Throwaway for obvious reasons. Recently, my (40’s F) parents (65 F, 73M) asked me to come over so they could go over their will with me. I’m an only child, and I knew they recently updated everything due to retiring, so I wasn’t surprised by this.
Everything was fine, we were going over lawyers, accountants, etc when they started springing numbers on me telling me about investments, land, accounts, etc. I knew they were well-off. They buy their cars with cash, don’t seem concerned about money, etc, but I had no idea how much they are worth.
The inheritance will be worth 10’s of millions of dollars! I was stunned. Like an amount of money I can’t even fathom.
I muddled my way through everything, asked some questions, made a lot of remarks about how I probably wasn’t going to need to utilize this information for a couple of decades, etc, but inside my mind was spiraling.
In the drive home, anger and resentment started to build. Their income off of their wealth (just interest on the money) is hundreds of thousands of dollars. Multiple times that of my husband and I’s yearly income.
My husband and I are struggling financially. We always have been. We’ve had 4 kids. 2 are now grown. We still have student loans, groceries are killing us. Medical and dental care is often unaffordable. 2 kids have moved out, but we still struggle every day to make ends meet and have lived paycheck to paycheck my entire adulthood. We’ve never even been able to afford a family vacation. My youngest is now 16, oldest 26. I’ll just never get the chance to do for them what I wish I could have.
Idk. When I thought they were just normal wealthy, I wasn’t angry. I don’t begrudge them a good life or taking care of themselves. I didn’t expect them to take from themselves to give to me, but all these years of watching our immense struggles and knowing they could have fixed every one of them and not even felt it financially, it hurts.
I look back at everything now with a whole different perspective, like it’s insane to me that I’ve gotten a crisp 100 dollar bill for Christmas and my birthday for the last 20 years and felt so damn grateful for it when it literally was way less to them financially than a dollar is to me. I’m struggling to make sense of this new reality.
AITA? I feel like an asshole for being hurt and angry. I feel weird around them now. Help me gain some perspective here.
Comments
Important question, have you ever asked them for help during any of your struggles?
Cuz if not, then YTA.
OP, you just described my exact situation (right down to the 4 kids and an adulthood of struggle with 2 insanely wealthy parents). If you ever wanna talk privately, feel free to message me. I don’t have answers, but I’ll be happy to rant with you 😉
I’m sorry. If I were in the position of your parents, I would help my kids. I would certainly pay off the student loans and that sort of thing. Be far more generous on holidays. I don’t even know what to tell you. Are you guys close? Do they know of your struggles? Maybe they disapprove of something and keep their purse strings tight. Are they generous with anyone (grandkids, charities)?
NTA.
Resentment will only hurt you and your family in the long run. If you have a good relationship–however you’d define that–with your parents, and you need financial assistance now, I don’t think it’s entitled to ask if they can help you. Whatever their answer, think about how you might be different in the future when it comes to taking care of your family. I can’t imagine sitting on wealth while my loved ones suffer. Not always a popular position lol
Probably going to get downvoted for saying this but yes, YTA.
Just because someone else has loads of money at their disposal doesn’t entitle you to a penny of it. Even if you are their daughter. You say you knew they were ‘normal wealthy’ (yeah, what exactly IS ‘normal wealthy’?) and didn’t expect them to take from themselves to give to you.
What changed? Oh, now that you know they have WAY more than you thought they did, now they OWE you something? No. Doesn’t matter if they’re 10% better off than you and your husband or 10,000% better off – once you left the nest, their responsibility for you was done. Were you deprived as a child? If not, then you have no basis for your hurt feelings and anger other than base greed.
OP,
My parents are self-made and extremely well-off.
I have never, ever expected a dime from them. Nor have they given me anything knowing I’ve gone through times where I’ve really struggled. Even during a contentious divorce.
I don’t fault them at all. Their money is their money. I know two things: that they love me immensely, and that they’re very wise and smart with money.
They have chosen to not help me. I trust that their reasons are reasonable and that they believe they are doing is what’s best for everybody.
Perhaps your parents haven’t helped you guys because it wouldn’t actually fix anything. You haven’t stated why you’re in this financial distress. Not to victim-shame here, but are you guys not living to your full earning potential? Are you not being wise with money management? Can you cut a lot out to save a buck or two?
Parents are not meant to dig you out of a hole. Sometimes they have to do the hard thing to teach you how to help yourself.
Their money is theirs, and they get to decide how they use it. Period.
YTA.
That would be a hard pill to swallow. I would instigate a conversation with them about this. Tell them everything. Usually, parents hate to see their kids struggling & if they were fully aware of your circumstances, they may spring in to help.
Yes, you’ve lost those opportunities with your children. There’s nothing you can do about that: let it go.
You should also be prepared for “the speech”. They may decide that they are “teaching you to stand on your own two feet”, “showing you the value of hard work” (blah, blah, blah) & ultimately decline to assist. Prepare yourself to be disappointed.
However, if you don’t ask, you don’t get.
YTA-it wasn’t and isn’t your parents responsibility to help you out financially. It isn’t their fault that you made choices that have meant that you have always lived pay cheque to pay cheque. It isn’t their responsibility to ensure you can go on vacation or provide things for your kids.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for feeling this way. Parents aren’t obligated to help their kids, but I would and do help my family so that colors my opinion of people who don’t. Your kid living paycheck to paycheck and unable to vacation with your grandkids, ever? What are you doing with your money? What’s it for?
Sounds like you are currently a”98 percent-er” and will become wealthy later.
Look at those who are handed things, they get used to it. Good on your parents for allowing you to find your way in the world. And nice that they will pass on their well earned hard work to you one day. If you feel they love you, then it was probably out of love that they allowed you to figure it out yourself, instead of bailing you out. Do the same for your kids. 🤠
Not sure if YTA – you’re pissed hey your feeling are your feelings. If you take it out on your parents then it for sue become a YTA.
My wife and I have 2 kids. We’re not well off but our kids would get some money and the house should we both untimely meeting our maker. One thing we did intentionally in the trust for them was to specify at what age and for what reason they can remove money.
Reason is simple in that we wanted to instill the skills of balancing a budget, making tough decisions at times etc.
NTA but for the love of all that’s good, please don’t let your anger fuck this up. You can buy therapy later. I don’t often recommend to other adults to hide their true feelings from family, this is one time I will.
If it helps, I don’t think your parents acted out of malice. Rich people are often clueless about the reality the rest of us struggle with.
YTA You have no idea when the amount they have accumulated to what you consider a very large amount occurred. They have done well with investments but they also took risks with their money to get where they are. !0 years ago they might have had a much smaller amount for you to eventually inherit.
Wow, there are a lot of people simping for rich people here.
You’re absolutely NTA. Controversial opinion, but I think parents owe their kids a LOT. When you force someone into existence because you want kids, then you better damn make sure you give them the best life you can.
If you’re poor, then obviously, you can’t give a lot. But if you’re filthy rich and let your kids and grandkids STRUGGLE for decades, then YTA.
And you’re absolutely NTA for being upset in my opinion.
Rich people are too damn comfortable seeing other people struggle imo. And when it’s your own kids it extra mean.
YTA. I have the same situation, semi wealthy parents, only child. You clearly grew up more privileged than most average Americans. I mean you still get Christmas and birthday money from your parents at your age!
Kids are expensive and you decided to have 4 while living paycheck to paycheck. You cannot expect your parents to pull you out of every bad financial decision you make. Honestly I’ve always told my parents they should spend every single dime they make (what else are they gonna do, die with it?). The entitlement to think you are owed their money and then be upset they didn’t give it to you sooner for your own poor choices ….
Hard Yta. They dont owe you anything as your parents and are not obligated to help take care of a 6-person family financially. That is their money.
Your struggles are your own. You made your choices and have struggled, but it does seem that you and your husband come out on top. this is your parents’ money, not yours, and you are not entitled to just be given money when going through hardship.
However, they are going to make sure you are taken care of fully when they are gone.
Edited from soft yta to hard yta as she states shes never asked them for any help except for when they were first married.
Have you ever shared that information with them? Maybe they didn’t know you needed some help.
NTA because how you feel is how you feel. But you need to understand that the worst thing a wealthy parent can do is just give it to kids who never earned a crust. Look at all the celebrities who inherited wealth instead of earning it, do most of them seem either healthy or happy to you? They never had to earn a penny, yet are always one more disaster away from something like divorce, a DUI, or some other scandal. Life is supposed to be a challenge, but they never learned to face it.
What you do need is a plan for how to handle the wealth once it comes to you. Look at how many lottery-winners end up broke. This is not coincidence, it’s a fact of life that sudden unearned wealth will often destroy a person’s life.
Info: why are you feeling hurt and angry? It’s as if these feelings are rooted in you thinking you’re entitled to much more because they have much more than you realized? Have they offered you financial advise that you have/haven’t followed or financial support with contingencies you didn’t find acceptable? Are they generous with things other than their money – like time with you and your children ?
Be happy with your potential future finances. I am not sure the reasons why they have not helped financially previously but some of your position in life is in part, personal decisions. right? They may assume you are making decisions that allow the life with which you are comfortable. They had 1 child (by design or not, I don’t know). You had 4 which likely impacted your family’s past, present, future finances.
nta but why on earth did you keep having kids if you’ve been paycheck to paycheck your entire life
YTA. You’re an adult, and adults take care of themselves. Did you expect them to take over monthly bills or just give a lump sum. If they give you a lump sum, how much do you think you DESERVE of THEIR money? How long til it runs out?
If they didn’t provide for you when you were under their care, thats different. But parents AREN’T required to support the lifestyle of their grown children…
Could they, maybe. But you’re not ENTITLED to THEIR money, and they dont even have to LEAVE IT to YOU!
Be grateful they don’t want to donate it away after their death like Bill Gates.
Plus, how much of it is actually liquid, and they have access to use it?
First of all, congratulation on living the dream of having parents who faked being poor all this time but in reality they are multi-millionaires. The only thing left out was the fact that they are related to Royalty.
Joke aside, You’re NTA. First of all, it’s just feeling. Asshole is determined by action. Unless you actively planning on getting that inheritance very soon, you are not AH.
If you have a sibling and they spoil them instead of you, the answer will be even more obviousl.
I disagree with the person who said you have no right to your parents money. This is family, and this whole “it’s my house” “this is my rights” “18 is the deadline I have to be legally responsible for you” this is very American way of thinking. I’m 41 and I have lived all over the world, the rest of the world is not like this. You never asked to be born, and in other culture, taking care of parents when they are older is also automatic.
At both end of American culture: both cutting off kids at 18 and not taking care of parents because “it’s not the reason why you had kids in the first place”, seem to design to make middle age still-healthy people to think they will stay middle age and healthy FOREVER and have to care for one but themselves. (spoiler alert: everybody grows old and die someday)
But in the end, you can’t force other people to spend money on you. You can’t even force people to love you. You only get to work with with what you have.
I think you mean you’ll become a 2%’er. Not a 98%’er
You may need to change the title, because you probably meant that you’ll be a 2%-er. 98%-er are very poor people.
Similar situation but I think it’s actually nice that they didn’t let me take advantage of their wealth. I still live modestly and when I do splurge I feel happiness and accomplishment that I’m able to do this for me, and yes, I’ve become independently well-off (my parents also didn’t pay a dime towards my education either, although tbh I’ve always been on full scholarship). At the same time I didn’t become one of those people being obsessed with luxury designer items, thank god lol.
You’re the AH they did this, so do it for yourself
You are petty and pathetic
They built that wealth by living within their means and probably struggled when they were younger as well. Resenting your parents for only giving you $100 every year for christmas comes off as extremely entitled. Did you ever have to wonder where your next meal would come from? Did you have access to education, extra curriculars, etc? Did you get to go to movies, birthdays, some vacations? They probably provided a lot for you, and now you will inherit their wealth one day. That is much more than so so many people in this world. What is there to resent?
NTA – you didn’t do anything to be the asshole. You’re irritated they’ve watched you struggle without offering the help. You’re entitled to feel any way you want to and I would probably feel the same way. Even angry if you had asked for help and it was declined. However, it also sounds like a lot of it isn’t liquid which can result in penalties if cashed out. They clearly saved well and were lucky in the stock market. Clearly liver under their means to gain this wealth or you would have noticed. Wealth that it sounds like you’ll inherit. So just shhh for now.
YTA, they don’t owe you their life savings. Money makes people change… look at how it is already affecting you. Don’t let it fester. Move on and go back to how things were.
NTA. You feel how you feel, and that’s fine. However, that is THEIR money that THEY earned and THEY get to decide what to do with it. Just like you and your husband decide what to do with yours. If you are an only child, then your parents did not have to feed and clothe and educate an extra 3 like you chose to do. How much further ahead do you think you’d be if you’d only had one child? They put their money into long-term investments, and it’s now going to take care of them in their later years then come to you as the remainder. You at least won’t have to worry about how to afford their care as they age! Yes, you struggled. You were made to feel guilty when you asked for help. If they came from a poor background, they were bringing you up to be self-reliant like they had to be — and honestly, at that point in time (20+ years ago?) they probably were not in the same financial position so helping you was also a bit of an imposition to them.
Deal with your feelings as you will, but don’t let it consume you. And don’t take it out on them! You say you thought they were just “normal wealthy”… well, they still are the same wealthy as they were before but now you have more details. Let things settle then talk to them about maybe doing a “pre-inheritance” to do something like pay off your mortgage just to give you some breathing room. Don’t go crazy with it, just ask if that’s something they could see doing for you.
Try to find some peace; the situation is the same, you just now have numbers in your head. I know you can’t put that horse back in the barn, but you’ll have to learn to ride it now without it bucking you off and stomping on you.
YTA. It is THEIR money that THEY earned. You need to stop acting entitled. If I were your parents I would leave it all to charity they way you are behaving.
My firm had a client that went through this. After his dad died he inherited a few million dollars….after struggling to afford life for his family for decades. He went through a period of strong anger and resentment that his parents had left him to struggle with paying mortgages, tuition, groceries, etc. when they had the means during all that time to send him a few dollars. Decades.
He eventually got past it. Not to say he wasn’t upset, but he moved on and learned that with the money he wants to actually help his kids. Pays for tuition. Generous with gifts on birthdays and anniversaries.
The thing is, we need to remember that for people that actually earn that money (hard work, etc) they see it as something precious and are afraid to give it away. I’m not talking billionaires. I’m referring to someone who over a few decades builds up wealth of say $5-50M. To them it’s lots of hard work and they fear that giving it away so easily will create children and grandchildren that don’t work hard. And to be frank, I have clients that have been given hundreds of thousands of dollars during grandpa’s lifetime and do have trouble with hard work and perseverance. Or even if they work hard, they have trouble when things don’t go there way.
All that’s to say, work through this and realize you don’t want to be like your parents. But at the same time, you may want to think long and hard about how YOU want your legacy to live on with that wealth, and how it can affect not just you and your spouse, but your kids and grandkids as well. Tread carefully. Also, get a decent tax lawyer and CPA/EA so that you can make the right moves going forward.
There is nothing to be mad about. Their money belongs to them, not to you. You are not entitled to any of it. That shouldn’t be hard to understand or controversial.
I’m not trying to hurt your feelings but what I’m saying is the truth.
Now separately, have you ever been in a financial hardship enough where you felt you needed to ask them for assistance and they didn’t help out?
IF they refused to help out when you asked for it, that would be different. I’m not saying you’re entitled to that help either but as a parent I know that I would never refuse help if my child asked for it.
In this case, it seems YTA.
Boomers gonna boom. At least they’re leaving it all to you when they go. Some don’t care if their kids/grandkids starve or end up homeless, so long as they have comfort.
Just be grateful it is coming and when you finally get it, use it to help you kids be it buy a house or help the way you wanted to be helped.
YTA. You’re not entitled to their money. Did you ever ask them for help? I see in another comment that they know your struggles but that means nothing if you don’t ask.
I think it’s time to step back and realize it’s not their job to look after you and yours. (Thats not how i think) They may want you to struggle knowing one day that you get all they have. Maybe they think you will appreciate it more if you don’t have access to it till later.
Or for that matter just sit down and have a polite talk without the entitlement factor
Do your parents know about your hardships? It would be nice to sit down and talk to them about how you hope they will live long and healthy life, but with resources like they have, wouldn’t it be nice if they saw your family thriving while they were still alive.
Parents can gift up to $15,000 a year each to each of their children and grandchildren, including son-in-laws and daughter-in-laws – tax free for both parties.
If both of your parents live until they are close to 100, they will miss the opportunity to see how much happiness they could provide to you by distributing some of their wealth now.
I have three children and not nearly as much wealth as your parents. What I have will hopefully be just enough to get me through until I die. If I had your parents kind of wealth, I would be spreading it around because I would have more than enough to make sure that I stayed healthy and cared for.
You could instead look at that your parents are extremely stable and should either require long term care you have that essentially OFF YOUR PLATE. That is a HUGE burden that you can address with them if it wasn’t covered in this discussion. As much as you may love them, having an aging parent live with you is so hard. Do they have their medical POA set up? If one of them dies where will the other live? What kind of facility do they want if they can’t live on their own?
Get your self in line and remember you have no right to someone else’s wealth. My family may inherit a great deal, but we talk as if those relatives will spend every last dime. Please don’t let this cause a rift.
And then, look forward to the financial help you may be able to grant your children. Have a lot of conversations with your spouse. What would that financial help look like? How would each child handle it? What are your worries and how can you plan for them? This is a huge gift to know this well in advance so that you can properly prepare. Can you imagine learning this all after their death?
This situation reminds me of the saying “are you rich because you are a miser, or you are a miser because you are rich”
Yes YTA because you are not entitled to their money now or future and what, how and when they part with their money is their choice.
Do they know you struggle struggle? Do you communicate? If they know 100% then it sucks but you cannot expect them to help. If they never knew then I don’t even know why you are upset.
Keep in mind that sheltering kids from all financial consequences is how you raise entitled brats. it sounds like your parents did a fantastic job in raising you to be responsible. May be you neglected to tell them about your financial state in terms that indicated you were struggling? or they neglected to dig deep enough to understand where they can help? Don’t begrudge them the fruits of their success, but also don’t assume they were fully aware of the extent to which you needed help. It sounds like there isn’t a lot of open communication about money until now.
YTA. You are not entitled to your parent’s money. That’s money they earned and if they choose to not to share it with you then that’s their choice. You should be financially literate enough at this point to be financially independent unless there are drastic health issues or emergenies.
Opening position, so you know where I stand: I don’t generally believe in inheritance. I think everything over a couple million should be taken by the state and redistributed to the poor.
I do believe in families helping each other. I also believe you have to be very careful about not allowing help to become crippling enablement. A previous commenter gave you great advice there.
OP, maybe ask your folks for a hand with something specific, that somehow helps your kids. Frame it as a chance to use some of your inheritance for good while your parents are alive to enjoy the results.
I get it it’s not about the money. It’s about someone you trust letting you fall when they had the power to prevent it or at least cushion the landing. Money just happened to be that needed cushion. It like being thirsty and suddenly finding out your traveling companion had a canteen of water all along. NTA for your feelings.
Far less wealth on my end, but for the last few years I’ve been dealing with some stuff in my own family that should have been handled a decade ago and would have changed my life and I know exactly how you feel. NTA, but like the top post I saw said, there’s no point in airing this out, just grit your teeth and get on with things and when it comes, it comes.
NTA.
They’re Boomers and well there’s a reason the memes and jokes exist. They generally do not think outside of their own lived experiences.
But yeah, don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Use the money they leave you for GOOD. Help your kids the way they never helped you.
ow, you have EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY.
But You Don’t Have to BE them. Let them give you this money and then make sure you set your kids up for success.
YTA.
You are not entitled to your parents money. You’re lucky they are even going to pass it on to you.
Ita not their fault you failed and are struggling. Why should they have to subsidize your life style and choices?
Unless your parents forced you to have four children before having good and stable careers and owning a home etc. than any struggles are entirely your choice. You sound incredibly entitled. YTA.
You’re just selfish and entitled. It’s your life and your own self created problems to solve. If they gave you money every time you guys couldn’t get it done, you’d be hitting them up 24/7 for handouts. You’re what’s known as a waiter now. Waiting for your parents to die to swoop in on their life’s work and savvy estate planning.
Your parents chose the direction of their lives.
You also chose the direction of your life.. I mean, even just the topic of Four kids is never the answer to “how do we lead a comfortable life”
Being angry at your parents for planing and being frugal early in their lives, presumably working hard so that they can enjoy their retirement is flat out wrong.
You are in your 40s..your retirement is secured but only thanks to your parents.
Take responsibility for your own life, being angry that at 40 you don’t get handouts is pathetic
Your parents decided on one kid. You decided on having 4. 3 extra kids cost quite a bit of money.
Sounds like a personal choice
My folks were the same way, they lived in the original 900 square foot home. They did send us $500 or $1k gifts for our birthdays and Christmas. My dad never got the shingles replaced on his home, because the contractor wanted to use a better shingle. They were worth $3M, we, their kids, never knew they had that much. We were all shocked and grateful for their inheritance. We were able to retire, where before, we were paycheck to paycheck and then some.
NAH
Did you ask your parents for help? Not for things like a vacation but you took out student loans did you ask your parents to help you pay for school? Or when you had an emergency medical expense for your children did you ask them?
The way I look at it is adult Children are not entitled to their parents assets. If your parents wanna help you, that’s wonderful. I think if parents have the ability to help their kids get a leg up on life and not end up trapped in a system that involves predatory student loans and crippling medical debt then that’s something they should do, but they’re not required to do so . Especially if you don’t ask. Now if you ask them for help and they had a pick yourself up by your boot-strap mentality then I could understand feeling a little resentful, but if you were just muddling along and you and your husband are struggling due to the choices you made; I don’t see why you are angry that your parents had assets that they didn’t hand to you.
But you are entitled to your feelings. my only suggestion would be to learn to deal with those feelings in private so you don’t mess around and lose out on this windfall that you’ll be blessed with someday and will be able to set up accounts for your children and grandchildren and do things differently.
NTA it is rather short sighted of them not to pay for your college or offer to pay for their grandchildren’s college. I would have been tempted to ask if they wanted to be buried with it since they were so stingy during their lifetime.
Definitely see your point! It is much better to give with a warm hand than a cold one.
There are some things that your parents could do now to transfer some of the wealth to make life easier for you and your family now as well as reducing inheritance taxes on the estate later. Otherwise, if their estate is worth tens of millions, you may be looking at significant estate taxes which could be avoided with proper planning. For example they could gift $19,000 per person annually and not be taxed on it. Might be worth speaking with an estate planner or lawyer.
After speaking with a professional, maybe bring the gift tax exclusion possibility or other wealth transfer techniques up to them. But do it in a nice way that doesn’t get you and your family disinherited.
Is it your parents fault you’re in such a bad financial situation? Not really. You put yourself there. Having children when you weren’t financially responsible to do so. This is on you.
Have you ever asked for help of any kind and been rejected? If not, my opinion is that you are on shaky ground with your anger.
I know a number of people whose parents handed them everything on a plate and it did not serve them well. Likewise I know people who have been offered help when they are struggling and have taken great offence. It’s not an easy balance to strike for your parents and perhaps they could have done more.
Have you ever spoken to them about how difficult things have been for you or have always presented the illusion of coping? For all we know from your parents perspective they see two people getting by off their own graft.
The other perspective of course is that you have no do one right to any of that cash. It’s entirely within their prerogative to give it all to a cat’s home.
What’s stopping you from helping your children now? Help them through college, pay off student loans for them, help them with down payments on houses. You’re acting like this is a burden, this could be your family’s biggest blessing.
At least your parents are leaving your something?
What a shock and what a roller coaster of emotions you must be having.
Once you have whatever time you need to process and cool down, hopefully you can talk to your folks and ask them why they make the choices they do about not helping you financially. But you need to be able to hear their answer without judgement or resentment, and that’s not easy.
It seems unlikely your parents would want to just pay off your student loans or whatever at this point, but maybe you could have conversations about how they could teach you what they’ve learned about investing, business, real estate, whatever. If you’re asking them to help you improve your station by sharing their knowledge and experience so you can help yourselves, that’s a different conversation than just asking for money, no matter how justifiable the needs.
If you can be honest about your feelings without blaming them for their choices, then you may be surprised what can come of it.
Wow, I know a co-worker that has money (well not their money here) but he had invested well and he gave his adult children a lump sum amount of money, just because you can’t take it all with you and why wait for him to die to get it. So, yes it’s is their money, no argument here, but when I compare what my co-worker with these people it’s like wow, just wow.
NTA, for feeling the way you feel about it.
All you have to do is ask for some of it now nicely and say you really need it now instead of later. I’m sure they will help you out. Let your pride and ego and attitude sit down and stand up for your family, be nice and you will get it.
If you’ve been able to raise 4 kids I think you’ve done pretty well in life. Don’t let your anger spoil that. I can see why you’d feel some anger though. Just remember what’s coming your way.
If you let your anger out now it will cone to bite you in your butt.
NTAH for being angry. But you totally would be TAH if you let them see it.
I feel you. This could be my parents. Literally except I have known of their money. When I lost my job they literally stopped calling or asking if I was okay because I am sure they were afraid I would ask for money (which I would rather be homeless). I literally was contemplating unaliving myself at one point and when they were told they acted like I said I was changing my hair color.
It was then I realized there was nothing wrong with me – it is them and that my relationship with my kids is healthy and loving and all they have are things. I have virtually zero relationship with mine and I talk to them one a month or so and are polite. They are just hoarders, they prefer to have all these things yet in the end that’s all they have.
I am sorry you had to learn this but know this, this is their issue not yours
WTF if they are that wealthy did you have to take out student loans? If they refused to pay for your education when they were able to easily, I would say they suck. Maybe they were not wealthy at that time but if they were, not ok.
As far as your inheritance, accept it gracefully and be thankful. Please get legal advice and financial advice at that time before you make any decisions. Anything you inherit does NOT become a marital asset and you should keep it separate from your husband. If you co-mingle the funds with your husband (say in a joint account), you lose that protection. You can certainly spend it for family things but he should not have access to it – keep it separate in your name only. You may feel like you will never get divorced but it happens – I know this personally after more than 40 years married. If you split up, he is not entitled to it.
There’s a reason they are wealthy. It could be dumb luck (lottery win etc) or more likely they were incredibly careful to always live BELOW their means, save and invest rather than spend, have 1 kid instead of 4, etc, etc.
You are the AH as they have absolutely no obligation to help you – and besides “easy come easy go” is definitely a thing – do you really think your own financial acumen would have been improved by being bailed out by your parents!? Get real and try and learn from them rather than feeling slighted by them!
That is normal wealthy. Your mom could be spending down that money for another 30 years.
Did you ever ask for help? Sharing your struggles isn’t the same as asking for help.
I’m in a similar situation, I’ve been struggling with my mental and physical health my entire life, my dad is stupid wealthy but has been a total dick about helping me out. I *know* he can do more, he just won’t. Its not about me being entitled, I’m grateful for what hes done but if I were in this situation with a child I would try my hardest to make their life better. Not my dad tho. Its frustrating. Like the other commenter says, don’t F this up, keep your head down and try not to think about it.
ETA: After reading the comments, I also think your parents are assholes for keeping you in the dark and just dumping this on you w/o any warning. People who have wealth and are reasonable about it don’t do this crap, they give their kids trusts and educate them about money and let them have access to wealth when they’re young so they can have a decent life. As someone who has been struggling for over a decade now, being poor is not *instructive*, its destructive.
NTA. Just don’t let them catch on to your anger because if they let you struggle for this long, there is a high chance that they will write you off the will for being ungrateful.
Your entitled to how you feel but your parents sound like pretty smart people. Struggles in life shape you for the better. Financial struggles help you appreicate money more.
If your story was you were homeless and lost custody of your kids and they didnt help you thats one thing but that doesnt sound like it was the case.
While im sure you feel that there are things you could have bought or given your kids when they were younger in the end its never money or things kids really want.
What you can be appreciative of is the fact that your retirement has been provided for. Probably dont need to max out that 401K at work. So recognize the gift your parents will be giving you when they pass and appreicate what they tried to do for you and the lessons they taught you when they were alive.
Good luck
I don’t blame you for being upset they aren’t smart enough to see that you need the help they could easily give you now, instead of one day. It’s completely clueless of them to not realize how much they could positively impact your life with zero effect on their own. Definitely don’t say anything to them about it now though that could cause them to change the will and leave it to charity or something because they think you’re ungrateful. Knowing what you know, you can at least worry less about student loans and other debt, knowing it eventually won’t be an issue and you can also help your own children while you’re still living instead of waiting until you die.
NTA. Buuuuutttt, i believe you are looking at this all wrong. Yes, you and your husband have been struggling. But you two are making it. Probably barely, but you’re making it. Your kids are okay and you have a roof over your head and food in your bellies. Now, could your parents have helped? Sure. But sometimes as a parent (and I am saying this as someone who got a lot of help from family over the years) you have to let your kids fall to see how they get back up. When you leave this world you wanna know your kids will be able to face this world without you. Are they strong enough? Smart enough? Resourceful enough? And because you are, when your parents pass, you and your family will be rewarded for your hard work and faith in yourself. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch, but know there is gonna be a time where money won’t be a problem anymore. They’re not leaving you their money becuase you’re their daughter. They could give it away to a charity if they want. They’re leaving it to you because you are WORTHY of it.
>The inheritance will be worth 10’s of millions of dollars! I was stunned. Like an amount of money I can’t even fathom.
Other issues aside, that’s pretty par for the course for a pair of people that spent most of their lives during the greatest market growth in human history. If anything, I’m surprised when boomers are broke. One basically just needed to have a pulse.
We don’t have your parents’ kind of money but we’re doing alright. I recently had this discussion with them, offering them a choice. I could leave my retirement alone to accumulate growth until we pass. It would probably be close to 8 figures at that point, or I could split the growth between them and us (perhaps even paying for family vacations, big gifts, or cash)
The wife and I will receive pensions that’ll cover our retirement. The kids decided they’d have the help now while they’re younger and struggling than to wait to receive money when they’re in their 70s. Have you discussed this with them?
They probably can’t process the amount of money they have either. And, while it may look like a fortune to you, you don’t know what the future will play for them. They may live well into their 90s. They may have dementia or need memory care. In the end, if you get money it is fortunate but nothing that was owed to you.
NTA, but you need to change your perspective. I understand feeling hurt, and you have reason to feel that way. But letting your kids grow through struggle is usually the best path for people. It sucks, it hurts, but in the end, you became a better person than someone who had everything handed to them, or someone who ran to mommy and daddy at the slightest sign of a problem or struggle or hardship.
You’re valid for feeling that upset, but dont let it overtake you. Your parents had a way they wanted to raise you, slit sounds like the tough love type of way. Now when they pass, you’ll have all the experience, wisdom and knowledge that you had ingrained in you from the struggles and hardships you went through. They probably feel like you aren’t going to blow and waste all their hard earned money and will be able to properly handle it. Many people get wealth from their family and blow it and are right back where they started but without the support of their parents.
NTA, but with luck you can inherit a buttload of cash and do better for your children from that point onward.
Would you have liked monetary help throughout your life or to have 10 million dollars when your parents pass? I realize life isn’t that black and white, and they never gave you the choice, but I would actually rather just not have to worry about retirement. They took the money they might have given you then and invested it. It might make you feel better to think of it this way. NTA, you’re having normal feelings to an abnormal situation
I’m calling BS!