I had been seeing this girl for a few months. We met through a friend so I had known her a little longer but she was gorgeous and I was super into her.
Last saturday she invited me over to her place which I had never been to. She had mentioned her apartment was a mess and I laughed cause I thought she was just being self deprecating, but when we got to her place… hooooly shit dude.
I want to start off by saying I know that people have their reasons for stuff like this and I don’t want to be disrespectful in any way. There are plenty of valid reasons for not being able to clean your home. But the state of her apartment was genuinely shocking when I first went in. It was a pretty small place and I’m not just talking about clutter. Literal piles of trash on the floor, sink full of dishes overflowing onto the counter, stains on the couch and carpet, week old food on the table and just piles and piles of stuff everywhere. Not to mention the overpowering smell of mold and mildew that I could literally taste in my mouth.
She told me to sit down and stuff like it was completely normal and I tried not to act weird but I’m sure she noticed. I stayed for a bit and we watched a movie on the couch but I left before it got too late.
The next day I called her and told her I didn’t think things were gonna be compatible between us and she got mad at me for leading her on and breaking up with her for no reason. I didn’t mention the apartment but idk maybe I should have.
Literally nothing about her appearance or personality would lead me to expect this so it was sort of unbelievable to see the state she was living in. I feel bad for her and I’m worried I might have acted too quickly.
Edit: I just watched the friends episode and wow it’s scarily similar lol
Comments
this is that episode of friends… NTA
NTA bro, you are allowed to have standards, that kind of mess can be a huge red flag for deeper issues.
not the ah. her place made you uncomfortable, and it’s okay to walk away from something that doesn’t feel right. you don’t owe anyone a relationship.
You don’t owe anyone a relationship if you already know you’re not compatible , better to end it early than resent her later.
Compatibility isn’t just about chemistry it’s also about hygiene. If I have to dodge pizza boxes like landmines just to sit down, that’s not “quirky,” that’s a health hazard. You didn’t ghost her, you bowed out respectfully. That’s not being shallow, that’s self-preservation.
NTA. If you choose to date/marry someone, you’ll likely live together. You’re allowed to say no thanks to living with someone who doesn’t clean up after themselves. Big ick.
Ross?
I guess some people take living in the moment to a whole new level like living in a dumpster fire.
This will probably get me in trouble with a lot of people, but I have found that women tend to do most of the cleaning, but they don’t seem to be very good at it if you want something clean have a man do it
NTA. Moving in with a partner and doing chores together can be a bit of a challenge even for the most compatible and well-meaning couple. And to have this as the starting point? What would happen if you ever moved in together, had a pet, had kids?
You’re worried about having moved too quickly. Would it be an option to have one last conversation with her about this? You can still make it quite clear that this is an absolute deal-breaker for you, but it might do you good to ask her to explain and to hear her out. Not to get back together, necessarily, but to get closure for yourself and for her.
NTA. But I do think you should’ve mentioned the apartment. People who don’t know what the problem is cannot take any corrective action. Tell her and move on.
Gorgeous people are used to people not minding their selfishness, arrogance, & laziness. It’s just such an honor to be in our presence.😆
I have a family member who is gorgeous, smart and kind and when she was going through a phase of anxiety and depression (she hid the depression) her apartment was like that. It’s up to you if you want to give her more of an explanation but I wanted to let you know why there might be such a disconnect between how she presents and the condition of her apartment.
You were just dating. You saw something that told you the two of you were incompatible. You decided to stop dating. No assholes here. However, it probably would have been kind to tell her it was the mess in her apartment that turned you off. Possibly she grew up in even worse filth and doesn’t know better.
Kinda weird that you need advice at this point. “Gee… can someone think for me?”
I don’t know why you didn’t tell her the reason for breaking up. In the end she has no idea what went wrong so she can consider if she wants to make changes to her lifestyle and potentially avoid the same situation again.
In short, YTA for being passive-aggressive.
Your absolutely valid
you definitely could have talked it through. if she somehow tried to turn it around on you or something, then maybe… but, I think you rushed it.
Does she have a pet hamster?
She’s a horder. She needs to find another horder
There’s a difference between clutter and filth. Also hoarding is a real problem. It’s not like you expected it to be spotless, but yikes!
Women don’t like dating men who live like pigs so why should men put up with it.
NTA, hygeine is should always be a priority. How could she live on a place like thatt.
If you care about her after months of dating her, I think you should have a face to face conversation with her, and tell her the truth (kindly). I think it’s so much worse for her to think you played her and for her to wonder what happened. You’re under no obligation to be with her or to help beyond that. She’s clearly struggling with her mental health but is still functional (outside of the house) and passing to anyone that doesn’t see the state of her home. Obviously her bringing you home means that it’s become so normal to her that she doesn’t get how shocking it is to others. She needs professional help and it can take time to heal that kind of trauma caused disordered thinking & living.
Nta
I’ve had a similar situation that was pretty spot on apart from she wasn’t very attractive.
The kitchen had cups with a fungus growing on top of the liquid, dirty underwear scattered in the bedroom and hallway.
Her kids had been taken away by CPS. I saw the letter and quickly skimped over it.
Having kids myself, I didn’t want that happening to me.
i don’t mind a mess, but as previously stated, if you have cups with life in it you are a bit beyond messy.
NTA – Just hear me out, imagine you move in together? You know pretty much the outcome of that situation and don’t want to live with a tornado.
This happened to Ross – Watch Friends – “The One with the Dirty Girl” (Season 4, Episode 6)
Call her back and tell her it’s because of her fucking putrid apartment. I wouldn’t have stayed in that filth for 10 seconds 🤗
Just imagine, this could be AFTER she cleaned up for you! Most people are on best behaviour at first so if this is what you’re seeing now then it’s only going to get worse! My parents were hoarders, they did not have old food and trash just lying about. Just way to much stuff, clutter and dust. This is not hoarding, this is something else entirely, maybe you should tell her that you didn’t break up with her for no reason and that you didn’t want to take your relationship to the next level after seeing how you’d have to live, maybe she’ll double down or maybe this will be her wake up call that it’s DISGUSTING. That’s what her house looks like at the peak of her physical self, imagine after you have kids, or an injury or something.
You are incompatible. She is a pig and you are normal. This will be a lifetime of frustration and fighting.
If she asks again just tell her, she hates you now anyway.
If the house had a weeks worth of dishes and trash around shows how she is willing to live in any given day
ESH. How could you be dating for a few months and exclusive without seeing how she lives?
I wish I had paid attention to this red flag. I didn’t, and now I’m having to extricate myself from a long-term relationship that has been severely damaging to my mental health. NTA.
NTA, but I think you could have been completely honest and told her it was because of the state of her apartment that you wanted to end things.
NTA. I would have mentioned her place.
Because at that point you kind of had nothing to lose you were planning on ending it.
I would’ve said something like hey I know this is probably gonna come across as rude. What is going on with your apartment?
I would probably still tell her you never know? Maybe she has a legitimate excuse.?
NTA. My buddy walked out of date in college because she had stuffed animals and a hope chest. Sometimes you just know.
I would tell her. I know depression and mental illness sucks but it may wake up to getting help
Imagine what the place was like before she cleaned it up for her company coming over
Nta
NTA, I had a girlfriend that would park at the edge of my property. She also never invited me over to her house. One day I happened to walk by her car and was shocked to see it was full of crap half way up the windows. I bailed double quick.
That woukd never change. You woukd have to accept that to be woth her. NTA
You broke up with her – you certainly should have told her the condition of her apartment, and what that shows you, was a deal breaker for you. She deserves to know, and maybe it would motivate her to deal with it.
I had a cute Latina like this. She was super sweet and thoughtful and some bomb kitty but she was a nasty slob in her house it was so gross I am a ocd clean military guy
You dodged a bullet.
When I first met my wife her apartment was like this , she had 3 other roommates and not gonna lie that it was concerning. Until I saw her room which was pristine. Her roommates were garbage party animals.
That’s pretty disgusting. However, she will likely never change. My husband was messy and a little hoardy, when I first met him and after 25 years he still hasn’t changed.
Would you hit it one last time?
I had a friend like her, she was a slob. You just saved yourself from years of arguments and misery. I am sure she knows why you broke up with her and dont believe no one else in her life hasnt mentioned her uncleanliness in the past. Do not second guess yourself, you made the right decision. NTA