I (29M) ended a relationship (4 years ago) with my ex-girlfriend (28F) we were together for 5 years, because she wanted children. I told her I didn’t want biological children, because a genetic heart disorder in my family has already claimed 4 of my siblings in total. I have a sister who has the condition and is still alive. I don’t have the condition myself.
My ex-girlfriend refused to listen to our options. A few months after she brought up having biological children, I ended our relationship. I didn’t want to hold her back from having her biological children.
Now I am married to my childhood friend. We drifted apart in middle school. We reconnected when she was invited to my cousin’s (doesn’t have the genetic heart condition) had a gender reveal party. We started talking like no time had passed. It was an enjoyable recommendation. We exchanged numbers and eventually started dating.
She told me she was early into her pregnancy when things started getting serious for us. I was uncomfortable at first. We talked about her pregnancy and I brought up that I broke up with my ex-girlfriend because I didn’t want biological children. She was uncomfortable and then we talked about if I wanted to be a father. I occurred to me that I could be. I am not biologically related to this fetus.
Years have gone by. My ex-girlfriend happened to see out out doing some window shopping as a family. She acted all friendly, but pulled me aside to question me about my marriage and why I was choosing to now raise a child without her. I told her that I didn’t want to pass down my genetics which isn’t tied to me not wanting to be a dad. She got angry at first then really sad and started crying. She was crying, because I moved on from her so quickly and that she hasn’t moved on from me.
Later my wife brought up what she heard and saw and got angry with me. She said it was horrible for me to break up with my ex-girlfriend for such a dumb reason. Now my wife won’t talk to me.
AITAH For ending a relationship over not wanting biological children?
Comments
I feel so bad for your ex…you really didn t love her
Feelings change. 4 years is a long time.
You didn’t want biological children and you still don’t have them. I don’t think you’re the asshole, you just grew.
It’s not a bad reason to dump the Ex and not have a child for her. Any reasonable person wouldn’t want to pass on a fatal disease to their children. If someone still insists on having a child despite this, they are very irresponsible and heartless. Your wife should consider this before accusing you.
Also, the time of dating your wife and marrying her is very convenient for her.
NTA,
They’re both being unreasonable. It definitely isn’t dumb to break up over not wanting bio children. We can maybe say your gf is sad about you having the life she wanted with you with someone else. But your wife is definitely in the wrong.
NTA You said your ex refused to listen to options, which I assume were adoption.
What more could you do?!
I assume you told her the reason you didn’t want bio kids and she didn’t offer up alternatives and then when you met your now wife, she was already pregnant, you didn’t seek it out, it’s just how it happened.
I’m glad it worked out for you.
I think you should have an open conversation with your wife. That you broke up because she wanted bio children and you didn’t.
I also think you didn’t love your ex as much as she loved you. So I think it’s better for her to find someone who truly loves her to be her children’s father
I understand I don’t like the verbiage I just feel sometimes those feelings maybe different with one person and then they may change for another! It’s almost like you may like one person very much but your feelings for another person is true love!
You might just sit your wife down and explain like you just did here; she was a feeling different than your ex-gf, you fell for her so quickly and it was amazing how smoothly you both connected, and you were pregnant with someone else’s baby and it was different, because you have had fears about your genetics and don’t want to pass it down and with her you don’t have that fear anymore and can still be able to be a parent. You weren’t sure in the beginning but she has made it so reassuring that you can be a parent! Your fears have been relieved with her.
The ex-gf it was different she couldn’t understand how terrified you were because you lost so many loved ones, it has been devastating and you were terrified to hand genetics down and possibly losing another loved one, you couldn’t deal with the thought of a loss.
You have to break down the facts for both of them. It’s so hard for them to understand if you don’t open up help them understand!
NTA you never once said you didn’t want kids just that you didn’t want bio kids and your reason why is very reasonable. You said your ex refused to listen to your options which I’m sure were adoption or using a sperm donor. Not your fault. And I don’t get why your wife is upset with you. Again you’ve never said you didn’t want kids, that you didn’t want to be a father.
My oldest brother who has autism and the dud genetic heart condition also chose not to have kids. TBH I don’t blame him, males in the family rarely make 50 and meds don’t help really. Older brother is mostly affected and 1/4 of his heart is dead from the heart attacks. While oldest brother is largely functional there are family members who are non verbal and aggressive and he didn’t speak till he was 5. Re their hearts, plaque doesn’t solidify and comes off leading to strokes and heart attacks. Any girlfriend that expressed an interest, he broke up with for those reasons. Not sure why anyone here is judging OP. Try growing up with this knowing your siblings won’t make 60 and you got a decent shot of passing it on.
NTA. You didn’t want bio kids, you spelled out why. You met someone having a kid already and went for it. That’s literally what you’d always wanted to do- have a family that wouldn’t be at risk of your family health issues. Makes total sense and if your ex had moved on (or listened to you when you said ‘kids, yes, bio kids, no’) she wouldn’t be crying in the street. And it’s not about not ‘being over you’. It’s that she wanted a family and you had one and you had told her the 100% truth and she didn’t hear you.
The issue is your wife- I don’t get why she’s mad? She only benefited from your split, what is she complaining about exactly? Is she trying to get pregnant now knowing it’s something you don’t want and would consider a dealbreaker? Have you discussed more kids?
Side note, you got a vasectomy right?
NTA. I think your reasons were understandable, and it’s been years, it’s not like it’s 2 weeks later or something.
I would wonder about your wife’s reaction, though. There’s probably something going on there. Either she’s pregnant, or she’s been thinking about it.
NTA
Did you wife really hear you correctly? Because it is not at all a dumb reason to not want to have children if your family has a genetic defect that killed four of your siblings. Also, she agreed to not have biological children with you, while your ex girlfriend would not. It makes no sense for your wife to be upset with you.
NTA
From the sound of it, you never said you didn’t want children. You said you didn’t want biological children. Those aren’t the same thing.
NAH
It is heart breaking for your ex. A spermdonor would have given the both of you children that are biologically hers, but not yours.
Your wife is angry for you marrying her- yet she was pregnant with another man’s child and I’m guessing- you are financially supporting another man’s child and stepping up from her choices…
She doesn’t really have any moral highground- because you, the same as both women, have the choice to invest your time, energy and finances wherever you choose…
Your wife needs to stay out of it.
NTA. Breaking up because of fundamental incompatibility is a good thing for everyone.
You could have had a sperm donor to have children. You did not explore your options and quit too early. She is just human and is hurt. As for your wife, you should talk with her.
NTA!
NTA
Though I’m wondering if your wife actually heard everything—or heard only a limited explanation that she wouldn’t understand without more context.
It’s not dumb not to want to subject your children and your partner to genetics that you carry that may make it difficult for you to have healthy children.
Sorry, my guy. Guess you can’t win for trying here.
Your wife was pregnant when you got together. Her past is hers and your past is yours. She has 0 right to be angry about the choices you made before her. Especially since she is benefiting from them.
As for your ex, its sad she is still not over the relationship but that’s not on you. She refused to think of your feelings and legit concerns and find ways to compromise. That ended the relationship.
P. S. Since you don’t want bio kids, I hope you’ve had a vasectomy.
NTA
Everyone’s a bit of an asshole and not an asshole at the same time.
Your reasons for not wanting to pass on a problem gene is sound. It’s not eugenics it is your personal decision.
But it is shocking that it seems to never have occurred to you and your former girlfriend that you and she could become parents together through sperm donation? That’s essentially how you became a father with your wife. It’s astonishing that the first time this occurred to you was when you were dating a pregnant woman. Your exgirlfriend could always have had her biological children with you, just with the help of a donor. It wouldn’t have held her back.
You’re not even 30 yet. Donor conceived pregnancies have been a thing for decades at this point.
I’m not sure why your wife is upset with you on your ex’s behalf, unless she’s just now realising you’re oblivious.
Nta but why cAnt you have kids via tested embryos and do you even cary that gene?