So here’s what went down. I’m 25. He’s 26. We’ve been married for a couple years now. We live in a small apartment in a city that’s honestly too expensive for how much it sucks. I work part time while studying online, and he works full time. But somehow… I still do everything at home. Like, everything. Cooking. Dishes. Laundry. Trash. Grocery runs. Cleaning his nasty beard trimmings off the sink. Scrubbing the microwave after his spaghetti exploded. I even remind him to pay his mom’s damn bills because somehow that’s my job now too. And no, I don’t expect a parade. I’m not asking for roses every time I mop the floor. But a “thanks” wouldn’t kill him, right? Or even just… acting like he notices? The thing is, he doesn’t. Like, at all. He just comes home, plops on the couch, and acts like the place magically cleans itself. If I say something like, “Hey, I reorganized the kitchen today,” he barely looks up from his phone. Like, okay. Cool. Guess that didn’t matter. It’s not like I haven’t brought it up. I told him calmly that I feel invisible. I told him it really messes with me, feeling like my effort means nothing. And you know what he said? “You’re overthinking. It’s not a big deal.” Oh. Okay. So the hours I spend trying to keep our life running… not a big deal. Got it. But here’s the real kicker. The other day, his mom was over. I’d been cleaning since 7am because she always finds something to comment on.
She walks in, looks around, then says, “It’s about time you started keeping the place tidy.” I just stood there like what? Are you kidding me? My husband? Said nothing. Just laughed. Like that crap was funny. Like I didn’t just spend five hours bleaching grout for this woman. I lost it. Not yelling or throwing stuff, just firm. I told him, “I need you to start appreciating the work I put in. Because I’m drowning here. And the least you could do is not laugh when someone disrespects me in our own home.” He rolled his eyes. Rolled his damn eyes. Now he’s been distant. Like I’m the problem. Like I created drama for no reason. His mom? Still acting like she’s queen of the damn castle. And me? I feel like a maid. A ghost maid. So yeah… I asked my husband to acknowledge what I do around here. I asked him not to laugh when people treat me like crap. That’s it. AITAH?
Comments
You’re absolutely not the asshole wanting basic respect and appreciation for keeping your shared life functioning is the bare minimum, not some unreasonable demand.
Well now you know how it’s going to be. The question is, is this what you want? Because I don’t see anything’s going to change.
NTA. time for him to do all the household chores. Grey Rock the heck out of his mum next time she visits.
NTA, not even close
It’s one thing to not notice or appreciate things but to laugh when your mom disrespects your wife?
That’s just messed up. I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship if my partner did that. It’s not about the chores themselves, it’s about respect.
NTA. Asking your husband to not his mom disrespect you for something he knows he doesnt help with is the bare minimum.
Stop cleaning and asking for acknowledgement.
If he doesnt appreciate, he can help you.
If he thinks mom’s little quips are funny then he can clean to her standards and see how nice it is.
Refuse to clean up after him. Remind him of a mess hes left behind.
Refuse to do his laundry.
Tell him to put a partial lid on saucy dishes hes heating up in the microwave and/or clean it right away if he “forgets.” It should be easy clean if he cleans it immediately. That he lets it dry so that you have to scrub it clean is an insult.
Next time his mom talks shit let her know she raised the slob who doesnt help so she can shove her old lady pride where the sun dont shine.
Long term this is enough to leave a person for if he doesnt change his attitude and/or clean up after himself. But idk, maybe there are qualities hes good at and noce about. Seems to be basic lack of respect.
NTA, only clean up after yourself, wash your clothes only. Let him see how much you actually do by leaving his stuff pile up! Cook only for yourself too. Yes he works full time but you work part time and study and still manage to get everything done! Don’t feel bad for not cooking and cleaning for him, let him learn!
You’re not wrong for wanting to feel seen and respected. If he can’t even say thank you, that’s a big problem.
NTA but is appreciation really all you need? Are you fine with him being a lazy slob and you doing everything in the household, as long as he sees it?
Did you not live together before getting married because if so….why did you marry this person?
Youre 25. Imagine dealing with this for 50 more years. I met my perfect partner when i was in my mid 30s. Just sayin…
he has shown you who he is and why on earth would he change anythng this current arrangement is working out perfectly fine for him
Being single is not the worst thing in the world. I can’t think you would want to waste any more time in this farce of a marriage.
Conveniently forget to remind him to pay her bills. I’m petty.
Rolling his eyes at your distress is contempt. Contempt is a death sentence for a relationship. You are your own person and you can do what you want but you deserve better. Keep telling yourself that until it wakes you up so you can move on from this weasel and the snake he was born from. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
NTA. This is absolute child behavior. It’s wearing you down now imagine how you’ll feel 5, 10, 15 years from now. Basic respect and pulling his own damn weight is the only way you’ll stay sane being married to him.
NTA and I believe the common parlance here is “bangmaid” if you want to find some camaraderie
NTA but why do you want to be married to him? serious question.
you will be TA if you have kids with this manchild
Do people not clean as they go anymore?
shave? clean the sink up afterwards.
Brush your teeth? rinse the sink afterwards.
Vacuum once a day (20 mins max) – tbf thought, i got a robot vacuum fairly recently and it vacuums 3x a day so i no longer need to vacuum.
Mop once a day (easily 10 mins)
cooked? clean up after yourself right away. Heck i clean my pots immediately after dinner, wipe up the stove, sink, and counters & island every night. Deep cleaning only needs to be done like maybe every 3 months and thats when we clean the fridge, dust, clean the bathroom, wash the windows; stuff like that. 🤷♀️
If you dont have kids, may be consider divorce seriously if he doesnt clean up his act.
Look, I’m going to level with you. He won’t change.
Just put up until you finish your studies and get a well paying job. Then leave him for someone who earns a lot of money. Don’t put up with this arrangement if, at the end of 20 years, you can’t buy your own house mortgage free with the divorce settlement money.
Why not get a backbone and get him to pitch in and help? You’re 25, you really want to do this forever? What happenes when you have kids? Please please please demand better or leave! Having a man isn’t the best thing inn the world!
NTA. You are entitlted to respect and all that however, how long have you been with him doing this, without bringing it up? If you’ve allowed him to just let you do everything for him quietly and dutifully for a few years, then it’s partially on you for not bringing it up earlier.
Now you’re fighting against established habits, even if you didn’t intend for them to become like that. Maybe you’ll find out something ugly like he’s been watching ANdrew Tate videos quietly for the last couple years and now is a totally different guy than you met. But you need to have a formal talk about it.
Make a list of chores and responsibilities. Do it together and to both standards.
Just stop doing anything for him, cook for yourself, clean what you use, wash only your clothes, don’t pick up after him. Be the invisible one he treats you as, you’re drowning because you are carrying his dead weight so do yourself a favour and let it go and see if he will wake up and pull his head out of his ass if he doesn’t maybe its time to walk away.
Why do you care what your mil thinks about your tiles? If my wife found time to reorganize the kitchen, I wouldn’t care unless I couldn’t find something. Plus you said it’s a small flat. How long does it take you to clean it? Sounds like you have a problem besides your partners slovenly attitude. Saying that, it doesn’t bode well for your future
This sounds like you are married to my ex. I did have a wonderful MIL. I felt like he went from his mother to me being the mother after we married. He lived with her until we married. Instead of coming home from school and sitting in front of the TV, now it was come home from work and sit in front of the TV. The cleaning, meals, and laundry were all provided for him, and I worked 65 hour weeks to his 40. When I asked for help, I got 3 days of the silent treatment. I refused to have kids because I already had one. That marriage was 25 years too long.
AI slop. Nothing to see here.
He’s an inconsiderate Pig and his mother is ….well I won’t say it…
You are a doormat, sorry to say.
He will never change, because he just doesn’t care….
Please find your self respect.
You deserve much, much more than he will ever give you.
Your a martyr. Stop being a martyr, it’s a step away from being a loser.
Step up and become an adult. Stop treating your husband like a toddler. He was obviously a man child when you married him, now deal with it.
NTA. I’m married to a currently SAM. Even so, I pick up a few chores because:
This is my situation, and you haven’t mentioned kids, so it probably doesn’t entirely apply to you, but you get the idea.
Receiving acknowledgement is really the bare fucking minimum. If it doesn’t gross you out, go on strike for a week or two, see how he likes it. (But control room is telling me that I’m being petty)
NTA but you married this dickwad. This is you for the rest of your life if you let it be
Why are you still with this man? Find a roommate who will clean up after themselves and focus on your studies instead of spending all your energy cleaning up after this disrespectful loser
NTA.
Not the ass hole, but you’ve got to stop doing it all. Whatever thing actually bugs him, stop doing it for him.
Let’s hear his side of the story…
You are his partner not his mom or his maid. Its not your job to remind him to pay someone else’s bills. Stop doing it. Yall need to sit down and divide out the chores. Working full time doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have to help at home. Yes, there might be some days but not every single day. Put your foot down. Know your worth. Don’t bust you ass for someone that is only taking advantage of you.
Was he helping before you got married? IF not, that seems like something that should of been discussed.
You aren’t a wife, you are a bang-maid to a mamma’s boy.
So just clean your own stuff and don’t be his maid.
NTA
Nta. Stop doing things for him. Stop reminding him about his mum’s bills. Don’t buy Christmas/birthday presents for him for his family. Don’t do anything for him anymore, and take a backseat on cleaning. But use him for now.
Focus on your studying. Study very hard. Work forwards getting a great degree and then a great job. Then once you’re set with a great job and good money coming in where you can provide for yourself, divorce him. He is currently using you as a maid. Use him as a bank. Fairs fair. Then you’re free.
Definitely do not have children. They won’t help the situation.
Please for the love of god do not have children with this man.
Just leave dude. Pack your shit and leave. Let his mom clean up after him.
NTA.
Marriage counseling. Don’t procreate with him. And if you think that him saying ty or whatever for everything will make it better… it will not give you the satisfaction you think it will. Take care.
GIRL YIU NEED TO LEAVE HIM!!! NOW!! AND DO NOT HAVE ANY KIDS WITH HIM!! OR YOU WILL BE STUCK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH AN ASSHOLE!!! HE WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE THE MORE YOU STAY!! HE WILL NOT CHANGE UNLESS HES FAKING IT!! YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE BETTER !! HE DOESNT LOVE YOU YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE BETTER!!! I REPEAT YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE 100000 TIMES BETTER!!! this happened to my mother and your ugly man sounds like my pos(derogatory) father and I’ve seen this story play out with other ppl ik like 100000 times
Well you are his working bang maid.
Stop doing everything. Have a serious talk. If he is not willing to change anything, reevaluate your marriage. It will get worth if you have kids.
Don‘t ask for your work being seen (won‘t Happen), make him do his part. Then he might see, how much work it is.
I guess, he thinks it is ok, because you „only“ working part-time and he is used to his Mommy doing everything.
And stop cleaning for hours without help for his Mom!
NTA – but your husband is one because you enable him.
Do not get pregnant, stop clearing up after him. Let him clear up his mess on his own. Do not cook for him. When his mother comes over, leave and go to a coffeehouse. Start making an escape plan.
I would’ve cried on the spot. You’re literally doing everything and he can’t even say thanks? That’s not okay
NTA, except to yourself for putting up with this nonsense. Your brain is still finishing cooking though, so it’s understandable.
Your partner is a shitty partner. He’s emotionally stunted, disinterested, dismissive, a mamma’s boy, and objectively cruel…. Like an ameoba would be a bigger prize than this guy.
Leave him, he won’t get better, this is who he is. Give him back to his mom, she ruined him for any healthy adult relationships.
But your husband doesn’t think you deserve the respect and thank you. He thinks it’s in the job title WIFE. And his Mom kinda agrees. Seems like you 2 didn’t have THAT TALK before marriage about gender roles, in school, equality, etc. He’s back in the 1950s. Which, I hate to say it, many, many, many couples ARE! If he’s not willing or able to discuss this now, you need to consider if you should build a bigger family w/him. It only becomes more complicated. You’ve only been married 2 years….Good luck! FIGURE IT OUT!
If this isn’t what you want for the next 50-60 years, get out now. Don’t look back.
Let the apartment go to hell in all ways for a week …believe me he’ll notice that! he is a jackass,rude and an unappreciative .My first husband was a guy who used a different towel everyday and just dropped it on the floor beside the laundry hamper.Boots,lunch pail,coats and whatever was never hung up just dropped on the floor like a pig.A lot of my day was filled with me being pissed off feeling like his underpaid maid…I was stuck with a ringer washing machine for 17 frigging years,two kids and a husband who had no regards for me other than being his cook and cleaner…Self centred thoughtless jerk.My second husband is the total opposite but he’s not perfect so I think I’ll try for number three
It is hard to be expected to do it all and not be appreciated.Good luck with husband number two!
It’s not just about appreciating your work, it’s respecting you as a person. He doesn’t respect you, and neither does his mother. You’re like a servant in your own home. This is not going to change.
As a couple, you should be working as a team to clean the household. He is perfectly capable of cleaning, cooking and remembering to pay his mom’s bills. By the way, why are you two paying the bills for this shrew? She should pay her own bills. Divorce him ( and his mom) you’ll have some dignity, peace and a lot more free time.
Divorce him.
Ah, go on strike, he’ll soon notice when nothing gets done. I do this occasionally when my ungrateful kids need a reminder x
He won’t change.
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Stop cleaning babe. He soon realise. His mum can do it.
You’re doing allllll that work because you’re worried about what they think of you and your home. Alllll that work and she still made comments and he doesn’t notice. If you need validation and approval for organizing and cleaning- which means nothing to the person you’re seeking approval from- I fear you’ll running on the hamster wheel for the foreseeable future.
stop doing it. sit him down and divide the house chores. tell him going forward a-d are his responsibility. pick the things that aren’t going to drive you nuts when he doesn’t do them. then just stop doing them. you’re not his mommy and you’re certainly not his mommy’s mommy to be paying bills. just drop the rope. he’ll either get it and come around or you know that this is going to be the rest of your life and you’ll need to decide if that’s really what you want.
Please leave this guy quick. Yuck.