My (25 F) boyfriend (25 M) of 10 years recently proposed. I love him and I did say yes, but things didn’t go the way I thought they would, and now I’m left feeling conflicted.
For context, this wasn’t a surprise, we’ve talked about rings for years. I went with him to look at some, I sent him photos of the exact styles I liked, and I even added specific rings (with my sizing) to his Jared account. I’ve always said I wanted something small and simple—around .5–1 carat, with a gold band. Nothing huge, flashy, or overly expensive. I even offered to look at pawn shops together for something affordable and unique, but he said no, that he wanted to buy it “special.”
When he proposed, I said yes immediately because I truly do want to marry him. But when he opened the box, the ring was nothing like what I had asked for. It was very big and flashy, and the sizing was so large that I couldn’t wear it without clenching my hand to keep it from falling off.
On the way home afterward, he asked me if I liked it. I asked if he wanted me to be completely honest, and when he said yes, I told him no I didn’t. I explained that it wasn’t what I wanted at all. He told me it was the only one they had that he thought I’d like. I told him he didn’t need to rush this, and that I wished he would’ve slowed down and thought about it a little more. Then I asked him if he truly wanted to marry me, or if he felt like he just had to do it.
That’s when he got upset. He said I and everyone else had been “on his ass” about proposing to me, so he finally did it, and that he always second guesses things but didn’t want to second guess this. He also said he’s “never done this before” and didn’t know how to go about it, but that he really did try. After that, he told me to put the ring back in the case so he could return it.
Now I feel torn. On one hand, I know the proposal and our relationship mean more than a ring. On the other hand, it feels like he didn’t listen to me at all, and some of the things he said made me question whether he proposed because he genuinely wanted to, or because he felt pressured. Instead of feeling joyful and celebrated, I walked away feeling disappointed, hurt, and unsure.
Comments
it was a shut up ring.
He might be dumb
That seems like a freudian slip (parapraxis).
NTA
You started seeing this guy when you were 15? Break up and have a few more BFs before you figure out which one is the one for you. Because this one isn’t.
“it’s the only one they had”
Bull. It’s a ring shop. They have every ring under the sun there, and can get custom order stuff. You gave him PLENTY of advice on picking out a ring, and it wasn’t stupid expensive or anything. He just didn’t listen or thought HIS opinions were better than yours.
I don’t think a ring should end a relationship, but his attitude should maybe have you take a look at it.
Also, rings can be resized
Nta
It felt like he did it cause people were on his case. Does he really want to get married? It’s not about the ring. You were reasonable about the ring. He didn’t put much thought into it all. We want to feel special and heard and understood. What is he saying now? Is he sulking about having to return the ring or does he seem excited and want to pick out a new one together?
NTA
You need to break up and start dating other men. This was an obligation ring. He’s not that into you.
Ew
You have been with the same guy since high school. He is not listening to you and only proper because people were “on his ass”. Time to take a break from this relationship and spread your wings!
I may be cynical, but i feel like he did it on purpose. I don’t even think it was a shut up ring I think he wanted you to not like it and back off of talking about getting married. My best guy friend is proposing soon and is the dumbest airhead I’ve ever met. He could mess something like this up, but he keeps all her sizing info, liked rings, liked settings all in a folder on his phone. He doesn’t even understand what half of it means, but he is working with a jeweler to custom make something she will love that’s still affordable. Your man is either really stupid or malicious.
NTA
You had very reasonable expectations for what type of ring you liked and he knew what they were.
He admitted he only proposed because other people were pressing him. Not because he loves you. Not because he sees a life with you. Not because he wants to get married. Because other people were “on his ass”.
I know it’s scary when you’ve been with someone for so long, but maybe reflect if this is what you want in a relationship.
Nope. Big nope. Nta. You were honest. He did below the bare minimum to make you feel like he truly wanted to marry you. “I proposed to get everyone else and you to shut up” is truly so hurtful and designed to shame you into silence. The man who sees you and has compassion for you will never speak to you this way.
NTA. This isn’t about the ring. It’s the fact that he allowed pressure from others make the decision about finally marrying you. Of course he didn’t care if the ring was what you wanted at that point.
NTA thassa “dangled” engagement. the second he heard anything negative about the ring (wrong size when you’ve uploaded your size and preferences to his Jared account is the most negligent kind of mistake), he took back his engagement. take him at his words: he didn’t mean it. end it and move on.
The proposal should’ve been about you, not him stressing to “just do it.” Returning it sounds smart, now you two can actually pick something you’ll both be happy with.
My ex husband proposed to me because he felt he was supposed to, not because he wanted to. He didn’t tell me this until after we were married. Not to hurt me, but as an admission. OP I wish I’d left him then. He was never a partner to me, and I always felt stuck. Like I’d promised forever, and had to keep my word despite being treated poorly. It took many years to decide my happiness was important after all. If you feel at all like he doesn’t truly, desperately want to be your partner forever – don’t marry him. Don’t waste 15 years with someone that doesn’t want to be married to you. It will only get harder to walk away if you settle now. And then as a shell of yourself, you won’t even remember what it could be like to have a true partner.
“On his ass”? That’s how he described his motivation for asking you to be his wife. Forget the ring, THAT would be the disappointing part for me. The ring is a symptom of a much bigger problem.
On to the ring… You went with him and showed him what you wanted. You sent him pictures, you sent him your size. You sent specific rings you’d like. And he went and bought one that had nothing at all in common with your preferences, not even the size. This was low to no effort on his part. You could not have made it any easier for him, short of holding his hand at the store to point at one and then paying for it yourself. How he could look you in your face and say “It’s the only one I thought you’d like” with all sincerity is beyond me. I am angry for you.
Is this the person you want to be with forever? 10 years of your life, you were a child when you met. There is so much out there to experience. Don’t saddle yourself with a man who has already stopped trying. Go experience anything and everything you can, and when you have, then choose a man who fits you.
NTA, but Y T A if you stay with someone who treats you this way.
He said he got engaged because people kept pressuring him. How many other things does he have to say for you to know he didn’t want to get engaged?
Give back the ring. Tell him you considered the proposal rescinded and you’re not interested in rushing it.
while you guys have been together 10 years, a lot of that was as children / teenagers.
It could be that you guys are just each other’s habits at this point. You guys might benefit from some couples constantly. See if this future is the future the both of you really want and if not, and it so you can both find the right futures for yourselves
NTA, he didn’t listen, he didn’t look at the pics you shared with him, he didn’t look at the ones you put in his favorites on the website. He said he didn’t see one that he thought you would like. All of these scream he gave you a shut up ring. Now I have to ask, are there other areas where he doesn’t listen to you, hear you? I doubt this is the only thing in all the years y’all have been together he has fallen short in bc he didn’t listen. This is something to consider, for as long as y’all have been together, what is the point of an engagement? Why not skip the engagement and just get a wedding band, one you personally pick out? Honestly, at this point, with his comment about everyone being on his ass to propose, I wouldn’t feel like marrying someone that is not feeling it and it should have already happened, spontaneously, don’t you agree? People do what is important to them, they make the effort if it is important to them. Does his actions match his words?
When I read the heading I was YTA. But going through the post you are totally and definitely NTA. As many have said in the comments, this is a good sign for you to leave. No matter how much it hurts but you dodged a serious bullet and a lot of heart ache and pain.
Ugh, his response to it only being the only ring they had. It seems like he did it because he had to. I hope y’all figure it out if it’s meant to be.
NTA you can think and feel how you think and feel no judgement.
How you handled this whole thing might have been a mistake though, you were upset about the ring but you questioned his commitment to you which must have hurt him alot.
On his side he must have felt a lot of pressure from friends and family if he has people telling him to stop overthinking and second guessing. From what you said I guess hes someone that measures 15 times to cut once and then he measures again. This ring situation was probably a toss away no brainers sort of situation where he just said I have to do it so I’ll do it and did it half baked. That’s his bad he should have looked at all the things you sent.
You guys were looking at rings and having a lot of discussion, was it you or him bringing it up? Is there any chance you may have forced this on him unintentionally? This might be a good chance to have a really good conversation about your relationship and get things squared away you guys are young and if you want things to last you gotta figure out what you want and how you want to go about getting it done.
Sorry if I seemed preachy
Best of luck with things.
NTA. “the only one they had that he thought I’d like”
That’s a lie. Plain, simple outright lie. Any jeweller shop has dozens, hundreds of diamond and gemstone rings. All sizes, different cuts and qualities, a massive choice to suit all budgets.
He didn’t think.
He doesn’t want to get married. Please don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy. Just because you e been together so long you should just go ahead and get married is a terrible disservice to you both. You’re really young. Separate and go live your life for six month without him. Travel, take up a hobby, volunteer, go to school and take a class. Live life without him. Then ask yourself how you feel and how your life is with and without him.
I’m betting life without him is a lot better than you think it would be.
NTA
It’s time for you to reevaluate your relationship with this man. Yes, you want to marry him, but he doesn’t want to marry you. It’s maybe hard, but you need to decide if you want to spend more time on the man who doesn’t want to marry you after 10 years together, or find someone who would be excited about you.
I’m baffled how he managed to get this wrong. You sent him lots of links to rings and designs that you want and he got something completely different. Also, he made a comment that he only proposed to get everyone off his ass. This isn’t genuine.
This is weaponized incompetence. He didn’t even listen to or look at your suggestions, I guarantee it. NTA. You may want to really sit down and assess whether he wants to marry you for real or not.
The choice of ring feels really passive aggressive. You’ve known him and he’s known you your entire adult (and young adult) lives. You’ve talked about rings before. You’ve shown him pictures. If he listened at all and if he cared about what you want it would have taken literally a moment’s thought (and no effort) to get you exactly the type of ring you wanted.
The ring represents something. A promise, to each other and to the future. To cherish each other. To listen. To work through things together. To be honest and loving.
He didn’t put even a moment’s thought in. He didn’t think about you at all. He didn’t care what you’d want. He asked for honesty then responded like a petulant teenager. He weaponized incompetence. He demonstrated he does not have the maturity or desire to be married.
Don’t let sunk cost fallacy take more of your life away. It’s time to examine if he’s the right person for you.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. NTA.
If you’re willing to put the ring before the relationship you love possessions, not the man. Women are in Such a Rush to have that bridal moment where the day is all about her, yada yada.
Then stop focusing on the relationship. They just focus on “The Next Expected Big Thing”. House. Baby. What have you. All the while the relationship suffers because, in her emotional immaturity, she thinks being happy is reaching mile markers.
Your new Saying: ”Expectation is the Thief of Joy”
• Final Verdict: Y T A
NTA but you really need to sit down & think, this will be the rest of your life. The willful incompetence is crazy work
NTA but he just told you in several ways he doesn’t really want to marry you. He gave you the ring to shut you and everyone else up about getting engaged. You’ve been the one going through all the effort and he still got it wrong. Take that as you will, but he’s showing you what he wants.
Move on from this.
As soon as he said I got that ring because I or anyone was “on his ass” I would have put that ring in the box myself. I refuse to marry someone who is going to make me feel like I forced them into marriage.
NTA but seriously listen to the words he said to you. Can you be happy with someone that would make you feel like that because THEY failed to take into consideration their partners wants and feelings? Red flag behavior.
He did not do it because he wanted too. He was pressured. Tell him you do not want this right now.
It’s just a ring. You can go with him to Jared and change it for something you like. You’ve said yes…now go find a ring together. It’ll be fine.
NTA I think you may be stuck in sunk cost fallacy.
You’ve been with this dude since you were 15. You don’t have to be with them forever. You can be happy and married to someone else.
He doesn’t value you the way a life partner should. He just wanted people to shut up. He has so many red flags. I wonder what carnival is in town.
10 years starting at 15?! 😂😂😂
NTA – especially since this guy does not want to marry you. It was a simple question, and he failed miserably with his answer. He might as well return the ring.
NTA. But please don’t marry him. He doesn’t want to be married to you. It’s been 10 years and he’s still not sure about you. It won’t get better with more time. You’re still very young, move on and find someone who is truly mutually interested.
Both of you are ATA: him because he doesn’t really want to get married, you because you are more focused on a piece of jewelry than the real issue of why you are with this dodobird.
Go with him pick what you want, you gave him plenty of time examples of what you wanted he’s just clueless….. some men are like this. I really don’t know why you’d ask him that question based on a ring you live with him and have dated for 10 yrs if he did not want to be with you he wouldn’t….. sometimes people become comfortable and see no point in doing all this after years living together. He told you he did not want to second guess this and you pretty much are making him second guess it.
NTA. My BIL got my sister to pick out 5 that she liked, he picked one of the 5. It’s not that hard. Even if he wanted to surprise you, he could have employed this method. He could have taken pictures of the ones you said you liked. But yes, the phrasing about everyone being “up his ass” is concerning. Delay any wedding until you can get couples counselling.
I will say what is commonly posted on another sub. Do you want to be married and happy or a pretty shiny rock?
NTA. This was something he threw together and didn’t care enough to pay attention to detail. I hate to say it, but he doesn’t want to get married, and you need to think long and hard about whether or not this relationship is salvageable. I don’t think it is. I think your boyfriend is lazy and taking you for granted. It’s time to move on.
NTA. My advice is to think very carefully about what else he ignores your wishes on. I say that because my ex-husband did this to me. Only we went looking multiple times and then he went and had a custom ring made that could not be returned that was the opposite of what I wanted. I sucked it up and wore it for twenty years. It was twenty years of him running right over me on everything else, too. Just beating me down until I was too exhausted to argue anymore. The Silent Treatment would go on for weeks at a time. On every. Single. Thing. From kids names, to car color, to vacation locations, to what i wore. It was miserable and just the tip of the controlling and mentally abusive iceberg.
You are so young, and have such a long life ahead of you, I urge you to really examine if this type of treatment is really what you want or need for yourself and your future children.
Your future with him: “he didn’t listen to me at all”
He didn’t listen to you at all. I mean you even put the rings that you like on his Jared account. How much more could you have done, other than buying a ring yourself?
Men are clueless.
So unromantic.
Nta. Go with him when he returns it and get something you like.
NTA. I suggest reconsidering who you’re dating. Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t take your opinion into account and prioritizes others over that?
I’m sorry, OP. 10 years is a long time when you’re only 25, but the rest of your life is much much longer. You don’t have to spend it with someone like this. I’m sending you so much support you must be crushed, especially reading all these responses. They are from older women trying to protect you from things they have been through. It’s up to you if you stay with this man, but ask yourself if this is the kind of love that will enhance your life or drain it. I heard a quote yesterday “behind every unsuccessful woman is a man” and baby if that isn’t dead on. Whatever you choose to do with the relationship (I hope you end it) PLEASE don’t get pregnant and instead double down on your education and career path. No matter what happens you’ll never regret financial independence, but the baby trap is far worse than the marriage trap when it’s with the wrong man.
You’re living a dream. This probably won’t end the way you wanted it to.
The big problem is that you started dating at 15 and are still together. Teen relationships are for teens. You are not reporting any signs that the two of you are ready to be married. It’s more likely that the two of you are together for comfort and convenience. Good enough reasons to date, but not to marry.
YTA….it’s weird that everybody is saying him saying he felt pressured is the problem…yeah, that’s a HUGE problem, but how is that not equally her fault!? As a “loving” partner shouldn’t that work both ways!? Shouldn’t she have approached him to apologize for making him feel pressured and had a conversation about that!? Or why their goals may no longer look the same or align!?
10 to 1 odds…the box was from an upscale store and the ring is a fake.
But more importantly…do you really want to marry a man who said he proposed bc people were “on his ass” about it? Not to mention he got something completely unrelated to anything you’ve shown him and talked about. He completely ignored your wants and wishes on something you are supposed to wear until you die? Now if this were a surprise proposal and he didn’t talk to you ahead of time…that would be different. But he knew what you wanted and disregarded it. These are the red flags.
You chose him at 15 years old and you’re both growing up. He doesn’t want to marry you but he’s too chicken shit to break up. He will float along for another ten years if you let him. Give him back his shut up ring and move on with your life.
NTA. He’s not listening to you now after 10 years, and he’s never going to. You have to ask yourself if you’re ok with that being the ground state of your relationship.
NTA
He knew what you wanted and didn’t care enough to listen.
Why are you marrying a guy who waited 10 years to propose and couldn’t be bothered to get a ring you wanted and in the right size?
You can lead a horse to water so on and so on.
If anything this was an exercise of you telling him exactly what you like and him not paying attention to you at all and doing his own thing. Expect more of that in the future.
NTA but he doesn’t want to get married. I have no idea why anyone would be forcing a 20 something to get married In his day and age. You are still young. dump him and find yourself and what makes YOU happy in life. He may love you but he doesn’t want to get married right now and he should be honest with you about that. Also tell those other folks to stay out of your relationship, a group of people trying to force a couple together does not a lifelong relationship make
Men are idiots. Bigger and flashier the better. I’ve been with my husband since I was 13 and he was 12. He bought the biggest ugliest emerald/diamond earrings for oldest daughter. She HATED THEM. He took them back (it was for her college graduation). However, I always said I wanted a diamond eternity band and I got one for our 25th wedding anniversary. My hands are smallish and big diamonds would look ridiculous on my hand.
Men’s little egos get hurt easily too. I don’t think he doesn’t want to marry you, I mean you’ve been together 10 years. I don’t think he did it on purpose either. He probably thought you were being nice when you said you wanted a smallish diamond. But then I’m old and have been married for 47 years.
It’s been 10 years, if he wanted to marry you, he would have.
“Shut up ring” doesn’t quite work here. I feel like we need to invent a term like “Stop wanting to marry me ring”, because this seemed like sabotage to put you off him/marriage so he wouldn’t be the ‘bad guy’ for either breaking up or just staying boyfriend-girlfriend forever. Whether conscious or not. Like an engagement version of doing such a bad job at something that nobody will bother involving you in it in the future. Wedding planning and the day itself will probably also be a slog of dragging his reluctant ass through it. NTA, I think you clocked something very important here.
What does he mean that’s the only one they had that you might like? Is there only one pawn shop/jewelry store within a 3 Hour Dr. of your house? And the Internet isn’t a thing?
He didn’t put any thought into this, he just wanted you to accept it and shut up. You say you’ve been dating for 10 years but it also doesn’t sound like he knows you at all, or just like he doesn’t really care. NTA.
NTA but you need to fully understand this man. He lacks confidence. So when he feels pressured he didn’t consider anything outside of his own desire to just buy something and be done with it. It’s not that he doesn’t love you. Then when you were disappointed that’s a huge hit to his already lack of confidence. He’s going to withdraw and go into a – I don’t know what to do so I ain’t doing anything mode.
This is the core of who he is. I assume birthdays and holidays are the same with him. If this is OK for you then stay and build your life. Otherwise it’s time to move on.
I’d be more concerned about your fiancée’s statement that he felt like you and your respective families (both?) were pressuring him into proposing. You said that you had discussed rings as a couple, previously – clearly, he wasn’t very engaged (hah) with the ring discussion as he totally missed what you like, which makes me wonder how involved he really felt in these discussions (i.e. he may have felt more talked at than like it was a proper discussion) .
Also entirely possible that he just freaked out and grabbed something because the whole process gave him anxiety. Seems like y’all should talk about it.
I get that it has less to do with the ring, itself, and more to do with what he has said and whether he listens to you. Best of luck with your engagement and getting through a potential tough spot together!
The fact that he confessed that people were “on his ass” to propose to you is a red flag.🚩
Are you guys the only relationship either of you have ever had?
Its a ring and your getting married. If you love him get over it. I’ve had broke a broke cousin that proposed with a 100 dollar ring and his wife was as happy as can be. If you love him the ring shouldn’t matter whatsoever.