So my MIL comes over every Sunday for dinner which is whatever but she’s started rearranging my stuff while I’m cooking and its driving me insane.
It started small like she’d move my salt and pepper to what she thought was a better spot or mess with how I had my coffee mugs arranged. I didn’t say anything because complaining about that seemed pretty petty.
But then last month she completely reorganized my spice cabinet while I was making dinner. She told me my system didn’t make sense and alphabetical was obviously better. Took me forever to find anything after that because I had my own way of organizing things.
Two weeks ago she folded all my laundry that was on the couch. Sounds nice right? Wrong. She put everything in completely wrong places. My husband’s work shirts ended up in my drawer, mixed up all the kids clothes, and somehow my underwear ended up with the kitchen towels.
This past Sunday I come out of the kitchen and find her reorganizing my bookshelf and throwing away what she called old magazines. Except they weren’t magazines they were my recipe cards in magazine holders and some of them were handwritten ones from my grandmother who passed away.
I asked her to please stop moving my things and explained about the recipe cards. She got all defensive saying she was just trying to help and my house needed organization. My husband sided with her and said I should appreciate that she cares enough to help clean.
Now she won’t talk to me and my husband thinks I was rude for not being grateful.
Comments
NTA. She is a guest in your home. She should not be rearranging anything without your explicit permission.
NTA. Next time she comes over, start rearranging her purse. When she objects, say you’re just helping her be more organized.
NTA, Your MIL is overstepping by constantly rearranging your home, and your husband should be backing you, not her. Setting boundaries isn’t rude, it’s necessary.
NTA. Mopping the floors, sure.
Throwing out your personal belongings and putting things away to where you can’t find them is not help. It’s hinderance.
When she starts up, just hand her a rag and tell her the windows need washing if she’s sincere about helping.
NTA. You didn’t ask for her help and all she’s doing is giving you more work and stressing you out.
NTA. Your house, your rules.
She only wants to help and feel useful. I suggest you take a proactive role and actively tell her what you’d like her to do, like, if you need a specific cabinet cleaned, ask her to clean it. This way she’ll still have something to do and you’ll get something done.
Oh boy do you have a husband problem!
Tell your spouse he can go stay at mommy’s house since he still wants her to wipe his ass. This is your house and she is a guest.
NTA. You have a husband and MIL problem.
Compulsively rearranging other people’s things isn’t just incredibly rude (which is) is a symptom of mental health issues. Is your husband normally a momma’s boy or is it just on this one issue?
Sit down with your husband and explain that what she’s doing is in NO way helpful and is creating more work for you. Explain that had your grandmother’s recipes been discarded there would have been no way you’d ever have been able to forgive her and would never have allowed her in your home again.
Tell her that if he wants “gentle” then he needs to sit down with her and explain that her behavior isn’t acceptable or helpful and needs to stop. Tell him that if you have to “train” her it will be with tough love.
NTA. If he thinks she so helpful, tell her she is welcome to organize his garage/man cave/etc that is only his stuff. Bet his tune would change real fast lol
This can’t be real. You seriously need reddit to tell you it’s okay to ask you’re mil not to rearrange your home. Do you have any self respect?
NTA. She is not respecting your boundaries. It’s not her house, it doesn’t matter one bit how she feels about how your house is organized, it’s not her house to complain about.
Furthermore, as much as she is disrespecting your boundaries by fucking with everything, your husband suggesting that she isn’t doing anything wrong is also him blatantly disregarding those same boundaries. You better have a talk with him.
Tell hubs you think that you will be helpful as well and rearrange his tools/sporting equipment/home office/ whatever applies… and then tell mil the next time you are at her home you will be helpful as well.
Turn about is fair play since you have expressed your feelings and been shut down.
Or as soon as she starts rearranging, go right behind her and put it back. Wash, rinse, repeat.
NTA
NTA. Since hubby has no spine, just start going right behind her and putting stuff back the way it was in the first place. “Thanks, MIL, but I prefer these here.” Every. Damn. Time.
“My husband sided with her and said I should appreciate that she cares enough to help clean.”
Your husband’s TAH. Sit him down and tell him you’re his wife, she isn’t. She doesn’t get to move or throw out (!!!) ANYTHING. She doesn’t care, she just wants things her way.
You have a husband problem. NTA
NTA. Why should you be grateful for someone disrupting your house?
NTA. She’s a guest. She shouldn’t be rearranging anything. You don’t have to give a fuck if your organization isn’t easy for her to understand, it’s your house and it works for you. Enjoy the break from her meddling while she sulks.
Ask your husband if it’d be ok with him if someone went into the garage and rearranged all his tools, then took some of them and put them in random drawers in the house because that made more sense to them.
Time to give her back some of her helpfulness? Maybe help her organize her home? Maybe insist she sit with your husband while you are cooking, isn’t she there to spend time with him anyway? Have you asked her why she feels she can do what she wants in your home? Maybe you should ask some explicit questions to see where she gets all this intrusiveness?
This “my husband thinks I was rude” is unbelievable to me. Every time I hear it, he’s taking his mother’s side. Grow a pair you man-child.
Your husband is a mommas boy, but why didn’t you tell your husband after the second instance . You let it build up then reacted . Don’t apologize as you did nothing wrong and tell your husband he can go live with his mom if she is his priority , but he might go which says allot
Ask your father to stop by and rearrange your husband‘s garage or tool shed or a space that’s important to your husband.
NTA. But this is a husband problem.
NTA Wow, sorry you’re having to deal with this from MIL and zero support from husband! Yikes. No advise, just sorry for you.
NTA.
You have a husband problem. He needs to come home to find all of his most-important belongings relocated to a POD which I would have delivered and sitting in the driveway. It can easily be relocated to his mother’s house along with his clothes. When he complains tell him that you were helping him get organized – to the same level of competency his mother helps you when she comes.
I would end all Sunday dinners or her visits to my house until he agrees with you. She does NOT live in the house and therefore gets ZERO input on how it is organized.
Do you think she is OCD? or a neat freak,, please send over to my address 3039….. really!!! I have a lot of sh## she can strighten out,,, dust, vacume ect. ect
Only Sheldon Cooper should be rearranging anyone’s home, but only after he is asked to do so.
NTA
After our second child was born and almost two months old, we finally let my MIL come to visit. She had come immediately after the birth of our first and we had learned our lesson – or so we thought.
Our neighbor had given us a rose blessed in the church because she had known of our struggles to get pregnant again. That rose had dried and was in a vase.
MIL decided to toss it while I was feeding the baby. I lost it on her and dug into the trash to find it. I basically told her to not touch anything. Luckily she eventually got too frail to do much but constantly make comments and criticize.
Still have the rose in its vase with a protective cylinder over it. MIL passed away a few years back.
Your mil is overstepping. Tell your husband he’s being an idiot. Be a supportive husband first then be a baby boy to his mummy.
She is not cleaning , she is stamping herself all over your house. Like an animal marking it’s territory
NTA. Wanting your own space to stay how you like it isn’t rude, it’s BASIC RESPECT. She’s not “helping,” she’s OVERSTEPPING, especially after you asked her to stop.
And yeah, you definitely have a husband problem. He should be the one telling HER to back off. If he can’t, or won’t, then maybe he should move back in with mommy until he’s ready to be married to someone other than HER.
Omygoodness on top of MIL you also have a husband problem. Tell your husband off for being a mommy’s boy and maybe he should move back in with he’s mother until he’s grown up enough to be a man. NTA
I’m ADHD and not organized. When someone in the family “organizes” my things, it really messes me up. I know where things were and now can’t find them. I can picture exactly where I had something and now it’s gone and takes much longer to find them now that they are “organized”.
Don’t feel bad, it’s not their place to do that.
Buy her a puzzle to work on while at your house.
If you don’t want help cooking, this would be a great time for mil and husband to play a board game or do a puzzle. Maybe go on a walk? Something to keep her busy.
Nta, but how old is mother in law? The laundry sounds a little off to me, is it possible she may be experiencing early signs of dementia? Id keep an eye on it
Oh NO he didn’t!!
Tell your nosey mother n law not to touch your stuff again!!! And hur husband? Well that’s a different story altogether!!
NTA, your husband is failing in his job to control his mother. Quit cooking until he steps up. Go out to eat or order food in.
Less of the “please stop” and more of the “put that back where it lives, now. This isn’t your house, let’s establish some rules here.” Grow a spine.
If your husband is siding with her, she can take him with her when you throw her out. It’s not about caring, it’s about controlling. It’s about making sure you know your place. Do not put up with this malicious shit. Not from her, and not from the mummy’s boy you’re married to.
NTA.
I say this often, and so do others, but this is a husband problem, not a MIL problem. She is trying to exert control and diminish your role and value to your husband. It’s a power move. He needs to be the one that settles this with her, not you. He needs to have your back and tell her to knock it off.
You have a husband issue, not a MIL issue.
Boys live under their mommy’s wings. Men fly.
NTA. She knows exactly what she’s doing: she’s just hiding behind the whole “trying to help” excuse to justify her passive aggressive behavior. It’s not like you asked for her help in the first place. And considering she’s had a MIL herself, she should know exactly how disrespectful and intrusive that kind of behavior is. I doubt she’d be okay with someone doing the same thing to her.
Just go to her house and rearrange things.
>somehow my underwear ended up with the kitchen towels.
Of course they did! Don’t you know a woman’s place is in the kitchen?
On a more serious note: rearrange your husband’s stuff and pretend you’ve thrown out his favourite boxer shorts/lego/DVDs.
I bet he’ll be so grateful for your help.
My daughter in law used to do this to me, and some of it was helpful and some of it was nonsense organization.
It was because she was trying to distract herself.
Put a puzzle out that she can work on to keep her busy. Or find something stupid you don’t care about.
Because if her son is there why isn’t he entertaining her? Why wouldn’t they be talking? They don’t know how to communicate.
It’s not help if you don’t ask for it
Go to her house and do the same thing. She will never understand until it’s done to her.
NTA
Tell them both to take a running jump
If she wants to help, there’s cloths, scourers, & cream cleaner under the sink. She can leave your personal items alone & go scrub your toilet!
Your husband can help providing his entire spine wont collapse!! (he’s weak & pathetic)
Tell your drip of a mummies boy to tell his mummy to leave things alone. She’s interfering not helping.
Tell her from now on Sunday dinners are at her house and start rearranging and throwing away her stuff while she cooks. Maybe while you’re doing that, you’ll find your husband’s spine and balls hiding somewhere in her house. Tell your MIL if she really needs to “organize/clean” at your house, she can help organize her son’s things in the garage.
Nta it sounds like you’ve been completely reasonable. Remind them that the house is organized to suit the people who live there, and does not need to be organized to suit guests
NTA- please, please, please next time you go to her house start reorganizing anything. Don’t care what it is, just do it and watch her and your husband (who needs to grow a spine) start to freak out.
No, no, no!
Not the AH at all.
As someone who cooks, alphabetical is the worst way to organize spices unless you prefer it.
I much prefer groupings based on what I always use together, with the most used ones the easiest to reach.
She is hurting, not helping and it seems to me to be WAY more about control, unless she’s undiagnosed OCD.
Share the comments with hubby to show him that he needs to find his backbone and stand up to Mommy. She can go home and organize her own cabinets if she feels the need
NTAH
You don’t have a MIL problem you have a husband problem.
She isn’t cleaning. She is saying you aren’t organized and her way is better. This is a passive aggressive way to criticize you. Your husband is agreeing with her criticism. If your husband prefers his mother’s organization skills tell him he should go live with her.
If my mother did this to my wife I would politely ask her to stop. If she continued I wouldn’t be so polite.
Your husband is TAH.
Do the same at her place
NYA! Do not invite her over anymore. Perhaps go over to her house and “organize” her things. As for your husband he needs some organizing also. Throw some of his stuff away and see how he likes it.
Ask her to rearrange your hands things, he desperately needs it.
But you’re ok with your stuff thank you so much.
Then point her to your husband’s shit and let her get on with it.
If he’s going to take her side she can rearrange his stuff.
You need to become an adult, OP. Your husband needs to be on your side against his mother. NOW. And out loud, to his mother and you need to require it. You need to be on your side, too. Out loud. To your husband and MIL. Stop asking. Start telling. You’re not being unreasonable. You deserve to be treated respectfully and as an adult.
YTA to yourself.
Tell DH that you will ask MIL to organise all his possessions next Sunday including his stash of condoms!
Your husband said “You should appreciate that she cares enough to help clean” What is his lazy ass doing to help? Obviously he has had a conversation with his mother and agreed with her. However this has to be nipped in the bud, or he will be sleeping with his mom at her house!
The next time she begins rearranging your furniture you go to the front door and tell her since she cannot respect you or your home she needs to go home. Then she doesn’t come back for about a month or so. Rinse and repeat if needed. She’s not going to change and she’s bullying you and by putting up with it and just complaining nothing’s going to change.
Tell him you’re directing his mother to sort out his underwear drawer next week. If he has a stash of condoms ask her to alphabetacise them too !
Just say “If I actually find something that I need to call on your help for, believe me I’ll call you, until then, I’d really rather you left things in my home as you find them and not ‘help’ by rearranging them. It’s not helpful and things are not in the places I need them in. I wouldn’t dream of going over to your home and rearranging stuff to suit me so please treat me with the same respect”.
See how that goes.
If she still does it, stop letting her into your house and arrange to meet places outside your home.
NTA but your husband and MIL are. Stop having her over for dinner, even better. Go to her house and start moving things around.
Why are all of husbands in these posts completely useless?!?
She’s not cleaning, she’s changing everything to the way she likes it. Tell her that this is your home, not hers, and that if she doesn’t stop then you’ll stop the Sunday dinners. Your SO should be on your side, not hers. If he doesn’t like it, tell him to make the dinners and just follow mil around. Every time she changes something just put it back. Just keep following her. The next time you’re at her home, start moving things around and I don’t mean little things but like plates and bowls, towels, linen, etc.
NTA, and it bothers me that your hubs didn’t have your back.
I think you need to rearrange your household and store the husband in his mothers house instead.
NTA
Nope. This is not helpful it’s hostile. When you are a guest in someone’s home, it is not acceptable to start moving their belongings around. It causes confusion and makes people feel anxious. She’s a grown woman and knows this your husband is a grown ass man and knows it too. He’s dropping the ball and needs to put a stop to his mother meddling in your household and making stress for everyone even under the guise of “helpfulness” if she wants to re-arrange things, she can go home and do so.
Why do women marry these spineless mommies boys in the first place?
Your husband is supposed to stand up for you, yet he takes the spineless way out and defends his Mommie.
NTA
NTA. Next time, tell her you appreciate that she wants to help, but that moving things around in your house isn’t helpful as it just makes it harder to find. Tell her if she wants to be helpful, she can help cook or just be a guest. But you have a bigger problem than mil. Your husband didn’t back you up. You need to have a conversation with him. Tell him about the recipe cards that had your grandmother’s recipes. Tell him about all the mixed up clothes. If he doesn’t see why you’re upset, next time she comes over, point her to one of his rooms. Does he have a home office? A workshop? A garage? Let her rearrange that.
Tell your husband to go live with his mother.
NTA. She should not be moving anything in your home without your express consent. You also have a husband problem because he should be standing up to her with you. This is not a petty issue. This is something that could be absolutely detrimental to the well-being of your marriage and you should make that clear to your husband.
AHEM. You have a husband problem
NTA. Your MIL needs to stop it.
Absolutely ridiculous! She’s overstepping and ignoring every boundary spoken or not. Who the hell does that and thinks that you should be grateful? Go to her house and do it. Tell her it only makes sense to do it your way… in her house. See if that makes sense to her. NTA!
Next time you are there, move some things around her house and tell her you are only trying to help.
NTA then I guess your husband will either have to agree not to have her over or will have to cook so you can supervise his mother. His choice.
nta it’s not her home, it’s yours and your husband should back you.
NTA and you have a husband problem too. She needs to respect your space and your belongings – rearranging is bad enough, but throwing things out! Wow. I’d be tempted to go to her place and move all her stuff around too. Just trying to help!
Your husband is spineless, and it’s not his things being messed with.
Hell you were nice, I sure as hell wouldn’t have been.
Does your husband always side with her? If so then you have a husband problem
Move some of your husband’s things, and when he asks you about where they are, say that maybe his mom organized them.
NTA. Stop being nice . She has no right to come in to do that. So now you have no choice but to go to her house and rearrange her stuff.
NTA. Your husband needs to stand by your side in this. It is not his mommy’s house or her things. Ugh this is always such a sticky situation right. She’s not leading with intent to harm. She is leading with her way is better, but her heart is still in the right place. Everything comes down to communication. I would sit her down and explain this is my house, these are my things and my way of organizing. I appreciate that you want to help but it has not been a help when i am stress looking for my things that have been moved or misplaced. When you come to our house you are here as a visitor not someone who lives here or is employed here. So please respect my boundaries and just come to visit. If you continue to not respect my boundaries the invitation to come over will be limited.
Sit your husband down and explain to him that he needs to back you up. Yes you understand the intent is well meaning but the aftermath is out of control.
Since your husband thinks it’s no big deal and to be grateful, then next time she’s over, have her go out to the garage or tool shed and “organize” your husbands tools/sports equipment/gardening supplies.
NTA. This is your home, not hers.
Your husband is the real AH here. He said you should “appreciate” her throwing away handwritten recipes from your grandmother and now he’s calling you rude? Fuck that noise. Do it to him. Put his favorite t-shirt or other object in the trash where he can see it, and ask him how it feels..
NTA. Your MIL sucks and sounds like the apple didn’t fall far.
NTA. My MIL had OCD and still knew to leave my spices where I had them. Also, if she decided something needed to be moved, she ASKED prior to touching said item, like she asked to move the fridge to clean behind it randomly during one visit. I did keep a separate cleaning supply stash as cleaning calmed her and I don’t mind if someone else really wants to clean dishes, floors, counters, etc. Some of my favorite memories now are of me baking and her cleaning up right behind me as she would open up about her life, my SO’s life, etc.
I would say if she is that compulsive and cannot match like item locations, her doctors may need to know as it could have a deeper medical meaning.
Fuck her. Absolutely not. How about next time you’re over at her place you start doing the same shit to her and see how much she appreciates it?
NTA. And if your husband doesn’t like it, he can move back home with mommy. This is not her home & she needs to stop
next time you’re at her house, take all the toilet paper and put it in the garage. take all the sandpaper and put it in the bathroom.
you care and are just trying to help
nta
This again? Yell LOUDLY, and be ready with the wooden spoon. Why do people put up with this kind of crap? She doesn’t come back until she stops touching things, and that will give you time to educate your worthless husband. NTA
Next time she visits-
Leave lingerie out for her to fold and a dildo in your husband’s underwear drawer.
NTA, but there’s a bigger problem. It’s the underwear in with the dish towels. I think she’s showing signs of some form of dementia. The symptoms are often overlooked. Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass. It’s one thing to be helpful and another to be annoying, but it’s something totally different when a person can’t tell the difference between underwear and dish towels or the difference between handwritten recipe cards and old magazines. Something is wrong with her and she needs a doctor to evaluate the problem. It could be something as simple as a need for a medication or a change in medication. It could also signal something very serious that the sooner it is addressed the better the outcome.
NTA. She has mental issues
You have a spouse problem.
no guilt for you. husband should support you. no more visits, get key back if she has one. she wants to control- set your boundaries.
Set a vacuum cleaner and a mop bucket with mop for her to start. Assign the bathrooms to her. Mention windows and screens.
NTA
Time to go to her house and rearrange/throw things away.
Ya know- be helpful to mil
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a spine. This is a control issue. MIL isn’t trying to help, she’s marking her territory.
NTA you have a serious husband problem. It is past time to stop hosting your MIL – if she can’t behave, she can’t come in. I’d tell your husband that this was the last chance. If he doesn’t have your back moving forward, you should consider divorce.
You are in the right. Die on that hill. Your husband is a mommy’s boy.
NTA and stop being so nice about it. Don’t ASK her to stop, instead, TELL HER TO STOP! my MIL tried doing this to me when I moved into my new home and I immediately put a stop to it I told her that this is my house and I like to organize things the way I like them and would appreciate you respecting that so just stop! She did 🙂
NTA. She is very rude.
Is your house messy and she is cleaning it up?
NTA
Reorganize your husband’s tools or work files for him. Sneak into her home and reorganize her closet. Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander.
And your husband needs to realize who he lives with. Or he can see if mommy will cook and clean for him.
NTA, but your husband is
Go to her house and start reorganizing her shit while telling her your system is better. When she gets upset tell her “you’re just trying to help.”
NTA. But stop being so nice about it. If my mother-in-law came into my house and started doing this, I would just say stop. Followed by don’t touch my stuff doesn’t belong to you. I don’t understand why people can’t stick up for themselves. You let it happen too many times. No, thank you and stop. these are the things you need to learn to say. And don’t ask her to stop tell her to stop.
Tell her no she’s trying to take over your house and if she cannot respect that then stop coming over. That it takes to much time to fix her mistakes.
Then turn to your husband and tell him if he wants to be a mamma boy then go live with her because you thought you married a man that was raised to support their partner. Guess I was wrong
NTA. If she starts again, stop her immediately. A “please don’t do that, I prefer it as is”
NTA
Does he think she was rude for throwing away your recipes?
Your husband can visit his mom at her home every week and you can see her whenever.
You and DH are going to have issue over this forever if you don’t nip it in the bud. Try counseling.
“My husband sided with her and said I should appreciate that she cares”
—You don’t have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem.