I have 3 children (boy 11, girl 8, girl 6).
All my children have playdates every now and then. Sometimes their friends come over, and sometimes my children are with their friends. I think that’s totally normal. My children are doing well everywhere, they have fun, I know their friends’ families, and usually everything goes great.
I’ve never really had a problem with the kids spontaneously staying with us for dinner, as long as I could communicate it with the parents at short notice, so they’d know, etc. Hospitality has always been important to me, and if the child hasn’t been picked up yet and we’re already having dinner, then the child eats with us. As a mother, I wouldn’t be happy if my child simply didn’t get anything to eat at someone else’s.
My three children are all very different in character. The oldest and youngest are rather quiet, reserved, and need a lot of peace and structure. I wouldn’t go so far as to say they’re autistic, but they’re not chaotic children and they don’t like noise. Especially not at dinnertime. They both like to share a few things with the family in peace, in the safe space of the nuclear family.
My son recently approached me with a request that was very mature for an 11-year-old.
He asked that our middle daughter’s best friend not have dinner with us when they have a playdate. He didn’t want her to stop having playdates at our house entirely, he just didn’t want her to be there for dinner. And I have to admit, this child is the complete opposite of my son. She’s loud, restless, not rude though. She doesn’t throw things around and doesn’t insult anyone. But she is, for example, very fidgety. When she’s talking, she talks with her whole body, waving her arms around, and she’s just extremely extroverted. She talks about everything without inhibition. So, this child, who isn’t mine, is just like I was as a child, which is why her behavior never bothered me that much.
My middle daughter isn’t quite as bubbly, extroverted, etc. I also think it’s because she knows her siblings and tries to be a bit calmer around them. Of course, it doesn’t always work; our children sometimes argue about things like that, but there haven’t been any unresolvable conflicts so far.
I honestly never realized that it really bothered my son that much. I talked to my husband, who said he’d talked to our son about it before, and our son apparently hadn’t made a specific request, but simply expressed that he finds it stressful when his sister’s friend is there. My husband then explained to him about hospitality, that people are different, and one should try to respect that, and explained to him that he can still have some family peace after dinner. He assured me, however, that he told him, “If it really gets too much for you, come back to me or Mom, and we’ll sort it out.”
Well, that’s what my son did, and my husband and I took his request seriously.
We actually wanted to avoid a conflict with the friend’s parents; we didn’t want to blame them for their poor upbringing, because I really wouldn’t describe the child as bad behaved, some children are simply a bit more energetic by nature. That’s why we didn’t try to solve the problem by asking the parents to talk their child into being quieter.
We thought it is our house, our family, our dinner. Here, our children have priority, we are not obligated to let a stranger’s child have dinner with us.
So the next time we had a playdate, I explained to the mother that she had to pick up her child before dinner, gave her a specific time, and explained that nothing would be changed spontaneously that day. She was surprised and asked if we had a party that evening that she didn’t know about, or if we wanted to go out for dinner. I simply explained to her neutrally that we would like to have a quiet meal with just the immediate family, as our children had also requested it. She nodded, and I thought sympathetically at first, then drove away.
The agreed pick-up time drew closer and closer in the evening, and no one came. I called the mother, but no one answered. I called the father, who said he was on his way home from work, but if that time had been agreed, his wife would certainly already be on her way; maybe there was traffic. I waited 10 minutes, and still no one there. After 15 minutes, I called the mother again, and she said she was only a block away. I waited another 10 minutes, and still no one there. So my husband continued to check on the food, we told our children they would have to wait a little longer, and I put the little one in the car and took her home. By the way, for the children, my middle daughter and her best friend, it wasn’t a drama at all; it was clearly communicated from the start, and that was fine.
The child’s mother was completely relaxed at home when I arrived and looked at me with real shock as I stood at the front door with her daughter.
Shortly afterward, her husband also drove into the yard and was completely lost. Because we had spoken on the phone, and he believed everything went finde. He asked his wife why she hadn’t picked up their daughter, and after a few sentences of their conversation, their anger was directed at me. “Why do you have to make such a big deal out of it? You could have just let her eat with you.” Then I was accused of being stingy, of supposedly only caring about the money, of discriminating against their child, of letting my children walk all over me, of letting them boss me around, of not teaching my children what family and friendship means, nothing about good values…
I didn’t want to keep my family waiting unnecessarily, so I just let them continue complaining and drove back. In the end, we had a really lovely family evening: good food, peace and quiet, all three children got to speak, and my eldest was especially pleased that Mom and Dad had kept their word.
But now the whole story has been spread around from their side, and now some people are really against us. Some understand our perspective, if they even let us talk, some are particularly bothered by the clear lack of reliability of my daughter’s friend’s parents, who just ignored the agreed-upon pick-up time for no reason. But I think a certain majority thinks our behavior was wrong, that we should have tried other options first before resorting to the strictest approach, or that our son’s request was excessive and unjustified, which we should have made clear to him…
Now, your opinion, AITAH?
Comments
I think it’s really shitty that you used this time to teach your son that when someone else is bothering him slightly, that person ought to be removed instead of teaching him that different personalities can be tolerated.
The girl wasn’t being rude or inappropriate. You just taught this girl that if she is herself, then she isn’t worthy of eating dinner with your family.
You don’t suck for following agreed upon boundaries but all the lead up to this is really disappointing
Do your one or both of your other kids want the child there?
Not saying that this is what you intended but a kid would probably see it as:
One of your kids was excited to have a friend there and you messed with their friendship because their older brother wasn’t able to handle someone who wasn’t being rude.
Thats going to not be very good for the kids relationship if you’re set on doing this you should probably talk to the kids about it
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NTA You’re not required to feed your children’s friends dinner just because they’re visiting. You clearly communicated the time the playdate would end and the mother should have respected that. You do owe consideration to your children and their preferences.. If having more boisterous children at the dinner table does not agree with your family, that’s perfectly fine. The mother is definitely an AH and I’m sure the people that have feelings about it either don’t know this whole story or are also AHs
YTA. You are allowing him to dictate how long your daughter can have friends over. You are favoring him. And then said yoh aren’t blaming them for his poor upbringing…I hope that kid never goes to your house again. You are an awful parent
Wait… what do you mean if the “child hasn’t been picked up yet” then they stay for dinner? If everyone agrees on a time then kids should get picked up at that time. If they are invited for dinner then you would plan to pick up after dinner.
YTA – why are you using your son as an excuse for you not liking the kid?
eta – did you forget what kid you were dropping off .. was “his” house or “her” house?
YTA
“we didn’t want to blame them for their poor upbringing” since when is being extroverted a bad thing? What indication do you have her personality is a result of how she was raised?
Are all of your children’s flaws a result of your parenting? Maybe you should expose you children to more personality types if they can’t handle someone talking with their hands. If it weren’t for your son’s poor upbringing he’d be able to tolerate people different from himself better.
*edit for spelling
Who do you care more about, your son or the neighbors? There was an agreed to pickup time and mom’s just chilling on the sofa and lying about being on the way. That’s all the neighbors need to know.
“My child wanted to have a quiet family dinner, because her daughter is unruly and loud – it was stressing my son out. So maybe get the full picture before you all take sides. She was meant to come and get her daughter, but didn’t and then decided to blame shift when things didn’t go their way. It isn’t my fault their daughter isn’t behaved.”
And if they continue on – do not allow their daughter back over, they may repeat their actions.
NTA, going against the norm bc the mother agreed upon a time to pick up her kid and just didn’t bother. She was deliberately pushing you to feed her child simply bc you requested an end time to the play date. When confronted and caught by her husband she did the normal it is a you problem not a me problem. I did nothing wrong, you did by not just feeding my child, you are cheap, blah, blah blah.
New rule, all play dates end at the same time before dinner, for everyone. No exceptions made unless it was prearranged before and as part of the play date. Problem solved.
Kid are allowed to have a peaceful dinner. She told the mom the exact time to be there and why. She’s not spoiling her kids she is proving that she will stick to her word. The mom was in the wrong for trying to force the homeowner/parent to basically give her a free day.
NTA your house your rules! And your kids are the priority why should your child be uncomfortable during the family meal? The audacity
So the mother flat out lied to you but thinks you’re the bad guy?
NTA
Why on earth should you not be able to have a quiet family dinner when you deem it necessary? They have no right to judge you.
I wish I had patents that heard me. It sounds like you have an awesome family. I am blown away that people are saying YTA. I must assume they grew up in families where their voices were heard and their needs were met. I can see how kids thrive when their time and energy is spent on being kids. Mine was spent on trying to find a boundary I could keep. I think how different I might have turned out if one of my parents had stood up for me or had my back even just one time. If anything, you were trying to sideways show her you were a better parent by telling her why. The other mother acted childish and was testing your boundaries. Next time just say “important family stuff’, or home visit from CPS (jk) or .. yeah, dinner plans tonight.
NTA
I just read your article and I understand your point of view. On the other hand, I don’t understand the point of view of the first 3 comments: it is perhaps a question of culture.
I don’t see what the problem is: Why is it acceptable for the mother not to come pick up her daughter at the agreed time? It is these parents who are the AH.
In my country, parents are given an end time, and parents pick up their child without fail.
NTA. Home needs to feel safe for all who live there, which can mean something as simple as a quiet meal time for a child who is introverted.
Parents need to establish that they can be trusted to be advocates of their children, not blindly, but with thoughtful discussions as these parents did.
The friend’s mom got caught out being manipulative and irresponsible and is defaming OP as a defensive tactic. Instead of being clear and open as OP was, she lied about agreeing, lied about being on her way, and tried to get her way by manipulating others to pressure OP.
This is now a far bigger issue than dinner. It separates out those who are able to listen from those who reach for the pitchforks at the first provocation, and those who value respecting children from those who feel that parents should be able to get whatever they want through whatever means.
OP should take notes on who to stay close to and who to keep at arms length going forward.
It is marvellous that your son communicated his feelings to you. Feeling that strongly about it to ask for a child to be excluded, though, along with him being quiet, reserved, and needing a lot of peace and structure? I think you might be in denial about him not having some kind of neurodivergence. Especially if the play dates only happen “now and then”, as you suggest.
And the friend who came to play who is loud, bubbly, but not rude? You then call that poor parenting. Since when is being happy and active as a child a bad thing? What if she’s hyperactive ADHD?
The other child’s mother sucks, obviously, for not picking up her child as agreed, and feeling entitled to you feeding their kid even you said no, but you come across as really judgy.
Yta ur son gonna have to learn how to work with annoyances including with adult hood if u keep going way u are now he’ll probably be a the kid who get beat craped out of him or b cocky asshole no one wants be around
Are you guys really ignoring this mother left her child after the agreed time in OP’s house? Since when this is okay? She knew she had to pick the kid and she didn’t to force OP’s hand.
NTA
OP’s kid lives in the house and should feel comfortable in there.
NTA
NTA but maybe she doesn’t need to have playdates at your house for a while. Put it on ice. Bc no way that parent would badmouth me for not getting their kid on time and expect to host their child.
When you explain to people keep it simple: “we agree to a specific pick up time and not only did she lie about being nearby but when I dropped her home it was clear she never intended to pick up her child. As a result we will be pulling back on playdates due to our request being ignored”
You’re not the asshole and it’s not your job to feed someone else’s child.
NTA. If parents cannot pick up their child at the agreed upon time then their kids cannot come over anymore. Stop enabling lazy parenting tactics & keep your word!
Thank you for respecting your child and for giving them the space to speak their opinion! Not a lot of us had that growing up, it’s nice to see! 🥺
NTA. And after this game here, this child would never be in my house again.
I’m kind of appalled she asked WHY does she have to pick her kid up before dinner. The only acceptable response imo would be “sure thing”. NTA
NTA – I’m not even sure what the “strictest approach” means in this context. You made a plan, you agreed on it. You were kind enough to drop the daughter off. The other parents’ behaviour is bizarre and problematic.
Don’t have that child over for play dates any more. The kid’s mother is a lying pos.
NTA. Whether anyone agrees with you wanting to send the child home before dinner or not is irrelevant. This woman lied to you at multiple points. I don’t know why you are trying to justify sending this kid home or why you are explaining that your child asked for this, essentially throwing him under the bus (that part makes you an AH too). You wanted a quiet evening with just the family. There is no reason why anyone should be upset by that. Unfortunately, given her parents, you probably need to no longer invite that kid over, nor should you send your kid there. These people are nuts.
NTA. This is wild.
Who is against you? This is all so ridiculous. I always had some friends growing up who were either not allowed to eat dinner at a friend’s house, or not allowed to have dinner at their house. I had one friend whose family had 10 kids and you were only allowed to have some water over there, if you were even allowed inside.
I think ESH personally.
Mostly the mother in question for not picking up on the agreed upon time, then completely lying about being on the way. That is suuuper weird and assholey on her part. I can’t believe anyone is siding with her after that stunt.
A little bit you too, OP. I do agree that people have the right to comfort in their own home, but your son isn’t the only person in the home. How often does this particular friend stay over for dinner (prior to this incident)? This would be a good time to teach your children about the fact that you can’t just demand people be removed just because. You state she isn’t misbehaved/rude etc., just animated and extroverted. If he can’t manage one dinner a month (or whatever) with someone who is extroverted, that is going to cause him a lot of problems in the future. Perhaps the better thing would be for her to stay LESS if she is over super frequently, but your daughter deserves to have all of her friends treated the same unless they are misbehaving.
This is kinda an asshole statement on your part as well:
>We actually wanted to avoid a conflict with the friend’s parents; we didn’t want to blame them for their poor upbringing, because I really wouldn’t describe the child as bad behaved, some children are simply a bit more energetic by nature. That’s why we didn’t try to solve the problem by asking the parents to talk their child into being quieter.
You admit this girl is more like you earlier on and then stay you don’t want to blame them for her poor upbringing? Yes, tell the bubbly, animated, happy girl that she should dim her light. That is much better parenting.
(FWIW this is all coming from someone much like your son who enjoys quiet and is very introverted.)
This story reads like AI wrote it…
NTA its your house and thats not your child, you dont have to have a reason why you dont want them for dinner. You asked them to pick up at a specific time and they chose to ignore that for no reason and even lie to you. That mum sucks and clearly just didnt want to look after her own child
You told the mother the pick up time. She didn’t come. So you drove her daughter back home. That’s common sense. nTA
I get feeding a kid however if you clearly state you won’ that day this needs to be respected, the parents need to take responsibility and not act like entitled pricks. I suppose next time you need to lie and say you’re going out…
“One of my children requested a quiet family dinner- seemed like they needed that and I need to support my children first above all.” Period. NTA
ESH because the other mom was acting ridiculous but did you really not foresee that suddenly revoking a previous longstanding invitation to stay for dinner when this child came to play with your daughter, for no apparent fault of her own, was going to damage your daughter’s friendship? It does sound like you favor your son because you care more about him not having to sit through a meal with an irritating guest than you do about sabotaging your daughters social circle.
Kinda of. Maybe you should just had an arranged play date time specified (ex:3-6), and not mentioned your other kidsweren’t wanting her at the dinner even tho it was a normal thing that usually wasn’t a problem. It’s also important to teach our kids the world doesn’t revolve around you and it’s not always quiet and peaceful. They’re going to cross paths with so many different people, don’t you want them to be prepared to handle different personalities etc? Idk just my opinion, I wouldn’t send my daughter back, but I’d be happy to continue to have her friend over, and have her and my kid be excited and giddy at dinner and getting to hang out
You’re NTA for driving the kid home when the parents didn’t pick her up. But if I were you, I’d have just told the mom you had Family Plans so the daughter needed to be picked up at a certain time. I wouldn’t specify exactly what it was (dinner, etc). It’s a private family event where guests aren’t allowed.
HOWEVER: you have 2 children with opposing desires. Your son wants to have dinner without the friend. Your daughter, however, probably does what to sometimes have her friend over for dinner. The answer should be a compromise between the children – sometimes your son gets the white family dinner he wants, but other times, shouldn’t your daughter get to have her friend over for dinner?
NTA your son deserves peace in his house and he didn’t try to ban her all the time just a boundary around dinner
I assume your daughter goes to their house and eats there?
This is going to have a HUGE social consequence on your middle daughter. Honestly unless this kid was coming over all the time I think you could have come up with a different solution.
I think your son should be able to handle infrequent brief dinners with someone who talks with their hands….
YTA I think there are ways to compromise you didn’t think of. You could have also done a way better job of coming up with the excuse that day.
NTA, those people just lashed out because they knew they were wrong. It doesn’t matter why you can only host the child for a few hours. You set a boundary and they crossed it. They then showed their true colors by lying and engaging in DARVO.
NTA. Your reason for not having her for dinner – that your children requested an intimate, family only dinner – was completely reasonable. Most people would understand that.
I will say, separate to this one incident, while it’s good to teach your children that their opinions are important and they should be comfortable in their homes, it’s also important to teach them that their emotions are not the only ones that matter. It’s also his sister’s home, and she should be able to have a friend over to dinner sometimes. There’s a compromise to teach between “never having a friend over for dinner” and “spontaneously having friends over for dinner every time a playdate runs long.” Perhaps if the dinners were planned in advance, and not just spontaneous, your son would be more comfortable with them?
YTA. You talk about hospitality but don’t give it. Of course you come across as cheap as you refuse to feed their child. Yes, her mother was also an AH fir not coming when she was suppose to
Could you not have set up a little table for your daughter and her friend to eat at? Or Fred those two slightly earlier there? Simple solution
Your son’s request is odd. Please look into this. Don’t out your head in the sand. If you had actually explained that your son had issues with eating with others at the table so you need the girl to go home before dinner, things may have been different. You didn’t actually explain. You came across very badly.
People talk too. You need to know this. It may be difficult for your daughter to have play dates unless you actually explain about your son.
NTA. You have to have boundaries in your own house especially when it comes to other peoples kids. I think there’s nothing wrong with having a rule that “friends don’t stay over for dinner” so long as it is communicated. Tell everyone that you had an agreement with them about dinner hosting and they violated it and tried to force you to change your mind by refusing to get their kid…
Next time they pull that shit, call CPS/DHS for an abandoned child.
Sounds to me they don’t like their daughter to be at dinner either!!!! Don’t even think for a second that you were wrong in this situation, the mother is so spoiled by you and your generosity that she thought she could manipulate you into thinking this is about you so she didn’t have to feel her own shame.
I get your son completely. My nephews are sweethearts but they are complete chaos and having dinner with them is truly exhausting. They’re full of life and I just want to eat in peace.
Honestly this whole thing sounds so bizarre but I do get that truth is stranger than fiction. For the mother to just keep lying that she was on her way when she wasn’t as appalling behavior.
NTA. The mom agreed on a pickup time and then lied and left you hanging.
As someone who’s family always had people around, usually my older brother’s friends who were AHs to me, I’m glad your son has you and your husband as parents.
How often are we talking here? 3 times a week, okay yeah I can see why your son is upset, 1 or 2 days a month, nope.
Your middle daughter is constantly trying to tamper down who she is for your eldest and youngest. Is she the only one who has to put up with the quirks of others?
NTA That kid’s mom flat out lied about being on the way to pick up her own child at the agreed upon time and then has the nerve to try and criticize you and your husband? WOW They sound absolutely ridiculous. Anyone who judges you without bothering to hear your side of the story is also ridiculous and not worth your time or attention. I think it took a lot of courage for your son to speak up and it’s wonderful you made his needs a priority. Let the neighbors gossip all they want. Your family knows what happened and it created a safe and peaceful experience for your kids. Those other people can mind their business.
NTA, but this is the oddest sentence I’ve ever read: “The oldest and youngest are rather quiet, reserved, and need a lot of peace and structure. I wouldn’t go so far as to say they’re autistic”
How uneducated are you on autism? That’s just such a weird thing to say. I can’t believe no one else has pointed this out.
Also, to even slightly imply there might be bad parenting happening because a child is… being a child and has a lot of energy? You sound like an extremely judgmental person.
NTA My guess as to those saying you are, is that they are of the same ilk as that child’s parents. Feeling entitled to things they were explicitly told they weren’t getting. In this case, child was dropped off for a playdate and parent told the expected pick up time to not interfere with the dinner hour. That parent then pushed back asking what ‘important plans’ they had that made the pickup time a thing. This is NONE of their business; when you drop off your child for a playdate and are told the time you need to return to pick them up, you simply smile and say yes, I will come at that time.
Parents face a lot of judging for how they raise kids, and most, if not all, of it is because they simply don’t agree. Guess what? Your don’t have to agree with how others parent! But you do have to respect their rules when you are allowing your child to stay with them. Sheesh. I cannot believe that you are facing backlash when it is the parents of the visiting child who were WAY OUT OF LINE and extremely disrespectful. And that they also tried to convince others (who were not there, didn’t know the whole story, and shouldn’t be involved at all) to think poorly of you is horrible. I understand that this child might be your daughter’s good friend, but I’d seriously rethink allowing the friendship to continue.
NTAH. NOBODY is entitled to you caring for, and feeding, their child. If she cannot respect that you want some family time, I would say supervised playdates in a neutral location, like a park, is in order, at least until she can respect you.
NTA, regardless of your reasons there was an agreement in place with regard to when she would collect her child and she didn’t.
I would say though that your daughter should be allowed to have her friend over for tea. It’s one evening, it doesn’t have to be often. That shouldn’t be taken away just because your son would prefer quieter people. It’s your daughter’s house just as much as your sons and I assume he gets to have his friends stay for tea.
NTA.
Good job teaching your son that his boundaries matter, and that his home is his safe space. People who are acting like you are teaching him to not accept others must be forgetting about all the rest of the hours of a day when he has to be in settings where he has to put up with it whether he likes it or not. They seem to think that you putting your sons comforts and needs first for the hour of dinner is the example you place for the entire day, and that is a very narrow minded perspective. That’s a them issue, not a you issue. If some of the other neighbors and friends want to act like your the problem for expecting the mother to hold up her end of the agreed upon deal, then maybe it is time to implement a no one stays for dinner unless outright invited from the beginning rule. I can’t imagine being a child and waiting around for my parents who never show, just to prove a point. Personally, I’ve never met a good parent who would do that.
NTA
Your home, your kids, your rules. The mother of the girl blowing you off like that was totally in the wrong, since the plan was already laid out and agreed to, and she deliberately lied to you. I feel sorry for her daughter, who’s no doubt going to get some of the backlash from this.
NTA, however I do think you need to work with your child to be able to handle being in situations where someone is more extroverted and potentially even loud.
The friends parents are terrible. You should respond on social media stating you guys agreed to time x for pickup but I guess some parents activities are too stressful, such as longing on the couch and lying to us to actually be a proper parent and pick up their daughter. Instead they try and perpetuate lies in the neighborhood to cover for their lack of proper parenting skills
>I wouldn’t go so far as to say they’re autistic
Well, you fucking suck for this sentence.
Do you think that YOU are the arbiter of who is and who is not autistic?
You CLEARLY think it’s something defined by some characteristics you’ve heard chucked about.
How do you think it goes? “Oh, they’re quiet and like structure but they’re not AUTISTIC level quiet…”?
Imagine if somebody said “Oh, my kid doesn’t run so fast… I wouldn’t go so far as to say they’re disabled…”
No, because these are things that medical science can define for us, not that you just pull out of your ass as an adjective.
Piss off with your ignorant ableism.
She lied . Your daughter needs to find a new friend
Nta.
Playtime was over. A time was agreed upon. If mom doesn’t want to deal with her kid, why should your son?
Expect an influrry of indignant karens who thinks it’s a deadly sin to put boundaries against children tho.
NTA. It doesn’t even matter why you wanted to have family dinner only that you did. It was clearly communicated to the other parents.
The entitlement to your family’s hospitality is ridiculous. The fact that the mother out right lied saying she was coming to pick up her kid? Outrageous.
You were courteous and dropped their kid off. Possibly excessive would have been calling cps because they abandoned their kid at your house.
NTA
It’s entirely irrelevant why the pickup time was set. It was set, agreed to and the Mom blew it off. That’s extremely rude.
NTA in my house, meal time is family time. My husband works all day and while I’m a SAHM I’m exhausted from listening to kids all day and my chores. I just want time to talk to my kids about their day and their homework, what they’ve learned and to have everyone share their lives in a safe space. It doesn’t matter how chaotic the kid is, dinner is family time. P
NTA, your children should come before all else. You should be proud of yourself for standing your ground and truly listening to and respecting your child. Not all parents are willing to stand up for their kids!
The fact that the other mother agreed upon the time and then lied about even being on her way to pick up her own child speaks volumes to her character. She probably figured out what a “quiet” meal meant as she knows the nature of her own child. However, her feeling insulted did not give her the right to just dump her child on you. You explained your reasoning respectfully and with kindness.
Ignore the nay-sayers. You are NTA. My child has had plenty of playdates where I’m told to pick them up at a specific time, which is right before dinner and I’ve never once felt negatively about it!
Yeah this happened.
The child’s mother is terrible. But you’ve just taught your son that what he wants trumps everyone else in the family, including his sister. He’s going to have to accommodate many different types of people in life. If he can’t get through one meal with an extroverted child, you may be in denial about neurodivergence.
I think you guys did great. Son wasn’t asking that the girl never come over, just that he’d like family dinnertime back.
You both gave him the opportunity to not just react but think about if it was important enough to him. It doesn’t sound like he’s making new demanding requests every week at all.
Everyone else was ok with it including the other kids. Except the other mom who totally dropped the ball and for some reason thought it was really important not to listen to you guys.
And I’m sure dad felt stuck and a little embarassed that his wife didn’t do what he or anyone else had expected.
I’d be mortified if I forgot something pre-arranged like that. You don’t ask a lot of questions about why. Maybe a couple just to figure out why it’s different now. But then you still want your sons or daughters to play so you go along. (Assuming the requests are reasonable like yours was)
NTA.
Just take your kids to the park and keep kids that aren’t yours away from your home. NTA
These people are amazingly entitled. Sometimes, you want space even from your best friend. Sometimes, life gets really busy and you want more quiet, or just a different set up, and it has no reflection on the other person, just your own needs.
Clearly this mom took it personally, and I’m going to suggest that – though I 100% understand how our cultural language has led to this – even your wording hint at judgment of upbringing whether you consciously think that or not. She may have picked up on that, without having the self-awareness to understand the degree to which you are not judging her, especially if she has felt judged in that way by others. At the end of it, you are essentially saying her kid is too much for your kid, and we are taught as a culture that things like that must mean someone is at fault rather than simply acknowledging people can be incompatible, even when it is sometimes only in particular contexts.
Your primary mistake here, speaking from plenty of experience with this given how steeped my daily community is in neurodivergent ways of being, was ever communicating to anyone outside your family that your son wanted more quiet than that girl could perform. His request was valid, appropriate, and an important practice of advocating for himself. But we can also predict that if communicated to those who don’t experience those same needs, his request is likely to hurt feelings.
There’s no need to lie. You can simply say “we’ve had a lot going on, and just plan to do dinner with the family tonight.” To be Frank, even with good friends, you can just say “this is just works for our family tonight Quote. You do not need to justify the choices for your family.
I don’t know how this mom is enough from your description to figure out if this is the sort of thing you can talk through with great care and mutual respect. If I read between the lines, with a bunch of assumptions based on what you did not say, I’m guessing this girl has some significant ADHD and/or other neurodivergent traits. I will further guess, based on this story comma that the parents have not found effective diagnosis or treatment or support measures, and have faced exclusion and judgments from others based on the girl’s behavior, perhaps even having been blamed directly (this is often family member saying “you’re just not strict enough”). This is not an excuse for her behavior, and she was 100% wrong – no matter how offended she was – in not picking her kid up on time, but it may help understanding why she is reacting this way, if it is possible to repair the relationship, and how you might go about doing it if you wanted to try.
I am sorry you’re in this situation, but I want to pause and give you props for teaching your son and creating an environment for your kids that allows them to speak up for themselves in this fashion. That’s no simple thing, and it’s worth acknowledging how wonderful it is.
Nta! I have 2 sisters. Sometime we all got along with each other’s friends, sometimes we didnt. Putting your own children first is the right thing to do.
I will offer you an alternative my mom used, in case this pops up again. We had 4 chairs at our table, so if you had a friend over at dinner, it could be an issue. The person with the friend, and the friend, would receive a company pass, so to say. Those two would eat elsewhere in the house like the living room, bedroom, or outside on the patio.
It worked for us because you didnt always want the friend there at dinner, and if it was your friend, you didnt always want to share the time you spent with them.
Not saying this is best for your family. Im just putting it out there as an option.
NTA. I love feeding my son’s friends. So much so that when one graduated this past spring, she stopped by to say goodbye to ME before she went off to basic training, thanking me for all of the meals she had at our house and how welcoming we have been to her. (My favorite of his friend group, lol.) BUT there’s no obligation. You had an arranged play date with a specific end time. It’s none of her business WHY her daughter wasn’t staying for dinner, and it was rude to even ask.
Spread around the message that these people just want others to care for and feed their kid. Yeah, that’s petty drama, but they decided that badmouthing you to the community was a reasonable response to you dropping their daughter off while her mom sat on the couch and ignored your phone calls. They’re a-holes.
But, I do think that while all of your kids deserve the family dinner time to be quiet and family-only MOST of the time, it is unreasonable to promise them that they would never have to dine with someone they didn’t like. I’d make sure your son knows you respect and appreciate his needs, especially his willingness to talk to you, and that you’re going to make sure that this happens most evenings, but that he has to be ready for occasional interruptions to the routine. Plant that now in case something else comes up and he’s not surprised or hurt that it wasn’t the quiet dinner he prefers.
Nta. They are haters.
Waited for the right time to start drama over something.
If they want their kid to always eat dinner at her friend’s house, maybe they should have cos do a welfare check.
They obviously don’t want to cook dinner for their own child. Why bother when they can get free food at someone else’s house.
If the child is always saying they’re hungry, time to listen up.
Also, keep your distance from them.
They turned into a pack of wolves.
They are the type of characters that have no problem playing victim, while they shred someone’s reputation.
You’re all assholes.
Friend’s parents shouldn’t have acted that way and if they agreed to pick the kid up at a certain time, they should have.
Your kid needs to learn that not everybody is like them and that different people express themselves differently. And if your kid’s friend eats over he should learn to just deal with it. WTF does he do in school? What’s he going to do when he’s out in the real word and you get boisterous other people? I just don’t get how so many people these days seem like they can’t function with others around.
EDIT: And what’s with the “autistic” bit? Just b/c a kid is reserved and doesn’t like noise doesn’t mean they’re autistic or not. And FFS, tired of hearing how everybody is autistic or ADHD or whatever. Some people are, some people are not and just have different personalities.
You’re not the AH in this scenario, but goddamn you sound exhausting and wildly judgmental. Poor kids, good luck with the rest of your lives.
NTA. You are amazing parents. Some people just don’t give a shit about you or the rest of your family. She obviously felt entitled to leave her child there to be fed. That mother needed her time alone and screw you and your other children. But please tell anyone and everyone the actual story. They should be shamed.
NTA.
You communicated the time their daughter was to be picked up.
They were the ones who dropped the ball and seemed like they wanted some child free time.
NTA, butttt maybe let the kid having the play date eat with their friend(s) separate? Either in a separate room or at a slightly earlier time.
Already NTA for siding with your son. You handled it well.
Even more NTA now that the parents are making a huge deal about it and lying about coming to pick her up.
This AI-ed so hard it took my job!
YTA
My petty ass would have said ” oh are you having difficulty feeding your child?” pulled $10 out and handed it to them as i turned and walked out.
Just try to avoid play dates with kids you don’t want your children to eat with. This will avoid embarrassing and awkward situations like this.
Who cares what other thinks. you asked politely and she was completely disrespectful of your request. I wouldn’t ask her child to come anymore. She disrespected boundaries and she doesn’t deserve any more of your time or play dates. She did it because she wanted a break and disregarded your request who cares what other people think let them deal with it then. I really hate when people run into others because they’re so immature because they can’t handle the fact that somebody said no.
Nta
Op, just laugh at the naysayers. Tell them you didn’t realize that your families time and preferences were up for public debate. Follow up with, gee I usually don’t make judgments on the preferences of other families. But if that’s what we’re doing, I’ll give it dome thought.
ESH.
The kid’s mom for obvious reasons. Who does that.
I get what you were doing to respect your son, but it’s your daughter’s best friend who is also a child. Having an outright ban on this girl at dinner didn’t have to be what you jumped to. Why couldn’t you lessen it, or choose a time that’s far away enough from dinner it wouldn’t be an issue? Why can’t your daughter and her guest eat in the living room and make it seem fun? Why can’t your son find things to do at someone else’s house when his sister’s BFF is over. WHY DID YOU TELL THE OTHER PARENTS AT ALL the reason??!!!! “Yes, we have plans for dinner. Should I drop her off instead if that’s easier for you?”. Now you’ve put her in a scenario where she thinks her child is being disrespected (not condoning her chosen actions at all). There’s so many other ways you could have handled this entire thing, but especially this one night.
You could have said to your son “sorry kiddo, I know. I heard you, but for tonight she’s here and I can’t just not feed her. Next time she’s here I’ll drop her off earlier.”
You don’t say how often this kid is over either. Your son should be comfortable in his home, but what are we talking about about, once in every month or 2, or every weekend? Do all kids get to veto their siblings friends?
Agree with the other poster who said the takeaway for this girl is that she’s good enough to come over and eat, but not good enough to attend dinner. That’s shitty. Your daughter will likely lose a friend over the way you treated this child. Hope you can make it up to her, but realistically you probably can’t.
NTA, but you should also not allow any of your other kids’s friends to stay for dinner, so your daughter doesn’t feel like she’s being singled out to not have friends stay.
this would be the rare occasion where I would air dirty laundry on FB or in a group chat
You need to just tell everyone what happened: you told the mom what was happening AND she agreed. Then, when it was time to do what she agreed to, she LIED about it. Maybe the child is subject to a poor upbringing if the mother is any indication. You’re definitely NTA, but the mom and anyone who supports what she did is/are massive AHs.
These people were clearly using you to feed their child so they don’t have to. And they straight up lied more than once. They attacked you for your “poor family values” but are teaching their kid it’s okay to lie and take advantage or others. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
NTA at all but these people sure are.
I guess i feel like if your daughter has a friend that is always over, she should be able to eat at your house, either in a different room with your daughter or not coming over that often because it bothers your son. but to me, having someone in my home means they get to eat (as it sounds like it normally is to you). Additionally, I think you could have asked the mom if you could speak to the friend and just explain the situation kindly and let her know that you usually like to have a calmer situation at dinner, and give her some guidelines about letting other talk, speaking in a calm tone, etc. not in a way that was punishing or judgmental but just explaining that for your family dinner is about winding down and connecting, and you want her to be part of that. i can honestly see how in other cultures kicking someone out before dinner is a major AH move. and if I was the kid i would feel confused. YTA
Nta but I would make your son tolerate this girl from time to time. He is growing up and he wont always be able to exclude people like that. Also do they have your daughter over for dinner? If so I might flip to Yta.
Your son’s request was neither excessive nor negotiable – it was entirely reasonable and rooted in his right to feel secure in his own home. At his age, parental commitments are not casual; they form the foundation of his trust in you and in his environment. To deny him that would have been to elevate another person’s child above your own and to erode the very sense of safety he depends on. Any parent who would argue otherwise exposes their own failure to prioritize their children, and their opinion carries no weight here. Your first and only duty is to your children – end of discussion. NTA.
The other mom is definitely the asshole here for not picking her kid up and then arguing about it but also you need to work something out that is fair to all of your kids. Maybe if your son is not up for company your daughter and her friend can eat separately (and pitch it as a private party) or he can eat in the kitchen beforehand or something similar. But there should be a compromise.
NTA. How incredibly rude of the kids mom to agree to pick her up and just not, then throw it back on you as if their child is entitled to eat dinner with your family.
NTA and maybe you guys had something important you needed to discuss with your children. Or between the adults. It’s frankly none of the mom’s business why you couldn’t keep her kid for supper, and it was clearly communicated well in advance. She just wanted more alone time and not to have to cook for her kid.
Why do you even have to give a reason for ending the playdate at a certain time? It’s no one’s business.
“We have a hard stop today at <time> and you need to pick up child no later than <time>.”
Any why questions (are you having a party or going out—seriously?!?) can be answered with
“We are having family time tonight. Will you pick up your child by <time> or shall we cancel the play date?”
ESH, the other mom obviously for not picking up their child when they agreed. You for your favoritism of your son.
NTA, but to prevent conflict or questions, I would have been less truthful about why the playdate needed to end at a certain time by stating that your family had additional plans (visiting grandparents, date night, etc) with the goal to prevent the perception that it was a “I don’t want to feed your kid” issue.
Even if that was the case, you are under no obligation to feed anyone else’s child, though it generally is the polite thing to do.
Worse case, I would have dropped the kid off with the most sugary, unhealthy food so the kid has a massive sugar rush that they’d need to deal with to encourage the parents to provide their own dinner in the future
I think you’ve gotten way too deep/complicated with this which caused it to back blow in your face.
The mom doesn’t want to watch her kid, and doesn’t want to make dinner. It’s cheaper and more convenient if you do it. That’s all.
But you went and turned it into a big giant schpele about respecting your son, and this girl is special and her behavior, and on and on and on, and people took offence.
You should have never, ever said a word about your son’s request and simply said “we’ve decided meal times are for family now, so guests have to go home by 6” and applied that to all children. But by trying to justify it so much, you came across as super judgey.
NTA but your daughter has lost a friend.
INFO: Do this girl’s parents provide food for your child(ren)?
NTA I think it’s way more important that your son feels comfortable in his own home and believes that you will take his discomfort seriously than anything else. I also think the other parents overreacted. If I’d been in their shoes, I would have definitely been confused about the sudden change, but I certainly wouldn’t have assumed and accused you of discrimination or being cheap. There’s a million and one scenarios that could have lead to your asking for that specific pick up time/no dinner guests, but I would have also known that I’m not owed an explanation.
ESH. That poor girl is going to have so many problems growing up because it feels like no one wants her around. IM autistic and IM very expressive and animated and struggle with inhibition. I just need to be reminded. As you said, the girl isnt rude and would probably try to comply if you said “hey could you speak a little quieter?” Or “hey that isn’t appropriate for the table, please talk about something else.”
And of course her mom is the bigger AH for pawning her child off onto another family to feed her.