I (35F) recently asked my husband (37M) if he would consider getting a vasectomy, and now there’s this weird tension in our marriage. We’ve been together for over a decade and have three kids….ages 8, 5, and 2. I’ve carried and birthed all three, had one C-section, two natural births, and dealt with every complication you could think of. After our third, I had pretty bad postpartum depression, my hormones went all over the place, I lost a ton of hair, couldn’t sleep, and my body has honestly never felt the same. I’ve also tried every form of birth control available. I got an IUD after our second child and ended up bleeding heavily for almost a year. Then I tried the pill, but it triggered severe migraines and worsened my mental health. I even went off birth control completely for a while and we tried using condoms, but he kept complaining about how they “take the feeling away.” So, basically, it’s always been me taking on the burden when it comes to preventing pregnancy. I told him gently and respectfully that I can’t keep doing this, and asked if he would at least consider a vasectomy. His whole face changed he looked genuinely nervous, like I had just asked him to donate a kidney or something. He said, “I don’t know, I’ve read stuff… What if it messes something up down there? What if I’m not the same after?” And I just sat there thinking… I have literally pushed out three human beings, gone through surgery, dealt with pain, bleeding, mental breakdowns, and he’s afraid of a 20-30minute outpatient procedure with local anesthesia? He says I’m pressuring him and making him feel like he doesn’t have a say, but I honestly feel like I’ve had no choice in anything for the past nine years when it comes to reproductive stuff. I’m not trying to force him, but I do feel like it’s finally his turn to take on some responsibility. I don’t want more kids, and we can’t afford another one either. I’ve done my part over and over. AITAH for asking him to step up and take on something that would mean the world to my mental and physical health????
AITAH for asking my husband to get a VASECTOMY after I’ve done EVERYTHING when it comes to pregnancy and birth control?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA for asking, but it is his body. Is it unfair? It sucks, but he also can’t TELL you to get your tubes tied or get a hysterectomy. Everyone needs body autonomy.
NTA. You’ve sacrificed your body, your comfort, your mental health and he’s worried about a feeling? That’s incredibly selfish.
NAH, it’s his body , it’s ok to ask but you can’t demand he do something to his body he doesn’t want to. He can’t tell you what to do either
NTA. It’s his turn to step up. You see tell him this part:
> I have literally pushed out three human beings, gone through surgery, dealt with pain, bleeding, mental breakdowns
And this part:
>I don’t want more kids, and we can’t afford another one either. I’ve done my part over and over
His worried about his dick and his sensation but doesn’t seem to give a damn about what you’ve been through. He can research doctors, do a consult, discuss his fears and then get it done. If not, then he wraps before he taps or he goes without.
NTA
NTA time for him to step up. His choices are vasectomy, condoms, and nothing. Totally up to him what he decides. I hate how guys just assume women would handle this and they don’t have to do anything…
He is being an asshole. There is no reason for him not to unless he wants more kids. It is much easier for us than it is for women. It literally doesn’t hurt and takes 10 minutes. He is selfish.
NTA! He’s being a selfish jerk and a baby! Tell him you’re going to make a doctor appointment so that the doctor can tell him what a simple procedure it is. Also you could give him an ultimatum no more sex until he has it done!! You have been through enough.
Holy paragraph breaks batman. But no dude. It’s time for this guy to step up. Vasectomies are usually reversible, so even if minds are changed and you want more kids down the line, it’s not out of the question. The pressure has been on you this whole time for birth control. If he can’t wear a condom or get the snip, then I say no more sex for him. It’s his body, he can choose what he wants to do with it, but you can also choose what to do with yours. NTA
nta for asking. You’ve been carrying the burden.
NTA. Ask and if he says no, you can always offer abstinence.
NTA. Got my vasectomy after our 2nd child after we both agreed that we didn’t want additional children. Procedure went very smoothly, with no pain or complications. Took 2 days off from work mostly just to minimize movement, but barely even used ice packs.
“What if it messes up something down there?” is incredibly inconsiderate and ignorant to say to your wife who’s GIVEN BIRTH & gotten an IUD. Girl you could’ve died giving him children and he’s worried about the one or two random horror story vasectomies he’s heard about. I’d tell him that if he doesn’t want to prevent pregnancy with a vasectomy or condoms then you’re going celibate because you’re tired of being the one to do it. Or I’d just tell him to man up and stop being a pussy but I’m not sure that’d go over well
Honestly, it was super easy! Painful? More discomfort! I had a case of blue balls far worse than my vasectomy pain/discomfort. I did plan well and did it on the 22 of December, so I was off until Jan 2nd etc. Used plenty of ice and motrin. Perhaps 5 low dose vicodine most split in half after 2 day. Just make sure you wait the 2 weeks before doing anything.
NTA. And make sure he’s using condoms in the meantime.
NTA.. no activities until a decision can be agreed on
NTA. Your husband needs to step up. He’s being an idiot right now. I’ve had this done, there’s no anesthesia at all. It’s a simple 10-15min procedure. They did mine on a Friday morning and I was back to work Monday. Absolute best decision I’ve ever made. In my mind, it was what I needed to do, to support my wife. Our sex life has never been better. So tell your husband to stop being a baby and get it done.
Have you considered abortion? It maybe a viable option if nothing works for you…of course, you can always go to have your tubes tied, that’s one other option…..
Basically, your husband is shit and you can’t depend on him – do whatever you have to for yourself, make it clear to him that you won’t engage on the subject with him, you will just take your own reproductive decisions on your own terms from now onwards with him having zero input or decision whatsoever.
NTA
He’s done his part in spreading his genes. If he’s a real man, he’ll get snipped and just shoot blanks. I’ve had dentist work done that was worse than the snip.
NTA. But you are not using the most effective argument, even though you are 100% correct that you have clearly done more than your fair share.
What he’s worried about is that it might not feel the same. He’s a selfish prick for worrying about that over you risking your life, health, and sanity to birth three children. But, his concern is also valid. So find information about what men say about any differences in sex pre and post vasectomy and encourage him to ask his doctor.
Then when it’s done you can tell him he’s a prick for making you do the homework for him on the ONE small thing he could have done to help you out. Because he is, and he shouldn’t get to feel proud of himself for doing the least.
You have bodily autonomy. If you don’t want children you have every right to make that decision. You do not need to ask your husband or get his permission. You can go get you tubes tied. Take control of your life and your body.
You have no right to ask your husband to get a vasectomy if he doesn’t want one. Maybe he would have more children. He also has bodily autonomy. You don’t get to pressure him into doing anything with his body. Same as him pressuring you.
I drove myself home 10 minutes after mine. NTA
NTA tell him clear that he has three options: 1. vasectomy, 2. condoms or 3 no sex at all
What if you divorce him and the next woman he wants to be with wants to have kids? The snip isn’t as reversible as they’d have you believe.
He probably doesn’t want to tell you that but it’s a serious consideration. Look at this very thread. People are encouraging OP to divorce him because he doesn’t want to get a permanent change to his body against his will.
There’s comparisons to kids, but surely you also wanted the kids and he didn’t force you into it.
NTA
My buddy’s vasectomy took 12 minutes, and he was only really sore for a day and fully healed in a week. He loves that he can rawdog worry free and recommends them to all of us now! 😂 (we’re all 40ish and basically done having kids)
I don’t normally recommend a sex strike, but you could do an indirect one:
-You’re done taking birth control
-You won’t risk unprotected sex
The ball is in his court from there. Condoms or the snip, his call. 🤷♂️
His body, his choice of course. You’re NTA for asking after everything you’ve been through.
But also… your body, your choice too! So no sex if he doesn’t help with this burden. The risk for you is way too great.
I’d be most concerned about why he’s ok with letting you shoulder all of this and not be willing to help at all.
NTA, I got one at 25 after my ex wife had my daughter for that exact reason. It doesn’t hurt much, honestly the worst pain is them wiping your genitals with an alcohol wipe and taping your penis to your stomach. Takes about 20 min, they used lasers for mine.
Fast forward 7 years and 3 girlfriends it has not reversed I don’t have any complaints or complications. Totally worth doing if you care about your SO.
When he tries to sleep with you tell him no because you do not want to get pregnant. … the end
NTA at all! Honestly, fck him! And the best way to fck him is to STOP f*king him, immediately!
If he won’t even CONSIDER taking on a tiny fraction of the burden you’ve carried for YEARS, then he shouldn’t get the privilege of being intimate with you.
NTA. You have to take the reigns when it comes to your own piece of mind. Get sterilized yourself.
NTA. You carried 3 babies. He can handle a vasectomy. He can freeze sperm if having more kids later is a concern for him.
While pregnant with my third kid, we decided she was going to be the last one and discussed vasectomy. Hubby was ok with it but didn’t take an appointment
After giving birth, I tried the Mirena IUD (thinking I would be period free) but I was always in pain and bleeding all the time, so I bought a big box of condoms and had the Mirena removed.
Returning to condoms after 11 years of “naked dick” didn’t quite excite him, so he scheduled the appointment.
I think the dudes who don’t want to do not see you as end game
NTA
“What if it messes something down there? What if I’m different after?”
Pathetic, truly. I have few words other than this man is an absolute baby. It must be hard on OP being a parent to 4 kids.
He is so selfish it boggles my mind. I literally can’t even. 🫣
NTA. I got lucky or my husband did lol. Our third was a surprise but we knew it was going to be a c-section so I told the doctor while he was in there to fix it for no more.
I let my husband know beforehand and luckily I have a great husband so no argument, guilt or anything else.
For them to go back in and “tie” your tubes is a much more invasive surgery. He either gets over his abhorrence of condoms or gets snipped.
NTA my husband had to undergo the procedure twice and both times he was absolutely fine after a few days. It is a very common fast procedure, whereas any other sterilization procedure for you is going to be a major surgery.
Your husband sounds like a selfish baby, i’m sorry you have to deal with that.
Let me guess, your 3 kids are girls?
When we found out we were pregnant with twins, we walked out of that ultrasound appointment and I said, “So you’re getting snipped after this?”
He said yup and that was it. We only wanted two kids, and those were the set parameters in our relationship.
The spicy part of me says to ice him out, because he likely WILL get you pregnant again, and you don’t deserve to go through it on the basis of “but I don’t wannaaa”
NTA at all.
As a dude who’s gotten a vasectomy, I don’t understand other men’s aversion to it. No more condoms and my partner doesn’t have to go through a much more invasive surgery? Easy choice.
Six months after having our second child, I got mine done. Best decision I’ve ever made. My wife pushed two beautiful babies out, the least I can do is have a sore sack for a couple of weeks. Plus being able to nut recklessly really brings up the heat in the intimacy department. 12/10, would recommend.
Vasectomy clinics have consultation to answer stupid questions (or excuses) like these.
Despite having read through many the info on this, they still sat me down and went through all of it before the actual process.
If he’s afraid of the pain, not going to lie, there’s some very minor discomfort and the healing process will be slightly uncomfortable, but nothing compared to what women had to go through.
Vasectomies are cool!
YTA. It is his body, his choice. It doesn’t matter why he is uncomfortable getting a vasectomy you CANNOT seriously think it’s ok to pressure someone else into a medical procedure they don’t want. Yes, a tubal ligation is a more invasive procedure than a vasectomy but the only person you get to decide for is yourself.
NTA real men get vasectomies. Real men take on the shared burden of birth control. Real men care about the physical and mental health of their wives.
You are married to a selfish wimp. He should be deeply ashamed of baulking at this after everything you have been through with pregnancy, childbirth and contraception.
I repeat, what a selfish bloody wimp.
NTA. Your husband is an idiot, selfish, childish, and a coward.
NTA. Also, a lot of people here are saying “take sex off the table for him”. But that’s not fair to you – what if YOU want sex too? “Gasp, women want sex?!” Yeah, so double whammy for him being TAH.
Nta he should get snipped. I’f only to get you off his back
That’s a super selfish was to look at it, vasectomy’s are way safer than anything else women do to prevent pregnancy… you put your body through hell having his kids and also being on BC…. He can’t even do the bare minimum for you. Honestly make him wear condoms every time and if he doesn’t like it too bad so sad. I know the reason a lot of guys don’t want to do it is because if they get divorced and remarried and their new partner wants a baby they can still do it. So I would very much question why he is so against this.
NTAH. To protect your own health, I’d suggest giving him the options of either a vasectomy or abstinence.
NTA. And I wouldnt need any protection with this guy since being an inconsidered egoist is a 💯% secure natural turn off. Who can see his partner going throug all of this and chosing himselfe over this tiny procedure. And I know what I am talking about. Been there, done that with my partner.
NTA. he’s not committed to you, he’s just playing house. he’s worried about down the road, having babies with someone new.
Hell no. I just got one a month and a half ago. I didn’t even have to ice the area day-of, it was only just vaguely uncomfortable.
Did you get your tubes tied? Why don’t you get your tubes tied?
His choice of course but why’s he so scared? Unless he’s planning on being a dad elsewhere! He can’t have his cake and eat it too, you didn’t.
As someone who lived through a pregnancy induced stroke and survived a placenta precreta I think he is 100% the asshole. Vasectomies are reversible, outpatient, and take about 15 to 30 mins. It sounds to me like he is more worried about his penis than he is you. It also seems like he is the one always crawling on top of you. You own your vagina, Lock him out of it. … your fears are warranted. These men do not understand what it’s like laying in a hospital bed not knowing if you’re going to die or not, or having a baby and sweating out hormones for the next 2 years while losing your hair and your mind idk the gender of your 3rd but boys usually do that to you. I’ve had 2 emergency c sections and 1 planned c section. I woke up one morning and I had hemmorhaged so bad it was nonstop and I was slipping and sliding in it. When I went outside to go to the hospital it was raining and the wind was blowing the blood from my body everywhere and splattering it against the door of my apartment , I looked naked but my clothes were so drenched they had to cut them off of me and the hospital wouldn’t even put me on the gurny because “I was a liability ” and they could smell the blood from outside the car … I never want another pregnancy in my whole life. It took 6.5 hours of surgery, a hysterectomy, and COOLERS of blood to save me as well as transfusions after I had her at 28 weeks and she was 2 lbs. My SO would gladly get a vasectomy if it meant me never having to go through that again…waking up in the ICU with a Tube in my throat 2 days later. Yeah, your husband is selfish as fu*k. If you die in child birth, just remember he WILL move on and you’ll be dead ….
Interesting how “my body my choice” quickly goes through the window in the comments when it’s a man 🙂
First of all, you shouldn’t keep score. This is not the right way to handle a conversation in a marriage. You need to discuss like adults and figure out your option as a couple.
A vasectomy is in theory a simple procedure, but like all surgery there is a risk, it is easy to find horror stories on the net or just during the initial consultation with the surgeon. He’s right to not take it lightly.
There are other methods you seem to not have tried, spermicide is one that usually work pretty well and shouldn’t have side effect, it’s just a bit of logistic. Just discuss with him about the options that could work, and if nothing is enough then stop having sex.
No snippy = no sex.
Birth control is a two way street. He doesn’t want to participate, he doesn’t get to “participate”!
NTA. However, like others have already pointed out the issue isn’t him being afraid of a snip. The issue is the imbalance of duties and care he provides in this relationship as well as how he treats you as a person. It’s therapy time.
Not at all. Once you’ve had your kids requesting a vasectomy is perfectly normal.
Nta.
Your husband sounds like a huge man-child whining over condoms not feeling okay, and getting a little procedure done when you’ve birthed 3 whole children.
He isn’t thinking about your well-being or your safety at all. All he cares about is his penis.
I think you need to stop having sex with him cause he won’t listen to you.
NTA and I hope you said out loud what you say you just sat there thinking.
NTA for suggesting it. But you WBTAH if you pushed it. Just like a woman, His Body, His Choice.
NTA – he can step up this time. I would give him two options. Vasectomy or celibacy.
NTA for asking but the AH for not accepting his answer. He said no. That’s that. You didn’t have to do all those things. You could have said no as well. Accept your part in this. You have choices. Get your own procedure done. Ask
Him to get a vasectomy. Or no sex. Or condoms everytime with spermicide. You aren’t a victim here. Our body. Our choices. Goes for both of you.
NAH. He’s allowed to not have a vasectomy and not want to use condoms, and you are allowed to tell him he’s not sticking his dick in you again unless he does either 🤷🏼♀️
NTA you’ve done your part. and if he doesn’t want another kid. No sex, condoms, or he’s getting another kid.
NTA
But don’t have sex until he takes responsibility on his end. Either condoms or the snip, he has to take some responsibility. He isn’t entitled to your body. I assume he has at least one hand and lotion available.
I don’t know why so many men equate a vasectomy with castration 🙄
NTA. Tell him the ball is in his court. You’ve done your part, you are done having kids and done messing with your body.
“I enjoy making love with you and hope you’ll find a solution so we can do so again in the future!”
Then quit mentioning it. When he tries to initiate sex just say, “Bummer! That would be so fun, but we can’t risk another kid.” Then smile and continue on your way.
Eventually he’ll do his own research and either find condoms he can live with or will pull his head out of his ass and get a vasectomy.
But don’t nag. Just drop the rope. It’s not your problem anymore.
NTA
Tell him to man up! You have done all the birth control for all for years. NOW it is his turn.
I had a vasectomy when I was 34. Only had mild discomfort for about 3 days. The upside was never having to worry about an unintented pregnancy. It is very freeing and allows you more spontaneity. I am in my 70’s now and have NEVER regretted having it done.
Have him discuss the procedure with your family doctor and ask him about all the possible issues to help ease his mind.
As others have said, his choice is a vasectomy OR condoms or abstinence. Stand firm on that OP!
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NTA. Just tell him no sex then. It is the only real guaranteed prevention.
As a Man that has had it done, he is the A in the marriage for not getting g it done….
So let me get this right…
Your husband who you love and who likely claims to love you also, would rather you and your body continue to be destroyed than either having a swift AND COMPLETELY REVERSIBLE procedure…
Or checks notes wear condoms.
I would close the sex train.
Tbh I would divorce him, but with 3 minions you don’t seem likely to do that.
These posts always make me angry. Like what do you mean you let a man treat you this way? And even then OP can just scroll down this sub for two seconds and figure out what people said about this exact situation.
NTA
Ultimately it’s his choice, but you also have a choice to protect yourself; I’d go with total abstinence. It’s the only way to ensure that you don’t risk accidental pregnancy
NTA. Why is birth control solely the responsibility of women? You can give him the option of no sex or a vasectomy.
NTA.
There is nothing else you can do except tell him – no sex until he decides to use birth control.
He needs to watch some videos etc.
It’s nothing for most men.
But health wise many men make something out of nothing.
Good luck
NTA at all—-and I think he is being a big selfish baby. But honestly—-I would not trust him to actually get the procedure done, even if he makes an appointment.He’ll chicken out, or possibly even pretend to have had it done.
I know you’ve borne the brunt of it so far, but if you truly don’t want more, I wouldn’t leave it to him to get snipped. Get your tubes tied. That’s the only way to be completely sure. Not fair at all, but you’d KNOW it was taken care of.
I asked my doctor about vasectomies and he essentially was like “its much easier for you to just get a coil and thats also reversible whereas the vasectomy requires surgery and is permanant” and at the time i shrugged ljke “yeah i guess”
Then days later was like… wait a fucking second!!! My body is permamntsntly changed and so is my fucking mind after experioncing protracted agony pushing his children out my body and then breast feeding them through sleep deprivation torture for 6 months each.
Luckily he is fine with using condoms but it he wasnt itd be snip or absentance at this point.
giving birth 3 times which sounds painful as hell but he wont get a vasectomy ? crazy. his body his choice, the same for you too, op. just say no more sex if that’s the case
OP, fo you know if any of his close friends have had one, that he’d be comfortable talking to about it? Our group of friends have reached the ages/ point of not wanting more kids, and several other husbands had vasectomies, and have no problem talking about it if asked.
My husband is normally a very open minded person, and he balked initially at the idea of a vasectomy. He looked up scary information and was very against it. After some time had passed, I asked him to talk to his doctor at his annual physical to get some info from an actual medical source, and not the internet. He talked about how it’s much less invasive for a man to have a vasectomy, that the down time and discomfort is minimal, that, yes, the equipment would still work just fine after healing. It got my husband to the point of being comfortable enough to go see the urologist. That Dr answered the rest of his questions, and it was a go!
I tried to give him space to think and learn about it without too much pressure, but also being clear that i was done with BC. I would have had my tubes tied if he refused, but I think hearing even from the urologist how much longer my down time from surgery would be, and the potential complications, was enough to change his mind.
NTA, and I hope you’re able to convince him that this is what would really benefit you, and your family as a whole.
Its no biggie. Get the snip. Risks are minimal compared to a 4th pregnancy.
The only reason to refuse is that he’s considering the possibility of more kids with someone else.
NTA here’s what you do.
Get white board or just white board markers and a window and draw a T chart. Pregnancy/Birth/Birth control on one side and vasectomy on the other.
Go back and forth have him write a concern he has about vasectomy/horror story he heard and then you write something that happened to you or has changed while dealing with BC/Birth/Pregnancy.
Hopefully after about the eighth time around that he has nothing to add and you’re still going will help him understand how much all of that affected you. Even though you could probably get to 200 and not slow down
Your husband is a big baby. I have had four babies via cesarean and 2 miscarriages. I told my husband I was thinking about having my tubes removed if I get pregnant again. Without missing a beat, he said “babe, you’ve done enough. I’ll just get a vasectomy.”
I agree with others. He can get snipped or wear a condom if he wants to have sex. The choice is his.
NTA, he has a choice either vasectomy or condoms (or no intercourse at all, there are still other ways to feel pleasure)
Until you get this resolved, consider using the female condom (also called the internal or FC2 condom.) It’s a condom designed for you to control. He doesn’t wear one and you don’t get pregnant.
I’ve found it online through the manufacturer or walmart dot com.
If you don’t want kids why didn’t you get your tubes tied?
NTA just telll him he 100% has a choice just like you 100% have a choice. You are choosing not to abuse your body with more pregnancies and childbirths and birth control. If that means you never have sex with him ever again then you are okay with that. If he wants to get a vasectomy great you will sleep with him. If he doesn’t want one that is also 100% okay he will just never have sex with you again 100% his choice.
NTA – he has choices; vasectomy, condoms or abstinence, all viable birth control methods. It’s not just your responsibility to prevent pregnancy.
Ask him how many kids he is prepared to financially support for life?
And ask him why he doesn’t know anything about vasectomies? What stuff has be been reading?
NTA. After I had 2 kids, I told my ex birth control was up to him. He didnt want anymore, i had horrible pregnancies but never regretted it after it was over so if he wasn’t going to man up, it’d be his problem and not mine.
And your husband reading things about vasectomies should read the warnings for every fucking birth control us women have to deal with because a condom ruins a little of their sensation. There are far less side effects for a vasectomy and can be reversed if things change in the future. I honestly think all men should get a vasectomy until they are ready to be a father.
NTA. Had one back in December and went strawberry picking 3 days later with minimal issues. Getting 3 needles in his balls is the LEAST he could do after your experience. Just be warned with anesthesia, the insurance charge for that is literally 10-20x the “in the office” awake method.
If he’s expecting you to keep doing the BC the only other option would be hysterectomy at this point. But dude’s gonna have a rude fucking awakening when it comes to your post op care and better be prepared to take a month off work and become primary parent.
Dude needs to grow a pair and get them snipped.
NTA
If I had done all of this for my partner to give him a family and he turned around and pulled this selfish nonsense, I think all my love for him might just dry up.
How can you continue to care about someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about everything you’ve done and been through?
Vasectomies are so simple and quick. They are usually done in the doctor’s office. The doc will numb the scrotum, make a tiny cut. Clip the vein, clamp it. Done. Take the rest of the day to relax.
Just tell him that since he is such a pussy he doesn’t get pussy.
NTA
NTA both my brothers had vasectomies after they and their wives had kids. I didn’t particularly want this information but for some reason, my SILs told me. I think it’s great that they were being responsible. It’s a super reasonable ask.
Point out that he will get more oral sex after the vasectomy (tastes a lot better)
Ok so he doesn’t want a vasectomy.
My husband doesn’t either (medical PTSD) so he knows it’s condoms for us.
His theory is- what I’m gonna go, not have sex over using a condom? Thats idiotic, I get to have SEX.
I had my vasectomy done many years ago, back in 1991. It was literally not a big deal, the novocaine shot was honestly the worst part. I drove myself there and home, and walked up two flights of steps to our apartment. Was a little sore for maybe a day or two. I was in the Army at the time, so they only gave me Motrin for the pain, and that worked just fine. There is ZERO difference when it comes to sex or orgasm, at least in my case. It’s quick, safe, and typically reversible.
You situation is exactly like mine. Kids births and all. After child two I told my husband I would get my tubes tied if we had a third. While that’s not why he agreed to number three he thought that was the plan. Except I knew I was lying when I said it😂 difference in, when the time came he realized I was right and it was his turn to step up bc I’d done enough. Your husband needs to be a grown up and do his part. Or no sex. Up to him.
I got off of the pill because it was affecting me. my husband and I went back to condoms for the first time in ten years. he hated it. I said no vasectomy, no sex. he got snipped. hasn’t had any problems since.
NTA for asking. He’s allowed to decide that he doesn’t want the surgery, but there’s nothing wrong with you pointing out this imbalance in your relationship and asking him to consider a specific solution.
Jfc. There’s no reason for him not to he’s got 3 offspring and is almost 40. So unless he’s holding out on the off chance you divorce him and he wants more kids what other reason could there be? It’s literally the easiest reproductive surgery ever. After all your body has gone through I’d consider his reaction a red flag.
NTA but Also he should be forced to have a vasectomy. Tell him he has options though. Condoms, no sex, or vasectomy. His choice.
OP, NTA, your husband doesn’t respect you as a woman. You’ve been through so much, and the fact that he can’t do one simple procedure is mind-boggling. Just say no, or he will need to put a C on. Best of luck.
NTA – he’s not the asshole for being apprehensive, obviously any time you have a surgical procedure there are risks – but some of those risks are just natural consequences of wanting to have sex. You took on those risks every time you got pregnant/had a c-section.
I’d just go with the natural consequence that if he doesn’t want to take responsibility for your (shared) birth control, then penetrative piv is off the table. You can maybe still use toys or oral if you enjoy those, but nothing that could result in pregnancy.
Nta. Im not even married to my guy of 6 years, got a lot of health issues and recently found out that if I were to have a child there’s a 90% chance I will become significantly worse. I was considering my long term birth control options but the only one I’m being offered is the coil which for me would be incredibly painful.
I never mentioned even considering vasectomy to my partner but be brought it up of his own accord. The reason I didn’t mention it was incase we ever broke up or when we eventually do marry, incase we divorce and he decided with a future partner he would like kids. I didnt feel it was fair to put such a “certain” stop on that for him (although I know it can be reversible there are risks).
The reason he offered is to reduce risk for me. Sterilisation is higher risk, higher with my health issues in mind, would take me much longer than average to bounce back. And he has accepted that we may not have bio kids without intervention because I simply wouldnt be able to run and play with them after. I barely can now. He hates seeing me in this much pain, it would kill him seeing me worse over something preventable. He also understands I wouldnt be the best mum I could be if i’m sicker.
For now, we use a barrier method. Hes perfectly happy because he’s not a child. If anything I feel closer and more loved by him than ever. You deserve that too, all women do. It’s ridiculous that the burden is all on the women in this day in age. The pill is given out like candy when the risks are ridiculous and significantly higher for certain cancers but the only thing they highlight on the box is weight gain and blood clots. Men wouldnt put up with this shit (and clearly, they don’t!) So why do we?
He’s worried about being the same after. Has he ever taken even a split second to think of what pregnancies do to your body?
Maybe he needs a side by side comparison. On one side, a list of risks (legit risks, coming from reputable sources, because I’m betting his aren’t) of a vasectomy. On the other side, a list of what you’ve dealt with during and after each and every pregnancy.
The reality is, you’ve already taken a massive beating with three kids. He can step up, make the appointment, and buy himself a bag of frozen peas for after.
NTA. My aid did birth control pills early on. Once we had our kids, I had a vasectomy. Simply and easy. Much less invasive and risky than getting tubes tied.
Why not have your tubes tied at your last delivery? My sister did that and it rolled into standard pregnancy recovery.
Vasectomy isn’t a big deal. I got one and it was a minor inconvenience.
Your body your choice.
NTA. I know you’re sick of taking care of the birth control, but having your tubes removed will kill two birds with one stone: permanent birth control and will lower your risk of ovarian cancer.
I had my tubes tied 15 years ago. Until my hysterectomy two years ago, it was my favorite surgery ever. Yes, the recovery is worse for a tubal ligation compared to a vasectomy, but then you KNOW you’re covered. And no condoms while you’re waiting for your husband’s sperm to clear out.
Others have (deservedly) bashed your weeny of husband enough. I don’t need to add fuel to that fire.
NTA – you have to make yourself a priority if you’re going to continue being the primary parent. Maybe order some Vaseline and condoms. Those are his only options from here on out.
If you live somewhere that doesn’t give women and girls full rights over their bodies, then he MUST get a vasectomy. If you don’t get rights, neither does he. Otherwise, no more penetrative sex with him, and/or find someone else who’s willing to take on contraceptive responsibility.
I’d have a bit more empathy for him if he wasn’t a whiny fuckin baby about condoms.
It could just be ignorance. My husband though if he got a vasectomy he would not be able to ejaculate so any chance of an orgasm for him was over. OPs husband might be misinformed and he needs reliable information from people who have had a vasectomy and whom the husband trusts.
NTA, he’s a fucking wimp