I (16F) am currently living with my mum, her boyfriend, his two kids (14F,17M) and my older brother (19M). I usually call his daughter my step-sister because it’s a lot easier for me.His daughter( who I will call Clara) has autism and tends to not clean up after herself, last night I went to go get in the bath and the door was closed so naturally I knocked and asked what’s wrong, Clara says she clogged the toilet, I told her to use the toilet scrubber to get it down and she said she made it worse. I told her to let me in so I could help and not surprisingly it was a mess. I spent about 10-15 minutes unclogging it to the best of my ability which also lead to me getting backsplash of shit water onto my face while she went downstairs and did nothing ,I also did not get a thank you which is why I’m a little more made than I should be. Later that night Clara knocks on my door telling me she’s messed her hair up so I tell her to let me look and see that she has used my curly hair products as well as my diffuser without my knowledge, I told her what to do and even showed her but she asked me to do it for her which I did since I have trouble saying no but I ended up helping her with it and with the products and diffuser. I then this morning told my mum and told her I want stuff because I did that (mainly the clogged toilet thing) and she said that I just need to learn to say no. I agree that I don’t like saying no but this isn’t the first time I’ve had to clean up after her. She leaves bowls on the table, mugs, wrappers, her art supplies which she leaves me to clean up if we are doing it together. I know she’s probably doing it unintentionally but I don’t want to speak up because our families just moved in together and I don’t want to cause anything.
So AITAH? (And any nice advice would be appreciated also forgive me if I’ve posted in the wrong subreddit!!)
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I (16F) am currently living with my mum, her boyfriend, his two kids (14F,17M) and my older brother (19M). I usually call his daughter my step-sister because it’s a lot easier for me.His daughter( who I will call Clara) has autism and tends to not clean up after herself, last night I went to go get in the bath and the door was closed so naturally I knocked and asked what’s wrong, Clara says she clogged the toilet, I told her to use the toilet scrubber to get it down and she said she made it worse. I told her to let me in so I could help and not surprisingly it was a mess. I spent about 10-15 minutes unclogging it to the best of my ability which also lead to me getting backsplash of shit water onto my face while she went downstairs and did nothing ,I also did not get a thank you which is why I’m a little more made than I should be. Later that night Clara knocks on my door telling me she’s messed her hair up so I tell her to let me look and see that she has used my curly hair products as well as my diffuser without my knowledge, I told her what to do and even showed her but she asked me to do it for her which I did since I have trouble saying no but I ended up helping her with it and with the products and diffuser. I then this morning told my mum and told her I want stuff because I did that (mainly the clogged toilet thing) and she said that I just need to learn to say no. I agree that I don’t like saying no but this isn’t the first time I’ve had to clean up after her. She leaves bowls on the table, mugs, wrappers, her art supplies which she leaves me to clean up if we are doing it together. I know she’s probably doing it unintentionally but I don’t want to speak up because our families just moved in together and I don’t want to cause anything.
So AITAH? (And any nice advice would be appreciated also forgive me if I’ve posted in the wrong subreddit!!)
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> I asked my mum for something in return after cleaning up after/ helping my ‘step-sister’ who is autistic.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
If my sister got poop water on her face helping me, I’d be making her a whole cake and saying thank you 50 times. You’re not wrong for wanting something in return. Honestly surprised your mom didn’t back you up
NTA. As you stated, the families just moved in together. If you do not start learning how to say no, this will be your life from now on. Go get your mum, or better yet, her dad, and have him clean up his daughter’s mess. You should nip this in the bud, before it becomes the norm that you do everything for her. And trust me, that will happen if you do not resist.
YTA unless someone is actually making you clean up after her. Clara can and should learn to clean up after herself, and you doing it for her is not allowing her to learn a useful skill that she needs to learn in order to navigate life.
You’re not TA, but you really do need to learn to say no. If you continue to do stuff for your sister, she’ll never learn to do anything for herself. You’re doing her a disservice by enabling her behavior. Autism is no excuse; your sister is perfectly capable of learning basic household and self-care tasks.
NTA. It’s fair to feel upset you unclogged a nasty mess, got no thanks, and she also used your stuff without asking. You’re not wrong for wanting recognition or even something in return. But your mom’s right that learning to say “no” is important. Clara might not mean harm, but it’s not your job to constantly clean up after her.
I don’t know what you mean by “stuff” but I am assuming it’s things you want her to buy you. Rather than telling her you want stuff, ask for an allowance. Also, saying no isn’t a solution either because who wants to use a clogged toilet. Btw, good on you for doing that and helping her with her hair. She obviously has special needs since in your mind she’s not doing it on purpose or being lazy. Instead, go get her father and tell him she clogged the toilet. You helping you’ve done on your own cause you’re a good person. That doesn’t entitle you however to want stuff by asking outright. You want to keep the peace which is admirable but you can say to her father, I have a question for you. And ask him how you should handle it just to see where he stands.
ESH. If you have trouble saying no because you want to be nice or liked, you’ll be walked over all your life. Your mom needs to say something to her dad or you need to. Autistic or not, your stepsister needs to learn manners and self-suffiency.
Yeah, definitely the asshole… for not charging a service fee. Plumbing and salon work in one night? You’re a whole business
NTA
My older sister had a habit of borrowing things from me without asking. She borrowed a pair of my jeans, tried to walk out of the house, and I made her take them off. We got into a huge screaming match about her, wearing my pants. She said she had nothing clean and I told her it wasn’t my fucking fault
You might not want to take the approach I did, which was to make every time she touched my shit the most unpleasant situation ever for everyone involved. I would ask once for her to stop doing it, and then it would be screaming.
My mom tried to get me to calm down, try to get me to “share because that’s what sisters do” and I told her to stop.
My advice is to remove anything from the bathroom that you don’t want her to touch and keep it in your room and tell her she needs to ask her parents for help.
Definetely NTA. It sounds like you stepped up to help in situations that were uncomfortable and didn’t even get a thank you. Wanting some acknowledgment for that isn’t unreasonable.you have been patient and have always been helpful so it makes sense you felt taken for granted
NTA but you need to realize she’s probably completely unaware of how this is affecting you. Stop cleaning up after and you need to understand there is nothing wrong with you saying no. The sooner you realize that the better. She may throw a fit but that’s not on you that’s on her dad to handle. You don’t just do whatever she wants that’s not helping her at all. Just stand up for yourself you aren’t being mean.
In my opinion, you’re NTA for feeling this way but your mom is right- you do have to learn how to say no. It took me a long time to figure this out as an adult and I wish adults taught me in my teens that saying no is okay. If your step sister has autism, chances are likely that, like you said, she is not intentionally trying to irritate you but just eating those feelings can ultimately cause unintended resentment on your end. If saying no isn’t going to happen right away, at least find a compromise and minimize your involvement. I can’t help you unclog this toilet but I can go get (her dad/your mom) so he can help you. Or I can help you with your hair this one time but you’ll have to learn yourself after this. Simply don’t pick up her bowls, only your own. Ask your parents to show her how to help clean up when you two are sharing an activity like art supplies. Eventually you will learn to say no completely when you need to or not make other people’s responsibilities your own. I’m not saying don’t try to be a nice step sister and understand that autism comes with limitations, but don’t overwhelm yourself with what should be your parents responsibility. Handling your own and doing what is expected of you for yourself in order to succeed in life is what should be your main priorities and your mom seems to understand this because she seems like she’s not forcing you to interact with situations you don’t want to be responsible for. I wish you the best OP! You are closer than you think to a future on your own if you remember to put your priorities and own responsibilities first! Take care of your mental health, always!
You just need to communicate better so she knows what she has to do. Talk to her instead of just doing it and learn to say no, she does have a parent right. Let it default to her own parent when she has needs or needs help.
NTA.
But… instead of asking for stuff.. ask your mum “Where is the line here? You say to say no, so I am going to do that, but I need you to back me up when I do… ok?” and then… start saying no. Next time your step sister clogs the loo say “I’ll get your dad for you” and leaves the art stuff out “It’s your turn, I did it last time” and walk away. It can be easier sometimes for a person with ASD to have clear lines drawn “I will do it this time, you will do it next time, we will take turns” can be easier than the nebulous “you do some, I do some”. Get a carry basket for your hair products and take them to your room – explain to your step sister “You hair needs thes products, I wish my hair was straight like yours! different hair needs different things… let’s sort yours out with the right stuff for yours” and so on. Just gently explain, and put small barriers in the way.
Hopefully this settles as you all get used to living together.