I’m a 26-year-old backend engineer at a mid-sized tech company. At my company, we have a separate front-end team, and I work closely with one of the front-enders, Dan, who is in his 30s. Dan is a nice guy, and we’re not friends or anything, but we talk almost every day.
Dan is married to Sara, who works in the marketing department at my company. They work in different departments and on different floors from each other, so I haven’t seen either of them together outside of the company-wide Q&As and company outings, but we know they are dating.
A few weeks ago, I stayed late at work on a project and went to the lounge to make some coffee. When I opened the door to the lounge, I saw Dan sitting close to one of the people from our HR department, and they were holding hands and flirting with each other (and trust me, it wasn’t just friendly). I quickly left and didn’t feel like it was my place to say anything.
After that event, I started noticing Dan and the HR person hanging out more in the office, and they started going out to lunch together, taking long breaks, etc. I even saw them leave the office together in the same Uber – it was obvious something was going on, and it was hard not to see it.
At the same time, I was working with Sara on a marketing campaign – she always seemed really nice to me. I recall during our discussions, she mentioned Dan a couple of times. By this time, I felt bad for her and felt that she deserved to know.
After some thought, I made a new LinkedIn account and sent her a short anonymous message. I told her I had noticed Dan spending quite a bit of time with a particular HR employee and that he was holding hands with her in the office. I didn’t accuse him of anything, nor did I even name the HR person. I did not feel comfortable reporting it internally, but I thought I’d let Sara know directly and anonymously.
That message spurred Sara to have a conversation with Dan and he admitted to the situation. HR got involve,d and the HR woman that Dan was connecting with was quietly moved to another office. No formal bulletin went out, but people noticed.
It seems that, not long after, rumors started circulating that I could potentially be the anonymous message sender. I didn’t agree or confirm anything but I sensed the shift. Dan stopped speaking to me and some of the staff had negative sentiments regarding me and called me a snitch saying that I should have just stayed out of it. One person said to me, “It’s not your marriage.”
I get that some people think I crossed the line here but I felt I couldn’t stand by while a nice person like Sara was being deceived. Was it wrong for me to be involved? AITAH?
Comments
I don’t even have the read it to say NTA. We need to normalize telling the person being cheated on- it’s not “nosy” at all.
You didn’t spread gossip you quietly told someone the truth that affected her life directly. It wasn’t about meddling it was about basic decency. Staying silent to avoid drama just protects the wrong people.
Dan’s an idiot. It’s hard enough having one relationship in an office setting. Dude is trying to have a wife and a side piece in the same office? Is he insane?
HR people are slime-you’re NTA
You are definitely NTA, the AH would be Dan
Blaming the messenger is a common tactic for diverting attention from the actual person who is doing something wrong
You did the right thing
A person calling out cheaters should be given an award since it’s the greatest social service.
NTA, technically, but yeah, it wasn’t your place. You put yourself in a tight spot at work. Quick question, though: If you feel you did the right thing, why hide?
NTA deny and say it wasn’t you.
NTA.
You did the right thing in the right way. Anyone that is mad at you is an AH.
TL;DR
No. She should know.
Doing it anonymously makes you the asshole
In my opinion. Imagine getting a message like that from some rando, practically cruel.
He’s not the asshole.
YTA. Don’t hate because he’s getting some and you’re not.
If we say YTA are you going to tell him you made it all up? Don’t worry you’ll get plenty of upvotes
Nta obviously, and any that say you are are cheaters!
Just because some people are moral sinkholes doesn’t mean they have any room to criticize you. You did the right thing.
NTA – you did the right thing. You did it anonymously to protect yourself. If people think it was you, there’s nothing you can do about that, but I wouldn’t care about the opinions of people that condone the behavior of a cheater.
I can’t believe that the HR person wasn’t fired. If she was a normal employee, that would be one thing maybe, but I would expect that an HR employee would be held to a higher standard because of the nature of their job.
Sort of like that woman that was caught on the kiss cam at the Coldplay concert.
If your going to cheat don’t do it in the office or a Coldplay concert.
The ones judging you are the ones who cheat themselves. Otherwise there is no way they would be upset with you. So I’d say that to them. They aren’t going to want to speak out after that comment.
NTA. It may not be your marriage but it is your workplace. If he didn’t want anyone at work telling his spouse he shouldn’t have gotten sloppy about the affair showing at work. He made you party to his affair without your consent. That’s on him. You never promised him you’d stay quiet.
NTA – Unfortunately, you are facing backlash for your honesty even though you did this anonymously. Just act like you have no idea what was going on with Dan and the HR person. The only good part of this is that you know that any one who calls you a snitch is not to be trusted.
NTA. Morally you did the right thing. But there is always an added layer of complexity when it’s a work environment. It’s not like a friend group you can choose to avoid or defend yourself properly.
It sucks to be put in a conflicted position like that. That’s why I try to avoid work drama as much as possible. I am Switzerland.
NTA
Cheaters should get outed. Period. And an HR person participating in something like that? She shouldn’t BE in HR anymore, clearly she has shady morals.
NTA. Anyone who gives you shit for this is a bad person and you don’t need to give any thought to their comments. You did the right thing.
I’m assuming this is AI because Sara is Dan’s wife but at the same time you all know they’re dating according to paragraph 2.
Nta. Those who are calling you a snitch are cheaters themselves. As only cheaters would have issues with this.
Snitching is when you tattle tale about something small and minor. This culture of snitches and not your business on exposing cheaters and liars needs to go away.
NTA
Cheaters deserved to be called out. If you don’t want people commenting on your affair be less brazen about cheating on your spouse. Like the only thing they had left to do was get those corny t shirts that couples wear.