Me and my girlfriend are looking to buy our first house together.
At the start of the year, I was going to carry on renting, but she offered for me to move in with her and her parents so I could save money. I agreed, I work full-time Monday to Friday and sometimes weekends, and she’s often away for a few days at a time because of her job. Her parents are pretty laid back, so I thought it would work fine.
Fast forward to now we’ve got our deposit, mortgage in principle, and we’ve started viewing properties. I work in a city and have really grown fond of it. My girlfriend’s from a small village in the suburbs, about a 25–30 minute drive away, which is where we’re living now. I’ve always wanted to live in the city, whereas she’s happy with either the city or her hometown so she can be close to her family.
I said I was happy to view a couple of places in the suburbs, even though my preference is the city. We viewed one the other day, it was a new build in her hometown. I admitted it was nice, but the location put me off, and it felt a bit characterless. The estate agent called the next day saying another offer had come in and asked if we wanted a second viewing. I agreed, mainly to keep an open mind.
Here’s where the tension started. My girlfriend asked if her mum could come along. I didn’t want to say no and be rude, so I agreed. But from the moment we walked in, her mum was clearly pushing for us to buy it, making comments like “I can’t fault this property” and really selling it to us. My girlfriend seemed to fall in love with it, but I still didn’t want to make an offer. I felt pressured and like her family was trying to sway me.
Later, I told my girlfriend privately that I didn’t want to live in the suburbs I want to be in the city. She agreed and said that’s what we’d do. She’d let them know the news.
Then I overheard her mum and sister talking about us, saying they didn’t want us moving to the city. That same morning, her mum texted me saying “sorry you heard that.” A bit later, my girlfriend was about to head off for work and her mum texted her saying she doesn’t want her to move to the city because she’d “never see her,” her grandparents are there, and most importantly her three nieces and nephew would be there.
This annoyed my girlfriend and she’s now not speaking to her family. But she’s away for work, and I’m stuck at home with them. This morning we barely said a word to each other.
For context her sister is very demanding and expects my girlfriend to help out a lot, even though her job is exhausting and she needs rest. My girlfriend is kind and finds it hard to say no.
So now there’s this big rift between her and her family, and I feel like it’s because I’m the one pushing for the city. I am also trying to get my girlfriend to make up with her family but she said is not for a few days because she’s away.
AITA for standing my ground on where we live and unintentionally causing arguments between my girlfriend and her family?
Comments
The bottom line: Do what makes you and her happy. Her family will adjust. They’re just spoiled.
NTA, it’s your home too, and you’re allowed to want the city. Her family’s pressure isn’t your fault
Don’t feel guilty. Your gf is obviously down to live in the city and she’s obviously annoyed that her family is being manipulative. Do what’s best for you and your gf.
Move to the city, don’t stay close. They are looking for you to cater to their needs. Let them smooch of someone else.
Maybe go stay with a friend for a
Few days , don’t stay there alone , they will
Get the point
Gf still? Don’t put her on the deed. They get no input. Nta.
NTA. 25-30 minutes away is NOT far. They’re being small-minded and dramatic. It sounds like you and your gf are on the same page, so who cares what her family says? You guys do you – they’ll adjust.
Nta because your gf also wants the same thing. Sounds like a bit of distance between the gf and her family is necessary.
Definitely NTA. Move somewhere that makes you two happy. No fault on the family who have a happy little thing going on, but you and your girl can build your own life.
Tell the family there are many parts of the city. Some that are closer some that are further away. They are making a very compelling case for you opting for the further away part.
It’s 30 minutes. What’s the problem? I’d start floating house ideas out of the state/country. Just leave some print outs etc around. Say there is talk of maybe a promotion for me in some far flung place of the world.
This is your money and your home. Do what makes you happy. So getting her away from the sister that saps her will be helpful.
Just dolots of reassuring them that it is only 25 mins away, you will see them lots and then you can consider a place away from the city when you have a family.
Boost the benefits to them of theatre, parking in the city, and your girlfriends happiness.
Family sounds controlling
NTA
30 minutes drive could be an inconvenience to you because you will have to drive 5 days a week. If you’re in the city, you would make the trip just once on the weekend to visit your in laws. Or her parents could come to you, it wouldn’t be such a huge deal.
I suspect they want you close so their other daughter can take advantage of your girlfriend as a free babysitter.
And no matter what their reasons are, the final call is yours and your girlfriend’s.
NTA. They have been pretty clear. A 30 minute trip is too much for them to reliably see their daughter.
NTA. I’m assuming your girlfriend sent going to cut off contact with her family and is going to make an effort to see them regularly if they are close. Her family are getting all upset about something that’s not even happened yet and fearing the worst.
However, if you want to smooth things over, maybe your girlfriend needs to sit down and have a chat with them when she gets back, to reassure them she loves them and will see them in the future etc. – without pandering to any emotional blackmail or toxic behaviour on their side, obviously!
I don’t understand the rift. They just vocalized they didn’t want y’all to move away from them? Is that all, or were harsh words exchanged, badgering, what exactly?
Move and do what you want- what’s best for you. It’s your money and future. I just don’t get the rift part. It isn’t a crime or even an AH thing to do, to give your thoughts on a situation, as long as you aren’t abusing them in the process.
NTA, looking back clear my family did similar and we ended up back in ‘home town’ to be close to them when we had kids, had kid and a couple of years later they moved 2 hours away…
You need to do whats right for you.
NTA
Your money, your life, your decisions.
The city is 25 mins away. LOL. That’s nothing in terms of visiting every few weeks. It’s not like you’re moving across the country to be 5-6 hours away.
Also, they are very selfish that they ignore that you are saving yourself an hour of commuting per day.
They’ll be fine, once you show that visits still happen. I’d really stress how close you are.
For your sanity, quit looking at any more homes in that village.
Your GF needs to live her own life. Not the one her family wants. You’re not moving continents away, just a half hour. You’re NTA for wanting to live your lives. I think for the health of sanity and relationship you shouldn’t be in the same town because you know her family will be up your backside about everything.
This is not a healthy proximity .
NTA
Buying a property is a big step in everyone’s life especially home
If you both align for the property only then you should buy and probably not for please somebody who is not living with you
Don’t set that precedent by caving to her family. Do what makes the two of you happy. Not her family
NTA
Sounds like you ánd your gf are in the same page but she is easily bullied by her family to be a free babysitter.
Putting distance between you and her family will do her the world of good. Her sister had those kids, she can figure it out with their parents.
After moving out at 18 for university I never lives closer than 500 miles from my ‘home’, and mostly lived overseas. Same for my spouse. My children each moved away following university (son overseas). My point? You don’t have to live next to your parents to maintain a close and lo jng relationship, especially in this age of instant messaging, free long distance, etc.
I would never have held my kids back by pushing for them to live near me
Your money , your choice.
If you being pressure and buy a house in a location not your choice, you will regret it. And it is always better to live a bit farther away from family, so you have the privacy.
Otherwise, you will see her mum being in your house, every day. I don’t think you want that.
In modern day terms a 25 minute drive is not a big deal
It sound more like the in-laws don’t make the effort with their only family
Sounds like she’s quite happy to have you whisk her away to the city. She’ll actually get some time off to rest there instead of being treated like the help at home
Nta view places you and your gf like and move out
Next time take no one with you and tell GF to keep it only between you two so there is no interference. Stop telling GF to make up with them. Let her deal with it in her own way. Her mom is trying to manipulate this situation and maybe she is finally seeing the light and is tired of it. I think the distance of the city will be good for both of you.
There are only two votes in this, her family do not get a say.
Your girlfriend does get a say though, so you have to be careful that you don’t end up pushing her into being as resolute as you are in the opposite direction. Pick out some places to view and hopefully sway her.
But the distance is nothing, it’s not a good reason to live somewhere you don’t want to live.
The reason they don’t want you to move is because, They don’t want to lose their built in babysitter and helper… however- Do what makes you both happy and they will have to deal with whatever you guys decide. NTA
Americans would laugh, that 30 mins is too far away.
Stop looking at houses in the suburbs and stick to the city
When she gets home and has a good rest, have a sit down with daddy and mommy-dearest and stand behind your lady with full support while she tells them in no exactly terms you two are are full grown adult and will decide yourselves where you live and if they have any problems with it then that’s their issue to take to therapy because a 30 minute drive is not the end of the world.
NTA, The city is only a half hour away, that’s not a huge distance. Get a house where you want to live and don’t let the GF’s family guilt you into anything.
NTA
Never buy real estate with a person you aren’t legally married to.
How long have you two been together? Whose name is going to be on the deed/mortgage? This sounds like a nightmare in the making, and you haven’t even chosen a property yet.
Buy a house that clicks all the boxes for you and GF. Not mother’s boxes, not sister’s boxes, not the dog’s boxes…your boxes. All will be well in time.
I am not a city person and avoid it like the plague. However, if my child moved to the city, I would happily drive 30 minutes. Your priority is with your partner.
Go live in the city and be free
NTA, you should buy a house wherever you want to live. Almost everyone wants to live close to their work. While it may not be as convenient for your in-laws, this isn’t about them. FWIW I don’t understand their objections if they’re only 30 minutes away from the city. And who knows what might happen- you haven’t found a place you like in the city yet, and it may turn out that after looking at all your options that you decide to move a little bit outside of the city because it will be less expensive and you’ll get more for your money. Whatever happens, best wishes, and I’m sorry you’re in this current situation (your gf’s family seems very nice, actually. It could be worse.)
Don’t buy a house with someone you’re not married to.
Tell your GF she should stay at home with mummy and you move out alone like an adult
NTAH. You both need to agree to where you live. That said, neither you or her should not be buying a house with someone you are not married to. If goodness forbid something happens to one of you or you break up it becomes a very serious legal problem. It’s generally not a good idea. Especially if the home is only in one person’s name.