My Husband 40 and myself 38 and our 4 children were invited to go on vacation to Cabo. We graciously accepted and began the planning process with the in-laws. They paid for the rooms and we were going to pay for dinners and some outtings.
We had everything planned. We decided to take a last minute trip to the beach a month before our Cabo trip. Everything was great. Until our daughter came home to us at the end of the trip and said Aunt Casey is coming to Cabo. When asked who told her that she said Grandpa told her while they were swimming in the pool.
My husband and I were immediately upset. Casey (not her real name) is my husband’s sister who we have not had contact with in years due to her being physically abusive (provoking fighting amongst her siblings.) husband is one of 5. and brought our children into verbal conflict. Verbal abuse. Violent outburst poor in pulse control. She has been told she needs help many times. And never gets it blaming everyone and never taking responsibility for anything.
Her life has been spiraling out of control for years never being able to hold any type of relationship.
Father in law has babied her and let her walk all over him and almost bankrupt him. She calls him names and is manipulated him to a point of no return.
My husband canceled as soon as we found out she was invited. They know our boundaries and have made it clear we will not be at anything she is at. knowing they wouldn’t get the money back, We did offer to pay our portion but they refused. Are we the asshole? They are mad because we canceled and decided to go on our own vacation.
Comments
I mean, obviously NTA, not sure why you’re even asking.
NTA. You set a clear boundary for your family’s safety and peace, and they chose to ignore it. You had every right to cancel, especially when your trust was broken behind your back.
NTA. Frankly, protecting your peace and your kids from someone toxic is more important than a vacation. It sounds like your boundaries were clearly set, and they were disrespected. It’s understandable that your husband would prioritize family harmony and mental health over a trip. If they’re upset, that’s on them for not respecting your boundaries. Do you think they’ll ever take your concerns seriously, or are they too blinded by her manipulation?
NTA – you’ve had clear established boundaries, and they decided to try to pull a fast one. Wouldn’t even have offered to pay them back, if it were me. they 100% knew what they were doing. Enjoy your new less stressful vacation!
NTA. I believe the term is “fraudulent inducement.” They caused you to agree to this outinh and to incur cost by a lie of omission and deception. Think I read “fraud destroys any contract.” So, you owe nothing. In fact, you should be reimbursed for all money paid. They knew the rules. They lied.
NTA But next time they call you ungrateful. I would just say back to them “Oh you want me to be grateful you wanted to surprise me with a violent person I cut off. Yeah sorry about that but thats not how it works. You know she has put my children through no end of trouble and wanted to hide that she was coming on the trip. Because if you did not want to hide it you would have told us up front. And we would have told you we were not coming and then you wouldnt be able to try and guilt us with “Oh but its paid”. So you dont get to blackmail us with guilt. Because you knew what was going to happen.”
NOPE!!! The family is enabling her to continue to be a nasty bitch. They also know how you feel about her! Having good boundaries about not allowing yourself to be abused is important.
Absolutely not. This is a clear case of FAFO!
NTA – if this woman has not apologized, gotten therapy and changed her ways, why would you be around her?
NTA. They were planning an ambush.
NTA. You have boundaries; they violated them; the end.
NTA.
She sounds like a nightmare.
But I have to point out one thing. You said FIL has babied her and let her walk all over him to the point where he is almost bankrupt.
He isn’t. If he can afford a trip to Cabo for a minimum of NINE people (himself, his wife, the 6 of you and your SIL) and possibly a lot more if the 3 other siblings and their families are invited, he is FAR from bankrupt.
He chose to be dishonest and he knew that if you found out you wouldn’t go yet he told your daughter. Why? He must have known she would tell you. It seems he wanted the reaction he got (you cancelling) to justify his years of taking her side. Now he can make you look like the bad guys.
Don’t think about it anymore. He booked refundable rooms and flights knowing that you would back out. He’s just as manipulative as his daughter.
Clearly NTA
NTA – and taking it a step further that your inlaw are, since they knew SIL was coming and hid it from you.
Your ILs fucked around, and they found out. Again, it would seem.
I mean, you were clear with your boundaries. Your ILs tried to stomp all over them, probably trying to force a reconciliation.
You did the decent thing, offering to cover your portion. That’s more than most people would have done.
NTA
NTA, You are going on vacation to relax not to be stressed out by a combative person who is guaranteed to make your vacation hellish. It sounds like she thrives on chaos. I have a sister that is like that, she is happiest when everyone around her is miserable and she will deliberately start arguments. Plan your own separate vacation and go relax with the people who you choose to be around. Don’t waste one more second thinking about her or this situation.
NTA – they knew you were NC, that’s why they weren’t upset enough to want you to pay them back.
They probably had alternate at the ready.
Nope. You protect your kids and yourselves.. That’s NOT an AH move at all.. Shalom you’re loved 💔
I might not cancel, just book another resort. Have fun with your fam and tell FIL that you won’t be blindsided with the SIL
NTA. You made your boundaries clear. They chose to ignore that and risk you not coming if you found out. They wanted you to ignore it and go anyway, if you did find out. They’re really mad at themselves for testing you and it backfired. They will either learn to accept that or risk losing the entire relationship because they want to be pushy.
NtA. Her drinking in Mexico is just a recipe for disaster.
NTA but could you have transferred it into someone else’s names so they didn’t lose out money?
NTA. Everyone knows you’re NC with Casey? Your in-laws were TA for inviting her and not saying anything to you. I guess they were going to let you find out in Cabo? No thanks. They may want to put up with her abuse, but you choose not to.
They’re not entitled to be mad. You offered to reimburse them for the costs lost, they refused.
They purposefully kept it secret but he thought it was too late to cancel hence him telling your child. Not sure what he expected would happen.
Your children’s safety is your number 1 priority.
Nta
They didn’t tell you because they knew you wouldn’t go. Once Grandpa let the cat out of the bag and once you canceled, they knew you knew and didn’t ask you to reimburse them.
I don’t know what kind of reality they’re living in, but they obviously would like to have their children and families together on vacation, regardless of your wishes.
They are being disrespectful of you. I would go LC or NC until they can appreciate your position, or until your SiL gets help.
NTA. If you canceled because of some capricious, spurious reason, then you would be a jerk. Your in-laws absolutely knew that you were no contact with sister in law and were counting on quilting you into breaking your boundaries so you wouldn’t be rude.
Play butch games win bitch prizes. Guess FIL found out.
NTA but that was sure an AH move by your ILs.
NTA: they knew your boundaries they know the history and the problems Casey causes so they only have themselves to blame. If they didn’t want to lose money they should have told you guys before inviting you on the holiday
Never TA for protecting yourself from abusive family. If others are upset… so be it. It’s not on you. They knew your boundaries and crossed them.
Nope, Nope, Nope. They went behind your back fully knowing you wouldn’t be agreeable to this. If they lose money, it’s totally their fault.
NTA. It blows my mind when family members pull this shit. Stick to your guns. They knew you wouldn’t go if they told you, the financial loss is on them. Go low contact with the in laws until they pull their head out of their ass.
Let them be mad.
You did the right thing all the way through and do not need to subject yourselves and your kids to a mental case.
If anyone is the asshole it would be the Father In Law, for not telling you.
Stand your ground, tell the FIL if he’s unhappy, then he’s unhappy.
NTA. We used to get grief because we wouldn’t be around a family member with a diagnosed personality disorder. She was NOT allowed around our children. We also set conditions for re-establishing contact: three months without telling either her mother or grandmother to Eff Off, with an automatic reset every time she failed. (She played them against each other, and we always heard about it.) It bought us almost a year of freedom. Anyway, long story short, her toddler ended up hospitalized with a Traumatic Brain Injury courtesy of a new boyfriend, the state offered jail or her relinquishing her parental rights (after she refused to comply with their very reasonable conditions), she stole stuff from the enablers, and now only her grandmother will have anything to do with her (to our sorrow). Boundaries kept us away from the majority of the drama. Boundaries are awesome!
NTA.
Good on the follow through!
Stand strong. Sounds like you and your husband are a team. Good!
Might be a good way to ditch her forever in Mexico
NTA, that was so dirty of them. They figured that since you’d already invested money you wouldn’t back out. Good on you for saying “bet” and canceling. I’m really proud of your husband for holding strong on his boundaries. I know that can be really hard, especially when emotional manipulation kicks in. Enjoy your PEACEFUL vacation!
Hey it’s your husband’s family and he was the first to jump to cancel so to me that tells me it’s justified. There is no reason to subject yourself, your husband and kids to abuse from anyone.
NTA
NTA. Good thing you found out.
nta in any way
NTA
You would have been the AH if you insisted that they uninvite SIL. You did not do that. You simply asserted the boundaries that you had already set. They deliberately chose to try to violate your boundaries for their own gain so any fallout from that is their own fault.
Sounds like in-laws also should get a few months of time out for trying to slip this by you. Glad hubby canceled.
Thank you all for the advice and the input. We are definitely sticking to not going. We have already planned another vacation. I think what upsets me the most is they tried to manipulate us using our children. By telling our daughter first it was their way of telling us without telling us. I think they were banking on the kids being excited for Cabo and us not backing out due to them paying for the rooms.
Who called you an asshole? Your in laws? They do not have room to talk, assuming they knew and ignored your boundaries. Do not give that whole drama-swirl another thought. Enjoy your vacation AWAY from all that nonsense!
NTA. They know your boundaries. They chose to violate them. This is on them. Let them be mad.