Hi everyone,
This is going to be kind of a superficial post, ngl, but I wanted to provide the context of my question. My mom (49F) was showing me (25F) a video of this cute girl taking a photo with a cop and she pointed out how all the comments on the video were making fun of her nose. I have to admit, her nose was large but I didn’t even notice until my mom pointed out the comments. I told her how I didn’t even notice it, and she responded, “if they think her nose is huge, they should see ours”. I responded “my nose is not that big and stop grouping me into those kinds of things”. She got really quiet and upset after I said that. The reason I said this is because anytime my mom feels insecure about her appearance, she drags me into the conversation. I grew up as a really goofy looking kid and eventually kind of blossomed and I feel confident about my appearance now. But sometimes, like everyone, I get insecure as I still remember that little girl I once was. I particularly remember myself at 13 years old telling myself I will never be pretty but at least I’m smart. So it’s taken me a long time to feel good about myself. However, my mom always makes these snide comments about my appearance when she is feeling low. My mom and I do look very similar, but I still don’t think either of us are unattractive. Also, although we look alike, my mom and I are two separate people, and I don’t want her feelings about her appearance to leak into my own.
Here are two other instances to demonstrate what I’m talking about:
1) there was this really cute guy at our gym (I mean Ryan Reynolds, Bobby Cannavale type handsome) and my mom was talking about him one day, and said “that guy is totally out of our league”.
2) my family and I went on vacation to New Orleans, and there was really beautiful girl (like Zendaya, Sanaa Lathan) at our bus stop. When I saw the girl, I noticed how pretty she was, and then I moved on with my day. When we got home, my mom and I were talking about how good looking the men and women were in the South, and she was like “do you remember that girl at the bus stop? We can’t even compete”.
3) my grandmother is a really traditional Indian woman who places a lot of value on fair skin. Basically to her, light skin, light eyes = beautiful. My mom was talking about how if my grandmother, her MIL, had a daughter, she would constantly be talking about how beautiful she is and this is where I got hurt. She goes “she would constantly compare her own daughter to people that are dark and ugly like us”.
Idk if I’m being pretty sensitive because it took me so long to feel somewhat good in my skin (I clearly have a long ways to go) but I just hate when she categorizes me into her isnecurities. It feels like I’m back at square one with the insecurities of my appearance, and that I’m that little girl again that hates the way they look. So anyways AITA for telling her stop? Let me know what you guys think!
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Hi everyone,
This is going to be kind of a superficial post, ngl, but I wanted to provide the context of my question. My mom (49F) was showing me (25F) a video of this cute girl taking a photo with a cop and she pointed out how all the comments on the video were making fun of her nose. I have to admit, her nose was large but I didn’t even notice until my mom pointed out the comments. I told her how I didn’t even notice it, and she responded, “if they think her nose is huge, they should see ours”. And if I am being very honest neither my mom’s or my nose were as large as the girl’s in the video, just speaking very factually. Not a dig at the girl but realistically. The reason I said this is because anytime my mom feels insecure about her appearance, she drags me into the conversation. I grew up as a really goofy looking kid and eventually kind of blossomed and I feel confident about my appearance now. But sometimes, like everyone, I get insecure as I still remember that little girl I once was. I particularly remember myself at 13 years old telling myself I will never be pretty but at least I’m smart. So it’s taken me a long time to feel good about myself. However, my mom always makes these snide comments about my appearance when she is feeling low. My mom and I do look very similar, but I still don’t think either of us are unattractive. Also, although we look alike, my mom and I are two separate people, and I don’t want her feelings about her appearance to leak into my own.
Here are two other instances to demonstrate what I’m talking about:
there was this really cute guy at our gym (I mean Ryan Reynolds, Bobby Cannavale type handsome) and my mom was talking about him one day, and said “that guy is totally out of our league”.
my family and I went on vacation to New Orleans, and there was really beautiful girl (like Zendaya, Sanaa Lathan) at our bus stop. When I saw, I noticed how pretty she was, and then I moved on with my day. When we got home, my mom and I were talking about how good looking the men and women were in the South, and she was like “do you remember that gir” at the bus stop? We can’t even compete”.
my grandmother is a really traditional Indian woman who places a lot of value on fair skin. Basically to her, light skin, light eyes = beautiful. My mom was talking about how if my grandmother, her MIL, had a daughter, she would constantly be talking about how beautiful she is and this is where I got hurt. She goes “she would constantly compare her own daughter to people that are dark and ugly like us”.
Idk if I’m being pretty sensitive because it took me so long to feel somewhat good in my skin (I clearly have a long ways to go) but I just hate when she categorizes me into her isnecurities. It feels like I’m back at square one with the insecurities of my appearance, and that I’m that little girl again that hates the way they look. Tell me what you guys think! I’d love any feedback!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I responded to my mom about how she should stop grouping me into her own insecurities, and she seemed upset after I told her to stop.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your mom needs therapy to help with her inferiority complex. Glad that you are standing up for yourself.
NTA.
I am sorry your mom is unable to control her feelings and that she makes them your problem (or tries to, anyway). NTA for being yourself and NTA for telling her “enough”. In conclusion! NTA
NTA
while i feel bad for your mom that she sees herself in such a poor light, my pity does not give me patience for her treatment of you. some people are just determined to see themselves as lesser no matter what, and that fundamental insecurity means they want to drag others down with them.
you know you are beautiful, and i believe you. if seeing her own face reflected back to her in a loving, intelligent, and beautiful daughter doesn’t change how she feels about it, nothing will. every attack she levies against herself, makes it more and more true in her mind. she can choose to imprison herself in this misery, but it is not ok for her to foist it onto you.
be happy being beautiful ❤️ you deserve it
NTA After you said what you said and she got quiet and upset has she made any improvements? I know how awful it’s made you feel. My mother did the same thing to me for as long as I could remember. The agony stopped in 1997 when she died.
My mother actually instilled(?)) a lot of cultural pride in me, but when I was older and dating someone, she said something like “don’t have kids with him though because your kids will be too dark.”
We’re dark skinned. What is too dark?
It was jarring coming from a woman I thought was so proud of our heritage.
So, yeah, I get it
I love this dark skin. And I love her dark skin. That she doesn’t love hers and maybe not mine either hurt me
So, I used to tell her that I love it. And that she’s beautiful. And her skin is beautiful.
You’re definitely not the asshole
If I could offer any advice, I would say to tell her “Mom, we are cute” instead of “Mom, I’m cute” for example
But I ain’t mad at you for letting her know that she may not like what she sees, but you love it
Your mom is very shallow and I’m sorry you have to listen to her ridiculous comments. nta
Your mum putting you down is fucked up and probably caused your issues in the first place.