Hi, first time poster but I need some advice. Long post! Omg so sorry!
I have been with my boyfriend (28M) for over a year and neither of us want kids.
I have never been on birth control except for the ring in a past relationship which was a nightmare and made sex painful and unbearable.
*I also have a heart condition which makes it pretty dangerous to be pregnant and my cardiologist has recently advised me to avoid pregnancy for a while due to recent complications. That’s not a problem. I want to avoid Pregnancy forever.
My boyfriend insists that he doesn’t want children. He has explicitly told me several times that even if I wanted kids (or a hypothetical future girlfriend wanted kids) he would have no interest in having kids of his own. I believe him based on time spent around my nieces, and other situations where kids are present.
Great!! We’re on the same page!!
But he is hesitant/borderline refusing to get a
Vasectomy.
We’ve had some back and forth in our 1.5 year relationship where we each think the other person should take the steps to permanently/semi-permanently prevent pregnancy.
My points: 1. I can’t use (nor do I want to) hormonal birth control due to my heart condition per my cardiologist. 2. That leaves the copper IUD and to keep it short: I’ve heard enough horror stories about those to make me more than hesitant towards them. (I admit some of my hesitation comes from the complication of finding a doctor in network and other inconveniences.) But mostly I already have bad periods and don’t want them to get any worse. That is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to complications.
His points: 1. I’m the one who is at danger if I get pregnant, so it is my responsibility. 2. It will change his body forever.
Guys… I literally offered to pay the cost in its entirety. So I really don’t know what other concerns he has.
One more thing! It’s not just me pressing him to get a vasectomy. He brings it up as a possibility like he is considering it but then it turns into this fight every time we talk about it. Tonight he said “would you still be open to paying half if I decided to get a vasectomy? And I said half? I’d pay 100%. But here we are so you know it turned into a fight.
So what is your advice? Who should get what done to prevent pregnancy in our relationship with as little pain and side effects as possible?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Hi, first time poster but I need some advice. Long post! Omg so sorry!
I have been with my boyfriend (28M) for over a year and neither of us want kids.
I have never been on birth control except for the ring in a past relationship which was a nightmare and made sex painful and unbearable.
*I also have a heart condition which makes it pretty dangerous to be pregnant and my cardiologist has recently advised me to avoid pregnancy for a while due to recent complications. That’s not a problem. I want to avoid Pregnancy forever.
My boyfriend insists that he doesn’t want children. He has explicitly told me several times that even if I wanted kids (or a hypothetical future girlfriend wanted kids) he would have no interest in having kids of his own. I believe him based on time spent around my nieces, and other situations where kids are present.
Great!! We’re on the same page!!
But he is hesitant/borderline refusing to get a
Vasectomy.
We’ve had some back and forth in our 1.5 year relationship where we each think the other person should take the steps to permanently/semi-permanently prevent pregnancy.
My points: 1. I can’t use (nor do I want to) hormonal birth control due to my heart condition per my cardiologist. 2. That leaves the copper IUD and to keep it short: I’ve heard enough horror stories about those to make me more than hesitant towards them. (I admit some of my hesitation comes from the complication of finding a doctor in network and other inconveniences.) But mostly I already have bad periods and don’t want them to get any worse. That is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to complications.
His points: 1. I’m the one who is at danger if I get pregnant, so it is my responsibility. 2. It will change his body forever.
Guys… I literally offered to pay the cost in its entirety. So I really don’t know what other concerns he has.
One more thing! It’s not just me pressing him to get a vasectomy. He brings it up as a possibility like he is considering it but then it turns into this fight every time we talk about it. Tonight he said “would you still be open to paying half if I decided to get a vasectomy? And I said half? I’d pay 100%. But here we are so you know it turned into a fight.
So what is your advice? Who should get what done to prevent pregnancy in our relationship with as little pain and side effects as possible?
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He wants to be able to change his mind on kids but doesn’t care if you do or not. Don’t take drugs if you don’t have to. Don’t have sex if you don’t want to. He’s weird. Stand your ground.
Each person should be responsible for ensuring their beliefs/wants are respected. If HE doesn’t want kids he should get a vasectomy, and if he refuses- condoms every-time.
If you do not want kids you should ensure you don’t have children. This includes using whatever form of Bc works for you, understanding that you may need to choose abortion to remain child free, if a condom breaks.
No one else should be responsible for someone else’s beliefs, preferences or body.
He can choose either a condom or a vasectomy as his part in ensuring you don’t get pregnant. Do not allow him to abdicate his responsibility, or force you to be the one to ensure & be responsible for his desire to be child free.
You’re both asking alot of each other for only being together a year and a half. Neither ask is fair and your boyfriend might not want kids now, or necessarily want kids with you.
Is he even willing to use condoms, OP? Because if he isn’t willing to use any form of male birth control, temporary or permanent, then you know how much your health and well-being mean to him.
Why can’t u just get a tubal ligation or a similar procedure?
You are not married and asking your BF to make a permanent decision that he seems hesitant to make. That is a decision that he should not be forced into. You have not made a real commitment to each other if you are not even engaged and at this point the decision about his body is his to make. You should be talking to your gyn about what is safe and effective for you to use, not asking the internet. Protect yourself from getting pregnant. Do not rely on another person to protect you.
You have to get your cardiologist to convince another dr to tie off your tubes.
Him getting a vasectomy doesn’t change that it’s dangerous for you to get pregnant and relationships end.
NTA
You going on birth control will harm you.
Vasectomy is a small REVERSIBLE surgery (edit: some doubts abou the reversability… see the comment below).
And his reasoning that “I’m the one who is at danger if I get pregnant, so it is my responsibility” is such a HUGE red flag, that I think that you should seriously rethink this relationship.
Does it mean that if he managed to make you pregnant, that he would abandon his child or left all responsibility on you???
“You’re the one in danger if you get pregnant so it’s your responsibility” so this man is admitting that your combined actions (sex) could have major consequences for you (illness or death), but he thinks that’s a “you” problem. Is this a man who loves and cares about you?
No
I highly suggest tying your tubes. That way you never have to worry about it. It’s a sucky surgery and a few weeks heal time, but it is worth the worry of never having the fear of a pregnancy.
I recently got a full hysterectomy (medical reasons but I was also down for it as I wanted to get human spayed) and that’s a brutal recovery but it has been worth every moment. There is a peace of mind that can never be ripped away from me. No fear, no worries, ever again.
Condoms are a non-invasive and effective form of contraception. Why can’t you use them?
If you don’t want children, it’s your job to make sure you do not have children.
Hi so I also have a heart condition and a user of birth control but I currently am not on one to switch to an iud, i have also been hesitant about them due to horror stories buttt if it the pain you can ask for gen anesthesia thats what I plan to do when I get it. I would also see if you can get your tubes tied, your cardiologist could recommend it so it’s easier for you to get one(can be difficult at certain ages and not having kids)
And on account for your partner, it takes two to make a baby it is half of his business!! Also I’m like 90% vasectomies are reversible(I totes could be wrong) ALSO I’m sorry BUT WHY WOULD HE NOT WANT TO KEEP YOU SAFE?! THATS INSANE!!!
Look up Paging Dr Fran, she has a list of over 1,000 providers who will perform a tubal ligation without questioning why you don’t want kids.
https://www.pagingdrfran.com/
You should both take responsibility since neither of you want kids. Why aren’t you using condoms?
This guy’s been with you for one year and you want him to make a lifelong choice for you without even being married or committed for life?
Get your tubes tied. What’s the big deal?
It is your responsibility to deal with your resproductive choices if don’t want kids.
I’m so sick of dudes who won’t get vasectomies. This whole mentality that it’s all on inge woman to be responsible for birth control is total crap. For what it’s worth, I have a copper IUD, super heavy and painful periods and near daily pelvic pain since it was placed. But it’s been effective at pregnancy prevention.
If you don’t ever want kids, then you change your body, you can get your tubes tied with an ablation to prevent heavy periods. There’s many doctors who will do it, no questions asked. You can’t make him do it. Many men think it’s like getting castrated, which it isn’t. They’re just being big babies about it. Others say they don’t want kids just bc their partner says they don’t want kids. Then, they try to change the partners mind. 🙄 Too many do this, it’s manipulative and gross.
I strongly advise against the copper iud. I know plenty of people who just use natural methods, cycles and pulling out, and that worked for them for years
I asked my bf to get a vasectomy for Christmas one year. Pointed out how he had a son and did not want more. And also said birth control is literally fucking my hormones up daily. He works in the medical field and agreed. That’s all it took. Sense and sensibility. When on the same team. No issues now.
One thing to look at is that you’re trying to essentially have him get the “birth control” via vasectomy. But what happens if you two break up? You would no longer have that birth control method/protection. Will you try to make every partner get a vasectomy? How will you protect yourself from pregnancy then? If you don’t want to be pregnant, and being pregnant would be detrimental to your health, then you need to protect yourself instead of putting it on someone else to protect you especially who may or may not always be there. Condoms? Spermicide? Tubal litigation, hysterectomy? I’ve seen your comments saying tubal litigation has side effects and is harder to reverse – everything has side effects. The vasectomy you’re asking him to get has side effects as well. Plus, if your health is so at risk and your mind is so made up, reversibility shouldn’t be a factor. In any event, as long as you don’t get a complete hysterectomy/remove your uterus, you could still have embryos placed if a tubal litigation reversal were to be unsuccessful and your mind and health changed to allow for a pregnancy.
If you never want children I’m surprised you don’t just get your tubes tied. I think each person needs to take care of their own ways of preventing pregnancy. While you can want him to have a vasectomy you can’t make him have one just like he can’t make you get your tubes tied. But if it’s dangerous for you to have a child I don’t know why you would take chances and why you don’t just get your tubes tied.
He needs to get a vasectomy. You don’t have a lot of options and the copper iud poses a lot of risks from what I’ve read. A diaphragm may be a good option for you, but they are rarely prescribed these days so good luck finding a doc that will do it. A vasectomy is a quick, painless procedure. Although it’s supposed to be permanent the reversal success rates are high should he change his mind.
Since you just shoot down suggestions for yourself, the only option is to abstain. Expecting a guy in a year long relationship to get snipped instead of looking into getting yourself sterilised.. that’s insane.
And another commenter posted options including places in Utah.
If he truly does not want kids, and you have a heart condition, so you getting the permanent fix doesn’t make sense to me… I have had my tubes tied and later a partial hysterectomy… All of which required aesthetics, not going to play like I know this or not, but isn’t it less than ideal for you to go under?
I don’t believe men who say they don’t want kids but won’t get a vasectomy.
My husband got one, outpatient procedure and it was like two easy days of recovery. No big deal.
YTA. Asking another person to undergo surgery when you haven’t availed yourself of other options with lower risk (while there can be pain with IUD insertion, vasectomy patients also experience pain post-procedure and are exposed to all the risks associated with surgery such as infection) is selfish.
As a matter of philosophical approach, I think it is wisest to take measures within your own body to prevent pregnancy. You can ensure that contraception takes place and that it is executed correctly; relying on your partner for contraception means assuming the risk that they deceive you about the contraception or that they execute it incorrectly.
No glove, no love.
Stand your ground but let him stand his. Maybe he is thinking ‘what if I wish to have one in the future’. Use condoms and if y’all cannot reach a middle ground . You do what’s best for you.
What about a non copper iud? After I had my surprise pregnancy, gave her up for adoption, literally got the Merina put in ASAP.
I just got my 3rd one recently, first was 16 years ago. Other than the absolute HELL of getting the removal and new one inserted, love mine!
Honestly, though… good god that is ridiculously painful and yes, take a day or two of work because fuck me. It. Hurts!!!
Personally, men come and go. You could pay for his vasectomy tomorrow and he could leave next week. You never know.
If you’re sure you never want kids then I say take that money & invest it in YOURSELF right now. Get your tubes tied so you NEVER have to worry about an unwanted pregnancy, ESPECIALLY with the way things are going with this current administration. If a pregnancy would be life threatening I would absolutely take steps to protect yourself.
Make your man cater to your every whim while you recover as well. He will owe you. If he doesn’t then you know what kind of person he really is.
You’ve only been together for a year, and are trying to railroad him into a vasectomy.
What if you break up, are you expecting every man you’re with to have a vasectomy?
You know you don’t want kids, you know it’s medically unsafe for you to be pregnant, why don’t you have the op?
I have a copper coil and it’s fantastic. My periods were heavier and more painful for the first few months but that is manageable.
You’ve been saying tubal litigation is basically impossible for you currently, so I really don’t think you have many options other than the coil.
You live in the US, abortion isn’t a thing thats allowed in Utah I presume? So you need to weigh up a high risk pregnancy with a child you don’t want to increased period symptoms.
I think you should try the copper coil and if you really don’t get on with it after 6 months, you can take it out.
Just a note – Paragard isn’t the only birth control option for someone with a heart condition if you do decide to use a method you can control.
Get your tubes tied.
Vasectomies aren’t reversible and can cause impotence. If you can take a pill it’s the safest and most secure option for everyone involved, just be sure you can actually take it and not have issues.
I mean, it’s his body his choice. If he doesn’t want a vasectomy, this is okay.
Like it’s your choice to not use birth control anymore.
And there are many options between hormonal birth control and a vasectomy..
Start with condoms for example. Or don’t have sex at all – that’s the only 100% safe choice.
Saying he needs a vasectomy is literally the same as if he says get your tubes tied. Everyone can decline surgery.
An IUD is no big deal. Had it for years with no problems. This year, I had a hysterectomy, no problems. Just do something! You’re responsible for your own reproductive health.
If I had a condition that made being pregnant dangerous and I did not want kids I would take care of it myself. I wouldn’t expect my boyfriend to do it.