I (26) F and my partner (27) M have been together going on 8 years the 9th of this month. We’ve always had a rocky relationship but we’ve always made it work.
My relationship with my in-laws used to be great I would always be invited to outings , parks , lakes or whatever they had planned for the day. But once my daughter was about 3 things changed.
My Inlaws became foster parents too a little girl that had been taken from her parents at 3 months old because her parents abused her. The little girl had broken ribs , broken collarbone and old bruises that were still healing on her back. This little girl stole my heart the minute she landed at my in-laws house. We would plan dates for the girls as my daughter is an only child she finally had someone to play with. Than when the little girl was 1 they also gave my mother in law her newborn sister. So all together it was just the 3 of them
At first them excluding my daughter was small. They always had something to do. ” oh I have social workers over today ” and hour later they would be at the park. Or ” the girls are sick and need to be seen at the doctor’s ” again a few hours later she’d post tyen playing in the backyard on a bounce house.
Fast forward to this weekend and the annual county fair was in town. We go every year with my in-laws. They have a derby show my father in law loved to watch. We would eat go on rides and over all just enjoy the fair. Fair started on Friday and ran all the way to Monday Labor day.
By Thursday we were already asking what the plan was and if we were going to the fair this year again. Immediately we were told they weren’t sure if they were going this year because thet had an event at the church. ( my inlaws are pastors) but they would definitely let me know.
Friday comes around and i havent heard anything from them. So i decided i would take my daughter with my aunt and cousin to the fair right after school. She ate she went on rides and even won a Giant Ice cream gone plushie from playing a game she had a great time.
My boyfriend tells me ” hey they are going Saturday shes going to let us know so she can take our daughter with her” in my mind im like great that sounds perfect. My daughter’s gonna have other little girls she can play with go on rides with and not be the lonely loner kid at the fair on rides.
Saturday rolles around and we hear nothing not from his mom or sister. He FaceTime them and they tell us they aren’t going that day and they will definitely let us know if they go.
Sunday comes around and we haven’t heard anything from them either. Its around 8pm at night and hes calling his mom. So i casually go on facebook. Just to see one of the church ladies on live on the fairs wheel at the fair. I Immediately let him know that they went to the fair.
So he starts going off on his sister and all she had to say was she thought his mom had let us know they were going. His sister than texts me and asks me if their mom had let me know and I quickly responded no. We’ve been asking her since Friday to let us know when she was going to go so she can take our daughter with her.
I was so upset that once again my daughter was excluded from another family outing even if it was just a fair. They are constantly not including her in anything. So I went ahead and texted back what she did was not okay. And blocked them both
Now im sitting here feeling guilty because I know it’d the right thing to do. But i cant help but feel a little partt of me is in the wrong beacause shes her grandma either way. So AITHA?
Comments
You need to sit down with them and ask them straight up why your daughter is now being excluded. The way they answer that question will tell you all you need to know as to who is the asshole.
Nta because they’re not turning up for their grandchild, but then that’s a lot of grandparents. Curious as to why you’re the one arranging everything, does your partner do anything? He needs to be dealing with this.
But ultimately I would mirror their energy, stop trying to gain their attention, they clearly don’t want to give it!!
NTA, step back from the relationship with them for a while. It may be that they are overwhelmed with two little ones at their age but at any rate you need to focus on your daughter and let them come around and realize that it needs to be a two way street.
NTA
Your daughter has been replaced so they dont need her anymore.
I’m guessing as the children grow she will remember she gas a Granddaughter and will want your daughter around to help her as 2 toddlers are not easy to handle.
If and when she remembers make sure you always have plans as these things work both ways
No NTA
It seems to me that your MIL decided she’s a mother, not a grandma anymore. And you just can’t force her to be your girl’s grandma
What you can do is avoid your child to get hurt and that means going NC
Why can’t you have your partner schedule the visits with your daughter? Also you blocking them will be used as justification for the exclusion I bet they sent you something after you blocked them pretending to invite your daughter to stuff
NTA – prioritize your daughter. I be fanned if any of my kids be left to feel excluded for whatever the damn reason is. Do stuff with her and without them. Find play groups through FB – ANYTHING to avoid toxic favoritism.
Don’t block. Just ignore. It hurts more and drives your point more across.
NTA
Not wanting to take a third toddler to an event is understandable due to the amount of work and oversight necessary. What is NOT acceptable is lying about it and acting like they will take them and just ghosting.
Your in-laws are not required to provide your daughter with playmates and events. They are trying to raise two young children that have been through trauma. They should be honest with you though.
Start looking into mom groups or other avenues to get your daughter your desired socialization for her. In the long run, it will probably be more satisfying for your daughter.
I am sure you are hurt. When this initial hurt goes away, just step back and understand you and your daughters role in your in-laws lives. Those children are their kids, and they are treating them as such. You and your daughter are their DIL and grandchild. They don’t need to include you or your daughter in everything they do with their kids. Once you can come to terms with the change in importance in their lives, you all can move on in this different reality, hopefully at peace with each other.
ESH.
While yes they suck for leaving your daughter out, you need to understand that tour in laws and those 2 children are one family just like you and your partner and daughter are one family and there’s nothing wrong with your mil and fil wanting to spend time with there children without here grandchild having to be there
NTA. I’m not one to throw around NC or LC directly. My first impulse is to communicate. Which is what I recommend. Talk to them — together with your partner, as that are his parents and you and him are a team. Tell them how you feel about the situation (not with reproach at best — as people tend to react aggressive/defensive when feeling attacked). Like tell them “We feel like you are intentionally excluding granddaughter…” give examples like the fair, and then asked them “We try to understand you. Why did you not tell us your plans, even when we repeatedly asked you?” And then wait how they respond.
If they are remorseful and want to do better — you talk about it, suggest solutions and keep a close eye on how they do long-term. If they adhere to the things they say. If not, then I would go LC/NC. As it’s not good for your daughter.
If they try to defend themselves from the start, and don’t acknowledge anything or take responsibility, then it should be LC/NC directly. Because they will not change or understand what they did to your daughter. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt like that.
Updateme. Just in case.
You didn’t give much info about ages or behavior, which is relevant. Your daughter is 3-4 years older than the other children. That’s a HUGE gap when they are young.
Especially when your child was 3 and the other was an infant. How could they play together?? Then when the third came along, yours was 4 playing with a 1yo and an infant?
By now, I would suspect your child, being older, doesn’t play so much as bosses them around. I would suspect now that the others are old enough to express a preference, they don’t want your child around and their parents are respecting that.
Instead of being offended, you need to (1) start paying attention to their interactions when they are together, and (2) worry about why your daughter doesn’t have any friends her own age.
‘You need to sit down with them and ask them straight up why your daughter is now being excluded.’
NTA
NAH, yet.
There are some explanations that could work here: They are overwhelmed in general so are having a hard time planning stuff, so last minute things are happening more, so they aren’t excluding you so much as making last minute decisions; they are overwhelmed and not communicating well; or they don’t feel confident in handling 3 kids at the Fair. But you will only know those explanations if you talk to them and figure out what is going on.
You are right to have hurt feelings, and what they are doing is rude, and having to wait on them is bad enough, but finding out they are off doing things while you wait around with your child is even worse. On the flip side, they are going through a major life change and may need some grace. I imagine your life changed when your child came in to the world, and now your inlaws have TWO, and both those kids have extra needs and there is a bigger learning curve for your inlaws than there would be for a new parent typically.
Your partner should take the lead here and maybe both of you sit down with them and figure out what’s going on. The fair example sucks, for sure. But your other ones about the park an the bounce house just feel like parents who don’t have a plan- with added in government involvement and kids getting settled- and so they can’t say “bounce house at 2pm” because they don’t know what 2pm looks like.
Remember that grandparents took in a baby with severe abuse, then less than a year later got a newborn too. My friends who foster/adopt have SO many meetings with government agencies, including surprise visits and late social workers. I don’t really see in your post where you show your inlaws grace for what they are doing and what they may be going through. Sit down with them and find out what is going on, and be honest about your feelings being hurt and feeling left out, because that is real and totally understandable.
So what exactly are you thinking you are accomplishing here?
And why exactly do you have to piggy back onto something MIL is doing with her girls?
Are you not capable of just making your plans, executing them, and moving on?
I don’t suppose it occurred to you that MIL has her hands full. She’s got a couple of kids with trauma that she is raising. You are your toddler are just two more children for her to deal with. And maybe she doesn’t have the energy or bandwidth for your drama.
And yes, I did just call you a child. That is what you are. Your widdle fweelings are hurt because of perceived slights against you are your little darling, aren’t they?
But did you ever stop to read the room? Did you ever stop to think that maybe MIL’s plate is full and right now needs some space to help her foster kids with you on top of her? Without you trying to force a relationship between the kids while she is trying to get them settled? Without you forcing your kid into the middle of a situation with kids that were abused – who knows how they may be lashing out or how they may react at throwing another variable (you & your daughter) at them?!?!?
Read the darned room!
MIL doesn’t want you around – not right now! She is trying to show these kids that they are safe and cared for. They may have expressed discomfort about being around you & your kid.
Maybe she is trying to bring you together, but you keep pushing and pushing. Maybe she was hoping to go to the fair with everyone but her kids at the last minute decided they couldn’t handle you, your kid, and the burden of trying to act the way you want them to.
Grow up why don’t you?
Either talk to MIL and get to the root of the problem, or go ahead and cut her off. Feel sorry for yourself, pout, and tell everyone how mistreated you’ve been.
You are an AH. And an immature one at that!
NTA, but these are his parents. You should not be the one dealing with them anymore. Step back from this and protect you and your baby’s peace. Let him know from now on, he needs to deal with them. Make plans for you and your small family and exclude them. Be independent from their get togethers or plans. ‘Move on’ in a way.
Yes, she’s her grandma. So?
Sharing DNA doesn’t mean someone is a good person. It doesn’t mean they’re a good person to have in your (or your child’s) life.
They are CHOOSING to exclude your daughter. Okay. Let them. They are not necessary for your child to have an AMAZING life.
There are lots of people in the world. Find your tribe. Don’t chase the people who don’t want to be part of it.
INFO: Are you angry about the lies, or do you think that your in-laws aren’t allowed to do fun things with their kids without including your kid?
The other kids are the in-laws children. They’re a nuclear family unit. It’s their right to prioritize their own children, and their own immediate family. That’s not favoritism- that’s just the consequence of a different familial relationship.
I mean, my aunts and uncles did a lot more with their own kids than they did with me. They still loved me, but I wasn’t their daughter, I was their niece, and that meant that I wasn’t their top priority. I was capable of understanding that. I think it’s the same with grandparents. Grandparents owe more to their minor children than they do to their grandkids, who have their own parents.
The issue here is that the in-laws can’t have an open honest conversation about wanting to do things on their own, rather than lying and sneaking around.
I should have probably stated my daughter is 7 now and her kids are 6 and 5. While I most definitely understand, they are now one family, and they are not obligated to invite my daughter to every outing with their kids it does sting a little.
My SIL also has 2 girls. 8 and 2 who are always invited to the outings with them.
My MIL has always been that way with my daughter. My partner, of course, always calls his mom to invite them with us whenever we do plan playdates. They just never show up. They end up going to a different park or doing something completely different.
Ex: we invite them to the lake. She puts up a pool in her backyard for the girls and her other grandkids. We invite them to the park. She takes them to the McDonald’s with an indoor playground. We invite them to eat ice cream. She will take them to a farm with a petting zoo and send us pictures after.
It’s always one thing after another with them. Again, I completely understand they aren’t obligated to include her in everything. But her being the only one not invited and excluded, it’s starting to feel like it’s intentional and upright wrong.
This is a tough one. The foster children are their children now. They are doing a lot. Maybe they are overwhelmed. Taking their foster children out may not feel any different to them than you taking your daughter out without them.
I would let your husband have a conversation with them to see if there is something else going on. Blocking them causes problems with the entire family and may not be the way to go. It’s your husbands family at the end of the day.
Go to their church and ask them loudly about the value of family.
Don’t block, talk.
You can block them afterwards if you feel like it.
My Dad’s a minister and I grew up in the Church and I have issues with this lying behaviour and them being ministers. Does this bother you, too?
It totally sounds like one of the issues here is lack of honesty and integrity. I think you need to find a way to gently and lovingly talk to them, in a very calm way, explaining your feelings and what you’ve noticed and then just sit and listen, very carefully, to what they have to say. You might find out some surprising information. It may not be pleasant to hear or it might be totally positive. But the important thing is to go into the meeting calm, with a clear head and an open mind.
I don’t think you were an A to block them–I can understand the hurt–but it might be a bit extreme at this point. You have nothing to lose by finding out what’s going on here. There are obviously issues at play that you are unaware of, and finding them out will be useful information. I suggest that, after you talk with them, you go away and think and only react to whatever they say, later. You want to have a clear head.
Regardless of what you find out, the information might also help you with your daughter and other parents and children interactions. Children act differently when we’re not around, and it might be something as simple as that your child is so high-energy that they are afraid of losing her as they’re preoccupied with the younger ones.
Meanwhile, no sense burning bridges. This past weekend would have really hurt, and no sense letting them know unless you are prepared to go and talk to them. Which will be hard, but you can do it, OP.
Then, decide how to proceed.
They are awful people. Keep them out of your life!!😊