I’m (f36) ten years older than my brother (M, 26) so we had a dramatically different experience being raised. My mom (f,66) was a single mom for a long time when she met my step dad (m,64), and they started a family together. Overall it was a net positive for me, and he is a great step parent to me and my now kids (6,m) and (4,m).
I was always taught self reliance, and paid for myself in every way. My first car had a small sum paid towards it by my parents, but I paid off the bulk of it by having a job. I paid for almost everything related to my university and moving away for my first real job, I’ve always taken care of myself. I don’t have any issue with this, it makes a lot of sense and has driven me to be an independent adult.
However, my brother, ten years younger, is entitled and expectant of things, and my mom and step dad do what they can to help. They bought a condo and are “renting” it to him and some roommates, and my mom has made it pretty clear that when he doesn’t have a job, which is often, that she covers the mortgage for him. He recently “lost” his job because he decided not to sign an NDA, which is pretty standard for larger companies, and they make it out to be like he’s avoided the big, bad corporation by not signing it. Well, he’s been unemployed for awhile now.
I don’t really care, my brother doesn’t take any opportunity to come hang out with us or his nephews, even though we let him know he has a place to stay here and we’d love to see him. I however have been gainfully employed for the past decade and been crushing financial goals, and bought a house and have been living in it with my own family. We’re lucky, I know, but we worked hard to be here too.
Well, over the past few weeks my mom has been gushing about a skiing trip she’s taking with my stepdad. Great. They’ve been making more money recently and they’ve been saving up to have a good time with their friends. No issues there. Well, she’s been texting me and shares a pic of my brother with their friend group. Apparently they’ve been paying for him to come with them and ski. This is a big deal because we are nowhere near ski country, so this is a big plane trip, expensive resort hotels, big dinners, etc.
Now I feel really hurt. I’ve always been on my own. Even when I was a kid and paying my way for college, I was responsible for my own way. I travelled to Ireland when I was 19 and my brother was 9, and my mom and stepdad paid to come out there with me and experience parts of the tour with me. But I paid for all my way, and I’m still paying on it. Now they’re having lavish family vacations without me. I understand that it’s difficult now that I have a family, they can’t just whip me up and take me out to Colorado like my brother. But my mom does not pay for anything for me. When we go out to dinner occasionally we usually end up going Dutch just to spread the cost out. When we visit my mom, it’s yours truly who drives the hour to my moms house to make the visit happen. My mom didn’t move closer to me when she and stepdad moved, she moved closer to her friends, and I’m the one who has to drive 80% of the time.
Well now I’m 37 and I just have no patience. Am I the asshole if I speak up and point out the clear favoritism here?
The icing on the cake is that my grandmother, my mother’s mom, does the same exact thing to my uncle, my mother’s brother. My mom bitches and moans about how my grandmother pays for my uncle’s apartment, and she’s on a limited income, and how my uncle’s always doing the absolute bare minimum and my grandmother is always gushing about what a great guy he is, when my mom is the one taking my grandmother to appointments and making sure she’s got food and a phone and the basics. My mom is my grandmother, and my brother is my uncle. And my mom is doing the same thing. And she has the nerve to bitch and complain to me about it while she pays for my brother to go on lavish ski trips.
How can I possibly look her in the face and listen to her complain about her brother when my brother is the same exact person? How do I not laugh in her face??
Comments
You know what they say, skiing is just like life—sometimes you just have to navigate the slopes of favoritism! But hey, at least your brother’s getting a free ride while you’re out here doing all the heavy lifting…literally!
NAH. While I feel for you, unless you also want to go on these luxury ski vacations with them, I think you should move on.
Is it annoying that they put more resources into your brother? Sure. But they’re also paying for him to spend time with them. If you’re interested in getting in on that deal, then speak up, but if you think your mom should be giving you the same amount of money as she spends on your brother’s trips… that’s just how it works.
When your mom is venting about the uncle and grandma’s dynamic ask her to change the characters in her story with brother’s name and mom’s name. Then point out that you don’t see a difference between her story and her reality.
You messed up by being responsible and becoming an adult lol. She still views your brother as her responsibility and kid it sounds.
it’s… frustrating. NTA, it feels like a constant devaluation of your contributions, and that hurts, doesn’t it, especially when you see that pattern unfolding with your family? I mean, shouldn’t a mother see that her actions create lasting scars, regardless of intention? It’s just… why? What’s the deeper meaning behind this favoritism, and are you ready to confront it?
NTA but know that if your mom doesn’t see it now she won’t. Good luck….
NTA Tell your mom after one of her rants that you thought she was explaining her and your brothers dynamics, that she is following in grandma’s footsteps. Then tell her, “Don’t call me. I’ll call you.”
Next time your mom bitches about your grandmom and uncle, tell her straight on face.. isnt this same what she is doing with your bro and you. Let the reality sink in. She will have all kinds of excuses.. that you are already earning well, etc. Tell her that you were not earning well all your life and she has never done what she continues to do with a 26 yr out.
Tell her.. so what you are 66 and still expect grandmom to pay for you just because she pays for your uncle. And you are just 36.
Soon when they retire or have lesser money they are going to come running to you to help out your bro. Do keep your finances tight and out of sight from any of them.
This reminds me of a quote, “Mothers raise their daughters and love their sons.” It sounds as if your mother has effectively replicated the dynamic she’s had contempt for her entire life. Definitely speak up about the difference in favor shown to your brother and also stop making more of an effort to drive to see your mom and stepdad. Let them come to you sometimes and if they don’t, I guarantee your absence will be felt. People can only treat you how you allow them to.
I’m in a similar situation with a younger sibling who is still coddled and financially assisted after age 30, except I’m not as well off as you are and could have used some help a few times. Try to remind yourself that it isn’t necessarily favoritism, but more that they see you as a mature peer and him as an incapable little child.
You have the right to be upset about whatever you want. I grew up like this, I am the one who cared for my parents, helped them, and I was sacrificed for siblings who did nothing. I’ll never get over it, it caused long lasting damage. I’m sorry.
Updateme!
NTA. Why have you not spoken up before. Favoritism looks like a pattern in your family. If they can fly to Colorado to ski with their loser son, surely you can drive to you once in a while. I am all for speaking your mind, if you think they will listen. Ask your mom hoe she likes being the lesser child? When she whines about her brother being the Golden Child, tell her you know what its like because she did that to you
UpdateMe
Ahhhh, the typical family dynamic of “daughter can figure it out but my precious son needs all the support in the world”
Cut the cunts off. They won’t change and will just blame you. It’s never going to change
“Hey Mom, I’m really tired of hearing you complain about what grandma is doing all the time when you’re doing the exact same thing, hypocrisy isn’t a good look on anyone. I had to pay my own way constantly through life, and you’re handing everything to BROTHER on a silver platter whether he’s even making an attempt to earn any of it or not. I’m tired of hearing you complain about how grandma isn’t handing you everything while giving handouts to your brother, when you’re doing the exact same thing to me. I have to watch as he’s getting everything given to him and I had to earn every single scrap I have. You never even offered to help me with any of it, and I never thought to ask because you made it clear you weren’t going to give me that kind of help – but he’s getting it all given to him and feels no shame in demanding it as if he’s genuinely entitled to it.
Just stop with the whining to me about what grandma does until you stop doing the exact same thing.”
Don’t worry, you’ll be seeing/hearing plenty from your brother when mom and your stepdad can no longer fund his lifestyle.
Honestly would you rather have your life or your brother’s? I mean he has free ski trips but no career or independence? NTA but let it go.
My mother always said life isn’t fair. True. I got a pocket calculator $35 in 1975 for graduation. My sister 13 years younger got a trip to Europe. Be grateful for what you have worked hard for and that you can do family differently. Your brother being spoiled will be up a creek without a paddle when mom and dad aren’t around to pay his way.
Get it off your chest. She probably won’t know what you’re talking about but at least you can let it all out.
UpdateMe!
Updateme
For such a grown-up independent lady, you sound green eyed, jealous and childish. If you find it impossible to withhold your judgement and don’t mind blowing up your relationship with mom, brother and step dad, by all means, bring it up.
If mom doesn’t see the similarity between herself and her mother now, telling her isn’t going to change anything. If I were you, I think I would thank mom and step dad for raising an independent adult.
I wish you luck.
You can console yourself with the knowledge that you’re an independent adult who made her own way in life.
Celebrate your accomplishments.
And be prepared for your parents to expect you to help your worthless, entitled, child of a brother when they get tired of doing it (or can’t do it). Repeat this, make it your mantra:
“No is a complete sentence”
Congrats to you for being who you are.
Back when I was 37, I felt something like you do. I moved out at 20, and afterwards, my parents moved 3000 miles away, and became able to do more for my younger siblings. My sister in particular seemed to crash from relationship to relationship and job to job; she never seemed to stay quite launched.. I felt rather jealous of the degree of attention she required, and also of the greater closeness to her my mother seemed to feel. But she’s still dependent even though my mother has passed, and is living in her home.
But I was happily married, with two children, and increasingly better off; we didn’t need anyone to splurge on us. We could do our own vacations. We could handle our problems on our own. Every now and then, I still feel hurt, but I have my own good fortune to console me. You sound like you are basically fine; enjoy that. Sometimes, we should just allow for all the imperfections in our families, and count our own blessings. Your brother and uncle are most likely not willfully failing even though, you’d have made it look easy.
Love your mother as best you can, and be proud, because you are not a wounded chick who still needs to be babied.
Nta, tell her she’s her mother’s daughter and doing the same to you, but that you will not keep shouldering the burden of driving to her or putting effort in when your brother is the clear favourite.
Eta : my mum used to treat my sister as the favourite. She has stepped back and realised, it took years but it’s no longer the case as much. She has realised how much her behaviour harmed our relationship and is working to rebuild it (and it is being rebuilt).
NTA – arrange some time to speak to both your mom and your step-dad together as this issue involves him just as much as your mom, and he may be more amenable to hearing what you have to say and taking steps to remedy the issue going forward. Speaking to your mom alone may cause her to hide behind what she says are your step-dad views when he may not hold those views.
Acknowledge straight away that you are more financially secure and in a different stage of life than your brother, it’s not about money per se or going on the ski trip, but the issue goes to feeling unsupported, unloved, and excluded by them, and this has been building over the years but in particular because you notice the disparity in treatment between how your brother is treated to how you were at a similar age or in similar circumstances. You had to be responsible, and got on with things on your own, whereas your brother isn’t held by them to be responsible and he is supported and treated. Most importantly, they are proactive in their support of your brother e.g. buying the condo and offering him the ski trip, but there’s an absence of that for you.
You don’t have to offer solutions but can leave it with them to think about as you don’t want to say they should do/pay for x, y or z for you; it’s for them to consider you and what they would like to do/pay for.
NTA.
A friend of mine was in almost the same situation as you. Almost, because their sibling has a job and, barring some dry patches here and there, always had. But their parents have always coddled the sibling, often to my friend’s expenses (emotional and monetary).
Their parents died suddenly and, lo and behold, the sibling started demanding that my friends coddles them like mom and dad did. And some relatives are insisting my friend needs to do that “because you know how sibling is” 🤦🏻♀️.
So be warned, the moment your parents have gone, YOU will be expected to take on the burden. Better put boundaries in place before that.
You have small children, would you have even been able to go?
It sounds like you need to talk to your mom. Tell her that you’re hurt and why, and let her it’s important for you to discuss that and how to build more parity into your relationship. You’ve got two young kids, she does not.
She should be making an effort to foster that relationship—as their grandmother—and needs to cut the apron strings with her adult son.
NTA, it’s a normal feeling but sadly you can’t change your mom. This will only get worse when she gets older and no matter what you do or help her it will end the same way. So learn from this and don’t pass on the generational hurt to your kids. Invest and protect your own future, no need to do more the bare minimum to be a good daughter, and pls so not help financially or invest in any endeavor that would just be your brother’s inheritance.
Nta tell her she is just like her mum and prioritises her son over you.
And stop going out of your way to visit them. Just stop doing it, and if she needs help, tell her to ask her favourite.
Tell your parents you’ve been thinking about the trip they’re going to take you and your family on and you’re just wondering if they’ve had any thoughts as to where that might be? Make them tell you to your face they weren’t even thinking about extending the same generosity. Maybe it will get them thinking about it, and you’ll get a free trip out of them!
I have a similar experience: my 2 sisters and I from a dirt bag dad we are NC with, and the little half brother about a decade younger than us. He’s the only one who had his education paid for, which he’s done nothing with, while the rest of us are financially independent, have bought homes, have had kids, and none of us are reliant on our spouses for income. My parents are always making excuses for him, a big one being his refusal to get a covid vaccine “derailing” his whole life, which they were also opposed to, but also just that our society “doesn’t support men enough” (guess we’re supporting women too much now?).
It’s extra weird with the step dad angle because I grew up with him as dad, he wants us to consider him dad, yet I just don’t feel like when it comes to money we are “really” his on a subconscious level, and because he was the primary breadwinner, my mom doesn’t feel equal claim to “his” money. And I am really half expecting to just find ourselves assed out of any inheritence because of that. I don’t know if any of that rings true to your situation but being a blended family is complicated and can suck.
My only consolation with any of it is, and maybe it can be yours too: with how much they favor him and how close he is to both of them, I will not be feeling responsible for them in their old age. As far as I’m concerned they are his problem.
You are 36 grow up
I’d just grey rock Mom.
Don’t go out of your way.
Keep low contact.
Cut down on the number of visits. Suggest meeting halfway for lunch, and when it’s turned down, cancel, etc.
Also, make some comments now about how great it is that mom and SD have your brother to take care of them. That’s not your responsibility.
Updateme please
I don’t really know how I feel. There is a huge difference between 26 and 37 with a family and two kids. In my family my parents might help me out (though they really don’t need to, but I think that because I don’t have a family and I’m a teacher they think I’m broke by default and still secretly in my 20’s or something so they’re always willing to help out. I never ask for anything though, they just offer. The only money I take from them is tickets to come visit, which I tell them to count as my birthday/Christmas presents and my weight loss surgery/medicine and I honestly ended up paying for most of that without telling them, but it meant a lot to them to help so I didn’t want to take that away. Anyway…). They also will help out my sister who’s older than I am and has 3 kids but she’s a SAHM and her husband is in education so not making bank. My brother however is really well off and a business man, he wouldn’t dream of asking them for help because he doesn’t need it. They don’t favor me and my sister, they just don’t give out money when it isn’t needed. They are very active babysitters for his 2 kids though. At the same time, it doesn’t even seem like they invited you and your family along at all, which indicates that there is more to it then them just assuming you can handle yourself. Edit: It would also make more sense if your brother was in his early 20’s, 26 seems a bit old to still be relying on mom and dad, but I can’t really talk as it took me awhile to get my shit together too. edit edit: Also, if my brother ever fell on hard times, my parents would 100% be his safety net without a thought, I don’t know if you can say the same for your parents
You will be much happier when you stop comparing your life and situation to others. It doesn’t sound like it’s a surprise that your brother is unable to hold a job and will really have a hard time in life. Perhaps he is jealous of you being independent and with family of your own. If not now most likely in the future. I found peace with similar dynamics once I stopped expecting people to be something they never have been or expect people to change. If they have always been who they’ve always been one can’t be surprised when they continue to always be that person. Both mum and brother. Likely that won’t change much and you can let it drive you nuts or just shift your own perspective. Maybe not wish what never has been to think “wow, I killed it! Look how well I’ve done having to do it alone” sound like you have a family of your own and doing well. your brother might not be able to ever say that and maybe by the time he wants to make a change he will be unable to do so and if it ever comes down to having to look after himself you will be grateful you are able to look after yourself when he will likely struggle.
Your mum has done him no favours and she has only guaranteed he will struggle when the time comes for him to look after himself.
If you do need to compare I would be proud and glad you didn’t get the treatment he does. You are way better off.