I got married recently. I am not comfortable with the relationship my wife has with the father of her kids. I might be the asshole, a lot of my friends say I am. But I just can’t see it.
I knew she had kids. I do too. Mine are adults. Hers are 6 and 12. She and the father of the kids split on okay terms but she initiated the divorce.
We’ve been together for two years and married for three months. She was two years post-divorce when we met.
She has shared custody of her kids. Not a formal court ordered arrangement or anything, they do Friday afternoon through Monday morning at Dad’s and weekdays at my and their mother’s place.
There’s just something off about how her relationship with him continues on and on. It’s all good and important to be cordial at custody exchanges and remain on good terms. I’m not saying I wish for tension between them. The opposite. In fact, part of what attracted me to her was how mature she was about her divorce and the way she kept her kids out of it.
The thing is, sometimes she’ll spend the entire weekend with her husband and kids. Nothing inherently suspicious, they go on outings with the kids. But her ex is not re-married. I am not invited on any of these outings because it is a “family trip.”
They also text throughout the week and speak on the phone at least once or twice. She hangs out with him sometimes without the kids, even. Last month they got lunch. Alone. That’s super weird to me. I’m also her family now. It made me seem like the second string.
I told her the level of closeness and communication she had with her ex was making me uncomfortable and I’d appreciate being invited on some of these outings or at least that they not make a habit of seeing each other without the kids present. Just that their dynamic shift a bit. The entire point of the divorce is that they ended their relationship.
Specifically, I asked she not go over there this weekend so we can have time together. She said she wanted to have this discussion in a calmer head and left. That was at around 11:00am today and she didn’t come back. She is staying the night at her friends’place.
I can see where I might be making a problem where there isn’t one or expecting too much of her. Not sure how to put this but it’s basically that I feel this is the most reasonable of any unreasonable request I could make.
AITAH for encouraging her to set boundaries regarding her ex husband?
Comments
NTA, that should have been addressed before you got married. If she wants to spend so much time with him why did she even bother getting with you.
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NTA, she married you but tells you that you aren’t family. There’s a big problem there.
This isn’t a marriage. It sound more like she’s in a relationship with him, and you’re the side piece.
I think she should just move back in with him. Go find someone who actually wants to be with you and only you.
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Boundaries definitely need to be agreed on and respected by both of you. She married you and your relationship should take priority over him. Her kids do not sound like they suffer because they’re not together.
Sorry to be that guy, but I’ll say it. She’s still in love with him…and possibly they’re still banging. I had an EXTREMELY similar and unfortunate relationship with my ex. You feel like “second string” because you are. I used to refer to myself as “second fiddle” (not sure if that’s the Canadian expression). Best of luck
NTA everything about this is a huge red flag. You need to have a serious conversation with her but honestly I would divorce her. Maybe she’s not over her ex. Do you know why they even divorced?
ESH. After you got married you became family and her icing you out of family events is weird imo. If it was occasionally “just giving the kids some time with their bio parents” then that would be one thing. This is the kind of dynamic that may be beneficial for kids and may also be very confusing. I mean “if mommy and daddy get along so well why aren’t they married? Why do we have to live in two different houses?”
Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment and it doesn’t seem like your relationship with her kids is very important to her. You’ve been with her since her youngest was 4 and will hopefully be around beyond the kids reaching adulthood.
I can’t emphasize enough though that you should have had this discussion before marriage if you wanted a change.
YTA.
She was like this before you got married and you married her anyway. all these problems are yours because you had unspoken expectations that something about being married was going to change the way she parented and remained family with her ex.
There’s nothing wrong with her having a healthy relationship with her ex. Everyone here is quick to go after your wife forgetting that this is exactly how she was before you married her and now you want her to change. That’s stupid and fucked up, because you are making your problems her problems.
If you are really worried about your marriage or really worried about this being an issue, you would tell your wife that you wanted to go to marriage counseling and make it a nonnegotiable.
She must have been doing this while you were dating, why did you marry her?
You had TWO years of dating to suss this out. You decided that 3 months after the marriage to find issue? YTA
NTA. These people commenting are actually nuts, judging by comment history, they are mostly scorned women and children. It is entirely inappropriate for her to be spending this much time with her ex. You want your wife to have a good relationship with her ex for the sake of the kids, not a bestie to reminisce with every other weekend. Be clear with your expectations, good luck OP.
Wow dude-all I can say is I’m sorry. This would be unacceptable to me. Why’d they divorce-if you know. Did he cheat?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you ask her not to go out to lunch or dinner with him without either you or the kids but YRTA because you never discussed this with her prior to getting married. This is something you should have talked to her about as your relationship with her progressed. So once you got to the stage of marriage, you knew exactly where the both of you stood and where to set the boundaries. You can’t assume anything in a relationship you need to talk about things.
NTA
You are in a bad situation.
I expect way more is going on in this situation.
Protect yourself here man and be ready to cut her loose.
This does not smell right.
She should not have divorced him and not inflicted her weird divorced-not really divorced crap on you.
Bro wtf did you marry into this??
If what you’re saying is she’s prioritizing her time with her ex and not with you too, that’s a problem. I would be concerned that she’s might be with you for your income.
ESH. Get into marriage counseling.
Op you should have never married her without addressing this first. Why did they divorce? There should be no reason why they need to hang out alone or talk that much unless it’s related to the kids. She’s still treating him like her husband and your a side piece. If I was remarried my husband would be included in everything because he is now my husband. I would highly suggest marriage counseling and if she refuses to change I would honesty divorce.
It’s not unreasonable to expect that a partner’s past stay in the past.
YTA It sounds like she has a good, solid friendship with the father of her children, something the children will be grateful for later on. If you interfere with that, you’re an AH and she’ll divorce you too.
What are you afraid is going to happen? What is the specific reason this bothers you? Do you think they’re either having or going to have an affair? What are your concerns?
Marrying someone else doesn’t mean she’s moved on. This is what you get for getting with someone who has no boundaries and an inappropriate relationship with her ex. Leave now while your marriage is new.
Get an annulment. It’s only been 3 months and less messy than a divorce.
NTA. It’s great to get along when you have kids together, but this is excessive! You are totally being excluded and I agree she sees you as the “second string.” There’s no reason for you not to be included in these outings – you’re supposed to be her new family. Her excluding you is showing the kids that you don’t matter. And the 2 of them hanging out alone…I would so not be cool with that. There are so many red flags 🚩 here. I hate to say it, but I think you got married too soon. She is still in a relationship with her ex.
NTA. What she’s doing is highly inappropriate and disrespectful to her new relationship. The closeness should’ve stopped WELL before marriage.
Shewwww buddy. You’re fucked. You just can’t see the forest for trees.
Updateme
YTA
That’s odd, to be sure, but that’s who you married. You absolutely do not get to step in and say that their dynamic needs to change for you. That’s an unusual thing, but that’s what they have going. It makes some sense for the kids, but definitely makes you not-family.
This was 100% a pre-marriage conversation. After marriage, you’ve already committed to an existing mess.
Planning on someone being different after marriage is bet that you just lost.
I doubt she’s at her friend’s house…she’s likely with him.
ESH.
She’s not communicating well, and should definitely include you in at least some of these outings. A bit weird that she doesn’t.
On the other hand, frankly, a lot of this just looks like good parenting and what it means to have a healthy friendship with an ex, especially one you have to coparent with and parted with on amicable terms. Lots of people think you can never be friends with exes, which is why you’re getting all these comments insisting that she’s cheating. I think the reality is a lot more complicated and dependent on individuals and particular contexts.
Also…this was definitely an issue you should’ve discussed before marrying her. She probably feels like you’re pulling the rug out from under her. It’s just not cool.
This sounds weird. You should be included, you are married, presumably you aren’t going anywhere.. why aren’t YOU family?
And her reaction to you asking for quality time with you, her current husband, and an ounce of respect in regards to time spent with her ex because you feel uncomfortable is to storm out and sleep at her friend’s? What is she a teenager? You are married!! Sleep on the couch like a nornal adult and talk about it in the morning. This defensiveness is a huge red flag to me. Were you not calm when discussing your feelings?
Did she have ANY response to her reasoning to continue this “family dynamic”? There are apps and just straight up texting/calling if they need to discuss co-parenting things like kids grades, etc.
NTA
Sorry but if your wife doesn’t see the issue and spends weekends with her ex because of the kids, that’s a red flag. Sorry, but they are not a family anymore and as long as she plays this fake family life, her kids are going to be more confused.
She’s married to you now, not the ex. If she wants to continue to act like a child when you bring this up should show you she doesn’t value communication
What wife (or husband) doesn’t come and decides to stay with a “friend”? Yeah I’m calling bullshit on that and would tell her if she doesn’t come home, then consider herself a single mom again because you’re filing for divorce. She’s not 13 having a sleepover party. If she’s married, she should be home with you.
“Staying the night at her friend’s place”
Sure
NTA. Hate to say this, but you should have dealt with this before there was a wedding. She’s clearly living half in, half out of her first marriage. They’re pretending to be an intact family when they’re not. She really wasn’t ready to get married again and now you’re suffering for it. Just the fact that her response to you saying you don’t like being excluded was to run away overnight is a big red flag. You need to insist on a conversation where you both calmly discuss how this will go forwards.
I think marriage counseling is appropriate here. She’s not treating you like a husband and she’s confusing her kids by pretending their family still exists as one unit.
Nta. She couldn’t handle the long haul with him, but now she can have him for fun time (weekends, dinner dates, and outings) while you carry the baggage of the day to day. Gtfo, and make sure you have some self respect and communication in the next relationship.
You didn’t know this before you married?
Dude, she is way wrong on this one. You are not wrong in asking for what a normal marriage should look like. There is zero reason to go on lunch dates with and ex without you!! You better get a lawyer quick!! Because there is no good reason to leave you and spend the night at a friend’s house.
She can leave you and immediately move back into ex husband house at the blink of an eye…
she left the husband , no adultry and kids , why? The usual bs emotionally not there , worked to much blah blah . Saw after two year it was hard so found you ( backup) and since you said. Thing while dating she realizes you are weak . Anytime I hear no formal court order with kids I feel
Something funny is going on. Anyway you let her stay with ex and kids
And play house. Sometimes people
This naive deserve some realty
I’ll be blunt. She’s treating you like you come second to her ex. Co-parenting is one thing, but leaving you out of “family weekends,” still playing happy family with her ex and kids, meeting up with him alone, and talking to him constantly is completely inappropriate. She’s prioritizing her old relationship over you, and you’re being sidelined in your own marriage. If she wanted a real future with you, she’d set clear boundaries. This is not a phase that’s going to magically end, and once you have kids together it will only get more complicated. Cut your losses and leave before you’re dragged further into this mess.
Just a public service announcement, for everyone, that relates to OPs experience here.
If you want to have a friendship with a member of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship, the very first thing you need to do, is get your partner involved, invited and on board with this relationship.
Set specific plans and dates where all parties are invited. Try to avoid specific events where the partner is unwelcome. If shit slides in the direction of secrecy and discretion is required. Your deep in red flag territory.
Remember, marriages are typically sworn in vows of honor. Sneaking around and running off are not in any code of honor.
YTA for not working this out before marriage, but not necessarily TA for having concerns.
So much of this is going to be about context. If he has the kids on weekends, how else does she get to do fun things with her kids? Weekdays only brand she does all the hard work and gets none of the fun.
Why are they meeting for lunch? Do they consider themselves friends? Some people can shift to being friends. It’s rare, but it happens. Or is this a regular time for them to discuss the kids without having the kids present?
You need to approach this and wanting to understand. Ask her some more questions, and listen to the answers. This may be something you can work through together and be very happy with the result. It may not.
Sir she was doing this for 2 years why does it bother you now?
Never let a person make you feel bad for choosing not to tolerate their disrespect anymore. Nothing is wrong with respecting yourself.
I would go to therapy over this to communicate clearly.
Eh, YTA
The entire point of a divorce is that two people end their marriage, not their relationship. Especially if they ended on okay terms.
I can understand you having a problem with your wife and her ex husband and their one on one time. That IS weird
But it is great that your wife and her ex husband get along for the time they spend as a mother/father/kid group (aka ’family’). You aren’t part of that dynamic, sorry.
Find something to do on the weekends. Pick up a hobby. Hang with your friends or your kids (aka YOUR ‘family’)
Dude, you’re the side-piece. Or maybe you have money and are her sugar daddy side-piece. Ask for an annulment or a divorce and don’t date if you cannot read people. Get help with that, there were signs and you excused and thought it would magically disappear after the “I do’s”. Now you see those same things but now they aren’t to your liking. As I said, you need help. You don’t know how to read people. You think people will change after the ring’s on. And then you’ll have authority and be the only priority and send the ex into oblivion. You saw what you wanted to see and now face reality. YTA
I dont understand why you got married if your day-to-day was already like this the whole time. This isn’t a fairy tale where a ring changes someone the moment they put it on. It may eventually do its thing, just like more realistic fairy tales, but it also may not. Boundaries should have been set as a condition of getting married, not “let’s go ahead and get married and see what changes.”
This is right up there with “I’ve tried nothing and im all out of ideas” level of “what were you thinking?”
So ESH. No boundaries were set or discussed, and you’re wondering if you’re the AH for waiting months after getting married if maybe a boundary should exist.
That said, the bigger issue is clearly that a wife isn’t including her own husband in a family event. I get that family meant something else before, but it should include you now.
Maybe check with a lawyer and see if its too late to get annulled. Clearly, she isn’t thinking of herself as married.
They’re fucking, or will be.
You are a stand in.
Are you sure she’s staying at her friend’s?
NTA. She’s got no business going on weekend trips with her ex and without you. Super disrespectful.
NTA. Get an annulment ASAP, dude.
This is a weird situation.
NTA. That’s pretty terrible of her to put you through that. Sounds like you were a rebound and she’s not over her ex. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and that you married her 🙁 was she doing this before you guys got married? And isn’t two years post divorce pretty quick to get remarried? Did you propose to her?
NTA. There is no reason for her to be taking time away form yuu so she can be with her ex without the kids. I think your marriage isn’t what you think it is.
NTa, boundaries need to be set from the beginning. It’s not normal for someone who is married to somebody to spend their weekend with their ex on a constant basis.
NTA.
You are perfectly reasonable.
I don’t see why she cannot meet you half way.
My concern with your situation is how the kids are perceiving this. I know my kids specifically always wanted me and their dad to get back together. So the more she’s involved with the dad, and also family time with the dad is very confusing to the kids. They are going to think You are the bad guy who took mommy away from daddy. They’re also going to think you’re the bad guy because mommy can’t get back with daddy because you’re in the way.
Like everyone else has said this was a conversation to be had during the engagement before you guys got married. Now that you’re married, it needs to be a discussion and I would also go to counseling, or at least have her go to counseling to talk about how the optics look for her kids and the possible Repercussions that it may have by being married to one guy and dating and playing wife to their dad too.
YTA This wasn’t something that was sprung on you post wedding. You knew the dynamic. Knew you didn’t like it. Then married her expecting your wife, her ex, and their children to bend to your will. If you don’t come to an agreement you will destroy your marriage, alienate the children, and harm her co-parenting relationship.
I say all this as someone who would never be okay with that level of interaction between exes. I also wouldn’t seriously date or marry anyone with that situation.
She got upset because she knows you are right. She also doesn’t want to change the relationship she has with her ex. She is thinking about separating from you. She is conflicted. NTA
Nta. Me and my ex have a really chill, friendly relationship for our kids, he even takes my stepson too, but we don’t hang out solo or constantly talk. My husband spends time with him over car stuff. We do family stuff together without partners but we were not really close. My husband us probably closer to my ex than me lol