here. My wife is extremely unhappy with the situation because I am home much less than my last job, which I also hate but have no real control over. I made the decision back in June to separate and currently have about a year and a half left until I would separate from the Military. 2 weeks ago, my wife told me that she had reached out to her previous employer in the city we plan to move to after I separate and had asked to return to her old job that she had before we moved to Washington. She was offered her position back, but she would have to start this coming January, which would leave me here, nearly 11 hours away, by myself. I explained to her that I am very much against this idea and that I would hate to not be able to see her or our kids after a long day or several days of training, but she is very set on this decision. I also commented on how she chose the duty station and is not trying to run away from the situation that she created, which was unfair to her, but can not be taken back. She keeps updating me about houses for her and the kids to rent while they are there, and I continue to try and talk to her about staying, but it has become a cycle and seems to be leading nowhere.
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> 1) AITA for not wanting my wife to leave a situation that makes her unhappy, for me to not be unhappy.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Damm
It sounds like she wants to move because she is a work widow, not necessarily because of the location she chose? Did she know what your working hours would be when she chose the duty station, or would it have been the same regardless of location? Can you mentally consider staying at this duty station like it’s a deployment (since you are never home) while she starts your post-military life elsewhere, or are you guys looking at divorce?
YTA can’t blame her
NTA. Were you military when you two married? If you were, she had to know you don’t get to choose when and where you live. She had to know about the possible long hours and deployments. In my husband’s almost 30 year career, I’ve lived in places I’ve hated, but you do what you have to do
ESH.
You for not understanding you partner has needs too and if you need to be unhappy for some time, like she is now, you may have to.
Her for not discussing it through before finding a job, though this also means she decided she was going long before this became a discussion.
YTA.
Your wife has made sacrifices to support your career. It is now your turn to do the same.
By the time it’s January it will be just over a year for you to manage a period of long distance. You can continue to hold the line on a futile argument, or you can use that energy to start making plans for how you will make time to get over to see your family, and ensure you put in the effort so your relationship makes it through this short term separation.
I understand her she’s somewhere she doesn’t know anyone and you are barely there all she sees is her kids mostly
NAH. You don’t have a choice so you’re stuck where you’re at. But its not fair to her to make her stuck there as well. Personally I think this makes her a crappy partner. But not an asshole.
Ultimately shes gonna move whether you like it or not so I guess you just need to prepare for that
NTA. Your wife married you knowing you were active duty and could be moved around and placed in different jobs. You don’t have any control over that. It seems like she’s got other priorities than your marriage unfortunately.
YTA: your wife did NOT create this situation, you did. Your job forced the move, just because she picked from the list of possible locations does not mean she has any part in creating this situation. She has moved multiple times for your job, giving up her dream living situation, she is done sacrificing for it and since you’re leaving, there’s no good reason for her to continue to sacrifice. It’s your turn to make sacrifices for your family, deal with them not being around so they can go back to where they’re most comfortable ahead of you, and travel out there when you have time. Sounds like it wouldn’t be too different from your current situation since it sounds like you barely see them now due to your work schedule.
Your job created this situation. YWBTA if you don’t take responsibility here. Your kids aren’t a toy you pick up at the end of the day, your wife is not wrong to choose solo parenting in a place where she feels useful. She’s solo parenting and miserable in her current location.
You changing your job and having to move and working longer hours aren’t your wife’s fault, even if she got to choose between a few limited options.
You need to talk to her without blame and figure out some compromises.
How old are your kids? Could she move back on her own, rent a one bedroom apartment and get reestablished? Then as you get closer to your separation date, send the kids to her and you join afterwards? (I’m sure she won’t like that but it is a compromise.) Being a military spouse is hard but I can’t imagine uprooting my kids from their dad, so I could get an old job back.
I think you guys should make a counseling appointment ASAP or one of you will “lose” and end up resenting the other. And that never ends well.
YTA
She did not create this situation.
She’s making the best of the situation.
If you deployed, she would just have to deal with that, right?
She and the kids have followed you for your career; now is the time to plan for when you are out of the military.
Consider yourself lucky that she has a career she can go back to, that takes a lot of financial pressure off you as you transition to your next career.
It’s what, 12 months? Can long distance for 12 months?
>I also commented on how she chose the duty station and is not trying to run away from the situation that she created, which was unfair to her
Uh, so you know that its unfair to her to comment on that, but you did anyway? Mmmm… Petty.
My dude, take it from a veteran. Life when you get out is HARD. Transition can be very difficult and one of the most important things that will keep you truckin’ is stability. If your wife has stabilised in a role, has a good place for you to come home to and a solid base to get started on civie street you’ll be far better off than the day that they hand you your last papers, pat you on the ass, and pretend you never existed.
The constant through all of this for you has been your wife. It’s her turn. Figure out a way to make it work. You should be well versed at coming bringing solutions, not problems.
Also, she didn’t pick your shitty new role so stop projecting. The military made your working life a misery. She couldn’t have known that would happen if she stuck her finger in the air and said “yeah, that one”. C’mon now. We all have/had postings that were an absolute abject misery and made us want to take the remington retirement plan. You know how everyone else gets through it? “It is what it is”. Gut up, get the job done, and remember that this posting has an end date.
Vague YTA, if only because you’re complaining about an 18 month separation when there’s people out there who’ve done back to backs out at the sandpit and didn’t see their kids for near on two years at all when you can just get on a plane at holiday time.
I think calling it “a situation she created” is a pretty AH move.
It’s not like she did something wrong. All she did was choose where to move-a choice you gave her. Was there any way she could have predicted that this particular choice would have resulted in such long hours for you, in comparison to the other options?
Basically, your wife is telling you she’s unhappy and is looking for more control over her situation. Stop blaming her for something she ultimately didn’t actually have much choice about, and see how you can help her feel more supported.
Is it the job specifically she wants back, or is it just the familiarity of a place she already knows? Is she lonely in this new assignment? Can you help her find ways to get connected, or find a job here that she likes better than she what she currently has? Would childcare ones or twice a week, maybe in the evenings, give you more time to connect? Would you be able to afford to hire someone to help out during the day once or twice a week?
YTA
Your wife didn’t create this situation, your job did. If it were up to her, you wouldn’t have left the PNW in the first place. And I doubt she chose the duty station thinking that she would get her old job back and move back.
It seems to me she’s thinking of the future; where she wants to be when you get out. I doubt the job offer will still stand after you’ve finished your contract.
You’re thinking of the present; how you’re going to get through the end of your service without her being there. It sucks, but it’s not for long.
NTA. She decided to move early and take your kids 11 hours away. She can easily decide NOT to break up the family. That would sure make me feel like I was only around to provide a paycheck. Clearly, her attitude is that neither she nor the kids need a husband and father in the picture. That must be heartbreaking for you!
Military marriages are hard. Your wife wants her career back and it seems like it would be a good investment if you are leaving the service. I know it sucks to be separated but that sometimes happens to active duty service members anyways with non accompanied tours. I’d consider the separation a joint sacrifice and something that will set your family up for future success financially and in your relationship.
Don’t get too caught up in the fact that she chose the duty station. She likely saw it as the best of a bunch of bad options. Like I said, active duty marriages are hard, many of them fail. If you want yours to beat that, give your wife some grace.
Your wife didn’t create this situation. Your employer did. Employers upend employees lives all the time. They suck. She doesn’t. And she is wildly unhappy….If I were your wife and moved all over hell and half of Texas for your job, and now you won’t support me getting the job I want, in the place we’re already planning to be, I would feel very resentful. I would feel as though you are only prioritizing your job and your happiness. I would probably be ticking off every sacrifice I’ve made for your job and your happiness and reminding myself that now when it would be your turn, instead of being my partner and figuring out how we can make this work, you’re blaming me for the “situation I created”. YTA
ESH
But I’m curious what the financial situation here is. Does she work? Are you two actually able to afford renting a HOUSE plus wherever you’re renting now? Or does she expect you to downgrade to a studio or 1 bd?
Tbh her doing this almost seems like a punishment. You both can finally see the finish line and she decided to grab the kids and jump into a car, rather than run with you.
Let her go and get established. It’s not that long.
YTA. You are abandoning your wife for your job. You might live in the same house but you are always gone. She keeps following you around but you don’t do anything for her. You just expect her to be fine on her own. And no, she did NOT create the situation, YOU did. She didn’t have the option to stay where she wanted to be and you don’t seem to care. You gave her only bad options to pick from and then just abandoned her for your job. Let her go. Stop being so selfish.
Your title is misleading and theres a lot of missing info and those 2 things make me think:
YTA
You weren’t planning on retiring after this assignment, so your wife wasnt able to factor that into her choice.
You dont state how throughly you explained the expected difference in assignments to your wife.
Did you throughly explain those differences to your wife or just giver her a bare bones explanation of the assignment choices and location choice?
To be honest I dont think you give her a proper explaination because based on how you wrote this I’m not sure you even understood how demanding your assignment would be.
Especially since this assignment seems have made you want to seperate earlier than previously planned.
How is your early seperation going to affect your retirement benefits/financial obligations?
If you need your wife to have income after your separation and she can make enough to support the kids, can you really afford for her not to move/take the job while its available?
Are you two plugged into the community at your current duty station at all? Have you done any couple’s counseling?
There are some serious problems here, larger than the two of you can really handle on your own. Blessings on you and your family.
NAH
Soft A cause you’re projecting on her. You need to support her career like she has supported yours,
YTA.
YTA
It’s not the location, it’s the situation. Have been active duty and married to someone active duty/on deployment. Being married and alone all the time fucking sucks. It’s miserable. It’s like being single, but you can’t date anyone, have little to no physical touch or intimacy, and are basically putting your life on hold in the hopes that your partner might spend an hour with you every few weeks. AND she has the added stress of basically being a single parent, with no support with the kids, and no adults at home to even talk to.
The rest of the time, you’re sitting around, lonely and miserable, and wondering why the hell you put up with this. Yeah, you can’t control the situation, but she can control it even less.
You complain that the decision is unfair because it would leave you by yourself, but this situation is doing exactly that to your wife.
Pretend she’s deployed.
I will say you’re kinda the AH and she’s not. It’s 18 months. You can do this standing on your head.
ESH. She didn’t create this situation, your job did. However, as a previous military member and also an ex military spouse, its wrong of her to take the kids away. She decided to marry someone and have kids with someone who is in the military. She should stick it out with you even with all the sacrifices. That’s what she signed up for. That’s what you signed up for. Idk why she would reach out to her previous employer so early