I (43f) decided to go back to school full time for my Master’s degree while working full time. I informed my husband (48m) that it’s going to be an adjustment but to work with me as I haven’t been to school in nearly two decades. Studying has consumed a lot of my free time. Online classes are daunting and I’m figuring out my study habits as an older adult learner. One of the things that I try to do more is cook larger meals so that we’ll have leftovers every other night.
My work day ends at 7pm and his work day ends at 2pm. He has a small business that he works on after he gets home at 2pm. It can be grueling for us both and the last thing we want to do is cook every single night after 12+ hour work days. I told my husband of my plan to make larger meals that would give us leftovers and he was all for it.
The problem is, when he gets home from his primary job and starts working his side job he gets hungry. Instead of grabbing a snack, he will pick at the left overs. By the time I get home from work, there’s barley anything left or enough only for one person. I have asked him repeatedly to stop eating the leftovers. Then when I go to eat whatever he left thinking he’s had his fill he asks “what about me”. I’m shocked because he’s already eaten. When I remind him that I had no intention of cooking and he ate the leftovers that were specifically for dinner he acts all hurt and sad like he hadn’t eaten in days. So, instead of studying, I feel guilty and waste time trying throw something together. By the time I’m finished cooking and cleaning up, its 9:30-10pm or later. Way too late to squeeze in studying or much else.
We’ve had this conversation a million times. I’m at the point where nothing works. I make more and more each time hoping its enough but he just eats more and more. Sometimes I’m home and its like he’s eating it in secret. I buy extra snacks and alternative options when I do the grocery shopping. He eats those things AND the leftovers. I even eat less because we still eat late some nights and its too much before bed. I plan to eat it the following night or even bring it to work. But it never makes that far. I’m at my wits end. I’d rather study for a few hours and eat a granola bar. This week, I did just that and now my husband is making a salad in between deep sighs acting all hurt.
So AITAH because I stopped cooking dinner for my husband?
Comments
Your husband is being incredibly inconsiderate. He’s sabotaging your studies and showing a lack of respect for your time and efforts. His “hurt” act is manipulative
your 48 year old husband cant make a sand which for lunch and wait until dinner? Obviously if he the food for dinner there would be no dinner and hed need to plan for that. I dont understand how some people function.
This seems like a problem solved with logistics and common sense, not reddit.
NTA. Ur not his mom. He knows those were planned meals n still eats em all. If he won’t respect that, then he can cook for himself. Ur focus needs to be school n rest, not babysitting a grown man’s appetite
Let him sigh.
Get some earplugs of headphones to drown out his nonsense.
You may need to remind him he is an adult and capable of taking care of one whole meal for himself.
Why isn’t he cooking? You’ve tried. You’ve cooked multiple times. You’ve talked with him about it several times. He’s going to pout no matter what because he’s not supporting her decision to get your masters degree.
The salad kits are easy and quick. So are sandwiches or soup. Work out a menu ahead of time. He can pick up food once s week if he wants. You are too busy to be cooking for an inconsiderate pouty man. NTA.
You husband is a child. A literal child. Stop cooking for him. He’s capable of feeding himself.
Nothing works? Don’t cook for him. That’s what works. Worry about your own meals. He’s a big boy, he won’t starve. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
Get some lunch meat and tell.him to make sandwiches instead of daytime leftovers. Then tell him that IF he eats the leftovers instead that HE is now responsible for making dinner. And then follow through with it
NTA and what’s up with your husband? It’s insane that he will not allow the leftovers to make it to a second night, no matter how much you make and what snacks are in the house. It almost feels intentional. Why do you have to cook him food anyway? Ridiculous!
You’ve done your best to make it work, but he’s literally sabotaged every step. Do what you have to do (as long as it’s legal, of course).
I would wager he’s doing it purpose because he didn’t want you to go back to school & mess up his schedule. What nerve you have /s. Nta & if he’s eaten his share & is still hungry he’s welcome to feed himself. Also if he’s eaten more than his share, still don’t feed him. Show him his actions have consequences. You not his mom & he’s not a toddler. He can handle it. You just have to be strong & stand your ground.
Out of curiosity, was your husband on board with you going back to school? I ask because he seems like he is purposely sabotaging you. It doesn’t matter if he’s on board, but I’d dig into that.
Anyway – see if you can pack your leftovers into something he can’t access, even if it means putting them in a cooler bag and a work fridge. Because he is being a total AH and doesn’t seem to give one single shit about you so it’s time for you to tell him to screw off and look out for you
Why are you responsible for feeding this grown ass man? Of course you’re not an asshole, unless he’s incapable of basic life skills, which he seems to think he is. Also, I assume there was never an agreement where you signed up for cooking all the meals? Put your foot down on this. He’s acting like a man child. Cook for yourself and let him figure his own meals out (along with the grocery shopping — gasp!). Maybe he’ll finally appreciate what you’ve been doing.
Husband needs to learn how to cook. It’s not that hard. He’s a man-baby.
NTA.
NTA. Your food, your rules. The man needs to learn the concept of ‘leftovers’. Maybe his snacking ass needs a mini fridge with a lock.
NTA in any universe. Your husband is actively sabotaging your studies because he’s too fucking lazy to care about your needs and your professional goals. Stop cooking for the man-baby. I promise you he won’t let himself starve to death like actual babies would.
This man is carb loading like they’re about to make weaponized incompetence Olympic sport.
NTA
INFO: is your husband 5? I ask because my 6 year old follows rules better than your husband
Sounds like a little kid who is seriously jealous that Mom isn’t home and cooking him dinner. Sounds like he’s not doing well home alone. Tell him to grow up and stop pouting and eating his emotions. The more food you cook, the bigger he’ll get, so you two need to talk about what’s really going on with him.
P.S. Instead of cooking more and more food for him to overeat, buy some frozen meals for him.
Stop cooking for him.
He is sabotaging you. He may possibly not be doing it consciously but that’s what he’s doing.
It’s time he steps up and cooks for you.
NTA
I am 51F. And you are WAY too old to be putting up with this crap. Straighten your dang shoulders and left your chin. Now TELL him…….”You are not supporting me. You are acting like only YOUR business and YOUR dreams matter. And I’m tired of you eating all the food I prepare and being disruptive when I’m studying. And if the only way I can get some peace, quiet and actual food for myself is to leave you? I’d rather be a divorced older woman realizing MY dream with a full belly than stay here feeling like my only purpose is to make sure YOU are happy.”
Keep on mind that you aren’t giving him an ultimatum. You are giving him an example of one way you may potentially respond to this ridiculous situation.
NTA but perhaps try to find some solutions. You said he is supportive of your return to school, but what you posted shows he is inconsiderate by eating food designated for you. One suggestion, when you cook, make double and tell him when he orders out to do the same. Buy color coded Tupperware and label his and hers. (And no, I don’t think this should be necessary, he is a grown man, but is acting like a child, just trying to find a solution to avoid a blow up). Good luck with school!
Why the hell isn’t he helping you cook? It’s not 1940.
This intentional, he wants you to fail. He’s trying to force you to cook so you don’t have time to study.
Please read up on weaponized incompetence because it is being used against you by someone pretending to love you.
Why are YOU even cooking at all!?!? He should be the one. Helping you out!
I think you should go back a few steps.
“I informed my husband (48m) that it’s going to be an adjustment….”
“We’ve had this conversation a million times. I’m at the point where nothing works”
Sounds like your relationships is less than ideal. Dinner or lack there of may just be a symptom of a deeper issue.
I think couple counselling may be in order.
PLEASE don’t down vote me if you disagree, I answered objectively in good faith.
He’s being manipulative on top of being selfish. The only thing you can control is you feeling guilty over his manipulation… you’re working full-time and going to school And he doesn’t seem to care whether or not you get a decent meal when you get home. Honestly , I would pick up something while i’m out and then when I get home and he wants it , I would tell him there’s leftovers in the fridge and he can eat the rest of whatever he didn’t mow through that day. If he’s going to be so inconsiderate as to eat everything that was left over for the two of you , then you don’t feel any need to cater to him with takeout. He can’t have it both ways.
NTA This may be a way of sabotaging your studies. He may be using overeating to deal with his emotions around you going back to school. In either case he is an adult and he is in control of his actions. He is trying to make you feel guilty so you will stop what you are doing and pay attention him.
Try your best to have an honest conversation with him. Maybe start by saying that you are surprised at how difficult this is. Ask what he is finding different about you going back to school. Can you block out some couple time? But don’t back down and quit school. You may have to stop cooking for him. You are doing something very stressful that will presumably benefit the household in some way. He can do his part by doing the cooking.
NTA, he is trying to get you to quit school. Waaayyy back in the ’70’s when my mom decided to go back to school, my dad refused to pay for it, so my mom got a part time job as a cocktail waitress (skimpy outfit and all) to pay for he college. Dad caved real fast, and after mom had a degree for a good job, she divorced him. Mom is still single and happy, dad has now been divorced 3 times and is living with his GF. NTA tell him to fix or buy his own food!!
NTA
Is your 48 year old husband an incompetent, inconsiderate child? Incompetent because at some point in our lives we all learn how to cook for ourselves. Even badly prepared meals. Inconsiderate because of the time and effort you put into meal planning and cooking.
I agree with other comments. His actions/demeanor is manipulative.
Men are so jealous. I’ve seen it several times. When a woman decides to achieve something, the man, jealous of her possible success, tries to sabotage her.It seems like my husband is one of those. He secretly doesn’t want to see you grow up. But it’s so subtle, you don’t notice it, but it’s there like a nail in a board.
Your husband is an asshole and not being supportive. He is home at 2? Then tell him to microwave a hot pocket. He isn’t a child and can fend for himself.
I truly believe he is actively sabotaging you. You need to have a long conversation.
What does he say when you tell him “you already ate yours?”
he’s doing this on purpose
you are NTA, sorry
NTA
It’s past time to be blunt. “You already ate. If you’re still hungry figure it out. But that hurt act you’re putting on is manipulative and I’m not having it.”
Does he have some kind of eating disorder or something? Honestly his inability to not eat this food when he is otherwise supportive seems crazy. I know it’s petty but maybe get a lockbox for the fridge and put the leftovers in that and don’t let him know the code. He’s got lots of options and maybe it’ll make him think if it’s locked away. Maybe he should go to a dr too I’m worried about this extreme over eating which could be a stress thing but shouldn’t come at your expense.
NTA
Your husband is an adult with far more free time than you.
He can make his own dinner
If you are good with throwing together something for yourself, let him go ahead and order takeout. This should stop him stomping around all pouty and sad.
However, you might want to start keeping track of how much he spends on takeout. When you’ve been accustomed to cooking at home, the cost of takeout can be shocking. Also, if you cook more and he eats more, is he gaining weight? If so, you could try pointing out that if he’s going to eat himself to death, he should hurry up so you can collect the life insurance. /s
So I would split the leftovers into two. Label clearly that his leftovers are for dinner, if he eats as snack he will have to adult & make something for himself at dinner time. You take your dinner with you to work, put it in the fridge & take back home to eat. Does he not cook any meals ever? If not, that is a problem in itself. As you said, you are both working/studying a grueling number of hours.
Please see that you are NTA. Take out for now on. You aren’t a slave
NTA
Look, I have a lot of thoughts on how your husband is being a true AH here, and you are being a doormat for immediately cooking for him when he pouts. And doing all the cooking all around. But I think you’ve heard most of it in the comments already.
To add to some of the suggestions – it sounds like you are keeping the leftovers in a single container, which he is “picking” at. I would suggest you portion them out. So this small container has your Monday meal, this is your Tuesday meal, your Wednesday meal, etc. And same for his Monday meal, etc etc. Better still, get the same size tupperware containers, with different color lids. So it is VERY clear to him which meals are his. Hell, get him a bigger size, so he has a larger portion, since it seems he is a bottomless pit in need of more more more food.
If he eats his Monday meal for a snack rather than dinner, ah well. That’s on him to solve. But he had his meal, you have yours. You can’t just give him yours, because obviously that would leave you without a dinner. He can’t act like you ate it “all” because you only ate your portion for the day, and he had his. You just need to leave him to be responsible for feeding himself at that point.
NTA.
He’s a grown-ass-man, emphasis on ass. He can fend for himself since he obviously doesn’t care what happens to you.
Apparently on some level he does not like the fact that you’ve gone back to school and that you’re not making dinner for him every night. He’s acting like a spoiled child. Let him know his arms aren’t broken and he can make dinner just like you can and he needs to stop eating the effing leftovers. Tell him you’re not going to put up with it anymore and if he continues you’re going to stop cooking all together.
NTA – his idiocy and transparent manipulation doesn’t have to be your problem. Stop feeling guilty – and every time he fucks you over regarding dinner, order take out just for yourself and don’t share.
Stopping cooking for him. Tell him it’s his turn to plan dinner.
Stop cooking second dinners.
Ohhh what a petty little baby you married. Food is literally essential for life, if he can’t figure that out on his own without screwing up his wife’s day than what’s the point of him!
Yes stop cooking for him completely, it’s well past time that he learned to feed himself. Good lord.
NTA.
Why isn’t he cooking the meals when he finishes his job at 2 pm? Why is it ALL on your shoulders? NTA Get him to start doing the meal prep and shopping and cooking.
nta
are you sure he actually eats it? Or throws it away (to sabotage you) or let someone else (affair…?) have it?
It sounds like he should have gained weight in a visible way…
The library is your friend.
OP, he’s sabotaging your studies, and he keeps doing it because you keep letting him. WHy are you still cooking something for him, after he’s eaten his own dinner? Let him know he can put something together from the fridge, or have a PBJ sandwich, while you enjoy your own dinner and get back to your studies. HE should be cooking for YOU, but he’s expecting you to be in school full time AND cook for him.
Let him sigh. Let him make his own dinner if he eats his portion up beforehand. He’ll either straighten up & fly right, or you have a bigger problem, which it’s better to know about sooner rather than later.
If he’s hungry, he can cook. Actually, he should cook for both of you during this time. You’re not his maid.
Question: Does he contribute more than 50% to all the other household chores in return for your cooking?
It really sounds like making more food would be the solution. If his appetite is such that he is snacking down all the leftovers meant for dinner and then still hungry, bigger portions/more leftovers are needed.
Of course he can also cook and/or you both can order out, but I think if you want to keep cooking just make larger batches.
NTA hes a pig and is deliberately eating everything so you’ll feel like you have to cook dinner. Stop cooking for him altogether.
Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and figure out how to either cook for himself or learn how to stretch out the meals you make. I’ll tell you one thing, I bet you he won’t starve if you stop cooking for him. NTA
NTA – This is 100% intentional.
I’d go as far as betting he’s not even eating it all and throwing some away if you’re making more and more and it’s still going.
Your husband doesn’t want you to succeed as this for some selfish reason and sees this as a way to control you with guilt and gaslighting.
Ask yourself why if you’ve had to conversation over and over why the behavior isn’t changing? Because it’s intentional.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you to succeed AND who is using these kinds of tactics to sabotage you?
Your husband is 100% trying to sabotage your studies.
What if you make a crock pot of something on Sunday and freeze the leftovers in individual baggies? People dislike defrosting. I have an extra freezer in my garage. Everybody forgets it’s in there. Maybe u can get one and hide food in the garage?
This feels deliberate. Like some part of him is punishing you because he resents what you’re doing.
You’ve got two choices: Stop making food. Or get lock boxes and lock up the food. (Refrigerator lock boxes are about $15.) I get the feeling that your husband would have a meltdown if you got the lock boxes.
You picked the first choice. I notice that your husband isn’t making anything for you. Just a salad for himself. That’s also telling.
Oh, if you both have your own cars, keep the good snacks locked in your car and then you can bring them in with you.
You’ve got some deeper problems in your marriage that this is just the symptom of.
NTA
NTAH
What about him?! He is a grown man, he can cook his own meal.
Stop cooking for him.
Stop centering in your universe and making him so important.
If he chooses to eat the leftovers, he can cook the meal to replace it.
Time for a VERY honest conversation with your husband, because there is more at play than him eating the leftovers and expecting you to cook.
He is sabotaging you and your efforts to better yourself.
Communicate that what he is doing is causing more harm than good, find out what is going on. Get to the bottom of it. Listen and hear him, ensure he does the same.
Updateme!
Nta he’s doing it on purpose . Maybe you can meal prep into his and hers containers he has no excuse to eat yours if you keep snacks around. Get some of those Costco hard boiled eggs and sand which supplies so he can’t make excuses
Or put mealprepped food in the freezer to take with you lots of things will defrost and be microwaveable to eat at lunch or before you go home but needing to do so is a bit crazy
I suppose you could go scorched earth and say he either leaves your share or you don’t make any food for him at all and just make yourself sandwiches or wraps or something
What your husband is doing it not accidental. It’s his way of telling you. He wants his wife back.
He doesn’t want you to continue on with your studies because it’s going to change. HIS life.
The fact that he gets home at two and can’t be bothered to throw something together and THEM go work on his other business is ludicrous. HE should be making dinner. At the very least, he should be making his lazy ass something besides the leftovers that he already knows are for dinner. And then, when you are done with your studies, you can go ahead and do the dishes.
Your husband sounds selfish and manipulative. And frankly, you need to stop cooking. He is not supporting you at all.
NTA. Put the leftovers out of sight in the freezer.
He’s not a good person.
NTA – but you both still need to figure out a solution. I am also in a 2 person household, but cook like 10 guests are coming to dinner. We BOTH do it because we’re freaking crazy. We eat whatever giant meal we’ve made for a couple of days – lasagna, chicken & noodles, goulash, split pea soup, ham & beans, roast beef with potatoes & carrots, enchiladas, cabbage rolls – think BIG meals. We take our leftovers from these big meals and we vacuum seal them and toss them in the freezer in single portion bags. When we’re both tired and hungry and neither of us feel like cooking, grab a bag out of the freezer and boil it for about 20 mins. It tastes like you just made it fresh. I pulled out a bag of taco meat tonight and had nachos while he used his for burritos. Coming here for validation is absolutely ok, but you need a viable solution rather than a pep talk.
I used to cook once a week two or three things and then freeze them,big tuperware filling up a shelf in our extra freezer and half of our fridge freezer. When you freeze leftovers, they are hard to snack on. I would not label them. So you don’t know if you are getting beef barley stew , Curry chicken, or Lasagna. My ex hated reheating frozen food for 10 minutes in the microwave and discovering it wasn’t lasagna. Suddenly, he lived on pizza pops and chicken patty sandwiches. Every time he would complain I would say I cooked, it’s all in the freezer.
Um…unless he has one of the learning difficulties that impact his ability to understand and follow simple instructions (my son’s dyslexia would impact his comprehension of this for a while), then this has to be intentional.
How does he feel about your studying OP? Is he supportive? And I mean more than saying he is? Is he worried about you improving yourself? Do you have the same plans for the future?
Lay down the rules. Portion out day 2 meals. Let him eat his when/how he wants. But then, if he wants more food, he gets it himself. You are not his servant.
But I suspect this is a symptom of a wider problem rather than the issue itself.
You’re the problem- you cave into him! You’ve had this conversation, so he’s more than aware of the situation! But you still end up making dinner, so he gets what he wants with no consequences.
He doesn’t care you’ve gone back to school and clearly doesn’t support it, if anything, he’s try to sabotage it!
I would pack up your half of the left overs and study somewhere before coming home, so he either saves his food for dinner or cooks himself!
You’re enabling weaponised incompetence! He has the time to cook! He should be left in charge of dinner! If he really was supporting you, this wouldn’t be happening. Also don’t be fooled by some lame excuse like ‘’I thought you getting your masters, was you getting ready to leave me’’. Which I’m surprised you haven’t!
I bet he’s gained loads of weight with how much he’s eating, to inconvenience you.
Why can’t he cook, too? He’s an adult. You guys could take turns cooking…
A lot of selfishness here
Updateme
Let him feed himself. He is actively sabatoging your efforts to eat healthy homecooked meals. After you’ve eaten, if there’s nothing left tell him to figure it out on his own cause he’s already eaten his supper.
“I feel guilty and waste time trying throw something together”
Stop that. He’s a Big Boy. Let HIM cook dinner if he’s going to eat all the leftovers. You are not his mommy.
You are being a doormat to a manbaby. AND STOP EATING LESS. Damn girl. Your bar is set sow low an ant could step over it. Put your food down and stop “having this conversation a million times”. He has shown you over and over and over and… that he has no intention of changing. So YOU STOP coddling him. Fix yourself something light to eat and leave him on his own. He can manbaby “sigh deeply and act all hurt” all he wants. He needs to grow the fuck up. You need to stop with the doormat behavior.
updateme
He doesn’t want you studying. He’s doing this on purpose. He may not even be eating all the food.
Put a camera up in your kitchen and find out what he’s doing.
This sounds so much like sabotage to me. He doesn’t want you improving your own life.
NTA
Don’t cook extra for him. Tell him you feel he’s taking too much and expecting too much out of you. He can cook his own damned food.
NTA. After our kids fledged and we both worked FT, I told my husband if he wanted to eat he’d have to shop and cook. I did it for 20 years and I was done. If he gets hungry been figure it out.
Your husband is nearly 50 years old, tell him to grow the f up and quit deliberately sabotaging you. It’s not about the food, it’s because you went back to school NTA
NTA. He’s a damn adult and should be able to cook for himself. What would he do if you weren’t there? Starve? Hardly. It also sounds like he’s sabotaging your degree. Is he worried you’ll get a better job and make more money? Is he pissy that you’re too busy to coddle him constantly? Something is going on, and it’s not good.
I’m also doing online school for another degree (but I’m older and this is just for fun), and although I’m retired, I’m still busy with schoolwork – especially during the summer semester when classes double up for 4 weeks. You know what my husband does? Freaking everything – groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He asks what he can do to help. (Of note, neither of us work, and I do get paid a housing allowance on top of my retirement pay which is the bulk of our income, so I’m not just freeloading. 😀 ) Maybe your guy needs you to remind him that you’re doing this for both of you and that you would appreciate his support? Or maybe he just needs a swift kick in the ass. Who can say?
Am I the only one wondering if he weighs like 400 lbs with all this extra eating?
Why are you doing all the cooking in the first place?
Let him cook for himself, if he’s eaten everything else.
He may be threatened by you getting higher qualifications, or he may just be selfish and not like having his routine disrupted. Doesn’t matter. He needs to start acting like an adult and feed himself – and you!
NTA
NTA
Unless he is physically unable to cook, then there is no reason why he shouldn’t be able to share the cooking chore with you, or even do his own cooking if he’s that hungry.
NTA. This is his way of stopping you studying. You should start freezing the leftovers in portion packs and leave only fruit and veggies and diet drinks for him to snack on.
Or you can go the health route, tell him you are concerned of the amount he is eating and that this age, he needs to get medical check up so it isnt something really bad.
If he’s truly eating that much, has he gained weight? Can you talk to his doctor about this food compulsion he has?
Any chance you can convince him to make bento boxes (or grownup lunchables) with a healthy mix of protein and veg/fruit/grain as his fun lunch thing so that it’s more lunch-appropriate and doesn’t destroy your dinner plans?
Our rule is that whoever has the primary claim to food gets dibs. If you cook it or if it was your leftover portion from a different meal, you get to either eat it or the person who wants it needs your permission. That means if I cook a huge vat of chili and have portioned containers in the fridge, my husband checks to see how many are mine and/or will be incorporated into another family meal rather than just grabbing some and eating it. If there is food that one of us prepares and intends to be up for grabs for whoever wants it, we convey that too. It’s only fair.
Are we married to the same man, mine does the same, he either eats the leftovers or picks all the meat out and just leaves the sauce, if I say anything to him he just says “I was hungry “ just like another child
Did you marry a grown ass man who does not know how to feed himself?
He’s doing this on purpose. Call him on his shit now and stop cooking for him day of just because he’s pouting like a toddler
Damn. I went back to school to be a nurse and my husband picked up cooking for like two years. Now we do 50:50 cooking and one night out.
Girl, put him in his place. You’re a partnership, not a restaurant. If he’s hungry, he can make a sandwich
I would just eat on the way home and let him sort himself out. When I was studying part-time, lectures finished at 8 pm, so I would eat between work and the start of lectures. Sometimes i would get home.and my husband still had not cooked. I would just go for a bath and go to bed. He is a grown man – he can feed himself.
Or instead of trying the leftover thing, you cook one night, and he cooks the next. If he does not cook, then you can have a granola bar, and he can starve.
Buy a refrigerator locker that has a combo lock or key. Store at least your portion of any leftovers in the box. When he complains, tell him the alternative is you no longer cook for him – period. And, if he breaks in, that is the end of you cooking for him – forever.
BTW, your husband is a jerk. Please have him read the comments to your post so that he can see what everyone thinks of his lack of self control and manipulative tactics. 😡
NTAb
Is he incapable of cooking for himself? Why is it your job? Throw him in the bin and put yourself first. Nta
There are lots of suggestions here about getting in materials for sandwiches or making him a sandwich. My question is – why are you responsible for all the cooking, cleaning and groceries? There needs to be a complete overhaul of responsibility based on available time. You’re not a housewife, why is he treating you like one? You must be exhausted with all this work and the complete lack of respect.
Your husband needs to shoulder his share of the food prep burden. bottom line. my wife and I both work, and we both cook. and I do my own laundry etc. Basic common sense in a two-earner household.
NTA! Your husband is and a big one. Your husband is a grown ass man and should be able to get himself a snack or make his own damn dinner if he eats all the leftovers.
NTA. There’s no reason you should’ve been doing all the cooking when you were just working full time. Full time work AND school? Your husband needs to grow up and pull his weight. He can’t even procure his own snacks? He whines when he’s not fed like a helpless child? Absolutely not.
Don’t feel guilty. He’s purposefully sabotaging your studies. If he’s hungry, he can cook. He is not a child. He’s home 5 hours earlier than you, and you have studying to do. Tell him tough tits and to make toast. Nta
Congratulations on going back to education. I teach at a university and LOVE LOVE LOVE older students. They are the glue that holds our classes together, so dedicated and so much fun too! I hope you’re having a great experience.
AITAH because I stopped catering to an inconsiderate grown adult who is sabotaging my efforts to improve myself?
AITAH for not being a day care mum to a manchild with no impulse control or life skills while I work full time and study?
AITAH for refusing to be a second class citizen in my own home and not allowing myself to be treated with inconsiderate behaviour and lack of respect?
AITAH for prioritising my health, mental well being, physicality, time and studies over a grown mans inability to control his impulses, cook for himself or otherwise act like a decent human being and partner?
Pick whichever title you think fits the post best because YOU are NOT the issue.
Your husband is trying to sabotage you. Stop making dinner at all. Cook for yourself. Maybe get a small locking fridge for your leftovers. He is doing this deliberately because he doesn’t like you being busy with school.
He is an adult let him feed himself
Let him do the cooking. He is very selfish.
Is your husband a dog?
Start labelling the leftovers, you both get an equal amount. He can make his own dinner if he already ate his for lunch. He is a grown adult and can feed himself.
I’m curious, does he earn more than you now? And will having your masters shift the balance?
I’m actually going to blame you.
It isn’t about the volume of food. It has never been about having the right amount of food around. If you bought 10x, he’d find a way to finish it all.
It’s about him wanting to confirm his life isn’t changing. If you didn’t have to also cook. If you were able to have more independence, you’d have more power and control. That’s scary.
He’s deliberately sabotaging you. This is malicious behaviour and he’s acting like a spoilt baby. Let the brat fend for himself completely
Why isn’t he cooking for you both?
Stop cooking for him. Just stop. Let him pout. There’s no reason he can’t cook for himself.
Stop cooking! Sandwich fixings should be his life going forward. Hungry? Make yourself a sandwich.
I can’t believe you were cooking all the meals in the first place.
If you are both working equal time (school or work), you should spilt meal making (assuming everything else is split evenly.
When I was working overtime and getting a masters while living alone in a home I did all the care for (mowing the lawn, raking leaves, shoveling snow, etc…I premade my weeks meals on Sunday night, so I could just heat and eat quickly. This included dinner and lunch.
No, NTA for not cooking. But why are you putting up with his childish behavior?
NTA. I’m a sahm and never cook dinner for my husband. No complaints. He needs to adjust and be a big boy.
I venture to say that you do all the cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping too. What are you getting out of this relationship? I would get a studio apartment so fast and make myself a priority. NTA but you are if you let this situation go on any longer.
He’s a grownup, not a helpless child. He can cook for himself.
Put your share of the leftovers in a lockable fridge box. When he asks where his is give him a loaf of bread and tell him to make a sandwich as he has already eaten his. He is absolutely sabotaging your studies. You need to look at why this is. What is he afraid of? His behaviour is manipulative and by cooking again you are enabling and reinforcing it.
Toddlers can learn that actions have consequences, what is your husband’s excuse? NTA
He can support your goals by making dinner. If he can read and has arms he can use a cookbook or recipes from the web.
Stop acting like his mother. Bring home takeout meals for yourself each night. He’s acting helpless and manipulative.
He’s sabotaging you. I would create large batches and divide them into meal size portions to freeze. Unfortunately that won’t solve the actual problem
He’s sabotaging you.
I’m the one in the house that eats the tasty snacks because my partner rarely eats them and then complains they are gone. So I’ve bought extra so he can stash them as I’m the one that does all the shopping. That’s how I dealt with that issue – putting specific snacks aside for him.
Your husband is capable of going to the shops and buying snacks. He’s deliberately eating all the snacks and all the dinner to sabotage your academic plans so that you won’t leave him. This is evidenced by the fact you have had this conversation with him so many times and he hasn’t learned. He’s doing it on purpose.
Hes a grown man, he can make himself something to eat! You should be alternating cooking, you make food with leftovers, he makes food with leftovers. You both get time for your stuff….
My BFF has this version of dipshit husband and I have no advice but I definitely wish she’d divorce him already. Using food as a weapon would be enough for me to get rid of someone like that, but I also never would have married him.
NTA.
Edit: I made husband plural, and they do not have a poly relationship lol
NTA. Eat what’s left for dinner and let him figure his own dinner out. Stop feeling guilty. He’s a grown man.
Sounds like he doesn’t want you to get that degree. Aren’t husbands supposed to be supportive? It sounds like you have been and now that it’s his turn to slightly adjust he’s manipulating you into making it more trouble than it’s worth. NTA
Why are you getting your masters? You should be at home at his beck and call. Isn’t that an ultimate joy for a woman? /s. Yea he’s manipulative. He should be cooking dinner for you.
I would portion out the leftovers into single serves and label yours. I mean, in an ideal world I’d tell your husband to start cooking 50% of the meals and he would actually do it, but we all know he won’t.
NTA
He’s a grown ass man
Just stop cooking for him, tell him to figure it out. Prep your own food.
Is he fucking five years old?
Nothing like a little of the old weaponized incompetence to get what he wants. What a child. A gluttonous child at that.
Don’t cook a damn thing. Hell, I would even stop grocery shopping. Let him figure it out on his own.
NTA
Sorry ams for what reason can he not cook??
He needs to pick up his own slack in the kitchen department. Its not just your responsibility to cook. He has ZERO excuse why he couldn’t.
The reason you’re at your wits end and have had the conversation a million times with no results is because he’s doing this on purpose. As others have stated, it’s sabotage. Do you have time to go to therapy with him? Because this is way deeper than food.
Perhaps you could sit down with him and ask him what’s really bothering him. He’s obviously got some issues with the new arrangement and it’s likely he doesn’t know he’s “sabotaging” your new venture as others are saying; he’s just not being able to adjust.
It’s not about the food. What’s the bigger picture? Maybe that will help.
You have no obligation to feed him.
You’ve given him loads of options plus he’s an adult so he can feed himself.