My girlfriend has been separated for a while and currently is going through a messy divorce. Whenever she gets bad news or her ex pisses her off, she takes it out on me by speaking to me harshly or yelling at me for the littlest things. When I tell her that I feel she’s taking her problems out on me and what she’s doing hurts my feelings, she says that she has big girl problems, can’t worry about how the way she speaks to me makes me feel, and gets mad because she feels I am being selfish and making everything about me. I’m not trying to make everything about me but I can’t help the way I feel. Should I just shut up and accept it?
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My girlfriend has been separated for a while and currently is going through a messy divorce. Whenever she gets bad news or her ex pisses her off, she takes it out on me by speaking to me harshly or yelling at me for the littlest things. When I tell her that I feel she’s taking her problems out on me and what she’s doing hurts my feelings, she says that she has big girl problems, can’t worry about how the way she speaks to me or makes me feel, and gets mad because she feels I am being selfish and making everything about me. I’m not trying to make everything about me but I can’t help the way I feel. Should I just shut up and accept it?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I should be more understanding that her anger, while directed at me, has nothing to do with me and I should just accept it, move on, and focus on making her feel better.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, leave her and lever look back
NTA!
If you accept it now, you will have to accept it later. She is showing you right now how she deals with stressful/upsetting conditions. She may have ‘big girl’ problems but big girls deal with those problems in a far more mature way.
You deserve better.
Empathy and emotional regulation are not optional in healthy relationships. Just because someone is going through a hard time doesn’t give them the right to mistreat others
she is getting divorced for a reason. she may not be a good partner
> she says that she has big girl problems, can’t worry about how the way she speaks to me makes me feel
No wonder she’s going through a divorce.
> Should I just shut up and accept it?
Absolutely not. What you should do is get a new girlfriend.
NTA
NTA. You are sticking up for yourself and not being unreasonable.
She is not in a good place, and is taking out her frustrations on you. This is not healthy for either of you.
Belittling you when you bring up your concerns – especially if it happens consistently – is a giant red flag and you need to GTFO.
I don’t know how much time to you invested in this relationship, but you need to leave. The longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be.
NTA Run now! She is showing you exactly who and what she is. Believe her; this behavior is never going to change. She will never consider your feelings over her own and she will always find reasons to be awful when things are going perfectly for her. She is and will always be a narcissist. Cut her loose. You deserve better.
NTA
It doesn’t sound like you have a good relationship with your partner. It’s not ok for someone to take their emotions out on you. It’s not something you should accept. Everyone deserves better than that.
Well then she can “not” worry about how she treats you while you two are single…
NTA
You’re not selfish for expressing your feelings. Healthy relationships require mutual respect and understanding.
There is a reason why absolutely no one recommends you start a new relationship before you finalize your divorce. No one is their best self when under stress and any divorce, whether it’s amicable or not, is stressful.
I think you need to consider whether your GF has the bandwidth at the moment to be a good partner. NTA but their is probably a lot of truth to her mean remarks, her problems are a lot bigger than how she treats you and she’s not going to prioritize that issue anytime soon.
It’s almost like there’s a reason she’s getting a divorce.
NTA, do NOT shut up and accept it. You deserve better.
I know there’s memes floating around, “I’m sorry for what I said when I was hangry” or “Sorry I snapped at you, my sweater was crooked, the radio was too loud and my toast was too toasted.” And yeah, if it was a one off occurrence sure, you get a pass.
That’s not what she’s doing, her ex does something she doesn’t like, and she makes it everyone’s problem, every time it happens. That’s ugly, unfair, and cruel to you,
NTA. A big girl would acknowledge her mistake and apologize. An adult who loves and respects you would apologize and change their behavior. You’re questioning yourself because she’s manipulating you to put up with her unacceptable behavior. Why are you with this person?
NTA – DUDE RUN. She already has a failed marriage, and it’s messy too. I didn’t even have to finish the whole post to know it’s her fault too. She sounds like an awful human being. Does she have you complacent with sex or something? Never let anyone take their shit out on you. Period. Dump this pathetic child and go find a real woman. A quality woman does not take her shit out on others for any reason. You deserve better my friend 💯
Don’t accept this kind of behavior. You’re not the AH and should not be her emotional punching bag. You deserve better! She has big girl problems but won’t act like it. Sir, leave that toxic relationship. I see why the divorce is messy.
Wow no. NTA.
Taking the piss out on others is not acceptable, period. You pointing this out isn’t “making it abot you”, making it about you would be if you got pissed THAT she feels pissed at all, or talking about how her divorce proceedings inconvenience you.
There’s such a big difference between “baby, I’m in a really bad mood, I need to be left alone a bit please” and ” baby, I’m in a bad mood, WHY HAVE YOU LEFT THE CUP OUT ON THE COUNTER YOU *** ”
This would be a red flag already. But the demeaning “I’ve got big girl problems” really drives it home.
Ok so, let’s say she was not cheating at all, remove the cheating out of it just for the sake of this argument. With everything else you have said from the lack of intimacy, not having the respect enough to communicate with you, and not even putting in any effort at all to spend time with you?
Ask yourself, is this truly what I want long term or what I deserve?
I do think this sounds like she is mentally and emotionally checked out and it is likely she is cheating, but even without that there is enough to make me think it’s time to think of yourself for once and make the choice to leave and love yourself
I think you’re getting some bad advice here if I’m honest. There’s not enough context here to really dig into.
It’s not good that one of the ways she has to deal with the stress of her divorce is externalising it like this, but if you’ve been able to have a conversation about it and say how you feel, maybe it’s possible to develop a bit of a flag or safe word between you guys where you’re able to go “hey timeout” and ask what else can be done to help her. Maybe there’s nice things to do together.
Breakups and divorces are hard, there’s often so much to heal from, maybe there’s more to be done and conversations to be had around “hey what can we do together to make days dealing with divorce stuff easier”. Yes it’s condescending to say hey it’s big girl problems but like, that also indicates she feels you’re trivialising what she’s going through. So show you’re bigger than that and able to support her.
If it then still persists, then it’s more deep-seated and there’s potentially bad problems, but yeah just dismissing it as “RED FLAGS” feels a lot like people haven’t been in enough relationships with people who have had serious breakups to be honest.