Relevant: my husband “hates” cats and a couple months ago a small kitten showed up on our porch. I ended up getting him vaccinated, named him and feed him. He’s our porch cat (can’t come inside because husband doesn’t like cats) and our 10 year old daughter adores him.
We were out of town for a week and my MIL was pet/house sitting. She left our house around 3pm. Our flight was severely delayed due to weather so we didn’t get home until around 11pm.
My husband fed the dogs and my daughter and I basically washed up, got in PJs and went straight to bed. My husband was on our back patio in the hot tub and I hear him yelling at her across the house. She has gone onto the front porch to feed the cat.
He was saying “she shouldn’t be up out of bed that late and outside”
Our kid is a rule follower and she was literally just being responsible, but I understand that he was concerned about her going outside that late alone, even if it was just on the porch.
So apparently he had a “talk” with her today when they were running some errands and she tells me later that he threatened to “trash the cat”. She was pretty upset when she told me.
I immediately confronted him and he was like “no I told her that if she continued to break the rules that we would get rid of the cat”
I said “what rule? We never established a “rule”?”
“About her getting out of bed and going outside that late”
I emphasized that we had JUST gotten home, everyone was still up (and jet lagged!) and that it’s never ever been an issue. I asked why he would make a threat about getting rid of her cat?
She’s never done something like that before, kid is usually asleep by like 9pm tops.
It seems like a total overreaction and now he’s pissed at me saying I didn’t “respect how he was parenting”
AITAH?
Comments
NTA, but re-home the cat.
NTA he’s being a total dictator. He just doesn’t like the cat and is throwing his authority as a parent around willy nilly
NTA. Saying something like that can really scare a little kid! That’s an inappropriate reaction to that situation and a mean threat to make. He should take responsibility for upsetting your daughter and threatening to take away the animal she loves.
ESH?
Like, your husband is obviously being an asshole, but you cannot give a good life to a cat that lives outside your home. Outdoor cats have to deal with a lot of danger and usually have abbreviated lives, and are also absolute murder on local wildlife.
Maybe rehome the husband so your cat can come inside.
NTA. threatening to “trash the cat” over something so small?? that’s messed up. kids take that stuff to heart, esp if they love the animal. he coulda just said “pls don’t go outside late” and moved on. that was just mean tbh
Rehome the husband and bring the cat inside
NTA. wtf kinda threat is “i’ll trash the cat” 😭 that’s just mean af. she was feeding an animal she loves, not sneakin out to party. he overreacted HARD and now he’s mad u called it out? nah that’s on him
NTA for this. But YTA for staying married to a person who tells a little girl that he’ll harm her beloved pet as a threat.
At least rehome the cat so it gets a decent home and doesn’t have to be anywhere near your garbage husband.
Where I live stray cats, outside cats, and barn cats are very common and normal. It sounds like this cat was a stray that showed up on your porch, whose life you’ve BETTERED by giving it consistent food, shelter, medical attention, and affection. Surely that’s better than it ending up at the pound and possibly getting put down?
Your husband doesn’t like the cat and he is going to get rid of it one way or another.
I suspect now that he is mad – the cat is going to have an “accident” with the hot tub.
Re-homing the cat is one solution but I think rehoming the man is a better idea.
BECAUSE he is NOT safe for your daughter.
NTA
NTA. Ex had told our daughter he would disinherit her if she didn’t go brush her teeth. She didn’t even know what the word meant. She still remembers him saying it and she is now in her 20s and no contact with him.
NTA
Your husband was engaging in straight up bad parenting. He didn’t establish rules and consequences ahead of time, giving the kid a chance to understand and follow the rules. He made up a rule on the spot, and threatened a severe consequence. Whether the cat lives outdoors or not, getting rid of a pet should NEVER be a consequence (except for things which are harmful to the actual pet, of course).
“We’ll get rid of something you love if you don’t obey secret rules” just creates anxious kids who feel like they’re walking on eggshells.
YTA your daughter was outside at night without either of your knowledge. That is a recipe to get kidnapped you dont need me to look up stories about children getting taken when they are just outside.
Also that cat should go to a shelter. Outdoor cats live shorter lives and are harmful to their environment. That cat has killed dozens or hundreds of birds and other small wildlife just for the hell of it. You also haven’t said that you have gotten him neutered which should have been the first thing you did to stop more strays from being born.
YTA it’s still a stray cat. It’s not your cat or her cat. Outside cats are bad for the environment, the wildlife in the area & are at risk of being hit by a car. I didn’t realize this is the 1950s where the man of the house has control over everything & everyone, and women get no say. Oh, wait a minute…🙄🙄🙄🙄
Bring the cat to a shelter or humane society so she can find a family who actually gives a shit about him & will take care of him! Cuz that’s not what you’re doing. Even though the cat deserves a loving home!!! Your daughter deserves to have a cat, and your loser husband deserves a kick in the pants. HE WASN’T PARENTING, HE WAS DICTATING!!!! How can you live under the rule of an awful dictator like that?!
At least find the cat a good home!!!! Otherwise someone will find & keep it, someone will run it over & kill it, or your pos AH husband will make good on his promise!!!! He could have the cat put down you fucking moron. You’re gonna break your daughter’s heart & show your husband that his word is final. Fucking disgusting!
While it is not ideal to have an outside cat, shelters euthanize thousands of cats a day. Better to have a home where the cat is obviously taken care of. (For background, I am a big proponent of indoor only, but have been in animal rescue long enough to know when a good home is good enough.)
NTA. Your husband was acting out against the cat. He saw daughter out there, so she wasn’t completely alone. You should have the cat fixed. Males fight and females will have kittens. So husband isn’t allergic or anything, he just hates the cat? He’s an AH
I live where outdoor cats are a thing, but the internet is going to feel a way about it. Indoor or outdoor, a pet is a two yes one no decision. It doesn’t sound like the husband “hates” cats, it sounds like he hates cats. That said, threatening the cat is low level psycho stuff and not really a good sign for how he interacts with y’all’s daughter. So, YTA for not rehoming a cat when your spouse didn’t buy in to keeping a cat. He’s a way bigger AH for saying he would ‘trash the cat’ and inventing rules that the household didn’t agree on and communicate. Has he ever used violent language with you or the kid before? Is he usually domineering? Is he usually a dictator? Does this behavior he’s exhibiting actually fit with things you’ve seen before? If yes, get a divorce before someone gets hurt and keep the cat. If not, rehome the cat and have a serious conversation about both of your behaviors, possibly with a counselor to mediate, before you have serious parenting problems later.
Bullying and making threats isn’t parenting. You picked a real winner to have kids with. /s
NO! He’s planning on doing something to the cat! He should never make a threat like that! I would re-home the husband and bring the cat inside. People who show no compassion or respect for another animal are not good people. You don’t have to love something to respect it!
So your husband didn’t want a cat and you went ahead and got a cat?
How can you not like cats? This baffles me. Your husband is an asshole.
NTA. Are there other examples of him being controlling that maybe you haven’t really noticed? Making up a rule just to threaten something a child loves when they break the nonexistent rule is kind of unhinged and I find it hard to believe that someone who does this has shown no other red flags.
What he did is also not parenting. While I’m pro-indoor cat, I’m not going to jump on you for that point but I would honestly be concerned about the cat with a man who hates cats so much he’s actually projecting that to his own child.
Check YouTube for how to make a safe insulated cat house from a storage tote & Styrofoam panels
NTA. WOW, did he want to traumatize his daughter. Wow. NTA.
Let the cat come inside
NTA. Your husband sounds awful.
ESH. Husband is obviously an AH here threatening a cat to teach his daughter a lesson. That’s messed up, and hating any animal is just unhinged. You for marrying someone that hates cats and being surprised that they still indeed hate cats and act accordingly. Why marry someone like that in the first place?
Ummmm… “Trash the cat?” Does he mean he’s going to kill it?
I’d be very wary of your husband, because that’s red flag language imo.
husband hates birds too apparently
NTA your husband is the whole problem. He threatened your daughter over feeding a cat she adores.
ESH
You’re tha AH for getting a pet when your husband didn’t agree to it.
You’re the AH for having an outdoors cat.
Your husband is the AH for the threats.
That bit of parently doesn’t deserve respect. He was wrong to threaten the cat. Let him sit in his hurt feelings.
Hating cats is a big red flag. His cruelty to the cat is unacceptable. I hope you can see that creating that rule about the cat living outside is EXTREME controlling and CRUEL behaviour. He’s modeling some overtly misogynist behaviour to your daughter. Cats are strongly feminine symbol in our culture. He hates females. That cat’s not safe around him and neither is any female creature, including yourself. I agree that hubs should be rehomed and that way everyone in your home is safe. Your child is upset because her instincts are telling her that everything he said was very deeply wrong. That threat was over the top and intentionally mean to your child. He has no empathy! You don’t say that to a little girl. What a lame excuse he gave you! Your spider senses must be screaming.
I’m going to be 100% honest with you… You should have never taken that cat in. That was your first mistake.. That should’ve been a vote, and if both of you are not agreeing, the cat should’ve been rehomed. Now, i get your heart, and i see your empathy for the fur babies; you married your husband, not the cat..
Your husband was ABSOLUTELY wrong for what he said to your daughter. It was insensitive, it was brutish, and he was reacting out of exhaustion..
That’s the common thread. Everything happened when you ALL were exhausted.
Now… this is the hard truth:
You and your husband need counseling. The decision to take care of pets is just as important as caring for kids. YOU take on the responsibility of those YOU choose to bring into your life. Difference in this situation is… You’re not single, you’re married! Decisions are made TOGETHER! If you wanted a cat so bad, you should have had empathy for your husband and try to understand the why, not the what. Even if he just doesn’t “vibe” with cats, that’s HIS prerogative, and you bulldozed it for a cat you can’t even let inside.
Again, he has his faults! He should’ve been fully honest about his reasons why the cat couldn’t stay.. He needs to be able to look inward and express himself to his wife honestly. His communication skills and vulnerability need work, but you’ve been quite selfish in what you want, with little consideration of possible communication. My favorite phrase.. “A closed mouth don’t get fed.” You two could have talked this out, and even if he was putting up a block, remind him you’re coming from it with love, not judgement.
This COULD HAVE been a conversation from the jump, but you’ve used your daughter’s growing attachment to the cat as leverage, and you know you did. I get it! I did the same thing with my husband… but at some point it comes back to bite you. Your husband absolutely was wrong for talking to your daughter that way; he should’ve talked to you. When it comes to parenting, you both agree or it’s an automatic NO. Full stop.
ESH. Let’s establish that, because the only two innocent parties in this are your daughter and the cat. You two need marriage counseling, because neither of you are on the same page.