I 28F and my 26 F fiancé have been together for about 4 years and plan on getting married in August.
For some back story, my fiancé let’s call Lexis, is a nurse and has been our entire relationship. 2 years ago when she came home from a night shift we had just moved in together after being together for a year and a half. Normally when she comes home it’s super later but this night I decided to stay up to talk to her since we hadn’t seen each other that much. As soon as she comes to the door she sees me and I try to give her a kiss and she explains that she is gross from work and needs to shower first which with her being a nurse I get. I still got close to her trying to be playful and that’s when the smell hit me in the nose and I asked her if she had been smoking. She looked guilty but explained that she did and has been for months at work with a coworker on break. I never wanted to date someone that smoked. Ever. This is something I explained when we first started dating and she knew that. The smell of smoking is something that I just can’t get over. I’d rather the smell of weed than smoke but overall for me I just don’t like it when going to kiss my partners, be intimate, etc.
We talked about it at this point and she mentioned she would just tell me when she smoked so I would know and at those moments we would be less intimate with kisses and more mindful of showers for the smell. After this she mentioned a couple times after and I thought we were okay on it.
On Monday this week (2 days ago) Lexis came home from work and smelled like smoke. Now I will say since then she has a different nursing job where she goes to peoples houses to do care versus the job she had previously at facility so at first it wasn’t a shock to me. I asked her if she had smoked and she said no, but something was off so I asked again. She waved it away and said oh it was just someone’s house she went to and the smell just stayed on her. At this point she had changed close and was no longer in her scrubs from work. Something felt off so I just looked at her and said “look, if you did smoke just tell me now and I’ll not be made but if I find out later then it will upset me because I’m giving you an out.”
At that point she said she didn’t smoke that day but did the previous Friday. I asked how long it had been going on and she mentioned about a year. Something important to put here too is that her smoking causes her to have tonsil stones which is something that happens over the weekend and cause extreme bad breath. They didn’t start for her until a year ago when she started smoking again and I kind of just put the two and two together that that was the cause of them (she previously told me it was caused by sweets).
When she told me she lied I didn’t know what to do and I felt a bunch of emotions, sad, frustrated that it took that much to get the truth but overall just lied to because she knew my stance on it and just hid it so that I wouldn’t be mad. I now feel like maybe it was something always hidden.
I’ve had personal therapy since to where maybe it was explained that she can be honest about her smoking with me so that again she can just be mindful that I don’t want the smells around me and her tonsil flare ups to be less intimate but idk I guess I’m still upset because this is not what I imagine for myself to have in a partnership long term.
I talked to my sister about it and she mentioned that she was able to get away with it for such a long time and I didn’t know other than the stone so it is really that big of a deal which I guess is true in that regard and that if she just doesn’t smoke around me it shouldn’t be a big deal. I guess at this point I’m just rambling but AITAH for being upset that she smokes cigarettes? It is just something that really isn’t a big deal overall and I should get over? This is the only “major” lie for our whole relationship.
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Backup of the post’s body: I 28F and my 26 F fiancé have been together for about 4 years and plan on getting married in August.
For some back story, my fiancé let’s call Lexis, is a nurse and has been our entire relationship. 2 years ago when she came home from a night shift we had just moved in together after being together for a year and a half. Normally when she comes home it’s super later but this night I decided to stay up to talk to her since we hadn’t seen each other that much. As soon as she comes to the door she sees me and I try to give her a kiss and she explains that she is gross from work and needs to shower first which with her being a nurse I get. I still got close to her trying to be playful and that’s when the smell hit me in the nose and I asked her if she had been smoking. She looked guilty but explained that she did and has been for months at work with a coworker on break. I never wanted to date someone that smoked. Ever. This is something I explained when we first started dating and she knew that. The smell of smoking is something that I just can’t get over. I’d rather the smell of weed than smoke but overall for me I just don’t like it when going to kiss my partners, be intimate, etc.
We talked about it at this point and she mentioned she would just tell me when she smoked so I would know and at those moments we would be less intimate with kisses and more mindful of showers for the smell. After this she mentioned a couple times after and I thought we were okay on it.
On Monday this week (2 days ago) Lexis came home from work and smelled like smoke. Now I will say since then she has a different nursing job where she goes to peoples houses to do care versus the job she had previously at facility so at first it wasn’t a shock to me. I asked her if she had smoked and she said no, but something was off so I asked again. She waved it away and said oh it was just someone’s house she went to and the smell just stayed on her. At this point she had changed close and was no longer in her scrubs from work. Something felt off so I just looked at her and said “look, if you did smoke just tell me now and I’ll not be made but if I find out later then it will upset me because I’m giving you an out.”
At that point she said she didn’t smoke that day but did the previous Friday. I asked how long it had been going on and she mentioned about a year. Something important to put here too is that her smoking causes her to have tonsil stones which is something that happens over the weekend and cause extreme bad breath. They didn’t start for her until a year ago when she started smoking again and I kind of just put the two and two together that that was the cause of them (she previously told me it was caused by sweets).
When she told me she lied I didn’t know what to do and I felt a bunch of emotions, sad, frustrated that it took that much to get the truth but overall just lied to because she knew my stance on it and just hid it so that I wouldn’t be mad. I now feel like maybe it was something always hidden.
I’ve had personal therapy since to where maybe it was explained that she can be honest about her smoking with me so that again she can just be mindful that I don’t want the smells around me and her tonsil flare ups to be less intimate but idk I guess I’m still upset because this is not what I imagine for myself to have in a partnership long term.
I talked to my sister about it and she mentioned that she was able to get away with it for such a long time and I didn’t know other than the stone so it is really that big of a deal which I guess is true in that regard and that if she just doesn’t smoke around me it shouldn’t be a big deal. I guess at this point I’m just rambling but AITAH for being upset that she smokes cigarettes? It is just something that really isn’t a big deal overall and I should get over? This is the only “major” lie for our whole relationship.
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You can have whatever boundaries you like, smoking can be one of them if you wish.
Probably more important that the smoking itself is the lies and hiding it though.
So she’s cool lying to you. That’s what this boils down to.
A smoker and a liar. Two hard NOs.
Need more info: what is your reaction like? Are u mean? Are u judgmental?
Hiding smoking is definitely bad but when I used to hide even small stuff in past relationships it was because of fear of reaction. I knew my partner was going to judge me and possibly react poorly. Not saying you do react poorly but it could be a consideration.
If you want to stay with this person I would suggest a supportive route. “Hey, I know work stresses you out but what other ways can you relieve that stress? If I paid for a gym membership for you would it help?” If it’s really the smell maybe suggest a vape vs cigarettes.
If u don’t want to stay with them based on hiding and lying about smoking that’s cool too. That’s your boundary. Just kind of a choice u have to make for urself.
You are allowed to have a boundary for anything and she lies to you about this. What else will she lie about in your future?
Smoking darts is gross, and I did for years. It’s also weird that someone would start in their 20s, especially nowadays? 🤯 I’d be upset too. My man moved from darts to vapes and tapered off – which aren’t necessarily a healthier choice, but at least they don’t yellow one’s teeth or cover one in permanent stank. 😅
Your feelings are completely valid. It’s not just about the smoking, it’s about honesty, boundaries, and the kind of partnership you want to build. With marriage coming up, these kinds of conversations are important, especially when it comes to long term values and health. If smoking is something you know you’ll always struggle with, it’s okay to be honest about that with her, even if it means having a hard talk about what life together looks like. Addiction can be tough, and she may need support and patience, but you deserve a relationship where you feel respected and aligned on the things that matter most to you.
The problem I think, is that in telling her that she has to tell you whenever she smokes, and not just that she needs to practice good hygiene so you don’t have to deal with it, telling you started to feel like a punishment.
She shouldn’t have lied, but are we really doing ourselves any favors when we expect our partners to subject themselves to what feels like punishment for small vices?
A nurse with an unhealthy habit that has no problem lying to you?
Why not ditch this one and find someone more healthy, like a red head who owns horses, or a stripper with an absentee dad?
I think it’s a little much expecting them to tell you every time they smoke. If that’s what you really want, okay, but it’s such a habit it would be like if you told them each and everytime you used the restroom