I work 50 hours a week in an office. My schedule is from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., Monday to Friday, and I’ve been doing the same thing for years. My life is quite routine: I get up, have a quick breakfast, travel to work, come home, prepare something for dinner, watch a series and go to sleep. I almost always use the weekends to update the house, shop, and visit my parents. It’s not that it bothers me, but I feel like each day is a copy of the previous one.
The thing is, I recently decided that on Tuesdays after work I wanted to take two hours just for myself. Nothing extraordinary: going to the gym, reading in a cafe or just walking without rushing. The problem is that my partner (we have been together for three years and have lived together for one) got angry because he says that “I don’t have time for the relationship” and that I am prioritizing a selfish routine. According to her, we should take advantage of those moments to share more things together, since “free time is little.”
I explained to her that it’s not about not wanting to be with her, but that I feel like I’m becoming a machine that repeats the same thing every day, and that I need even a small “window” to feel like I’m doing something different. But she insists that I am being unfair because between work, home and obligations, “we don’t see much of each other anymore.”
Now I’m doubting. I really enjoy their company, but I also feel that if I don’t keep that space for myself I will continue to feel trapped in an endless cycle. Am I being selfish for wanting to reserve those two hours a week just for myself?
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I work 50 hours a week in an office. My schedule is from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., Monday to Friday, and I’ve been doing the same thing for years. My life is quite routine: I get up, have a quick breakfast, travel to work, come home, prepare something for dinner, watch a series and go to sleep. I almost always use the weekends to update the house, shop, and visit my parents. It’s not that it bothers me, but I feel like each day is a copy of the previous one.
The thing is, I recently decided that on Tuesdays after work I wanted to take two hours just for myself. Nothing extraordinary: going to the gym, reading in a cafe or just walking without rushing. The problem is that my partner (we have been together for three years and have lived together for one) got angry because he says that “I don’t have time for the relationship” and that I am prioritizing a selfish routine. According to her, we should take advantage of those moments to share more things together, since “free time is little.”
I explained to her that it’s not about not wanting to be with her, but that I feel like I’m becoming a machine that repeats the same thing every day, and that I need even a small “window” to feel like I’m doing something different. But she insists that I am being unfair because between work, home and obligations, “we don’t see much of each other anymore.”
Now I’m doubting. I really enjoy their company, but I also feel that if I don’t keep that space for myself I will continue to feel trapped in an endless cycle. Am I being selfish for wanting to reserve those two hours a week just for myself?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1)I just want to have something to do before work
(2) that makes me an asshole because my gf thinks we dont have time
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Wanting a couple hours to yourself is not selfish, it’s healthy and actually makes you a better partner.
NTA. You two have 6 other days to do things together, right? It’s good for your mental health to have some time to yourself every now and then.
You’re NTA.
It’s very reasonable and pretty minimal to take a couple hours a week for yourself to momentarily hop out of that rut.
Why can’t she come to the gym or go on the walk with you? If you are this tired of her after 3 years, imagine after 20. She deserves better, and so do you.
NTA, obviously. But it seems like you need to reconsider your routine a bit so that you don’t feel trapped by it. For example: buying groceries once in 2 weeks, not visiting your parents every week (if it’s an obligation rather than a joy you want to treat yourself with), getting a robot vacuum-mop/cleaner, adding more hobbies and walks (also for better mental and physical health). Your partner doesn’t sound reasonable to me, as you spend time together basically every day. They have to support you rather than giving you this approach.
NTA Your partner should at the very least let you try out your new “time for yourself” plan for a while to see how it goes before complaining. Your week is regimented and it can only do you some good to dedicate 2 hours to your own wants/needs.
You could point out to her that she, too, has the right to take time for herself and do things that she might not have had time for up to now.
That said, you should look into tweaking your schedule, if you can. Can you reduce your hours at work? Could you take a shorter lunch and come in later/leave earlier?
Also, why not also rethink your weekends? Maybe you can cut back on parental visits or go shopping less often (order food deliveries), hire someone to come in early on Saturdays (or on a day your partner is home, perhaps) to clean the house so that you can have a leisurely breakfast and relax?
Look for other ways to free up your time.
Info. Where in your current routine do you spend time with your partner? Is there some truth to what she’s saying that you don’t spend time together?
YTA. It sounds like your partner is an after thought in your life. You didn’t even think to include her in the post until end of paragraph 2. Your partner came behind work, cooking, your parents, updating the house, and even your TV shows. I agree with your point of life feeling very repetitive and mechanical. The part your missing is that none of those mechanics appear to include your partner.
Do you have children?
NTA. Everyone needs to have a piece of themselves that’s just for themselves and not shared. It’s a mandatory part of my life anyways
YTA
Why are you keeping the time for your parents, but don’t have time for your partner? At first I thought you were describing single life and were going to say seeing your parents every weekend is a lot. That would be reasonable. Leave and cleave, look it up. It’s okay to have time for yourself, but if you don’t make the relationship a priority, what’s the point?
Info: do you spend time with your partner other than watching a series?
Need more info honestly. Do you guys spend time every week together? Like dates? Or at home spending time together doing something? If not, then I would say YTA.
I need alone time too but if I’m in a relationship, I need to find time to spend it with my partner otherwise it’s not really romantic.
NTA. If she really wants “couple time” you two can try to fit it in other days. Wanting time for yourself is a healthy thing.
NTA, but maybe another addition to breaking your routine is to pick another night during the work week for date night—y’all can go do something fun like a workshop or class or dinner.
NTA
I have similar discussions with 2 under 6 that I need some time now and again to not be a parent, an employee, a partner, a to do lister and to just be a person.
Sometimes we both do stuff together sometimes we regroup depending on need.
NTA to want time for yourself. But you may end up losing your partner over it.
NTA. Taking time for yourself is only good for the relationship, and you’re entitled to do things that are good for you, whatever shape that takes. If your partner has a problem with it, maybe they need to spend some time alone with their thoughts too.
Where is your PC piracy in this routine?
NTA, everyone needs some alone time to recharge and do something for themselves. That being said, you should also try to fit time in both your schedules for each other, otherwise you both will wake up one day and realize you aren’t romantic partners anymore, but roommates.
NTA
Does she have time to do alone things? If so, even more reason she should understand. If not, she should try it, too.
Have you considered doing most of your shopping online to save some time?
Take a weekend off every now and then to do something together as a couple.
Also, are their children? If so, who does the bulk of their care?
NAH. You are entitled to take time for yourself without your partner. Your girlfriend is entitled to decide she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone she doesn’t get to spend any meaningful time with, and to end the relationship for that reason alone.
Info: when exactly are you spending time with your partner? When you say “watch a series” in the evenings, is this time with your partner?
It sounds like you hate your job and are taking it out on your girlfriend. She deserves better. YTA.
YTA. You seem extremely self-centred. You have time to visit your parents every single weekend, you don’t have time for your partner — you’re just choosing not to spend time with her. She’s clearly not a priority for you. Let her go.
I think you should try and schedule a date night as well. NAH you’re ok to want time to yourself, but your partner is feeling unprioritized. It doesn’t have to be every week, but try and find some time to spend together as a couple (not just watching whatever after work) at least once a month.
Yta
I don’t think your partner is upset about you wanting time to yourself. Having time to yourself is valid. They are upset because you prioritize cooking, watching shows, updating your house and visiting your parents over spending time with her.
Is nothing else in this rigid routine negotiable to you?
NTA, two hours on Tuesdays isn’t neglecting the relationship