I (M/37) discovered my wife (F/33) was having an affair with a coworker last October. This was devastating to uncover. We had been together for close to seven years, were married for around a year, and were actively trying to have a child all last year. When I confronted her about the situation she told me she was going to stop the affair as soon as we got pregnant, but was never going to come forward about what had happened. She put the blame for her infidelity on my sobriety (I went into recovery from alcohol over a year prior to the affair), which was such an infuriating scapegoat for her behavior. She refused to take accountability for her actions and decided to blame me. It was beyond upsetting.
I moved out and started rebuilding again, and by all accounts everything is going very well. I managed to land on my feet which feels pretty great. The only thing that continues to bother me is that many of my friends have taken the position of wanting to remain friends with both of us. I introduced my ex to my core friend group that I have known for a while when we had started dating, and over the course of our relationship she had become good friends with them as well. Many of them have said they are upset by what she did, but that what happened is between the two of us and that they are going to be friends with both of us.
I’ve communicated many times since the split that this position is hurtful to me, and that it makes me feel like they are willing to simply look past what happened as if it’s acceptable in some ways. I want to move on without having her attached to my life or social circle, and it makes me feel terrible that this just doesn’t seem possible given the position my friends have taken. When I communicate this, the message tends to get back to my ex who in turn gets upset that I’m talking about her when all I’m doing is expressing feelings. It makes me want to distance myself.
EDIT: since some are focusing on my sobriety, I’m just going to add that my decision to stop drinking was primarily focused on longevity. My friend group likes to party a lot, and the same was the case for my ex and I. I got to a point where it felt like it no longer fit into my life and I was tired of feeling like shit all of the time. That particular lifestyle just no longer was the way I wanted to go.
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Your friends staying neutral feels like a betrayal in itself. Loyalty isn’t about picking sides, it’s about recognizing who was wronged, and that sure as hell wasn’t her.
Those were and are not your friends.
Know that and know peace.
The same way you could walk away from your cheating partner, you can walk away from those fake friends
“She refused to take accountability for her actions and decided to blame me.” – Literally ANY argument you get in with a woman, regardless of the circumstances.
Sounds like some of your guy “friends” are hoping to hook up with her now that she’s single. Doesn’t sound like they’re actually your friends. Unfortunately, you may need to make new ones at this point.
NTA. I would permanently drop them. It’s bad enough that she cheated. But to do it while you were trying for a baby is absolutely hideous. I think they’ve shown you who they are. How could you ever trust them or rely on them for anything? I think you’d be better off finding new friends.
Time to find new friends
Surround yourself with loyal people. If you have to ask them to respect you they aren’t real friends. As you get older you will realize you don’t have too many friends. Just people you enjoy wasting time with.
You can’t force your friends to drop her or quit talking to her. I’m assuming you’re all grown adults and can see who is wrong and why it would affect you if they want to stay “neutral” let them but it’s not your place to stick around and tolerate. If your friends are adamant about being neutral in a situation where it’s not really possible then they just don’t want confrontation and I think you may have to slowly distance yourself and see how they act due to it.
NTA. Dump them all and start over.
YTA, anyone who makes someone choose between friends is the asshole.
NTA. I’m really sorry, but you need new friends. Sometimes you have to chose sides and this is one of those times.
Nta accept that these are truly not your friends, staying friends with her is condoning the cheating and lying. Maybe it’s time to slowly move on, make new friends, this will effect your mental health. We’ll done on your recovery, you should be proud of yourself
NTA.
It’s unfortunate, but it happens. Time to make some new friends. Distance yourself from the others. You can hang out with some of them one on one or via text if you wish, but I wouldn’t put myself in a group setting where she’s likely to be present.
Although it may be best to cut the contact now because I’d imagine things will get awkward when you eventually start dating someone else.
It’s their choice to remain neutral. Choose your friends accordingly.
NTA. I was in a situation sorta like this. It ended up with me feeling like I was battling for souls. Then everyone wanted to know when I was going to get over it and we could all be friends.
It was another layer of hurt for me. So I looked at what was going on and decided who out of that group was worth keeping. Looking back best thing I did for me was get rid of that entire friend group.
They get to pick who their friends with and so do you. I personally don’t think I would want to hang out with people who hang out with my ex. Y’all can just stop being friends without one of you being the ah
NTA. What they’re doing is shitty imo, but what else can you do? If you’ve told them multiple times how you feel and they haven’t changed it’s clear they don’t really care. So… I would move forward with that in mind
I’ve communicated many times since the split that this position is hurtful to me, and that it makes me feel like they are willing to simply look past what happened as if it’s acceptable in some ways
It makes me want to distance myself.
So why don’t you? Better yet, why haven’t you? What’s the hold up? It is situations like this that demonstrate exactly who people are.
They were not your friends. I can tell you that with certainty. When I left my friends went with me.
Dude, they are not your friends, and I’d be asking their partners to question their morals. Only cheaters are okay with people cheating on their partners
You are free to distance yourself and probably should. Without knowing all the details I assume your friends watched her deal with your drinking problem for six years and feel sympathy for what she had to go through. Now Both of you have made severe mistakes and your friends shouldn’t have to be held to some standard you think you deserve because you are hurt. Just move forward and find your place.
So what do you want them to do, stone her to death?
They are right, what happened is between you two, not them.
I understand youre hurt, but should the whole world shun her now? We dont live in the middle ages anymore.
Hang out with people who have your back instead. It’s not realistic that everyone will be on your side even though it’s not fair
I think what is going on is that your ex is likable and you were a drunk. On balance they don’t like what she did but can understand the strained family dynamic. You have successfully landed an out of control ship so they aren’t cutting you off.
They think that her actions has got nothing to do with them. That’s true. But on the other hand, they also have your feelings to consider. Which they didn’t.
I’m on the fence with this. If you think that they’re not taking your emotions into consideration, then leave.
As we grow older, you’re gonna realise that the lesser friends you have, the better. Less drama, less heartache, more committed and the happier you’ll be.
NTA but it sounds like they her enough to overlook what she did to you and keep her around. They aren’t your friends anymore. I drop the friends and find new friends or else you’re going to have to keep dealing with your ex. This is usually a time I would move and start over.
Maybe they feel she cheated on you not them so they don’t need to judge her. And was her infidelity because of your year of sobriety or the previous 6 yrs of alcoholism? I’m not judging you here and being sober is hard hard work, but it doesn’t entitle you to decide how other people view your break up. If you feel betrayed by your friends, then you can make a decision not to see them, but you can’t make them choose you over her.
NTA for the way you feel. Real friends will have your back. Those that don’t, remove from your life.
Man, I’m really sorry you’re going through all this—it’s totally understandable to feel hurt, betrayed, and frustrated right now. You’ve been through a massive emotional upheaval, and on top of that, seeing people you considered close friends stay neutral or maintain ties with your ex adds another layer of pain.
What your ex did wasn’t just a personal betrayal—it affected your entire sense of safety and trust. So it makes sense that you’d hope your core support system would align with you, especially when it feels like she hasn’t taken real accountability. When people say, “We’re staying friends with both of you,” it can feel like they’re minimizing what you went through.
You’re not wrong for needing distance or feeling like you can’t fully heal while your ex is still connected to your social circle. It’s not about forcing anyone to pick sides—it’s about needing to feel safe and supported. That’s not petty; that’s just human.
You’re doing the hard work of rebuilding, and you deserve to surround yourself with people who see your pain and stand by you through it. Whatever decision you make about those friendships going forward, it should be about protecting your peace—not just maintaining connections.
Hang in there, man.
NTA. If you’re trying to heal, you can’t have people in your life who support and maybe even defend the person who hurt you. Cut them off, let her have them.
NTA. Cut them off and ask for a DNA test. How can you be sure it’s yours?
NTA. Your friends are cheaters too. Be done with them as well. You don’t have to be ugly with them about it. You can just remove yourself from the chat, the group, the talk. You are forever unavailable to them. Take a minute and meet new people.
Maintain sobriety… tap if you can .. sober dudes get laid.. sober dudes who are 37 have zero problems get 27f, ready to bear a child.. break ups suck.. you gonna feel the burn.. move on man.. i promise you… something soooo much better in your near future
Yeah, you’re being an asshole.
They’re her friends, and welcome to maintain a friendship with whoever they want.
No such things as friends only associates. I tell people this all the time. Real friends will drop someone that hurt "their" friend, if they hurt their friends. I see this a lot irl. I pulled back from calling people friends about 20 years ago.
Some will say that’s really sad, blah, blah, blah. It is until you realize that someone in your"friendship" is putting more into the relationship than the other. It’s also why they say never work with "friends."
They are not only minimizing your feelings they are going to your ex and telling her!!!!! Why do you want anything to do with these people? They are not your friend! As hard as it is to make friends when we get older you will feel so much better and at peace when you don’t have snakes in your life.
Those aren’t your friends. They’re spineless assholes. Ghost them, block them and find new friends. Join new activities and groups with similar interests to yours. You’ll find a new group of friends away from the toxicity of that disloyal bunch.
"she was going to stop the affair as soon as we got pregnant"
And I couldn’t continue reading…
Your friends chose her.
No real friends would do that. At all. Sucks to say but it’s time to cut them off.
NTA. You would and should expect your friends to stand behind you since you were the one who was wronged. I would sit them down and simply say hey I just wanted to have a face to face conversation because I feel that in my lowest place my friends would have taken my side. I realize that you didn’t want confrontation but imagine if you were in my shoes how would you feel. Would you want me to remain friends with both of you or would you want me to choose you. I’m not giving you an ultimatum what I’m doing is explaining why I feel i now need to distance myself from you. It was bad enough to have my wife cheat on me, blame it on my sobriety and the cherry on top was my friends not supporting me but continuing to support the person who put me in this place. So thank you for showing me who you are and how you valued our friendship. It makes walking away hurt a little less. Then get up and walk away. Join a support group or a hobby group make new friends.
Do your friends drink? They are not being neutral. They have decided that morality doesn’t matter. They have chosen to be friends with someone that is disloyal and a liar. They have made their choice. For your own sobriety and sanity choose yourself and find new friends. The pain of being cheated on is horrible, I know. I hope you find peace.
NTA. They may still want to be friends with the two of you, but you don’t have to be friends with them. It suck to lose a core friend group; however, it should be more important to surround yourself with good trustworthy friends. They showed their true faces.
Fake friends, they don’t deserve your kindness and distance yourself from them if they love her more than you.
NTA
OP walk away – I just did this myself after my wife passed – people who were our friends suddenly disappeared and other shit . Got a new # and those folks are dead to me.
NTA.. gradually distance yourself from those “friends”. I am assuming you are avoiding social situations with her. Time to change your social circle. Let these friends enjoy her company
Based on your edit it seems you are in wrong company. Not good for your sobriety. That might be the reason they still like your wife to be in those social gatherings
NTA, but also not great to force people to pick sides. You mentioned that you had an alcohol problem and went into recovery. The same friends who didn’t abandon you during your alcohol issues are giving your ex the same grace. They’re seeing the whole person and not just the bad behavior. That doesn’t make it easier for you, you were betrayed by your wife and deeply hurt. Your feelings are 100% valid. You’ll have to decide whether you value your friends and their freedom to love you both, or whether you can’t bear it and have to cut them loose.
The fact that you talk to your friends about your feelings in regards to your ex girlfriend/wife and it gets back to her, tells you where their loyalty stands. They’ve chosen her. I know it’s a painful pill to swallow but disrespect is never negotiable. Focus and invest in you. Get therapy if you have to. Look at it this way: you are starting from scratch. It’s not easy but what other choice do you have? Stick around and get disrespected? Because that’s going to be the normal type of treatment your ex-crowd is gonna dish out subconsciously. Good luck king. , I said king… That’s what you are but only if you believe that and you are all in with a new mind set.
There is nothing wrong with finding new friends. Decide who is /are the most valuable friend(s) who actually enrich your life. Go to them. Tell them how you feel and how it affects you mentally. It makes you remember a very painful time in your life. It’s sad that it gets back to your ex-wife. If you can’t trust them to keep the conversation private, or they can’t let go, distance them for your own well-being. Think of them as gone already, as painful as that might be.
Get involved in any new activities that interest you to meet new people.
Good luck. You deserve happiness. Don’t forget that.
They can choose to still be friends with her, and you can choose to distance yourself because it’s hurtful. Personally, I’ve never understood the standpoint of staying friends with someone who committed such a huge act of betrayal (because that means this person can’t be trusted in a lot of ways). But I know a lot of people have the "not my circus" attitude about it. It is hard when you’ve been long-time friends with someone to cut them off when it isn’t you they betrayed… you just have to decide how much it bothers you and if it’s worth cutting ties. Maybe just tell them you have a clear boundary of not wanting to hear about her – from what she’s up to, to whether they spend time with her. You’re NTA, but you have a choice to make.
NTA Hugs and love your best life which needs to include true friends.
Another take on this is some of those friends may have other designs. Don’t be surprised if they aren’t inviting her into sexual situations.
Those are people who are her friends or to scared to pick sides and hope you will get back . Block them all
NTA, you made it clear this is hurting you. They made it clear that your pain doesn’t concern them.
It is difficult to start out finding new friends. However, it is what is needed. I’m sure you have interests outside of working. Start looking in those areas to find new friends and making a new support system.
Best of luck to you.
My ex was a better liar… Maybe a better spinner of the truth. I don’t know how we want to call it. Nearly all of our friends were my friends first. He was cheating and moved his girlfriend in the day I moved out. But for some reason everyone thought I was the one cheating on him
And nobody believed he was cheating at all.
I am not friends with any of them. I have cut every single one of them off. I cut my sister off because she continued a relationship with him because "he was like a brother to her" instead of the fact that I actually was a sister to her. And even after she realized what a piece of shit he was, she’s still believed the lies he told about me.
They’re not your friends.. They prioritize having fun with her over how much it is hurting you. Friends don’t do that
Updateme
Nta, they were never your friends
I think you’d be better off finding new friends. This lot don’t sound particularly caring or loyal.
Simple they made decision
You make decision
And move on!
Clearly you need to cut off those friends, with them you are one step away from breaking your sobriety
Did your male friends want to bang her?
As awful as this will sound, your friends are probably hurt that you chose a lifestyle that is not in line with theirs anymore. It speaks to their immaturity and inability to be close friends. I think you made a good choice. It will be better in the long run, but there seem to be some harsh truths right now. AA could be a helpful resource, not to maintain sobriety but for a sense of community. Focus on who you want to be . The change you have invested in is taking you to new places. Embracing the change after grieving the present will help to make your life better. NTA, you have outgrown your social circle.
Nta those shitheads aren’t friends. Oh so the affair will stop once she’s pregnant. Ya and put the ap child on you. Don’t fall for it and she will still try to put the child on you. Get rid of them all.
NTA. I ghosted my BEST FRIEND didn’t even bother telling him why and blocked him on everything after his girlfriend confided in me that she has been trying to leave for years but he threatens to throw himself out of a moving car, punches walls, refused to get a job yet called her a gold digger the list goes on. I help her get the confidence to finally leave his ass and haven’t talked to him since And now she’s one of my closest girl friends. Your “friends” have shitty morals just like your ex. Leave them be and continue moving forward.
Those who choose to not make a choice have still made a choice. And, they did not choose you. Act accordingly.
You need to walk away from these “friends”. As you walked away from your cheating ex you need to walk away from them. Good luck
Your “friends” probably like drinking with her more than they like not drinking with you. Alcoholics tolerate all sorts of horrible behavior so this shouldn’t be surprising.
Soinds like they prefer drink8ng and oartyin with your ex than spending time sans alcohol with you. Drop them
She isn’t even stopping the affair immediately??? You are not the father!
So, people here are gonna say they aren’t your friends, but slow down. First, it is normal to feel jealous and even betrayed that they seem to have chosen her. Second, it’s too painful for you to have them do both right now. Third, you are going to heal and have a wonderful life. Once you recover, you will likely have many reasons to feel grateful the relationship ended – reasons you can’t see right now. Which means: Fourth, there will come a time this no longer matters to YOU. You honestly won’t care and might even be at the same events sometimes just fine. You cannot see that right now. It’s ok. It’s normal to feel like that will never happen. That does not mean it won’t.… And that leads to the final point. The fact that your friends are caught in the middle of your break up, has nothing to do with whether or not they are your friends. In fact, if they weren’t your friends, they would’ve stopped responding to you after the break up. it would be a huge mistake to let your ex be the reason you let go of true friends. So, wait till it no longer matters anymore before you decide these people are or are not your friends. Make that decision based on things other than their relationship with your ex – because in life there are things that are much more important than her. In the meantime, take some space, and make a couple of new friends, so you can be seen independently for now. You will likely circle back around to those old friends, so don’t make any big proclamations or demands, just be busy doing something else for a few months. Your feelings will likely change.
Time for new friends and just explain that you wouldn’t feel comfortable bringing future girlfriends around them if they were still friends with the ex nor would you want to meet any future partners your ex has so better to bow out now whilst it’s still amicable.
NTA. I cut off everyone who kept my ex-husband in their lives. He was also very abusive in a variety of different ways. He still stalks me on social media though which I don’t get? It’s been pretty lonely, but it’s also pretty peaceful.
NTA. I had a group of (now former) mutual friends with my ex-wife. After she left me, I discovered that she’d been at least planning to be unfaithful (and probably had already cheated) with a new guy, and this entire group was at least aware of it. None of them ever told me about it, and spent time with me after she left trying to “support” me, all while knowing what she had done. I found out later that all of them went to her wedding a few months later (yes, I know) and I never spoke to any of them ever again.
There’s no need to confront them, no need to get closure – just walk away from people you can’t trust.
I bet they’ll rethink their choice when she goes after one of their partners/spouse.
Find new friends and NTA
She is probably fucking them all, or at least has fucked them since you have been an item.