My fiance’s parents are loaded. Old money loaded. They can afford what I’m asking no problem.
I make very good money at my job. I’m currently 27 and earn over $170,000 USD a year. Tim is a teacher. He doesn’t make as much bit he has a trust fund so he works sort of as public service. It’s big in his family.
Recently I had a weird conversation with him and his folks. They think after the wedding I should quit working and be a stay at home mom. I thought they were joking and kind of laughed. They are perfectly serious. They think it’s emasculating that I earn more than Tim.
Over the course of my career I will earn much more than him. But his trust fund is low seven figures. He could afford to pay me what I earn yearly but he can’t due to the stipulations of his trust. His mom on the other hand has lots of interest built up in her trust.
So I offered a solution I thought was fair. They set up an unrecoverable trust for me. They must contribute my gross earnings yearly with bumps for anticipated raises and promotions. The deposits would be for the next 35 years. That was I’m a stay at home mom, Tim is the breadwinner, and I’m protected in the case of a divorce.
They went fucking nuts. Apparently I’m ridiculous for thinking they will give me money. I offered a compromise. I sign a prenup wherein I am entitled to half of
Tim’s trust fund in the case of divorce of I give up my career.
Also not acceptable to them. I’m kind of at a loss. Do they honestly think I would give up my career with zero safety net?
My mom says I’m being kind of rude putting everything in such stark monetary terms. I think I’m being reasonable. What do you think?
Comments
You are doing exactly as you should. Women are not moving backwards for mens egos to be stroked. They were comfortable telling you to uproot your life for Tim’s manhood but immediately uncomfortable when you asked for a safety net? NTA
NTA. You are being completely reasonable lol. They want a SAHM, they better pay for a SAHM.
YTA for not having this conversation with your partner.
If they want you to live by their rules, they should support you for real, not just talk about it.
Absolutely not the a hole. Fuck toxic masculinity!
She’s just mad you aren’t bowing down like an obedient “little girl” and standing up for your self worth
Old money is weird. They live by their own rules. They are not worried about a divorce because you are a possession to show off, like a nice car or watch. If Tim gets tired of you later, you should feel blessed he let you enjoy the time with his family he did. I work with a lot of these families, and it’s wild how they actually view people. They will do charities and say nice things to the public to keep up appearances. But you just got a first hand experience of what the true behind the scenes conversations look like.
Don’t quit your job, if they have a problem with it ensure the trust is setup in your name.
absolutely not. your financial safety is sacred and whoever doesn’t see that doesn’t wish you well. they might have all sorts of justifications, but they still fundamentally don’t wish you well and don’t care about you.
and whether you choose to have a career or not is absolutely none of their fucking business, the value of their opinion here is negative.
Your proposals didn’t fit their plan to totally control you and your husband and dole out money based on compliance with their instructions and ultimately being in charge of any children you have and so on.
Get that pre-nup. To protect YOU.
They made a suggestion.
You offered them options to make it work.
They didn’t like the offers anymore than you liked their suggestion..
You have talked to your husband about this, right?
NTA
If you find your career fulfilling and you are good at it, don’t give it up. It will be something that is yours and yours alone. You can figure out staying home when or if you have kids. You are being very smart to get an agreement in place.
NTA, they are asking you to give up financial security for him but don’t want him risk anything in return.
You are 27 making $170,000 a year, you are obviously good at what you’re doing and have put the work in.
This is the time that your fiancé should be standing up for you and shutting his family down, his response here should tell you everything you need to know about your future marriage.
Don’t do it, protect your future first.
NTA, but I assume there’s a prenup involved?
Don’t do it, protect your future and your life. What was your fiancés stand on this since he was part of the convo? They’re showing who they are now, you and him have to make a decision immediately about his parents and your job. I’m seeing red flags everywhere
NTA. If it’s emasculating that you earn more, that’s a problem your finance needs to handle himself. You have earned your career and pension. They cannot expect you to just give that up to save face. I’d seriously consider whether or not you want to be a part of a family like that. And Tim either needs to back you on what you want or decide himself if he’s okay with being “emasculated” 😳
Oh heck no – NTA!
I can sort of see where your parents are coming from (that it’s kind of rude) but the alternative options for how this conversation could have gone? I think you were very measured in your response and very rational. You have potential net worth that they are asking you to sacrifice – strike one. Strike two, is they are asking you to give up all of this with absolutely no safety net. Strike three is that they are offended by the idea that it is reasonable to expect you to want financial security and independence.
They’re absurd people. But OP…why did your partner not shut this conversation down? Does he agree with them that this is emasculating?
Because from where I’m standing, they’re definitely AHs but you may also have a significant partner problem if he’s opened the door to them trying to strongarm you into this.
Emasculating? Seriously?
If your fiance thinks the same I’d reevaluate the relationship. If not he should have told his parents to butt out a long time ago.
I’d be seriously re- thinking my entering this family.
Tell them you won’t tell them how to live their lives if they stop telling you how to live yours. Then, if you really want to marry this guy—do not stop working. Do not give up your career. Don’t do it.
Being a stay at home mom with no financial security if things go wrong is too big of a risk… I suggest you read this: Please don’t become a stay-at-home mother
You mention your partner was there during the conversation, what did he say to all of this? His family seems like a huge red flag to me, and he is part of it. If he did not defend your interest to his parents, are you sure you want to marry him? What kind og control will his family want to have over you if you even have kids? Or you want to go back to work someday? This is pretty scary to me, but I am stuck in an abusive relationship so I am very sensitive to those topics, but this does not seem normal to me, like at all.
If your partner does not have your best interest at all, which includes financial security of something ever goes wrong, then I think you should reevaluate marrying him. Be very careful if you decide to marry him. Get a prenup, a lawyer, and protect yourself.
What does your mom think you should do?
NTA. Do not get married without a prenup. The parents do not have to know. Also make it clear that your marriage is between you and Tim. Their wishes have no place in your relationship. Thank you very much.
NTA. What does your partner have to say about the arrangements you suggested? Did he show his family that he supports either suggestion?
NTA. But how aware are you that you’re making a choice to marry someone who is codependent? That can come with its own major drama and trauma with their toxic family, and open up a lot more cans of worms. Be prepared to step away or set up boundaries right away with your future spouse and move forward together. If they want to be your partner in life it’s not business, it’s a relationship. You are a career-driven person, self-sufficient and make a great income, and are fulfilling your inner potential as well as contributing to society. Do you even want children for yourself or for family? Don’t give yourself up for a relationship and take yourself down a regressive path when you’re already doing so well for yourself.
Go 50/50 with him. Sure, he wants less but he has a trust fund so…
You are awesome.
By the way. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who feels emasculated by me working and making a good life for myself. I’d lose respect for that person.
Keep working, Tim can be a SAHD, get a prenup and keep your earnings separate from them.
Tell them they are putting everything in stark monetary terms. It is also a bit funny that your fiancé’s ego doesn’t have any problems although he is living on his parents money. If he can accept that there shouldn’t be any problems for him earning less than his wife. But – why would you give up your career even f they paid you? If he has this trust money and you earn well why wouldn’t you just hire a nanny in case you have children? Or even with no children a housekeeper? You’d be probably bored to death if you were supposed to dedicate your whole life for only cookin’ dinners and redecorating your house. It doesn’t even seem that he’d need a wife to accompany him in social events – since he is not some CEO but a teacher. The big red flag is: Why would he not be immensly proud about having a successful and competent wife with a career and good salary? That would be my biggest concern and I’d reconsider the whole relationship if it’d mean I had to pretend being less. You’d be losing yourself and he’d also gradually lose his respect for you. Then you’d not be the person he fell for. Not a great basis for a happy marriage. This really is not just about money!
Good for you. Stick to your guns. He can watch the kids as he has a safety net.
I wish all young married women were as smart as you.
NTA
The rich really are different.
Another option is to tell your fiance that if you marry him and do what his parents want you to….the 2 of you will be living off his salary alone and his trust fund will be redesignated for your future children. Then go tell mom and dad money hoarders what will be will be.
I predict looks of horror and outrage. Possibly eventual capitulation to what you actually wanted all along.
This marriage is already doomed if in-laws are part of it.
Smells like a fake story, as there is no such thing as an unrecoverable trust
This is not how a healthy relationship works, you and your fiancé don’t involve others in your choices. Fuck that, I would not be in that dynamic.
NTA: this is the twenty fucking first century and you’re expected to behave like an indentured servant upon marriage? I don’t bloody think so. It’s PRE-NUP or NO-NUP.
So are they.
Nta you’ve made your life why should you have to make less because he got the easy life?
go with your gut on this
OP, I love you. This made me laugh, because this is the real monetary situation when women give up work, but no one wants to acknowledge that.
They’re living in another century.
The big question is: what does your fiancé think about all this? If the term ’emasculated’ was used, did it come from him? Better get that sorted out before you marry.
NTA.
NTA, you should question this entire relationship. You’re doing well without them, so walk away from a dude this insecure and spineless with his parents.
Updateme
Then don’t quit the job. Tell them to guarantee that he will never divorce you. See how that goes over.
>mom says I’m being kind of rude putting everything in such stark monetary terms.
And so are they. When your inlaws-to-be ask you to give up your career, they’re asking you to stop your income. That’s also monetary, although in the negative. Tell your mom to stay out of it.
If it were me, i would not get involved with this family unless you keep your career. They’re the type that use money as a carrot and that will never change. It’s all THEIR money and it will never be yours.
If he’s in agreement with them on this entire thing, I’d think twice before getting married.
NTA.
So they want you to give up making your own money but they also don’t want to give you money, where do they expect your money to come from exactly?
It’s a bit insulting they expect you to have to basically ask daddy if you want a new toy for the rest of your life.
I would keep your job.
After reading the heading, I came to say you are absolutely the a hole, and It’s cringe to ask your future in-laws for money. However, now that I’ve read it heck no you’re NTA. What exactly so you gain of you’re the only one giving up something. Use this as a preview of what’s to come in your marriage. Your fiance seems like a big letdown.
Refuse to get married without a 50/50 pre-nup over the trust fund and if you like your job keep working! You do not have to be a SAHM to appease anyone. If your fiancé is going to force either issue, well … at least you found out now before you actually married him.
Yes.. and at this point are low key insulted that you’re not grateful for their offer(of nothing).
NtA
Marriage is a financial transaction, don’t let them try and convince you otherwise
NTA, run, they’re trying to trap you, they don’t want to deal with their son.
In situations where a husband or family is pressuring one of my girl friends to stay home I ask this: what if he dies? It’s not always about divorce or someone leaving the other. What if there’s a horrific accident and you gave up your career? How will you provide? Could you walk back into your industry after years off? Not everyone can.
If there’s children we can assume there’s provisions for that, but what if there aren’t yet? Does his trust go to you in the event of his death, with or without kids? God forbid something happens, you need to be able to work. And in today’s world, taking time off knocks you out of competition in most cases.
NTA.
Have him pay for everything starting now, including a budget for entertainment, clothes, makeup, etc. and you work for the next X years, putting all your money in savings/investments. After the years you work making your typical salary, advise the company to direct deposit (pre-tax) a percentage of your pay so that your post-taxable salary is less than what ex brings home. Continue to live off what ex brings home and spend your money however you want. Evaluate whether a volunteer/non-profit/less strenuous position in your current career market would be appealing to you while you raise children (if you want to raise children) and do that for a while then go back to your other job if you feel like it.
Idk. I’m sure if you love your husband and he loves you, there’s a way to move forward without compromising morals.
NTA. “I shouldn’t have to give up my career just because my husband’s parents can’t deal with their own insecurities.”
I have to laugh here…What is your precious fiancé saying to this? NTA at all…and stick to your guns
Run the f away.
NTA
If they want you to be SAHM, then they can pay you to do so – if this is a problem for Tim though, you should just divorce him. What’s his take on all this – is this just is family complaining or him too?
You should be just as offended at the thought of giving up your career.
The future in-laws are nuts for thinking everyone should be stuck in the 1950’s. As long as your future husband doesn’t suck on a pacifier from mommy and stands up for you, they will have to deal with it.
NTA. If he can’t stand that you’re the breadwinner then he isn’t for you. Leave the drama for him and his mama. Find someone that truly appreciates your hard work.
Giving up 170 a year because of old world thinking. What maniacs.
Where’s “Tim” in all this? It’s all about how mumsy and daddy find it emasculating for their little boy’s ikkle girlfriend to earn more than him. But what’s his opinion? Other than yours, OP, it’s the only one that matters. So, has he been resentful of your earnings for the entirety of your relationship? Or is he just too spineless to tell his parents to get fucked?
If access to the fund is not an option then fiancé needs a different career to support you. MIL can just fuck off
I would find it very problematic if my fiancé felt emasculated by my career. If a man’s sense of manhood comes from keeping a woman’s career/success down that’s not the kind of man I’d want.
You are being reasonable to expect financial compensation for giving up your earning power. But I wouldn’t marry someone who feels so easily threatened.
Tell him he can be a stay at home dad but he has to sign a prenup to protect yourself.
NTA. You’re not being rude. You’re being practical, realistic, and resisting being taken advantage of by selfish, entitled people who want you to become less than a whole person in order to flatter their egos and enable their privilege. Gross.
That is insane. YTA- for asking for that money and they are the also AH for asking you to give up your career and saying it is embarrassing for you to make more money.. Your solution is completely nuts. Keep working and secure your own financial future and your husband can stay home since his wages are so much lower and he can still get his trust fund. That is the correct option to put out there
YTA. By offering a “compromise” you are acknowledging that his parents have decision making authority over your adult lives as a married couple. Simply entertaining the conversation was a bad move. You should have shut it down immediately by stating “discussions and decisions about our careers and family planning are private topics between the two of us.”
You’re a brilliant young lady!
If you have children, this will be a bigger disaster. Run. Do not walk. What a mess. At least you found out early enough to save yourself.
nta
What does your partner say about all this?
NTA. You are thinking with the clearest of thoughts. They need to either take you up on your suggestions or call off the wedding. They’re not thinking about YOU. They’re thinking about THEIR son and THEIR money. Continue to be wise. No matter how much money they have, you are entitled to the career of your choice, and you are not for sale.
NTA. very intelligently thought out, and don’t back down. Leaving a promising career to possibly never be able to break back in if things go belly up, with all his assists protected and you ended up with nothing, considering how often marriages go bad.
I love it.
What does Tim think? Does he think or does his parents do it for him?
NTA
At this point I would not trust them if they said they would pay you as you outlined. What if they pay you for a few years and then suddenly stop? You may get screwed being out of work for years and then having to try to go back. I do not think these are people you should give financial power over you. I was a stay at home mom for 8 years and then I found out my husband was cheating on me and spending crazy money behind my back. I’ve been financially devastated by someone I gave financial power too. Protect yourself. You are seeing the red flags and reacting accordingly.
Having a high earning wife is really a feather in your fiancé’s cap. That’s how he and his family should be looking at it. It shouldn’t emasculate him at all. The only emasculating thing I see is your fiancé living off mommy and daddy’s trust fund while piddling around with a “public service” job. (Edit: spelling)
Girl GOOD FOR YOU! NTA
NTA. BUT your issue is your future husband. You keeping your career should be not negotiable. Either he is OK with this or he is not. Sure a weird they pay you to be a SAHM seems “fair” but is that what you want? Marry someone who loves you for who you are, who backs you completely, and who aligns with your goals. Mommy and Daddy should not be part of your marriage.