So here’s the thing. I’ve been quiet about this for a while, but it’s been messing with my head. My wife has this super close guy best friend. Like… they go way back. And yeah, I get it people have friends. I’m not the “you can’t have friends” type. But lately, she’s been spending a lot of time at his apartment. Sometimes she’ll say she’s going over to “watch movies” or “just chill for a bit.” It always sounds casual, but something about it just doesn’t sit right with me. I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something more. Call it gut instinct or whatever, but I’ve seen the way he looks at her. And the way she laughs with him like she used to with me. One night, she stayed over there till 1 a.m. She swore nothing happened, and maybe that’s true, but I couldn’t sleep. I just laid there staring at the ceiling like an idiot. I felt so dumb. Like, who even lets their wife hang out that late at some guy’s place? I asked her about it and she said I was being insecure. That it’s my problem, not hers. It got worse when I found out she didn’t even tell me she was going over there one afternoon. Her phone died, and I was texting and calling for hours.
I was about to call hospitals. When she finally texted back, she was like, “Relax, I was just at his place. Didn’t think it was a big deal.” Didn’t think it was a big deal? I felt like I was losing my mind and she didn’t even think to send a heads up? So I told her, straight up I don’t want you going to his place anymore. If he really respects you and our relationship, you can hang out somewhere else, or better yet, invite him over here if it matters that much. She said I was trying to control her. That I didn’t “trust her” and I was acting jealous and needy. Then she stormed out and stayed the night at her sister’s place. Now I’m sitting here wondering if I really am being too much. But I swear, this doesn’t feel right. I’m not okay with it. And maybe that makes me possessive or whatever but it feels like I’m the only one here trying to protect the relationship. So yeah.. AITAH?
Comments
Jesus christ NTA. Have some fucking self respect and end this, are you insane?
NTA. Even if she isn’t physically cheating with him, she clearly doesn’t give a f about your concerns, and would rather hang out with him into the early hours of the morning than spend time with you. Emotional cheating is a thing.
ESH. But, deep down…1:00 am….seems sus.
Find a way to spy on her and find out what’s going on
Befriend the gorgeous neighbour
Since she went low, take her to hell 😂
NTA. Your wife has a boyfriend. You shouldn’t have married her
I have friends who are opposite sex. I would NEVER hang out alone at their place for the exact reason you mention, I protect my marriage. NTA.
NTA at all. I’m a 45 f and have tons of guy friends. But our rule with each other is no solo hang outs in private, no inviting “back to my place” (either direction), and the other person knows. Even say a Twitter friend I’m talking to I’ll be like – “Oh yeah coffee guy” to help my husband indenting mentally who I’m talking about when sharing a funny anecdote. He will nerve be caught off guard or surprised by someone in my life. That’s part of my vows to love honor and cherish.
Your wife’s behavior isnt honoring or respectful towards you at all.
If I were you I’d say “so your crush on Guy is pretty evident at this point and not worth arguing about. My question is what are you going to do to protect our relationship and make sure you aren’t disrespecting what we have?”
Her answer will tell you a lot about how much of your wife you still have.
If it’s innocent, why are you not invited?
Her “phone died” eh? It is not appropriate for a married woman to spend one on one time in another man’s house in the first place. No more than if you were spending the same amount of time at another woman’s home. Your instinct on that is correct, no matter what she says.
She’s not listening to your concerns and worries and just brushes it off by saying „you’re jealous, INSECURE“ and „didn’t think it was a big deal“ when you obviously told her how you felt about it.. I’m sorry but she’s not respecting you. Even if they’re not intimate together and nothing happened. The way she responded is a huge red flag. She values her „friendship“ with that guy more than she values her marriage (that’s just what it seems like, I could be wrong). NTA.
NTA. There is something there, so trust your gut. Her responses to you were ‘gaslighting 101’.
Sorry man, this is absolutely not normal behavior and you are being used at this point.
“You say he’s just a friend, you say he’s just a friend…”
you’re not the bad guy. it’s not a matter of control, it’s a matter of respect. staying at a friend’s place until 1am without telling her and then telling her it’s no big deal’ is a huge lack of consideration. if there’s really nothing wrong, she shouldn’t bother to change the place where you meet. trust doesn’t mean naivety. you didn’t forbid her friendship, you just asked for healthy limits. if she doesn’t understand them, it’s her problem
You might want to sit down, and relax before you read this.
There is NO REASON. NONE. NOT AT ALL WHATSOEVER….for a married woman to be alone with another man who is NOT HER HUSBAND.
Here’s some tough love.
she desires his company more than yours.
They either are currently fucking, or have fucked in the past. Probably both. No, definitely both.
She’s a terrible wife for this.
You have to leave this marriage asap.
You can do so much better than her.
Grab your balls. Stand the fuck up. Privately consult a lawyer and any assets you have, be prepared to protect them. Your lawyer can help with that. AND DIVORCE this hoe! I’ve dumped girls, and been through a divorce myself. Now I’m with an amazing girl several years younger with excellent character, who would NEVER even think or want to pull the kind of shit this hoe is doing to you. You can, and must do this.
good luck.
>I just laid there staring at the ceiling like an idiot. I felt so dumb. Like, who even lets their wife hang out that late at some guy’s place? I asked her about it and she said I was being insecure. That it’s my problem, not hers.
You’re right to think it’s very usual of you to allow this the way you have. Ive never heard of a couple who allowed this kind of behaviour from either partner.
Most people in relationships dont do this sort of thing precisely because even if it is innocent, it absolutely is something that would make someone look like they’re up to something and make a reasonable partner uncomfortable and suspicious. Despite her dismissing your concerns, I think it’s very likely that if it was you going round some woman’s house until this time you’d hear about it from her and she wouldnt have her concerns dismissed as she did yours.
It sounds very much like she’s sleeping with this man and has gradually conditioned you into thinking that her spending hours “just chilling” round his house is normal so she can carry on her affair with impunity.
In my opinion, You’re being pretty naive here to think the likelihood theyre fucking isnt incredibly high.
You’re the 3rd wheel in your marriage. Even if she isn’t physically cheating with him, she’s made it clear the friendship is her priority. You deserve an equal partner and that’s not what’s happening here.
Nta.
NTA, op, and any other man that reads this. If a woman says this to you, controlling, jealous, insecure, etc, and she is acting this way. Know she does not respect you, and the marriage is over.
If it were me op, I would text her and him. I would say this.
I thought about everything. BFFs name, you can have her, I am filing for divorce. When she called me control and insecure for saying you two hang out here. She said no, and said this. There is no respect here anymore. So good luck. I bet she starts to change her mind.
Is she your wife? Shouldn’t she be hanging with you? Isn’t this marriage all about?
Did she actually go to the sister’s place or boyfriends?
NTA: OP’s wife shows all the signs: dead phone (irresponsible); aloof (self-centered); gaslighting (narcissist). With Reddit logic, if the roles were reversed, they would tell OP to call a divorce lawyer immediately.
NTA. Even if it’s not physical, it’s obviously emotional. She’s turning to him instead of you, leaving you alone to feel sad and anxious and disregarding your concerns. the average person would feel off about their partner spending excessive amounts of time with someone else. It’s definitely a her problem. Absolutely inappropriate for a married woman.
Don’t even talk to her about it anymore, just start making a bunch of social media posts about spouses not having respect for each other’s boundaries and how that leads to divorce. Find you a friend girl and start hanging with her, see how well the shoe fits when it on the other foot. She either learn or leave. But she clearly doesn’t care about your feelings at this point, so either she gets on board or leave.
NTA.
The way your post is written, yeah, something inappropriate is going on. At an absolute minimum, this is an emotional affair. She’s going on dates with him while ignoring you and how you feel. That’s not someone who is respecting their relationship with their spouse. I’m also betting that you’re never invited to join them which, to me, would be another major red flag. Especially given her refusal to have him over to your place.
There are a few things I would do in this situation.
First, seek therapy for yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong, but this is a lot to process and there may be more that you have to deal with (i.e. the potential end to your marriage). Having someone to help guide you through that processing could be more important than you currently realize.
Second, when she tries to downplay what you bring up or even insult you (i.e. calling you jealous), ask her why she thinks it’s okay to dismiss your feelings when you’re obviously having concerns about what she’s been doing. I’d also look up “DARVO” and techniques to respond to that kind of behavior because that’s exactly what she’s doing.
Third, start calling her one-on-one time with him “dates”. That’s essentially what they are. They’re private, secluded, date like activities so for all intents and purposes, they ARE dates. If you truly want to drive the point home, start calling him her boyfriend.
Fourth, get a consultation or two with divorce lawyers. The goal is NOT to file. The goal is to learn. Learn what the process is like. Learn what rules and restrictions would go into place once the process starts. Learn what the likely outcomes are and how long it will take. Not knowing what is involved in a step like this can often be the biggest obstacle to finally admitting things are broken beyond repair.
Fifth, start documenting your life. Financial accounts, shared accounts of any kind (club cards, streaming services, etc). Download statements, take snapshots of your financial picture, etc. If it does come to separating, you’ll need all this info anyway.
And for what it’s worth, I seriously doubt she went to her sister’s, not that her sister would tell you otherwise.
There’s a difference between a guy friend and a boyfriend. He’s her boyfriend
NTA. I will never understand how husbands and wives think it’s ok to hang out with others in this way. Meeting at a coffee shop for a quick catch up? Sure! Spending hours and hours alone with someone while having a “dead phone?” Absolutely not.
I have been married for over 3O years and I PROTECT my marriage my never putting myself in a situation that could even remotely be seen as compromising. My husband does the same.
Think about your stress level right now. You KNOW your wife is having an affair and you are watching it like a car crash. She is completely disrespecting you and your marriage and there is no way that you should stay married. You need to save yourself.
This all totally sucks. She is not the wife for you. I am so sorry.
Please tell me that you have a girl in your life that’s just a friend that you can go hang out with? If so, go ahead and start hanging out with her on the regular. Not texting back, etc.
Or go the caveman route. Go see this guy and let him know that if something happens with his wife, that you’ll be more than physical with him. You’ll make it your personal goal to ruin his life.
She clearly doesn’t care about your feelings in regards to him. She values that relationship more than yours.
NTA
Your wife has a boyfriend. Don’t take too long to map out your exit strategy.
I would guess this affair has turned up a notch and she cares less about hiding it from you
‘Something about it doesnt sit right’ man, im sorry. I dont mean to be a jerk, but fucking seriously? Your wife is alone with another man in his house, and something doesnt sit right? I wouldnt stand for my wife hanging out in a public place with another guy without me there. But alone in his house?
Nta. She does not respect you. You could ask how she would feel if you spent the same amount of time at a female friends place.
If she keeps this up you might want to end this marriage even if she now isnt cheating physically it is starting to feel emotionally cheating.
Updateme
NTA. I was her side initially but then she stopped communicating and answering her phone and doesn’t sound like she’s being respectful of your marriage. One of my best friends is a guy and we’ve been friends for over 30 years. When my husband (at this point of over 20 years) and I started dating my husband knew that he was a nonnegotiable in my life and if someone was being kicked to the curb it wouldn’t be my friend. However, there are boundaries that need to be respected. Hanging out with your friend is one thing, but it does seem suspicious that it’s always at his house and that there doesn’t sound like there’s overlap where you guys are all three together at all or with a possible SO for the friend. My bestie and my husband are different people but do get along, even to the point that he’s the godfather of one of my kids. Relationships change over time and you as her husband should be the priority. There can be a healthy way for you all to coexist if it’s only friendship. I honestly can’t imagine ever wanting to be with my friend as he’s family to me, but maybe that’s not the case with your wife OP and her friend. I guess I would talk to her about basic respect and boundaries. That’s a talk that should’ve happened when you guys were dating, but better late than never. From there you’ll be able to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not for you. You deserve to have your marriage and feelings respected. If she loves you that should be a nonstarter. She can have you both in her life as long as everyone stays in their lane with you as her husband and her friend as her friend. It’s possible for everyone to be good, we even take our kids on vacations together, me and my husband, my friend and his wife, our boys, and their daughter. But you need to get her to be honest before that could ever someday be a possibility for you guys.
Once she’s always making excuses for why you can’t contact her, it’s because you are interrupting their inmate time together. Her phone did not die unless she is always having her phone die. Always an excuse, always blaming you for being insecure when in truth it’s her lack of respect for you.
You simply are being played.
NTA. I’ve been married 16 years, together for 22 years. I cannot imagine doing this at all. I don’t even do this with female friends unless it’s a special occasion. There is no reason she needs to spend that much time with him. At a minimum, they are emotionally connected.
NTA. Your wife is not prioritizing your feelings and that sucks. How long have you been married and how old are you guys? This seems super immature on her behalf, because as her husband she should respect your concerns first and foremost. And why does she have so much time to hang out with her best friend? Is he single?
Ask her if you where doing the same thing she was doing would it be ok. The. Do the same thing she is doing and see how she reacts.
You poor soul, if it’s not a physical affair it’s an emotional one FOR SURE..
Women know women very well, the same way men know men very well. With this, nobody’s telling you that the way she laughs with him and the way he looks at her are delusions.
Moreover, her constant dismissal of your feelings and trying to downplay genuine concern over your spouse is so odd. Honestly I think every normal same loving spouse who doesn’t know where their other spouse is and isn’t getting any response would react the same way. I know I would at least, it’s not controlling nor is it a big deal. Would she have done the same had you been gone for a while without her knowledge of your location? If not, this marriage is a definite rethink, because it shows she doesn’t care and she’s shown she doesn’t care in numerous ways.
In a marriage, your partner is now your priority. It’s no longer your family, mum, dad, siblings etc it’s yours. I mention this because usually some spouses still put their parents or siblings as their priority during marriage. In this case her first priority isn’t even her family, it’s a boy best friend which at this point should be referred to as her boyfriend as harsh as that sounds.
What does that say about her? She doesn’t respect you enough to place your concerns and feelings over his. All he has to do is click his fingers and tell her to come over and she’s gone. Would she come back to you if you clicked your fingers and told her to come back? Definitely not.
Nobody stays out till 1 am chilling at the opposite genders house without there being feelings attached. That’s why I’m saying, it’s most definitely an emotional affair and could maybe be a physical one.
I’m sorry you have to go through this, you’re a good husband because honestly you care put your care is put into the wrong person. I’m sure she was lovely to you when you first met, but you have to accept that you’re now using past terms when referring to how sweet she was. You’re a lovely person, we all feel for you.
Does she have other friends that you know about? Are you able to contact them and ask them about her and her boyfriend’s relationship in the past before meeting you? Has she told them anything?
I’m just assuming you’re in America, but if you are, are you at an at fault state? If you are, maybe gather any evidence of cheating via a private investigator because God knows she’ll spin the story in court and you’ll have no evidence to back your claims. They always tend to prefer the women over men in these cases. I know this is all so mean to assume about your wife but again this is the harsh reality of this all. You could go to couples counselling and decide to reconcile after all this, and who knows, you might actually reconcile and become a better couple than you were before. But this will haunt you, maybe not regularly, but it will.
This is definitely an affair and cheating, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Not her, her boyfriend, her family, anyone. Not even redditors
I wish you the best of luck 🫶
She said she was gonna stay at her sisters but she meant the misters. She has no respect for you or your relationship.
Your wife has a boyfriend. Does she even want to be married?
trust your instincts. I would bet she is cheating on you. Right now she is gaslighting you.. I would retain a good divorce lawyer. Dont tell her until lawyer ok you to do so. Get checked for STD. Trust is gone without trust marriage is gone. I would bet she did not stay with sister, but went to bf place. Follow lawyer advise.
update me
NTA. Go with your gut instinct. Trust me.
NTA as lots of posters have said your wife is having an affair, your concerns are valid and she’s gaslighting you.
It’s strange that she’s spending this much time with anyone, never mind a man.
You’ve raised your concerns she has dismissed them.
Sadly it’s now time to act. No more talk.
First thing accept that your marriage is over, anything she does notes is evidence, let it flow over you like water off a ducks back.
Secondly get legal advice. Don’t say or do anything to her until you have legal advice, discuss plans with them and do what you agree is the right thing for you to do
NTA – this is not ok in a marriage. She’s not going out to coffee or to hang out with a group of friends, or out doing activities with him, she’s having 1:1 solo “netflix and chill” sessions at his place. Very often it seems and sometimes without her telling you up front. This is emotional cheating at the very least and given the 1:1 at his place vibe, it’s physical as well.
The “controlling, jealous and needy” response for what is a very reasonable concern on your part is a dead give away that she’s gaslighting and disrespecting you.
Also, you mention in a comment the emotional disconnect. Sorry OP but your marriage is likely over.
I would inform her of your boundary that if she can’t see this isn’t proper behavior for a married woman, and won’t stop that you are going to have to remove yourself from the marrriage.
You don’t have a wife!!!
She prefers his company over yours. If she didn’t, she’d be home chilling and / or watching movies with you.
It’d be a friend thing if she was just having a cup of coffee or something occasionally with him, but she should never be spending time alone in a private setting with him.
You know what’s going on. If she was your dedicated wife she would be doing these things with you not him. It’s an affair and you’re being very blind to believe it’s anything less.
NTA
Sorry OP but I know Reddit is popular for suggesting Divorce straight out of the gate in many situations, but in your case that’s the route I would suggest.
Here’s why.
Even if they have a long time friendship that goes way back, YOU have already noticed the way he looks at her. You know there is more going on than she wants to admit.
She’s emotionally cheating. Even if they haven’t gotten to Physical cheating (yet), she’s still more invested in hanging out with her friend than you.
She’s dismissive of your concerns. Instead of listening to you and actually doing something to assuage your concerns, she attempts to gaslight you into believing that nothing is happening when she’s hanging out with this guy until all hours of the night.
She’s disrespectful of your marriage. Instead of protecting her marriage by setting boundaries with her best friend she is causing all the current issues in your marriage by continuing to hang out with him. She spends MORE time with him than with you. If she invested more time with you, her marriage would become even stronger. Her actions speak to her heart… she considers herself single, not married.
Since her actions reflect her heart, you need to seek to make her reality reflect that. Seek out a divorce lawyer, follow your divorce lawyers suggestions, prepare things financially (start separating assets, move your paycheck to your own bank account, etc), prepare mentally and emotionally to move on.
Once you serve her divorce papers, she might wake up as to how serious this is and that her marriage is in jeopardy and attempt to fix it. You have to decide if its worth it. Due to her past actions and dismissiveness, I would have to see all her past chat records with this dude. If she deleted them, then for me it would be over and done with.
Good luck OP. Stay strong. You got this!
£100 she didn’t stay with her sister.
I understand some people think you should work out marriages ( that be the problem ). In certain situations, why are you still married to her? It’s the pure disrespect of your feelings that’s continuing to happen.
You need to leave. She doesn’t respect you , don’t care how you feel. That’s not someone to married no matter how much you love them that’s not enough.
That is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE behavior from a spouse. Disrespectful AF!!!!!
NTA. Their “friendship” is entirely too close for a married person to have. And as you’ve said, you e seen the looks, her enjoyment of him over time with her husband, it’s inappropriate.
I’d assume the worst with her behavior and bullshit responses trying to turn it on you.
This is why I’d never date a woman with a guy “bestie” she can’t set proper boundaries with.
Updateme
NTA… she is disrespectful to her marriage, which should come before her male friendship
NTA. This is an easy fix. This is the reason why your wife don’t respect you.
You are convenient. Let her extend your stay to her boyfriend / sister and stop communication. It’s become too easy to get a hold of you. Make yourself scarce and hard to find. The mystery of you slipping away will haunt her. Let her see what separation / divorce looks like. Separate accounts as soon as possible.
Divorce happens or it won’t. Why should you care? She doesnt.
She stormed out and spent the night at his place
You’re going to beat yourself up thinking about everything that could be happening. She doesn’t respect that. Just be real to yourself and walk away to something better. She is obviously only looking out for her desires and she desires him.
She shouldn’t ignore your calls and worry you like that. But there’s no reason she can’t hang out at a guy friends place at night. My girl and I both have friends of both genders and we go drinking and crash at their houses or whatever all the time. YTA
NTA. Stayed the night at her sister’s place, I’m sure.
Nope, no way. You can’t live like that.
NTA – Here is an option on how I would play it.
“I understand you can have any friends you want and I would never try to stop you from having those friends. What I am saying to you is that your relationship with ____ is making me extremely uncomfortable and I feel disrespected when you spend time alone with him at his apartment. You have every right to do what you would like, just as I have every right to explain to you how I feel and how my boundaries for our marriage are being crossed. Based on your future actions, I will take my own actions.”
She will start asking you what this means but it is not your responsibility to explain all of that. You simply reiterate that you have explained your feelings and boundaries fully and the ball is in her court.
Two quick points. 1) You need to be CALM and rational when you have this discussion. Remove emotion! 2) If she continues to disrespect your marriage, you MUST be willing to take action, otherwise nothing changes.
The lack of respect she has for you and your marriage is alarming. You are totally not overacting and it’s a huge red flag
Short version. File for divorce.
Longer version. She obviously doesn’t respect you or your relationship. That’s divorce worthy even if she isn’t banging this guy.
Even if you don’t go through with it (I would, but YMMV) it would get her attention as to how serious this is.
Updateme
NTA. She has no respect for you or your marriage. Call a lawyer.
Updateme
If her actions are making you feel insecure and are going to potentially destroy your relationship then saying it’s your problem is failing to take responsibility. It is the change in her behaviour that is causing your insecurity and it is the change in her behaviour she needs to address. The problem is though that you no longer trust that she sees you as her primary partner. Going frequently to a friend’s house whilst leaving your partner to sit at home alone or caring for children isn’t a partnership, it’s running away to avoid your relationship or to be in one that she prefers.
Part of the problem is that she came into your relationship already emotionally attached to him. It’s The exact same as her never breaking up with someone before moving onto you. He is performing in the role meant for you as if she has two husbands and you’re number 2. I’m sure this guy understands what signals this sends but clearly doesn’t care nor have any respect for your marriage or you. When you commit to a serious relationship, let alone getting married, it stands to reason all the others you have go much further down the line in priority and a lot less time spent on them. And you definitely do not gaslight, ignore, or flippantly dismiss the other’s concerns and feelings when boundaries are crossed. Here’s the thing, everything I just wrote is best case scenario which is emotional cheating but the details you gave (prioritizing him, cell phone off, staying late, not telling you where she is/was) lead me to believe there’s a good chance it’s crossed into physical.
Don’t be a dumbass. Of course she’s fucking him. Probably has been for years.
NTA.. You shouldn’t be asking yourself who “lets their wife hang out that late at some guy’s place?” You should be asking yourself, “What kind of wife chooses to hang out that late at some guy’s place rather than with their own husband?”
Emotional. Physical. Cheating is cheating. She’s choosing him over you as the one she wishes to spend time with. With her reactions towards you, she obviously doesn’t respect you or your marriage. It’s time to reevaluate your relationship.
YTA
You let this go, taught her that you were okay with all of this… And now suddenly you want to change everything?
That’s a little abrupt. You can’t make demands of her – where she can and can’t go, who she can and can’t see.
This has to be ai no normal dude would tolerate that shit
She’s fucking him. Break up. I feel sorry for you.
My husband has a best girl friend. Sometimes they golf together but they otherwise never hang out alone. I would never be ok with him being at her house while I was just alone. This is actually true of any friendship, it’s never ok to ignore your spouse and prioritize a friendship over them. You are NTA. She is being obvious with her lack of concern for your feelings. She is selfish and prioritizing her friend over you. That is not someone you can build a life with. Her doubling down and trying to make you the problem is a huge red flag. I’m usually all for people working it out but this seems very one sided. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with you, values your feelings and works to keep the relationship strong… she is not that.
If she doesn’t care about your feelings, why are you still with her? My wife doesn’t have a male best friend, but she still not going to be out till one or 2 o’clock in the morning just like I won’t
>I’ve been quiet about this for a while…
Yeah, that’s the problem. Her relationship with Mr. Bestie should have been addressed long before you married her. However, her reaction is right out of the Cheaters’ Handbook. It looks like she’s more concerned about his feelings than yours. In other words, she doesn’t respect you one bit.
NTA.
She’s defensive, because she’s cheating. You don’t trust her because she doesn’t do anything that can be trusted. She should just stay at her sister’s until the divorce is settled. I doubt she is even at her sister’s. Your relationship is done, she made that decision for you already, just go get the paperwork started so you can find someone that actually cares about you.
Updateme
NTA. At the very least, the relationship you have with your wife is her SECONDARY relationship. Her relationship with her “friend” is clearly the priority. The fact that their “hangouts” consist of her going to his place is sketchy AF. You should start putting together an exit plan. You’re eventually going to be ready to create some kind of boundaries and you’ll probably need it.
NTA you are the third wheel while she dates this guy. It’s an emotional affair at the least and most likely physical as well. If you really want her then she needs to go no contact with her affair partner. Updateme
Nta. I trust my wife. My wife trusts me. We do not put ourselves in a situation where it looks bad. Your wife doesnt care about you or your feelings. And that should be telling.
Honestly divorce her and watch how quickly she and him.gets together.
Are you really sure she stayed at her sister’s?
Looks like it’s going to come down to him or me question. She will say you can’t put me in that situation. That will be your answer.
The other guy is the Ahole. Any real man isn’t going to feel comfortable spending that much time alone with another man’s wife. Your wife is taking advantage of you. Her BF is a punk. Maybe they deserve each other
Definitely start doing the groundwork for dumping her. She seems pretty set in her disrespectful ways. At this point you need to ask yourself are you better off with her or without her? You probably already know the answer. She sounds like a real jerk and we’ve all been there at some point in our lives.
Major red flags my man, in top of that she doesn’t give a shit about your thoughts or concerns , so why you wasting your time?
Listen. They are knocking boots. You need to protect yourself. There is no way they are “just friends”. She says relax. If I was in your shoes she would be gone not only is she cheating on you that are laughing in your face. She cannot even deny it So unless you are okay with the current situation as that man enjoys your wife. Dump her
If it were me, I would ask other woman in front of her as well as other men and show her what the response would be from them? If she has a mother, ask her mother what she thinks.
NTA…………..Just a cuckold. She is playing with her FWB pal.
Best if you move on, she has. Find someone who likes you. Dun let her get pregnant.
NTA. If it was me the moment she informed me she was going to his place I’d say “Ok, no problem. Just pack some clothes for the night and I’ll have the rest of your stuff delivered to his place tomorrow morning. No need to come back or contact me at all. Divorce papers will be served at his place as well.”
Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you.
I doubt she spent the night at her sister’s place. And even if she did, you may bet she spent the night “crying on his shoulder’.
You know why they say. A shoulder to cry on…”
Updateme!
How did you wife this person if this was always going on?
You’ve tried discussing the situation with her, and she won’t consider your perspective, which is a reasonable one. She’s made it clear she is not going to change. I wouldn’t even try to discuss it with her anymore, nor would I give her an ultimatum. I would just tell her that the marriage is not working out, that you’re not happy in it, that you’re not going to be happy in it, and that you want a divorce or dissolution. The only necessary discussion after that is how to go about the divorce/dissolution.
I wouldn’t jump to conclusions immediately. Better to find out definitively if something is going on.
Is the behavior questionable, sure. I have heard people being accused of c being insecure as a way to deflect from the cheating. The issue is people who say that are not always cheating.
I would just figure out if she is cheating or if it’s innocent the adjust from there. An answer helps get out of your own head dwelling on what ifs.
If she is cheating just end it. No need to make it a blow up and give yourself an extra headache. There’s not really anything you can do to make someone feel bad if they are happy with another person so it’s not with the anger.
NTA just terrible communication from her and maybe your end, I wasn’t there so I can’t know for sure.
The best time to get out is before she turns up pregnant and you end up raising that guy’s kid. She spends most of her time with him anyway, let him have her. Once the thrill of sneakiness wears off they’ll get bored with each other. Here’s hoping by then you’ll have found yourself someone good. NTA.
Yo le explicaría que la situación no me hace sentir cómodo y si la persona no quiere cambiar, terminaría la relación, uno no puede prohibirle nada a nadie pero si puede escoger no estar más en una relación donde hay situaciones que no lo sentir bien.
Nta. Ask her how would she feel if the roles are reversed?
Are you sure it is your wife?
YTA “Like, who even lets their wife hang out that late at some guy’s place?” You are being really controlling.
You have two choices here :
– accept that it is her choice to hangout with him and think about a compromise to feel better about the situation (asking to hangout with him sometime is a good idea per example)
– consider it as cheating or not acceptable. And here you can’t control people’s life. You can’t say “You’re not allow anymore”. That is controlling. But you can control your life and leave if you really think she is cheating. And cleartly that’s what you think since a long time, so why staying in this relationship then ?
Updateme
NTA my wife would not settle for this the other way around, you should not either. Marriage often means giving up some -dare I say- childish notions, hangouts of this manner are one of them.
NTA. However, I would have a genuine, non-threatening conversation with the guy. Tell him you are not comfortable with your wife hanging out with a single guy. If he is a decent guy, he will understand and stop having her over. Your wife could freak out, but now the guy is part of the reason the “visits” have ended. Husband and friend both agree they should not hang out at his place. They can hang out at her place only when hubby is there.
Was there a romantic history between them?
Of course, if they are banging, neither will want to stop the visits, and you won’t get any cooperation on their part. This is where it becomes grounds for divorce. Married people must put their relationship above all others. When they don’t, especially if it involves friends, not family, it indicates there is a problem.
This has got to be fake. Cmon man your wife has a boyfriend and prefers spending time with him over you. Get it together and dump her it’s BS
Leave her, thats all you can really do. Everything else will drive you insane
I wouldn’t even ask her to quit going over there. I’d just divorce her immediately. If she is still going over there knowing that it bothers her husband then her loyalty lies with him and not you which means he is going to smash whenever he wants if he hasn’t already, though, it’s highly unlikely that he hasn’t. It’s about a 99% chance they are getting it on. Let’s just say that this is the 1% of the chance that it could be totally innocent, once she found out it bothered you it should have ceased which means it’s eventually going to get into the 99%. Leave her to the streets to which she belongs brother. There are good women out there that wouldn’t do this to you. My wife wouldn’t even be in a group setting hanging out with other guys without me there she would make up an excuse to leave if I couldn’t come and I giver her the same courtesy.
It’s not even about if something is or isn’t happening it’s about not putting that stress on your partner to have to take your word for it. It’s going to be tough enough for them to do it when there is no other choice because you found yourself in a situation you didn’t plan or had no control over you need to save that favor of asking them to trust you for those times not be asking them to do it for situations you could have avoided , that just shows a lack of respect for your partner. Find some one better
“If he really respects you and our relationship, you can hang out somewhere else, or better yet, invite him over here if it matters that much.”
Say that again to her, OP, and pull the plug.
You aren’t possessive, she’s deflecting and aggressive and therefore has done “something.” Sex, whatever, we see it for what it is, and it aint good.
Yes she’s too attacked to this guy and hanging at his apartment does not make sense if you are not there
She’s hiding something and you need to make her tell you the truth or move her into his place and have her visit you to Netflick and chill
No!
She wanna do single things in a marriage. I could tell you to get a girl best friend and hang out with her but that’s petty and will lead to more trouble. What you should do is tell her you’re not comfortable with this and if it continues just divorce her. Her calling you insecure is crazy.
Hire a P.I. so he can document infidelity if possible.For use in court.
Update this one, I’m curious
NTA.
I’m a woman and I have had a couple of male friends 20+ years. I have always been very respectful of the men I’m in relationships with when spending time with these men. First of all, I would never leave a partner wondering where I am. Second, I always invite whoever I’m dating to come with and give them the chance to be included. These guys bring their wives if applicable too. I keep it transparent, open, and honest.
This behavior would be unacceptable to me. When any person is expecting you at a certain place in a certain time frame, its cruel to no call no show for hours. This as a standalone behavior would be too much for me.
NTA. What she is doing is crossing reasonable boundaries. Tell her if she is going to act single, so are you. Whatever you do, don’t show weakness. Weakness feeds this behavior. Take control back. Start with a divorce lawyer. Make her talk you off the ledge.
NTA. Let’s suppose for a moment you were hanging with your female best friend alone, at all hours, your phone dies, you place the monkey on her back when confronted, etc. How would she respond to that?
At the end of the day, even if it’s everything she says, it’s still 100% cruel to do this to your spouse/significan other.
All that said, she’s cheating on you, my man, even if it’s not physical (it almost certainly is), no one deserves to be treated in this manner.
I can only offer up what I would do. I’d 100% be gathering any solid proof that she’s unfaithful, keep her out of the house for as long as you can, and once proof is established, Id have her served at besties house with a note that says, “You can keep this one, its unfaithful and broken, good luck!”.
Husband by Title. That’s You.
NTA. Stick to your ultimatum. You found a reasonable compromise. They can hang out at your place. If it’s platonic. The location should not matter. If she chooses to keep seeing him. She has made her choice
Uh, no.
And where there’s smoke, there’s fire, bro.
NTA I don’t think she spent the night at her sister’s. She is not respecting you or your relationship. She is minimizing your feelings and gaslighting you. She is prioritizing her “friendship” with him more than you. You can’t trust what she says. Watch her actions when people are this deep into an emotional affair, and that’s what it is, her mental state is fogged to protect the lie. She will say and do anything to keep the lie hidden.
Eww wild, thank goodnesd you dont have kids. Safe to cut it off.
Just start doing what she does. Go out, don’t tell her, and put your phone off. Use the same excuses, be petty, or tell her you want a separation, but this can not carry on. NTA
NTA, and I bet the friend has feelings for her.
NTA. And even if she isn’t having a physical affair (unlikely at best IMO), she’s having an emotional one. Which could be even worse. If I were you, I’d contact a lawyer and file for divorce (isn’t one possible reason something like “neglect”?
NTA. Your wife is having an emotional affair – most likely a physical one too. What you choose to do with that information is up to you…
Scotty, she is cheating on you. Get a lawyer.
NTA. This sounds like an emotional affair.
Sorry guy anytime your spouse uses insecure and controlling in a sentence she knows she is doing something wrong and doesn’t want to admit it. Unfortunately this is how women are taught to think these days. They have no concept of respect or responsibility.
Are you invited to these hangouts? If not almsot every time I feel it’s inappropriate
Dude. Dude.
I think you know the truth and don’t want to face it.
Let’s pretend they aren’t fucking. She’s going to his house for a platonic movie night. (I’m sorry, I can’t even type this with a straight face) In this absolute best case scenario she is still totally disregarding and disrespecting your personal relationship and your marriage. She is prioritizing time with another man and just leaving you at home.
I would be absolutely gobsmacked if she wasn’t getting railed every single time she’s been there.
It’s time to end this charade before it gets worse. Have some dignity, man.
SMAACK., you shouldn’t have married her in the first place and now your asking reddit if YTA for not wanting your wife to sleep over at her “friends” place. If you actually believe she hasn’t cheated physically I’ve got a bridge to sell you. How long are you going to continue being a doormat?
She’s emotionally invested in another man. That’s cheating rather she wants to accept it or not. How long have you been married? Also do you have children? If it’s less than 7 years and no kids it’s probably time to call it quits. You’re NTA, she’s crossing boundaries that no married person should cross.
She’s emotionally invested in another man. That’s cheating rather she wants to accept it or not. How long have you been married? Also do you have children? If it’s less than 7 years and no kids it’s probably time to call it quits. You’re NTA, she’s crossing boundaries that no married person should cross.
She’s emotionally invested in another man. That’s cheating rather she wants to accept it or not. How long have you been married? Also do you have children? If it’s less than 7 years and no kids it’s probably time to call it quits. You’re NTA, she’s crossing boundaries that no married person should cross.
If your dumbass thinks she went to her sisters house i got an island to sell you.
Have some self respect and move on. You guys are not compatible and your too much of a pussy to deal any real consequences.
They have a cuck kink for a reason so losers can feel “involved” without feeling left out. At least they got to watch right?
Just stay there with your puppy eyes so when she gets back you can wag your tail and kiss on her.
The best case scenario is that your wife doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your feelings. Worst case scenario, you are the back-up/provider husband to her true love.
Male best friends are in the top three of affair partners – along with co-workers and non-blood family. She’s acting like they are BF and GF.
Set up your boundary as you have done, but be ready to execute consequences when she rolls right on past them or berates you for setting the boundary.
The best case scenario is that your wife doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your feelings. Worst case scenario, you are the back-up/provider husband to her true love.
Male best friends are in the top three of affair partners – along with co-workers and non-blood family. She’s acting like they are BF and GF.
Set up your boundary as you have done, but be ready to execute consequences when she rolls right on past them or berates you for setting the boundary.
My brother in Christ, what the hell are you doing!? This is one of the crazier situations that I’ve come across. You’ve absolutely got to change this dynamic. It’s way beyond acceptable. No person acting in good faith could object to the setting of reasonable boundaries in a marriage. One of those needs to be how one partner is free to relate to members of the opposite sex. I’d have to say ‘Not hanging out at a dude’s apartment until 1 a.m.’ counts as a reasonable boundary.
NTA
So what if your being insecure. Your wife should set boundaries with the friend that will ease your insecurities.
NTA
So what if your being insecure. Your wife should set boundaries with the friend that will ease your insecurities.
Updateme
Updateme
If he respected you her and the relationship he would tell her it’s inappropriate and would find solution involving you. Something is going on, he is positioning for something and in both doesnt respect you or the relationship
If he respected you her and the relationship he would tell her it’s inappropriate and would find solution involving you. Something is going on, he is positioning for something and in both doesnt respect you or the relationship
I’ve discovered with age and lots of dating (and a marriage to) girls who are very outgoing and tend to have a flock of guys around them…. there’s no such thing as a truly innocent “guy best friend” (who isn’t gay) – someone in that dynamic has or will develop a different motivation. Most often it’s some dude trying to be the boyfriend stand-in, hoping to pick up crumbs. Other times the girl likes the attention and willingly leads him on in small ways to continue getting the ego boost. Eventually the fear of risk and consequences erodes, and someone shoots their shot. Women with tons of guy friends will pretend to not be aware of this, and i’m here to tell you they’re full of shit. They may have the fortitude to prevent things from going anywhere, but they’re still full of shit if they claim both parties are fully uninterested.
That’s just a bit of data. the more important thing is how you feel about it, and her dismissal of it.
I have a personal definition, which ultimately my best relationships have agreed with – cheating is broadly anything that makes the other person feel cheated on. Obviously there’s nuance – but if their actions or my actions, etc are making the person feel like something else is going on – regardless of any physical or emotional connection… then it’s within that spectrum and needs to be talked about. (This is assuming no edge case insecurities or extreme manipulation, etc )- but anyway we speak about it like adults, and sometimes realize that even though a situation was very one-sided, not shutting it down could be construed as agreement by the interloper and that’s for us to own.
Enough theoretical. My read on this specific situation..
You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t already suspect the answer. Let me guess – it’s always at his place… they don’t prefer to hang at your shared home, with you there. They don’t attempt to bridge the friendship.. etc.
Her dismissive attitude, defensiveness, ANGER and storming off… jesus fucking christ, it’s textbook affair behavior.
A healthy relationship – if my actions made my partner feel like that… if they thought i was cheating on them – i can’t imagine a scenario where i get mad and storm off. I would HAVE to soothe, reassure, and work through the things that hurt that person, with them. I would examine my own actions that got us there, and would re-evaluate my level of both communication and inclusion.
I say this with sincerity and lack of sensationalism here… I’m not some teenager on reddit hoping to watch the world burn, just a guy who has been you in the past.
They’re fucking. They’ve been fucking. They’ve made you into a sucker, and are getting more brazen with it. She’s going to gaslight you. She’s going to use anger to make you quell your own thoughts on what you know to be true, and she’s going to make you feel like nothing.. less than nothing, in order to convince you (and herself) she isn’t the bad guy here.
Then when it comes out that yes, she’s cheating.. She’ll work on convincing you that it’s your fault she did it.
Be strong and don’t accept ANY OF THAT. Leave, brother. Cut her off fully and file for divorce. Get yourself to that place emotionally soon, because she will try every trick in the book to prevent it, and it will wear you down.
Go find someone who values you.
Updateme
If a woman uses the term ” you’re being insecure” trust your gut. This is their go to line to deflect.