I (27 F) am a graduate student. I work at a coffee shop and started about a month ago. My boyfriend (35 M) told me that he was excited to visit me “all the time”. I asked him to wait a few weeks to visit as I was learning the ropes and getting accustomed to the job. He visited me this week and it was sweet to see him. He loved the food, but he did stare at me the entire time he was eating in. My coworkers jokingly said “oooh” as I was walking back from saying goodbye to him. My next shift he asked if I wanted him to come visit. I told him no and he got really upset. We have been arguing on and off about it and I’m honestly unsure if I’m the weird one. Some relevant context is that I used to be a server and had to talk to him about coming in a few times a week. I told him I didn’t want my boss to say anything and that I was busy working. My perspective: I’m new and don’t want to be labeled as “weird” for having my significant other constantly around. We can’t hangout, I’m working. I don’t want it to ever be an issue where it needs to be addressed with my boss. His perspective: he feels like I don’t want to see him or am embarrassed. AITA?
AITAH for asking my bf not to visit my work numerous times a week
r/AITAH
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Just tell him it’s unprofessional. Every now and then is fine, but he needs to get a life.
I worked in restaurants for 10 years in just about every front of the house (and a few BoH) positions. I never liked have partners come to “hang out.” It was OK if they were dropping something off or picking something up, but the smart ones always deferred to business – if folks are busy, they move on and leave.
Bfs or Gfs are a distraction and they keep folks from concentrating on what they were hired to do.
NTA, but your BF sure is.
NTA- It’s kinda stressful honestly
My dad would drop in on me at this sandwich shop I worked, bring his buddies
So awkward even tho it’s family it’s like, hey, I’m on the clock right now <.<“
I want to hug my folks but I don’t want my coworkers or my dad’s work buddies making faces
And honestly, I don’t want to be thinking about home when I’m supposed to be working, I wanna stay focused and all
I hope your BF understands, it’s not that you don’t want to see him
I don’t detect any AH’s, but your boyfriend is very, VERY clingy.
Nah, you’re not the asshole, you’re at work, not on a date. It’s not cute when it starts messing with your job. He’s gotta chill and respect your space, not hover like a sitcom stalker.
NTA.
You’re at work, not hosting a damn fan club. The man’s 35, not 15 why is he acting like a clingy high school boyfriend loitering around your job like it’s cute? Newsflash: it’s not. It’s weird.
Also, you already asked him once before in a previous job to chill with the pop-ins, so this isn’t new. He’s just ignoring your boundaries because he’s making it about his hurt feelings instead of basic respect.
I my opinion this is a bit overbearing. An SO doesn’t need to be involved in every facet of your life, at least to the extent he is pushing. I get where you’re coming from too with the context of this post. If he is eating in at your job then it obviously isn’t a quick “in and out” visit which may concern a boss if they think you’re being distracted from your duties at your job. I’d say you’re NTAH for asserting this boundary.
I believe there’s still time to address his insecurities. No one is the asshole YET but you both need to sit down and have a true heart to heart on why he’s upset. If he’s too insecure for you then it’s okay to move on. Make sure you first understand what saying no means to him, seek out a compromise to spend extra time together… If he’s not able to be vulnerable and clear then it’s time to walk away. Make sure you say that bluntly. Don’t be afraid to have a whole spine during this conversation because it’s very important…
Edit: Why does he feel like you’re embarrassed of him, It’s not something you’ve done but something that he’s struggling with… Ask him… Ask his opinion on what compromises could be made to make him feel more secure? Listen to him… Both parties deserve to be respected. Allow him to be the man and ask him how he can make it so that you feel comfortable and he feels comfortable and let him troubleshoot it for you to see what solutions he comes up with again.
NTA. This shouldn’t be an issue. That’s a red flag to me…
On a personal note, it’s weird controlling behavior. It’s not sweet. It’s a way to monitor you. Doing it at your job is so unprofessional and I don’t care if you’re cleaning floors, a barista, or a CEO. Bringing your personal life to work can get you is a job killer and your boyfriend showing up when you asked him not to is the definition of bringing your personal life to work.
He’s a 30-year-old man acting like an 18-year-old boy. I don’t know how long you’re been dating, but his behavior is disgusting and controlling. He’s either a massively insecure or really entitled. Neither one of them means he’s any type of good guy. I can watch out because it seems to me like he wants to get you fired so you have to be reliant on other people. NTA
He should only be visiting if you ask him to. NTAH
I’m sorry, but your boyfriend being this clingy at the age of 35 is a HUGE red flag for me. For me, speaking from experience, it seems like he wants to keep coming in to keep an eye on you….in a controlling way. It makes me uneasy that he couldn’t even respect your boundaries about him not coming in immediately.
A friend of mine lost a job because her bf was always coming by.
Even if she ignored him and tried to work it annoyed everyone else.
NTA.
You can fuck around and get fired for something like that. He will be labeled and considered a distraction. Tell him grow up and you’ll see him at home.
NTA. It’s your job and it’s inappropriate for him to be visiting all the time.
I find this very clingy which is not healthy. Maybe he can come once a week at the end of your shift to pick you up.
Why isn’t HE at work? How does he have all this time to “visit” you at yours? NTA. He sounds clingy and insecure. Stand your ground or it will just get worse.
Is he trying to get you fired? Tell him in no uncertain terms that he can only come in when you let him know that he’s welcome.
Nta it’s creepy and honestly the fact that he didn’t listen to you is alarming
Most places of employment have clauses against significant others visiting at work. They will usually overlook the occasional visit but daily or even multiple times a week is gonna get you fired.
Look out to make sure this is only clingy, and isn’t controlling and abusive too.
Does he not have a job?
He’s a little old to be under the impression that hanging out at your work or visiting frequently is appropriate. I stop by my wife’s work occasionally to maybe say hi or pass along information in person, but I don’t sit around like a needy puppy. She needs to be able focus when she’s at work, and so do I.
So is he controlling in other ways? Does he complain about guys flirting with you? This is giving me control freak and possible abuser vibes since he got upset when you asked him to not come.
NTA.
Does he want you dropping in at his workplace to hang out? It’s weird and unprofessional.
Woah! Way too clingy. I couldn’t handle that.
NTA hes clingy and controlling
Why does that grown man have so much time on his hands that he can just come watch you at work? Aka make sure you’re acting accordingly? Red flag. 🚩
NTA his behavior is a little controlling, clingy and creepy.
No assholes here. But he is a needy boy.
There are several explanations for this, and none of them are good. I had a bf do this at a bookstore where I worked, and in his case he wanted to keep track of the men who might chat me up and just be a “presence”. After I banished him he’d sit in his car in the parking lot during my shift. I noped out after that. Never compromise your autonomy for someone’s else’s comfort; there is no acceptable set of circumstances where he should be allowed to haunt you while you’re at work.
That’s stalkery. I’m sure he doesn’t want people thinking he’s a stalker, does he?
He’s giving off controlling vibes and I’d consider this a red flag for potential future abuse.
I’ve always loved it when mine came to my work. He spent $. My bosses loved it. I don’t get it. Shalom you’re loved 💔
He’s being weird. You need to establish boundaries asap.
🚩
Nta. You probably don’t want to hear this, but, combined, the age gap and him having a history of spending too much time at your job is a red flag for a control freak.
NTA-
I actually dated someone like this for YEARS and it’s very clingy behavior. It’s cute if it happens very occasionally at random times and maybe he drops you off a snack or drink from somewhere else but to make it a routine thing is weird. I’ve also worked with people in fast food that had this problem and my first solution is to leave while you can esp if you guys haven’t been together long💀 unfortunately stuff like that gets even worse unless he gets genuine help for it. I don’t see it as him wanting to hang with you at work as much as he wants to see who and how you’re interacting with other people that aren’t him.
He’s going to cause you to get fired. You’re there to work, not see your boyfriend
NTA.. Your boyfriend is insecure. He’s watching to see if you’re speaking with other men.
He disregards your boundaries and makes you uncomfortable at your place of work.
If that was a colleague, would you put up with it?
No.
Now imagine the person who is supposed to love and support you is doing that.
Oh.
And he’s decided to make it about him??
He sounds quite pathetic.
And controlling.
You are most definitely NTA and you need a better BF.
NTA, tell him that you want to see him when you are not working not when you are working and that he may come in no more than once a month and that you might not be able to talk to him when he comes in because you are at work. Your boyfriend has attachment issues.
How excited will he be if he gets you fired. He’s either totally immature, naïve or controlling. Either way you lose.
NTA. Honestly, this is your job. This isn’t something that should be a discussion. He needs to not be at your job. If he gets upset he can’t visit you at work, he has to go. He is a child. Walk away and don’t look back. The fact you let him get away with this shit at your previous job, tells him he can keep doing it.
Reminds me of a girl I knew who bartended. Her boyfriend would literally sit at the end of the bar for her entire shift. He would act weird and was taking away from her tips. As you can imagine female bartenders who are attractive get alot of attention from the patrons. Attention equals tips. He was actually cutting into her income due to his insecurity.
These are early signs of someone with control issues
Radar should be on high alert.
You got yourself a clinger.
Yea, that sounds more controlling than anything ….
He just needs to grow up. It is exceptionally weird to have a boyfriend show up all the time and stare at you while you work. His creepy behavior was already an issue at another job.
NTAH, and I think he has an insecurity problem, and maybe trust issues. You should tread carefully.
Tell him he can’t hang out where you work. You don’t want to lose your job.
He’s old enough to know better. You’re in grad school and will be moving into some professional job when you’re done. You don’t want him hanging out when you’re giving a presentation at your professional job. I’m not sure why you are dating a guy like this.
NTA- He’s controlling AF! Does he not have a job or something else to do while you’re working? Anyway, it sounds like you need to get away from him ASAP!
A dog who guards their food too zealously would bite their feeder.
NTA. His behavior is problematic.
No AH here however your boyfriend’s behavior is a little concerning. Does he not trust you? Does he have some separation anxiety ? I’d say that’s something to work on together to keep your relationship healthy.
NTAH but your boyfriend isn’t being clingy, he’s being EXTREMELY controlling. He’s ignoring all normal boundaries. OP, please see his behavior as the huge red flag 🚩🚩🚩 it is. If you want to live your life, not his, get out while you can. His behavior will only get worse.
NTA.
Your boyfriend is though.
Hrs hanging around your work because he is insecure and wants to control you, he’s letting you know he’s always watching. It’s only a matter of time before he kicks off about how you smiled at man as you took his order and accuses you of wanting to shag half the customers.
WTF is this dude so insecure? Why is there a need to go visit your SO weekly at work don’t you guys see each other at home or on dates? This is so weird I would not want my SO at work at all I have thinks to do at work I can’t be paying attention to them like that. At home you have my undecided attention at work please don’t.
He’s 35? Wtf? No, you cannot come to my place of work and stare at me. Yes, that is embarrassing because it is unprofessional. Run. NTA
>We can’t hangout, I’m working.
I’d say this is the issue you need to address. I’m sure it would be completely okay if he showed up and got a coffee and muffin to go. I think it might even be okay if he slipped you a little love note with the cash. I suspect it’d even be okay if he sat down and just drank his drink like a normal human.
Unfortunately he’s creeping. You’re being paid to pull coffee, not go on a date.
Ask him if he’d feel it was okay for any other guy to be doing that to you at your place of work. If not, then he needs to knock it off.
He’s the problem.
Tell him you’re going to start visiting him at work instead.
🎶someone doesn’t trust you🎶
NTA if he were 15 it would be kind of cute. 35 its creepy.
NTA tell him to go get a life while you’re working. If you were working in a secure office building he wouldn’t be allowed to just walk in and sit and stare at you. So he doesn’t need to stalk you at work now.
It IS weird, especially since you’re new. Once youve been there a while and you learn slow times and know cool coworkers who won’t talk shit to management… Fine have him come chat with everyone. Til then, he needs to go fill his time elsewhere.
Buddy needs to grow up.
NTA. I think it’s sweet he wants to come see you, but work isn’t a hang out spot. Me & my GF are really clingy (we’ve spent maybe 10 days total apart in the 2 years we’ve been dating) but I made it a boundary for her to not visit my work ever (I work at a restaurant) except for the one or two times it was slow af and I texted her to stop by so I could cook for her and say hi and meet my coworkers
Sounds like someone is insecure 🤔.
Huge red flag. This is neither cute nor sweet. You’re at work. He doesn’t trust you, so he has to watch you all the time. Doesn’t he have a job? Classes? Hobbies? This is pure icky. Does he accompany you to buy groceries? Find a way to interrupt phone calls with your friends and family? Think about how often you’re “allowed” to do something or go somewhere without him. Obviously, not work.
He should know better at his age. It does not look professional, and you are going to get a weird reputation at work. Maybe even get written up or “spoken to” about it.
NTA
Nobody needs to be camping at their bf or gf job,not even if you were married.
This guy seems to be idk insecure ? Or lost ? You have a right to work in peace without him bothing you. He shouldn’t need to see you there. Good luck hun.
Yeah, that’s weird of him to do. I mean occasionally is whatever, but too regularly is weird.
I’m sorry but something is wrong with him. He stalking or too clingy, you can’t even breathe at work. I just can’t imagine living with him.
If he still disagrees with you on this, show him the comments on this post.
Cut him loose it’s going to get really weird if you keep him in your life.
NTA! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA An old coworker of mine didn’t have a car so her husband would always pick her up and drop her off from work. Perfectly fine. But they would linger out front or in their car, sometimes making out. Very unprofessional. She was a woman in her 40’s acting like a teenager. I work in real estate and one of the agent’s assistants also got called out on that by her boss as she regularly would be making out outside of the building.
Even during lunch, you’re a representative of your company, especially in the building or right out side. Your boyfriend is old enough to where he should understand that. Sounds like he’s an immature man, dating a younger woman in hopes you’re as immature as he is. But clearly you aren’t, since you’re smart enough to realize this is an issue.
He’s jealous and controlling. He’s making sure you don’t meet people esp men that’s why he stares at you. It’s to intimidate you. Don’t take it as, wow he really loves me. NTA. But get away from him. This is love bombing.
Why isn’t he at work? How does he have all this free time?
NTAH, but BF is for not respecting you or your boundaries.
Go stare at him while he works and see how he feels 🙄
Sorry but what does this 35 year old teenager do for a living that he is able to visit you like this so frequently? Regardless, he’s not taking your work seriously enough to respect your boundaries. And now I’m curious to know how he acts at other times when you are away from him?
NTA
You could possibly lose your job if he keeps hanging out there. I doubt if you go hang out at his job.
You saying that your boyfriend is clingy and always wants to come to your job. What’s he doing there when he comes why is he visiting so often and doesn’t he have his own damn job why the f*** is he always at yours. Tell him don’t come to your job unless you ask him to it’s very unprofessional and very inappropriate. I believe that he’s just trying to keep an eye on you because there is no reason for a significant other to keep coming to their significant others job. Seems like a red flag to me let me see what she’s doing cuz I don’t want anybody at the job talking to her especially of the opposite sex so I’ll come to her job and watch her really this is what we’re doing for me
Im sorry to say this, but move on from him. This is so cringy to me.
NTA. That would get old fast.
It’s like people I work with text their wife all the time on email. Like you’re at work, chill.
Sounds controlling tbh
He needs to grow up. That is unprofessional. And he should know it’s under the salon.
NTA I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a rinse and repeat of his past relationships.
nta he needs to leave you alone to work
NT, he could cost you the job. This is no appropriate.
He’s jealous, and that’s gross. I am a server and have been for years. My ex husband used to pull that shit. He doesn’t want to visit you, he wants to watch you.
What’s wrong with this guy? Tell him to get a life
That’s not love, that’s controlling. Doesn’t HE have a job? I encourage to see I seriously reconsider this relationship
You are not the AH, he is in the wrong. Is not fair that he puts you in that position and he has no right to get mad.
I’d tell you to go to his job every time you can si he can understand, but since he has that much time I’m not sure if he does work (sorry, I’m being rude but I really can’t believe his reaction). But yeah, if he does work, go there every free day you have and let’s see how he reacts…
This is not sweet. It is controlling. He is sabotaging your job and trying to get you in trouble, if not fired. I am freaked out for you. He’s 35 and acting like this???
He’s weird for wanting to do this. It does make you look bad. I would tell him not to visit.
NTA. Visiting you on every shift would make you look unprofessional. It could also make your relationship him with look suspicious. People may see him as controlling and stalking you. Last thing you want is a concerned person calling the cops to talk to him while you’re working.
Nta tell him to stop by once a week and no more. Doesn’t he have a job he need to give you room.
No significant other should be visiting the other’s work. Just don’t.
He seems controlling. The only other reason I could think about why he could be doing it is because he’s broke and he gets free food and drinks from you. Either way, his behavior is unprofessional towards you.
I do not like “drop ins”! At work, unacceptable and unprofessional.
Stage five clinger!