My (24F) Aunt (55F) called me a gaslighter when I messaged my cousin (26M) saying that my grandfather was getting confused and that I thought the dementia might be hitting him harder than he lets on.
To provide some needed context, I was organising to help my grandfather (83M) paint the inside of his home and had spoken to my cousin on the phone and said I’d be in my home town, would love for some help from him but that I’d mostly just like to catch up. It would be myself, my partner (28M) and my mum (52F) all lending a hand and hanging out. He agreed and we planned that we’d hang out and he’d lend a hand.
A few days before the agreed date I messaged him to check we were still on but only got a vague half answer that he’d see how the weather was.
Day we had planned to meet I messaged around 11am asking if he was coming to which he didn’t reply until after 5pm that night. I messaged back saying I’d still like a hand if he was free the next day and let him know that it would be good for us to all be on the same page as my grandfather has been very confused with everything going on atm. (Other stressors and neighbour drama) I said that I thought he’s playing it off but that the dementia is hitting him harder than he lets on and I was worried that when he comes over my grandfather will get him to do things that are wrong and it would be better for us to all be on the same page so my grandfather doesn’t get confused.
I don’t get a reply from my cousin, but when my Mum called my aunt she abused my mother and said that I was a gaslighter, not a doctor and that I shouldn’t be using the word dementia. That my grandfather only has “aging brain”.
(This is false btw, he does have classic symptoms of dementia, and while I know I’m not a doctor I understand enough to use the umbrella term “dementia” and not a specific diagnosis since he doesn’t have one!)
I apologised to my aunt in a message to be the bigger person but now I need to know.. AITAH??
All I was trying to do was help my grandfather, we drove 4hrs to help, my partner took an extra day off work to help and I am also currently going through cancer treatment but I was determined to help him. My cousin is not currently employed either.
TIA Everyone.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My (24F) Aunt (55F) called me a gaslighter when I messaged my cousin (26M) saying that my grandfather was getting confused and that I thought the dementia might be hitting him harder than he lets on.
To provide some needed context, I was organising to help my grandfather (83M) paint the inside of his home and had spoken to my cousin on the phone and said I’d be in my home town, would love for some help from him but that I’d mostly just like to catch up. It would be myself, my partner (28M) and my mum (52F) all lending a hand and hanging out. He agreed and we planned that we’d hang out and he’d lend a hand.
A few days before the agreed date I messaged him to check we were still on but only got a vague half answer that he’d see how the weather was.
Day we had planned to meet I messaged around 11am asking if he was coming to which he didn’t reply until after 5pm that night. I messaged back saying I’d still like a hand if he was free the next day and let him know that it would be good for us to all be on the same page as my grandfather has been very confused with everything going on atm. (Other stressors and neighbour drama) I said that I thought he’s playing it off but that the dementia is hitting him harder than he lets on and I was worried that when he comes over my grandfather will get him to do things that are wrong and it would be better for us to all be on the same page so my grandfather doesn’t get confused.
I don’t get a reply from my cousin, but when my Mum called my aunt she abused my mother and said that I was a gaslighter, not a doctor and that I shouldn’t be using the word dementia. That my grandfather only has “aging brain”.
(This is false btw, he does have classic symptoms of dementia, and while I know I’m not a doctor I understand enough to use the umbrella term “dementia” and not a specific diagnosis since he doesn’t have one!)
I apologised to my aunt in a message to be the bigger person but now I need to know.. AITAH??
All I was trying to do was help my grandfather, we drove 4hrs to help, my partner took an extra day off work to help and I am also currently going through cancer treatment but I was determined to help him. My cousin is not currently employed either.
TIA Everyone.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I used the word dementia to speak about my grandfather. He has not been officially diagnosed but has many of the symptoms.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I apologised to my aunt in a message to be the bigger person
When I want to be the “bigger person” in a conflict, I refrain from hurling insults at them even though they’ve been insulting me. I might say “Can we agree to disagree on this? I’d rather not let it come between us.” I might even walk away from the conflict.
But I only apologize when I’ve wronged someone and I’m truly sorry. I don’t apologize when I’ve done nothing wrong.
Just something you may want to reflect on.
NTA.
NTA. Many people use dementia, “old timers” or other words to describe grandparents that might be forgetful. It’s not giving a medical opinion but just the words you chose to express the situation so people can understand. I have said it with my pop and gran many times, even to their face without being called a gaslighter. I don’t understand your aunt’s reaction to a word? Does she get triggered easily? Also this is not gaslighting, she needs a dictionary lol.
NTA
Your aunt needs to learn what a gaslighter is.
I would caution you however to avoid labeling your grandfather as having dementia without a formal diagnosis. Many older people do indeed have “aging brains” but aren’t necessarily suffering from dementia.
Nta your aunt is an idiot
NTA I almost want to say E S H because you simply saying something about grandpa getting “forgetful” or “easily confused” instead of going as far as to label it dementia could have avoided all this, but if you were messaging your cousin and not even thinking about your aunt reading/hearing about your messages, then you probably didn’t think you needed to tailor your words for sensitive ears.
Unless you know your cousin is sensitive too or always shares everything with your aunt, the real A here is your cousin who needlessly involved your aunt. Your aunt gets an honorable mention too. If she’s going to be picky about words being used properly, she might want to take a look at the definition of “gaslighting.” (Although, as often is the case, if a word is used incorrectly often enough and for long enough, the incorrect version at some point becomes correct by fiat.)
NTA, your aunt is in denial and while that’s understandable – no one wants their parent to have dementia – I’d she doesn’t get past it soon it will only end up hurting your grandfather’s care.
NTA. May I suggest you use phrases such as memory ptoblems or struggles with problem-solving or has weakened impulse control? Dementia has a different meaning, and different types of dementia have a difficult and tragic road. He may have dementia or not, but it’s a formal diagnosis that requires testing. I hope he has been or will soon be evaluated and have treatment, if possible.
BTW, your aunt appears to not know the meaning of “gaslighting,” since she’s using it incorrectly tly.
I think I must have dementia because your post seemed unreadable and rambling.
Dementia is a medical diagnosis. I am a health professional and I would not use that term, instead saying ‘memory issues, confusion’ etc.
But your aunt is out of order for abusing your mother on this and is the AH for calling you a ‘gaslighter’. She should not use terms that she clearly does not understand.
It sounds like she is distressed about something that she wants to control and cannot- maybe about this whole situation with your grandfather. – Still no excuse.
NTA
Is your family Hispanic? In Spanish demente is used to mean”crazy”. People get angry when they hear the word dementia. I’m also retired social worker. I used to have to explain to my elderly clients that the doctors were not saying they were crazy. They get offended.