I (30F) have struggled a lot with PCOS, insulin resistance and obesity. I have been working hard to get my body where it needs to be to get pregnant. However I am not at the safe weight or health to try to conceive yet. My mother is well aware of my struggles and knows that I want to try for kids in the future. However lately she has been very pushy: suggesting baby names, and infertility treatments, and even suggesting I move closer to her so she can spend time with them. Again not ready for pregnancy yet. I asked her to please stop with the baby conversation as I am not healthy enough nor am I sure it’s even possible given all the failed attempts and the health struggles. She persisted and told my husband and I that because we have made her wait so long we HAVE to use her baby name suggestion. I said no as we do not like it and it would be our child. She also insisted that I look into IVF and other fertility treatments. I am not comfortable with these procedures and while they maybe right for others I don’t feel that they are right for me. I was told that I am not even trying to make my mom happy and give her grandbabies. I firmly believe if it is meant to be it will so I am not interested in the other treatments and putting my body through that and pregnancy. I did not talk to her for a day because what she would not stop pushing her baby making agenda on me. She called this evening and proceeded to list more names to try. I told her I am not sure if me having babies is possible and pushing for it does not help as I am already disheartened about the situation. She told me I am rude and don’t care about her feelings and she will not subject herself to my hatefulness. However my brother can be little and berate her with no repercussions. Oh and my brother and his fiancé could make her a grandma but instead I get the pressure. So AITAH for trying to set boundaries and denying my mother future grandchildren?
AITAH because I told my mom to stop pushing me to give her grandchildren.
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA – your family choices are not for your mom.
Nta. You take care of yourself. Your health is your priority. I dealt with all that stuff too. I had my first at 37 and my second at 40. Your time isn’t out. You just have a marathon to run. Don’t give up on your dreams. Limit contact if she can’t respect your boundaries.
NTA here. Given that your mother is aware of your health and your desire to have children when the time is right, she should show more compassion and not push you to have children on her time.
Hopefully, she gets the hint at some point and stops pushing.
NTA – she’s a limited and optional role. She doesn’t get to dictate your family’s decisions from expansion, health choices, or naming. At this point, would limit info and communication to your comfort, as it’s likely adding a great deal of stress while you are trying to get healthy. Would also consider that during an potential pregnancies, as stress during isn’t healthy for mother or child.
NTA. There are SO many reasons not to have kids and health issues is a valid one. Your mother doesn’t dictate when you decide to take on the responsibility of a person you’re responsible for for nearly 20 years. Be rude – she sure is.
NTA
Personally. I’m pretty petty and would tell her that her constant harping has made you change your mind and you are no longer going to go through the hassle to get there. She needs to shut up, because it’s not going to happen because of her. But then. That would only work in certain relationships.
If she continues to call/text mute her and don’t engage for your own mental wellbeing.
Maybe put her on an information diet about your health journey so she is unaware of your progress any future attempts.
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Tell her that she is right. Her opinions don’t matter. Because it’s not her decision.
I mean, I guess I don’t understand why it’s just not problem solved – if she says she won’t subject herself to your hatefulness (which is silly btw, don’t see what you said that was hateful), sounds like she’s just rewarding you by peacing out and leaving you alone? If someone was being that overbearing to me and said they weren’t going to subject themselves to me, I’d just say “Great! Thanks! Bye!”
It sucks, it’s your mom, I get it. But when her feelings are so toxic and abusive to you, then maybe the healthiest thing for you to do is to stop actually caring about her feelings. I’ve noticed unfortunately family members like that often do tend to favor the more abusive and detached members, and are enmeshed and abusive to the more considerate ones. You know you’re not actually being inconsiderate, but her behavior may actually warrant it for a change. I’m sure you just want her to understand and be supportive, but it doesn’t sound as if she’s going to be. Everything that she’s suggesting would be dangerous for you.
NTA Time to go LC or even NC!
NTA. Your mom sounds like she’s panicking about grandkids, but that’s only your problem because she’s relentless in her demands on you. You’re dealing with actual health challenges here. She needs to back way up and knock it off. All she’s succeeding in doing is alienating you. If she won’t listen to you and be empathetic about the situation, tell her that putting stress on you actually makes the situation worse and you’re tired of talking about. I’m sorry she’s doing this to you.
Next time she gives you suggestions for baby names, get a dog, cat, goldfish, whatever and give it that name. Send her a pic and tell her you used one of her suggestions. Maybe she’ll get the hint.
As soon as she starts in, hang up the phone, walk out of the room, get in your car and drive away. EVERY SINGLE TIME. She might stop.
Speaking as someone who would love to be a grandma, you don’t owe anyone your reproduction.
There are many reasons not to have children. If you’re in the USA, pregnancy is terribly risky compared to other developed nations, and has gotten far worse since Roe v. Wade was overturned.
The environment/climate is getting steadily worse. The political situation sucks. The economy sucks.
And even if all these things weren’t true, you still don’t owe her a grandchild!
NTA
NTA, you need to tell your mom that you’re going to start limiting contact with her if she keeps badgering you about this.
No is a complete sentence.
NTA. – a mom who has a daughter with PCOS and stops myself if I even wonder about to my husband. I know the health struggles she has had. I just enjoy my grand fur babies.
NTA. If you do speak to her and she starts her crap, change the subject. If she ignores this, just hang up.
NTA I personally wish to be child free. That being said I’m at high risk for fertility issues as off birth control I have irregular and long periods plus ovarian cysts. I would have to see a reproduction doctor just to figure things out. I plan on getting my tubes tied but I’m going to have to stay on birth control for the above reasons.
Consider going NC with your mom or at least LC. You Really NEED to establish firm boundaries not now But RIGHT NOW!!! Because if she’s pushing this hard now, she will continue adding stress (you don’t need) when you do get pregnant.
NTA Now is a great time to start setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother. You need to tell her that you want no more talk at all about pregnancy and grandchildren. At all because otherwise you will argue over how much. And that if she persists you will stop the conversation or leave. Then (and this is critical) do it. If she complains about your boundaries then tell her you are not going to listen to any complaints either or you will stop the conversation. Then do it. If necessary don’t answer her phone calls for a few days. That may shock her into taking you seriously.
I have this type of parent. They will complain and tell you what a horrible daughter you are. Agree and hang up. They will get the flying monkees to call and harass you. Tell the monkees that your doctor said that the stress of discussing this is not good for you. And that you are not going to discuss this any more. They will tell you “ this is just how she is” and you say that this is just how you are now. It is hard and I had to have a counselor help me with this.
But eventually it stopped. Maybe because everyone knew I was serious when I got up and left. And maybe because I told everyone that the stress of discussing this was affecting my health. Why it stopped isn’t really important. Just that it stopped.
Remind her that STRESS can be a major contributor to people struggling to conceive, and she is only adding to this stress. Tell her what would help you out in the process of getting you to a healthy state.
NTA.
“Mother, shut your yap or we will go to permanent no contact with you.”
Absolutely NTA. Aside from the fact that children/grandchildren are not something anyone is entitled to, fertility treatments are not to be taken lightly. Being generous to your mom, perhaps she doesn’t understand the massive toll fertility treatments place on women’s health, even without any complicating factors. Perhaps ask her if she is so desperate for grandchildren, she is willing to lose you in the process.
NTA. Just very quietly hang up on your mother when she starts the baby talk. Every time.
As a mom,I want grandkids but dont want to push. Try telling ypur mom it hurts ypu when she brings it up.
” You are not entitled to grandchildren. My body and pregnancy is not something that is yours to dictate. Stop with the baby remarks or you’ll find yourself excluded if and when we do have kids. Your behaviour is below the belt. “
nta
NTA it’s not about HER feelings! It’s about you and your health and your wishes. Remind mom that since your umbilical cord was cut, that you no longer share body space and she needs to respect your body autonomy. Honestly I wouldn’t look into moving farther away.
Call her every night and tell her about various shelter pets she could adopt. Give names, ages, breeds, and personality descriptions. Tell her you really want a 4-legged sibling. Repeat this every time she pressures you for gradchilren.
When I was 4 I asked for a baby brother. Mom handed me a Ken doll and told me not to ask again. When I was 15 and she started on grandkids I handed her the new puppy we got and said don’t ask again. It worked.
NTA; send her pamphlets about being a Foster Parent, sign her up for something like Reese’s Rainbow if they have a notification system, and send her articles on how to get pregnant at her age and what to look out for. If she asks why tell her you obviously noticed she wanted another baby and since you aren’t physically ready to have a child yourself she can dote on, you thought you could provide her alternatives for her own late stage in life if it’s that important to her.
Tell your mom you are finished talking about this with her and if she continues you will stop talking to her all together, even go no contact if necessary. It sounds like she doesn’t even care about you or your health anymore, like you’re a baby factory. Definitely NTA. Two of my nieces have PCOS and they have been trying for years and are both pregnant at this moment! One by IVF the other naturally. It’s not too late but being stressed by your mom is not helpful to your situation. Take care of yourself and when the time is right it will happen.
Tell her her dreams are coming true sometime soon. She’s finally getting her wishes. Would she prefer a girl granddog or a boy. And yes, you will use whatever name she wants — as a middle name. And she can help by puppy sitting, potty training, teaching pup tricks, and general training. She can keep pup on overnights. She can buy him clothes and stuff. Then every time she mentions baby, turn the conversation around to what breeders, colors, etc. When you run out of doggy talk, switch to a rodent, reptile, etc. act very serious about the depth of the conversation. Maybe she’ll get frustrated and ghost you. Win! Win!
Edited to correct errors.
Two options here.
Tell your mother that they use IVF on older people, so she should use IVF herself, have a baby herself and she can name the baby whatever she wants.
Keep sending her pictures of different animals/pets and give ALL of them her favorite baby name. So, tell her you’ve renamed all of your pets ‘babyname’ and spam her phone with photos of look how cute ‘babyname’ is today. You could send her pictures of pets for sale and say “Why don’t you adopt ‘baby name’?” You could even send pictures of more exotic animals and say “We’re sponsoring this baby orangutan called ‘baby name’”
Tell your mother that every time she mentions you getting pregnant, babies, or grandchildren, or anything related you are postponing going off birth control by one month. And then tell her that as of now, you are not sure you will get off of it before you hit menopause.
Ever consider just blocking her phone number to end this toxic crazy relationship you have?
Guess what? No one dies if you do it.
As someone who has PCOS, it was passed down to me directly and caused a lot of pain. If/When you ever feel ready for kids, adopt a kid from the foster system.
Didn’t talk to her for a day? Next time she starts talking about babies, tell her you’ll talk to her next week and hang up. When she texts you, reply ONE TIME that you’ll contact her next week and block her. She says she won’t accept your so-called hatefulness, so why are you accepting her actual hatefulness towards you? You are an adult; it’s time to loosen those strings attaching you to your mother.
You said your brother can tell her off with no repurcussions, right?
How is your relationship with your brother? Would he tell her to fuck off for you? IT is kind of in his interest too because it sounds like if you do have kids and so does he – she will treat them different.
Buy her pottery or knitting classes and tell her to get a damn different hobby.
NtA! You are constantly speaking truth and she just bulldozes right over you…she’s a flaming narcissist.