I have been with my husband married for 15 years, together for almost 20. We have 4 children together. We were both monogamous when we met and got married
In 2015, while I was pregnant with my second child and even in the delivery room, my husband was messaging a woman online to do with a kink. I found out about it. We worked through it and stayed with him.
He later figured out that he is polyamorous. I have tried to make it work on my end, but honestly the hurt and pain is long lasting and affecting my mental health.
He has had a few people over the years that he has wanted to be with and wanted to do more with. Would flirt with them at work. Grab each other. Tease. He told me about it. We communicated. It didn’t go beyond that and I was so relieved when they quit or he left work. Like I could finally breathe.
In may of this year we went to a convention. I went to bed with the kids. He stayed up to chat with people. He met someone, talked the whole night with them. Was touching them and flirting with them. I needed him, he wasn’t answering his texts or phone calls. It was a mess of a fight in the hotel room and I was seconds away from leaving. Polyamory just isn’t for me.
He choose to be monogamous with me after this, but he keeps bringing up how he’s 80% with me but will never be 100%. Sometimes that 20% that is missing really gets to him. It feels like he’s regretting the choice.
I love my husband. He is my best friend. My soul mate, but I cannot live my life lost in my thoughts about him with other women anymore. I need to be able to breathe. If we separated I would be devastated, but those thoughts would go away. The mental load would just release.
I told him he needs to decide if he can be monogamous with me or be polyamorous without me because I can’t do it anymore. AITAH?
Comments
Your husband didn’t find out that he was polyamorous. He found a way to convince you to stay while he cheated.
NTA – you are not compatible
ENM only works when everyone is on the same page. But what hes doing it just cheating and calling in polyamory.
NTA you deserve better than this.
>My soul mate
I don’t know… I always thought your soul mate wouldn’t fuck other people.
NTA. You married monogamy, not “80% monogamy.” Poly isn’t wrong, but it’s not for you and you’ve compromised enough. Wanting a relationship model that doesn’t hurt you isn’t selfish, it’s survival.
NTA. This is fundamental compatibility issue. And is this poly thing really for both of you? Could you find another man, would your husband really be fine with that? If the answer is no, it’a not about polyamory at all.
NTA. It sounds like your husband convincing you he’s polyamorous is just a way to manipulate you into condoning his cheating. What an ass.
Nta. If you can‘t live with him if he does x & you can‘t change your opinion about it then you have tell it to him on point.
In my eyes you did everything right, u talked always to him & you tried to accept it, but u noticed that it destroys you.
So In my eyes, if he is not fine with it then divorce. I think u deserve someone who appreciates u more than him
If he chooses polygamy, divorce. If he chooses monogamy, go to marriage counseling. You deserve better.
NTA. He was cheating on you, you forgave him and agreed to polyamory and he still refuses to be present for you. He doesn’t put you first in his life, time for you to stop putting him first in yours.
And given his track record, I doubt he would be monogamous even if he said he would.
He’s not polyamorous he just doesn’t want to feel guilty for cheating on you. You’re not compatible. You may have been at one point, but you’re not now.
You are the asshole for telling him he could cheat on you, when you weren’t ok with him cheating on you. Polyamorous is a relationship practice, not a “condition,” identity, or mental state. I am hard-pressed to believe that you thought it was some uncontrollable identity that you had to adapt to. You are in a really toxic relationship, and you should leave. I know that is easier said than done, with multiple children, but this relationship will never recover from all of this mess.
NTA! Let him find his 20% go out and find your 100%
NTA. You didn’t marry a polyamorous man he changed the terms of your marriage, and you tried to adapt, for years, at great emotional cost. That’s not sustainable, and it’s completely fair for you to say you can’t do this anymore. Love isn’t enough when your basic needs and boundaries are being compromised. You deserve peace
He’s not monogamous if he’s 80% monogamous. That’s not how it works.
Dude seems to have no respect for you.
Cheater. There I said it.
Soo…your husband was cheating on you, then somehow convinced you that he was poly so you’d stay…
Op you’re NTA for asking him…but you’re being TA to yourself for staying with this loser…
You dont ” discover your polyamorous” it isn’t a sexual orientation. Your husband decided he wanted to sleep with lots of woman …..
I am very sorry for you but dont let him trick you into thinking this just happened to him – he has just made a choice .
It’s people like your husband who give real polyamorous people a bad name. There are far too many people out there (like your husband) who use “polyamory” as a way to cheat on there partners and have it be ok.
Real polyamory is not just “be with whomever I like, whenever I like”. Real polyamory has rules and respect for your number one partner. There are conversations between you two about boundaries. THAT is what real polyamory is.
Your husband has just found a way to stick himself in anything he wants and have you be ok with it. That is NOT real polyamory.
>He is my best friend. My soul mate,
No, he’s not. Your real soul mate wouldn’t do this if you were not 100% comfortable. NTA.
You cant live like this it will ultimately destroy you. Speak with a lawyer TODAY! It will be sad for him the day he realizes he lost everything for his selfish primal needs, but by then you will have a new life. best of luck.
He is not your soulmate. A soulmate would NEVER be messaging another woman while you were in active labour with his child. Would you honestly want your children to be in a relationship where their pain matters less than their partners gratification? I suspect your answer would be no so why don’t you want better for yourself? Also don’t model this dynamic for your children, it’s toxic.
Do not trust him if he chooses to be monogamous with you. He has shown you who he is. Believe his actions! You need to leave.
NTA This isn’t what you signed up for, plain and simple. When you two got together, you were monogamous. That’s what you signed on for. He’s allowed to feel how he feels but pushing you to accept him seeing other people in this way is a major asshole move. AND IN THE DELIVERY ROOM? Most women I know would leave their husbands in pieces by the highway if they pulled that. That is INSANE. Ethical Non Monogamy is a thing, some people are very happy with it, can maintain dedicated, healthy relationships like that, etc. From the sound of it you are not one of those people. That’s not polyamory, that’s cheating on you. in order for it to be polyamory you would have to actually be ok with it, which you aren’t.
You should have had this conversation a long time ago, the moment it started hurting you. If your only choices are for you to hurt mentally while you allow him to cheat, or for him to hurt mentally while he stays married to the woman he loves in the relationship dynamic he agreed to, it’s a no brainer. He agreed to monogamy from the start, unless you find another dynamic that you are ACTUALLY ok with, your relationship should stay monogamous.
Humans are funny lol
Your soul mate.
Yet, you aren’t his soul mate.
He will go from being openly poly to lying and cheating.
Let him leave. He needs to go sleep in the bed he made.
What did he say? Updateme
Go post this in r/polyamory
Even the good folks there who believe 100% in polamory will tell you what a useless ass clown your husband is.
NTA
A poly relationship only works when both people are fully committed to it. That’s not the case here. You are obviously not poly, therefore your husband is not in a poly relationship. You’ve been in a one-sided open-relationship, and that’s clearly not working for you.
You are NTA for asking that he be monogamous with you, since you are monogamous. However, to be honest, I don’t know why you’d even give him a choice. You should likely just divorce him, because his behavior over the years is not that of a good partner. The fact that he’s told you that he’ll never be 100% with you, even if he gives in and settles for monogamy, would be enough for me to realize it’s not going to work.
It seems to me that you two are not compatible. Hell, he cheated on you when you were pregnant with your second child, you tried polyamory (even though you aren’t poly at heart) and had two more kids with him! I think 2015 was the time to divorce him, honestly.
Sorry but he is not your best friend, best friends don’t treat you that way. He’s not your soul mate because you guys want different lifestyles. Stop putting sugar on BS. He’s not going to change. So you have to decide if you want to live your whole life miserable with him or want to leave and feel the pain for the loss for a little while and then move on to happy.
The fact you took him back after the labour incident just told him he can do what he wants and you’ll lay down and put up with it. He isn’t poly, he needed an excuse to keep cheating and you believed it.
NTA at all! and also I should note that if you find out you’re poly and decide to go outside your marriage BEFORE discussing it with your significant other, that’s still cheating.
NTA You love him but he doesn’t love you. He knows it was hurting you and really doesn’t care. For your mental health it might be time for a divorce. Find someone who can choose you every time and not guilt you
He’s not polygamous. He’s unfaithful.
NTA but you need to do what is right for you and leave him. He already told that he isn’t completely happy with only you and is missing something. So even if he choses to be monogamous he will not be happy and you again will end up miserable. If he loved you the way you loved him he would be content with you only. Chose the divorce for yourself and find someone that has the same values when it comes to marriage and commitment. Don’t keep stressing yourself out over a man that clearly doesn’t deserve to be with you.
Him texting someone while you are giving birth is wild, especially if he is talking about kinks to another woman. How are turned on or talking about sexual stuff while your partner is giving birth to YOUR child? While the person you supposedly love is in pain? This alone shows me that he does not love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I feel like most men, (as a man I can only speak from my perspective) feel drawn to variety and novelty. The idea that that is now a special designation for people is absurd. Most of us have the capacity to be polyamorous, but many choose not act on it or entertain it in our minds for a variety of reasons. The idea that people just lay this on their partner with whom they have a monogamous commitment like they just have to deal with it because that’s just the way they are is absurd. NTA.
NTA he just wants to cheat with your blessing. You don’t get to change the rules unilaterally in the middle of the game. He probably already has a target in mind and odds are he has already done the deed.
NTA. My friend’s husband pulled this “I’m poly but only after marriage” crap. She left, and guess who suddenly wanted monogamy again? Guess what? He’s still single.
NTA even a tiny little bit. It breaks my heart when people enter ENM/poly relationships when it seems to be under duress (or at least where both parties aren’t enthusiastically on board).
I’m sorry you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, OP. I hope you figure it out.
Well he’s not cheating, you’ve worked to accept it, clearly for some time. So anyone saying he IS cheating is just blowing smoke up your ass.
You gave it a chance to see if it would work, it didn’t. You tried, and no one can blame you for how you are feeling. While he isn’t cheating, he also isnt a decent husband. Phone calls and or texts from ones spouse should take priority over his desire to dip his wick. That says so much about who he is, monogamous or not.
This relationship means more to you than it does him. because if your feeling mattered, you wouldnt be here asking us for help.
NTA. You need to put your mental health amd peace first. He is not being fair to you. Hugs
End that marriage. He cheated and is still cheating but justifies it by calling it a different term.
No youre NTA. Your husband is TA. Hes been gaslighting you for years. Polyamory isn’t a conditioning its not a religious beliefs its a lifestyle choice he’s choosing to fuck other women because he wants to its not something he’s been diagnosed eith and has to live with. You need therapy you keep defending him you’ve got Stockholm syndrome from being gaslit for years. Fuck your husband he’s a piece of shit. Its a lifestyle choice and unless you’re choosing to live that way together then it’s just cheating. Like as a comparable situation help you see it in another light. What if you husband was into bdsm and you weren’t but he just decided to practice it without you being on board. Then he’s just beating you and physically harming you for fun while you’d sit there and say oh its just who he is I have to accept it because I love him. Bullshit no you don’t that would make him an abuser. And right now he’s a cheater.
He’s definitely not your soulmate, he’s just who you’ve been used to being with all this time. Soulmates are meant for each other and don’t pain each other like this. As hard as it may seem, your soulmate is out there and your current husband is keeping you from finding them. You should divorce while you still have strength in you. Then focus on you and the children and when you least expect it, Creator will send you who you’re actually meant to be with. This man struggles with deception and responsibility. He’s selfish, getting what he wants at the cost of your peace and not prioritizing you. You’re NTA and he’s a big one.
Are you sure he never did anything beyond flirting and touching? There might be more that he has that he won’t tell you about.
Your soulmate wouldn’t cheat on you. Grow a spine. YTA for putting your children through this in the first place.
NTA, this is inherently a dealbreaker. It sucks that this clash has come up, but this is something no one should do if they aren’t on board with it (mono or poly). Also, in case he seems confused lol, he can’t just decide to talk to other women or flirt or grab them lmfao, that’s just cheating. There are still rules, boundaries, transparency, and all that in polyamorous relationships.
“He has had a few people over the years that he has wanted to be with and wanted to do more with. Would flirt with them at work. Grab each other. Tease. He told me about it. We communicated. It didn’t go beyond that and I was so relieved when they quit or he left work. Like I could finally breathe.” Feels like you weren’t okay with this at all (I wouldn’t be either). Did he talk to you before doing all that? Because that would be cheating. People seriously need to understand to talk to their partner about boundaries with others BEFORE doing the thing.
“He later figured out that he is polyamorous” – no dear, he wanted to cheat.
Edit to add: and you let him.
He is a cheater, not polyamorous!
Poly people are gross. I don’t care what anyone says about not kink-shaming, that’s the most self serving BS. Poly is disgusting. It’s strictly for slimy suburban sociopaths and there’s always a dark current to it. It’s always about power and humiliation if you dig down on it. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who was into that foul shite, never mind partners. You have to watch your back constantly with them. NTA. Leave the dirty old perv. He doesn’t give a toss about you.
He isn’t your soul mate. He is a cheating scum.
NTA. You can do better.
He’s not your soul mate. While you were pushing one of his children out of your body, he was sexting another woman about his kink. Get rid of this fucker, you deserve some peace (and real love).
I’m sorry, but you’re an idiot for falling for his bullshit. Polyamory, as everyone else has stated, isn’t a sexual preference. He can’t be polyamorous. He wants to be in a pokyamorous relationship. He’s cheating on you. Wake the fuck up. He’s not your soul mate if he’s willing to cheat on you. I don’t even feel sorry for you with how deep in denial you are.
NTA. Also if he’s only 80% in it, I sure hope he’s not your soulmate
Your husband is the AH. He is selfish, and cannot control his penis. Just divorce and coparent. You deserve someone less self centered.
Girl if you dont fucking leave… he obviously has no respect for you
you’re only TA if you stick around with this selfish mf…
leave and fall in love with someone who values and respects you and is happy to be with you and only you!
I promise you there is someone out there who will give you all of them infinitely, not no damn 80 percent
That man isn’t husband material, let alone even your best friend…
Run for the hills
What he wants is an open marriage, not polyamory. NTA.
If you can divorce him divorce him don’t give him a choice anymore.
When I read the stories, it is always an excuse for the man to have permission to cheat. Polyamory is a lifestyle that you do together. Not him getting some and you don’t.
I understand him, and I understand you. It’s a tough desition….
Sadly, my advice is that you must separate, even if it breaks your world.
Gladly, I assure you that, even if you may not believe it now, time heals everything, and you will be way better.
Still amazed that people still fall for that BS
>He later found out that he is polyamorous
Nah, he later found out that he was selfish, and worse, that he didn’t mind being selfish.
If he was ACTUALLY polyamorous, he would be doing it in a way that doesn’t hurt you. There would be rules, and he wouldn’t break them. He wouldn’t say that his cheating behavior is actually just the lifestyle that he wants to live. He wouldn’t have started this by cheating on you.
YTA to yourself
He is a cheating piece of shit, and has already cheated SEVERAL times (and that’s just what you know)
Toss it to the streets and take EVERYTHING in the divorce
Husband sounds like a degenerate piece of shit who should have been cut out of your life the night you had your baby.
What’s it like to live in this constant anxiety? Knowing you have four kids and it will affect them?
May divorce be with you
Tell him to focus on being a dad and not who his next piece of ass is going to be.
He’s not your soulmate, clearly
And he doesn’t love you
OP, I had to ask a couple of friends who are or were poly (one was poly but found a better relationship and went monogamy for her new partner) and they all said “Did he ask his wife first? If he didn’t ask his wife if she was ok with him being with someone before doing the dirty, then he is cheating and using poly as an excuse to sleep around. You’re supposed to talk to your partner/s before pursuing another person and before bringing them into the mix and not just sleep around without getting permission first. There is cheating in poly and not asking your partner/s first is a sign of cheating” so idk if you wanna take that into consideration OP. I’m not poly, never been, know it isn’t for me. But from my friends who are or were saying this I would have a serious talk with your husband
NTA. He’s an asshole by the way.
NTA, he’s using being polyamorous as an excuse to cheat on you.
You’re not the ass, you’re fooling yourself. Even if he agrees, he won’t change. He’ll just find the way to be with other women secretly.
YTA – only to yourself. You deserve better than this. Poly only works when BOTH people 100% are on board. This is just him cheating.