hey reddit,
using a throwaway for obvious reasons. i’m jake, 34m, married to lina, 32f. we’ve only been married a year, which makes this feel even worse. everything was great, super loving for the last 3 years. we were always super open about everything – past partners, sex stuff, you name it.
then, 5 days ago, i found out my wife had an onlyfans. and she made a ton of money from it before we got married. how it happened was my laptop broke, apple said 3 weeks to fix it, so i borrowed hers. i went to type “gmail” out of habit, not thinking it might be signed into her account, and bam – there’s an email from onlyfans about her earnings.
at first, i thought it was spam, almost texted her joking about why she’s getting spam from OF. then it hit me… i looked deeper. found out she was posting full nudes, videos, even actual sex acts for her “special” subscribers. she made over 200k from it. this makes me feel worse because she put zero towards our wedding and hasn’t paid a dime for our house since we got married. i cover rent 100%, handle the house stuff, cook and clean when i can. she helps sometimes, gotta be fair, but mostly just stays home now. i can’t get past the feeling i married an escort who straight-up lied about her past for our whole relationship. worst part? she was still doing it for like 6 months while we were dating. plus, seems like she’s still texting some people from it even after we got married (she says no pics, but who knows).
the insulting part isn’t really the sex work itself, it’s the hiding it. we had SO many talks about our pasts before we even got engaged. finding out like this makes me wanna puke. it feels insanely deceptive. trust is just gone. i confronted her. she totally broke down crying, admitted everything. said it was “in her past life” and shouldn’t matter. i told her straight up that means we’re getting divorced. she’s been sobbing non-stop for days. but the lying… i can’t ever trust her again. and the fact the account wasn’t even shut down? she claims she posted nothing after marriage, but feels like it was just a matter of time honestly.
the whole thing is messed up. she had pics and videos in lingerie, using toys… stuff she literally never wore or used with me, not once. worst part? found like 15 videos of her… giving oral to at least 8 different guys. that’s what made me feel sick and scared about STDs. i feel completely violated. i even had thoughts about suing her for this deception. told her she has to get out of my house (i paid for it). i’m freaked about my health, got an STD test scheduled.
her mom found out, called me yelling that i’m an ah for judging her past, that “everyone has a past,” and i should be the “bigger person” and let her back in. yeah, right.
i’m staying at a buddy’s place right now. told him everything. he’s been super supportive, agrees what she did was awful.
so… aitah?
Comments
And that happened
You are not the asshole for feeling betrayed. It’s the lying that broke trust, not her past. If you can’t move past it, ending things is understandable. Just focus on what is best for your peace.
If you can’t forgive her past, you have no future,,, it’s really that simple … NTA
Like this never once came up in your relationship? I just don’t know how you could be with someone and not communicate enough to find that out.
If she kept it totally secret then your OK. It’s a big breach of trust.
NTA. It’s not about her past, it’s about the lying. You were honest she wasn’t. Hiding something that big breaks trust, and you have every right to feel hurt and walk away.
NTA. She hid it for a reason, probably because she knew it would open up a conversation that she wouldn’t like or decrease her chances of being with you and most likely feels guilty about not being who you thought she was.
Relationships without trust just don’t work. Divorce her and move on. She lied and hid about something pretty big, especially the fact that she was still doing it whilst you were dating.
And that happened. Now that you know, you need to talk to her. NTA!
Not all lies are equally bad. We lie for different reasons.
Lying and secrecy about something that she is very likely to be made to feel ashamed of is very understandable.
Lying about less embarrassing things is completely different and much less understandable.
This is a good example of where the past may not be a good indicator of the future.
[deleted]
Nah, its not about the OF, its the lying like if y’all talked openly before marriage and she still hid that whole part of her life? That’s obviously betrayal. Plus she kept the accounts and was texting people???
Not sure why people that say you’re NTA are getting downvoted, but I guess I’ll add to them.
A relationship should be built on trust, especially when you’re getting married. Obviously she’s not -obligated- to disclose that information to you, but equally, it says to me that’s she’s comfortable with keeping stuff from you, so what’s to say she won’t withhold information in the future.
The main red flag for me is the money. Assuming she still has some of the 200K left, why would she not want to out towards her own wedding? regardless to if she earned that money prior to your relationship or not.
I think the moment she decided not to tell you before marriage especially when you both made it a point to be open, she crossed a line. If she felt it was no big deal, she wouldn’t have hidden it. That tells you everything
Yes..you are completely the asshole here. Grow the fuck up…people have lives. Jesus.
« A horrible past » and she just had an OF and had sex before you… Yes hiding it is bad, but you clearly never were in a position to talking with her with a clear and open mind. Oh and everybody knows what OF is but you felt compelled to watch all her videos and photos… Seems to me you’re a big hypocrite and you can’t stand the fact that she is more liberated than you…
The cherry on top of the cake – she has money and makes you pay for everything is the last straw.
Okay, she has a past. But exploring your money is the present. What is the excuse here?
NTA
Hire a lawyer and bail. It’s only been a year. No kids. No alimony. This is an easy no brainer divorce.
She lied. The subject of the lie isn’t vas important as the lie. That being said op seem more upset about the subject of the lie. I’m gonna say you’re both the a..hole
NTA. You did marry an “escort”
What ??? 200K ?
I hardly made 6K with my OF and I am quite attractive ! She muss be really hot your wife !
Are u sure u wanna leave her ? She is like hot and rich for what I see
Try to talk to her about it she’s probably scared because she knew sooner or later that it was going to come to lite
Look at everyone come out on their high horses 👀
NTA. This was going on while you were dating. You had multiple conversations about each other’s sex life. It’s still going on in some form. To me the first order of business is that she needs to open up her page to you and show you all the messages she is still sending. It doesn’t sound like she this is “in her past” it sounds more like she dialed it down but didn’t end it.
The bottom line is she lied to you. Cheated on you while dating. If you can’t forgive her, that’s your call. What someone would do or feel is irrelevant, they don’t have to live with this, you do.
She should let you back into her back door, she’s for the streets bro
I gotta tell ya dude.
I’ve been one of her loyal onlyfans subscribers for years.
She puts out some amazing content :::
Midgets, cucumbers, lots of lube, you name it…..
Anyway, she’s coming to live with me now.
Don’t contact us.
She’s done with you, lil’ man.
Jabari
NTA. You already said it perfectly, it’s not the sex work it’s the hiding it. How could you ever trust her on anything again?
If she didn’t close her account and still texted her “clients” means she still has plans on earning money this way gnss didn’t want to close the door on it. She didn’t tell you because she knew you’d view her in a different light. At the same time she withheld your right to make a choice from you. Therfore, she is TA.
I’d say, NTA. She had a past, yes, but it can come up and haunt you – videos online are to be there forever…. And, it’s about the money. Did she spend it all? If not, I mean, it’s yours too, no? (I’m Sweden it is. Coming in w money, and/or having debt. Shared once married unless a prenup is written, guessing it’s sort of the same?). However, it really ashamed about it, how would she tell about it without disclosing about the money? But, ont the other hand, she could have said they were just regular savings.
I still think, give it time to think on it. Don’t do anything while you feel this way. Try to be calm, but take your time to be w yourself and reflect on things without her involvement. What you feel now might not be exactly the same in a few weeks/months times. But maybe get out/or she would to get that much needed space.
Updateme