Essentially, a few weeks before the wedding, me and her and her fiancé were hanging out for dinner and her fiancé, let’s call him Richard, doesn’t like me very much, and while he never outwardly said anything until now, I could always tell that it was partially because I’m gay. I was kind of leaning in the table and somehow I knocked his glass of beer over and it didn’t break but it spilled all over the table. He called me the f-slur and got really angry. We cleaned up the beer and he calmed down a little bit but never apologized. Because of this, I didn’t feel comfortable going to his wedding. I told my sister and she called me an asshole and that it was my obligation to go to her wedding as her sister regardless of my “personal opinions” of the person she was marrying and that while Richard’s response was “a bit over the top,” I should have been more careful around his beer glass. I just want to be safe and respected and thought it wouldn’t be a good idea to go to someone’s wedding who acts like that, even if my sister is there. AITAH?
AITAH for canceling on my sister’s wedding because her fiancé called me a slur?
r/AITAH
Comments
He showed you exactly how little he respects you, and your sister shrugged it off , why should you celebrate a love that makes you feel small? You deserve to be somewhere you’re safe, not just tolerated. You’re not an asshole
NTA. He’s wrong for disrespecting you like that. Your sister is wrong for being complacent. I’d probably not talk to either again. You deserve to feel safe and respected, and neither has respect for you.
Yes, you should have been more careful with his beer. On the other hand, it’s fortunate that this happened because now you are spared the expense of attending the wedding of someone who hates you for who you are and the person who supports that.
NTA. Slurs are unacceptable. I wouldn’t go to the wedding either. And I would avoid the fiance. He sounds like a real piece of work.
he called you that because of some spilled beer?? he’s whack and your sister is a ‘pick-me’ who probably won’t stand up against this man if his behavior was to get worse
NTA
It is kind of insane to me how casually her fiancé used the f-slur and did not even think to apologize (BARE MNIMUM). on top of that, your sister should have stood by you, but it sounds as though she downplayed what he did and even shifted the blame on you for knocking the glass. i see no room here where you could possibly be the AH.
you’re not overreacting for not wanting to go somewhere where you aren’t respected & expectedly feel unsafe, and that is the environment they foster.
+ while this is irrelevant because his reaction is unjustified anyway, the glass did not even break. your sister telling you to ‘be careful around his beer glass’ is crazy when all you did was spill a drink, SPILL: a very easy, fixable issue. and his reaction was OUTRAGEOUS, for something so small. i think this is telling about his character. and while i don’t want to paint your sister as villainous, i find it crazy that she is condoning this behaviour. i would never let a s/o treat my older sisters like this.
i genuinely wish you the best, no matter what choice you end up making!
NTA, you did what was necessary to protect your dignity and well but it’s okay to feel uneasy about being in a space where you’re not respected… thank you for standing up for yourself even when it wasn’t easy.
NTA. You deserve to feel safe and respected. Richard and your sister however are massive AHs. You are not obligated to be at her wedding and your sexual identity is not just an opinion. Ignore the wedding and go do something fun on that day.
Why would you go ? Why would you support such rude behavior. Going would just show he got away with it and will treat you worst in the future and you sister will stand by him not you.
He showed who he really is and unlikely to change. No gift or appearance at all. And I would go no contact with both of them.
YTA if you go to this wedding. To yourself, your sister doesn’t respect you enough to stand up for you so nah don’t go. You deserve better! Have a fab day out yourself on the day and make sure to post it everywhere
NTA
Your sister agrees with him babe. The fact that she would dismiss his hate-filled words & say you should have been more careful, says she believes it was your fault. You spilling a beer was deserving of being called a slur.
Time to back off & go LC/NC. She is marrying a homophobe because she is a homophobe.
NTA. And tell sis that their is no obligation. An invitation is not a summons and her fiancé’s conduct is inexcusable.
NTA.
Ask her where her family obligations have gone? Why is she ok with marrying someone who is homophobic when she has a gay sibling? If she doesn’t feel any need to deal with his behaviour & to stand up for her sibling then why should you feel a need to attend her wedding?
OP, my brother is gay and if the love of my life ever called him a slur, there’d be hell to pay. NTA
Your sister is just as prejudice as he is drop them both go no contact shalom you’re loved 💔
Well, just wait until he calls her the C word.
NTA. He called you a slur. That’s not ‘over the top,’ that’s homophobic and aggressive. You don’t owe your presence to someone who disrespects you
Tell her you’ll catch the next one.
NTA. What he said was disgusting and there was no excuse for what he said.
NTA. When someone shows you what they are, believe them.
NTA
NTA
Nope, NTA. She’s responsible for the way he is “allowed” to treat you…do yourself a favor and let the idiots have each other. Maybe when she’s divorcing him she’ll understand just how messed up this is.
where do y’all find these people? If i did that my ex woulda dropped me so fast lol
NTA it is absolutely NOT your obligation to go to her wedding. It IS her fiance’s obligation to apologize to you. I’ll give those two a year. Maybe two. Then she’ll finally see who she really married.
What he said was NOT “a bit over the top” and shame shame shame on your sister for being so dismissive about what he said.
Be careful around this person. NTA that word is always bubbling just underneath of the surface of his thoughts.
You go to a wedding to celebrate the couple getting married. Why would you want to celebrate your sister marrying such a disgusting person? NTA
A wedding invitation is not a summons. You are never obligated to attend. You are always free to decline an invitation.
The future husband is an asshole, and your sister is too for condoning it. No contact the pricks, and call it a day. After that, how could you attend their wedding?
NTA. But as long as you are aware of the consequences of not going – meaning you’re sister could be so hurt she cuts you from her life (at the extreme) – it’s fine.
NTA and man the red flags on this guy! Goes semi-nuclear over one spilt beer? Is your sister seriously marrying him? What will he do to her? This guy sounds like a walking temper tantrum. She’d be better to leave him before he hurts her.
Absolutely NOT!!!! Don’t go to their raggedy wedding. Don’t allow your sister to bully you and shame on her for not defending you after her fiancé was so rude to you.
If you refuse to attend and people ask and you told them what they did, that makes your sister and her fiancé look like the a-holes they are. Your sister wants you to go because she probably “doesn’t want to look bad.” And
You should go and give a toast that shows how you feel. Like, “well here I am, sister of the bride. You’re marrying….that guy. Cheers.” And then sit down.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
NTA. Not only would I skip the wedding, I’d be going NC with the sister too. She’s marrying a person who sees you as lesser – that means she supports his viewpoints.
Your sister’s delusional..
I would so go NC with both of them. If no one else in your family backs you up then “F” them all. You deserve to be happy and in a safe place, not with idiots. Keeps us updated
NTA
Tell her you will go to her next wedding if the guy isn’t a jerk
NTA. I wouldn’t go, either. And I’m so sorry that your sister is marrying this POS.
NTA. If I were in a similar situation as your sister, I would have flipped the table, sold my engagement ring, and donated it to a cause supporting LGBTQIA+ youth programs.
Fuck that. Has this wedding happened? Tell me the details and I will go and just yell “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
Go to the wedding and do the same thing with his drink and laugh
I wouldn’t go. Your sister is excusing his bigotry. I would write them both off until your sister comes to her senses and apologizes. The husband isn’t worth your time. He’s just trash.
Ighhhhhhh I cannot! Your sister sucks! If I heard or knew that my fiancé called my sibling that we would be done right then and there!!!! I’m sorry
Be open to your sister when she wakes up and realizes she made a mistake. For now go have a fun day and don’t waste your money
Oh, I’d go and give a speech. “Cheers to my sister and her husband Richard who called me a f@g last week. May you never have kids”
Ask your sister if she would feel the same way if she was called a btch because she accidentally knocked something over (apparently the actual b word is censored for some stupid ass reason)
Your decision is valid. The fact that she did not set him straight and have your back immediately speaks volumes. I would never allow my spouse to call my siblings derogatory names. I would also never stay with anyone that thinks that’s ok. Your sister is marrying a bigot and she doesn’t even realize it.
Wtf is wrong with your sister? Who would marry a person who would use that word in the first place? NTA. Your sister is in a heap of trouble.
NTA, Why do you care about your sister’s opinion of this? She obviously has awful taste.
Don’t go. Fuck Richard, and your sister, too. 🏳️🌈
Go to the wedding. Wear a rainbow colored suit and bring the most fabulous Drag Queen you can find as your “plus one”. Then, be as dramatic and overwhelmingly gay as possible.
“I find it pretty unbelievable that you try to guilt me to come watch you marry a homophobic asshole. No, I will not watch my sister choose a hateful partner. Enjoy your wedding”
NTA but your sister and her fiance are! I’m so sorry this happened. Of course don’t go! I hope you can find a friend to do something fun on that day instead.
NTA. As others have said, your sister agrees with him.
Is your sister serious, and not defend you right then and there. She should have had a conversation with him. You are going to be that asshole’s sister in law. He needs to apologize. Totally unacceptable. Protect yourself.
Probably more to this story. But as told, NTA
I completely understand feeling disrespected because you were and you should have spoken up at the time to defend yourself. How would you feel unsafe at the wedding though? NTA for not wanting to go and possibly be disrespected.
nta. didnt even have to read any of it. i value respect a lot and once someone breaches that, they know exactly where they will stand
NTA
He showed his true colors and she showed who her loyalty is to. Just remember you’re not required to make some else’s life easier.
I’m sorry. Seems your sister isn’t much of an ally to you and it makes sense why she would pick someone like that. If my fiancé ever did that to my brother I’d just end the relationship. NTA. UPDATEME.
NTA.
I am sorry you’re losing your sister to this nonsense. I hope she realizes what an ass she’s been and turns things around.
“No, sis, you’re fiance’s the asshole. It’s not about the beer. This is deeper than personal opinions. Don’t pretend you care about family.”
NTA
nta and dont to go a wedding where ur sister is marrying a homophobic
NTA. But you do have to be okay with the consequences of your boundary. If the reaction is that your sister walks away from the relationship, are you okay with that? Can there be more discussion that leads to him apologizing? Coming from someone who set a boundary with family and it ended the relationship for years and it never recovered (no regrets lol). Weigh all this before the wedding because there is no going back.
NTA. It was more than just calling you a slur. It was the intensity of the anger directed at you, plus the lack of an apology from either him or your sister. Your sis made it worse by pretty much blaming you for Richard’s anger. Your personal opinion is that Richard is not a nice person and you’re not interested in celebrating the fact that your sister is marrying jerk.
However, you risk alienating your sister forever – is that a risk you want to take?
Yes. YTA. It’s not about you, stop acting like a child. Support your sister.
NtA. Fuck that loser. And her homophobic fiancé.
So your future brother-in-law called you was slur when you knocked over a beer, and your sister’s response was to call you an asshole? I have to imagine you have better things to do that day. NTA.
NTA
You have more of a sister problem than a BIL problem. He’s homophobic, yet your sister is with him. He called you a slur over literally nothing, and your sister still chooses to stay with him. All this leads me to believe that your sister is homophobic. You are who you associate with.
Being homophobic isn’t a personal opinion, it’s ignorance and hate.
Don’t go to the wedding, and seriously consider cutting her out of your life. Blood isn’t everything, especially when they are toxic.
Your sister is coddling his bigotry. She should be the one canceling her participation in the wedding. I wouldn’t go either. Of course that means accepting that being cut off. But contact isn’t safe in any event.
NTA.
That’s no contact level of disrespect.
NTA – He’s secretly homophobic and chose to call you a slur bc you knocked over a beer glass?? And your sister’s defending him??? Yeah no, I’d still not go. Especially with the way she’s speaking to you, like, does she want everyone to feel the tension between the three of you? that’s all anyone would be talking about.
“I get you’re mad he called you a word related to the fact they used to burn gay people, but you’re equally at fault because you bumped into a glass.”
NTA and your sister sounds like she condones his views, if not outright agrees with them
I feel sorry for any children they may have.
Rage bait by bot.
So an accident or spilled drink is justification for a slur?
NTA
NTA Your sister is though!! SHE is marrying a bigot and I’m positive he’s spewed crap about you to her!! SHE allows it so tell them both to F OFF and go total NC! Anyone blaming you for his filthy slur needs to be cut off totally as well. What a sh!tty sister you have!
Go for your sister. And to keep an eye on her suss husbnad.
If you resort to slurs when you’re angry, you already think them to yourself regularly.
NTA Don’t go. This proves how your sister feels as well if she didn’t call him out on the spot.
The sister’s reaction said all I need to know. She doesn’t deserve your presence, either. NTA.
Nobody has obligations to attend a wedding, not even the bride/groom.
NTA
NTA, your sister just doesn’t want to explain your absence to everyone. Gotta be awkward to have tell all your family and her friends that she married a homophobic butt munch.
I would go to your parents though get in front of the narrative. Don’t let her twist this to her advantage.
Imagine your boyfriend/husband/wife/gf/fiance literally anyone in your life calls your sister a slur, and your response to your sister is “suck it up, come to my wedding and celebrate me” I wouldn’t go unless i got a true apology from BOTH of them. He called you a slur because you accidentally spilled beer, that is crazy. TBH if I was you, he would be absolutely dead to me after that, no apology would ever correct that.
If the spilled beer was the core problem, he would called you a “clumsy idiot”. Your sexual orientation had nothing to do with that.
Nta. And no, you don’t go to a wedding where you don’t support the marriage. I don’t know where people got the idea that you can somehow support the person while not supporting the marriage. You can’t. You can pretend to, but that’s it.
NTA – you have no obligation to go to a haters wedding. Your sister has an obligation not to marry a hateful asshole though. The idea of marrying a man who called my sister such things, or showed any hateful urges towards anyone for their gender, sex, who they love, or any other reason would see him ditched quicker than a used prophylactic.
Unfortunately it probably means your sister knows how he feels and either finds it acceptable or agrees with his views and that for me would be me walking away and not talking to her either until she came to her senses
NTA
He showed you and your sister his true bigoted self, the fact she didn’t call him on it but instead blamed you makes her complicit in the bigotry.
If someone called my similar family member such a name they would be done in my life
Tell her,” I’m sorry, but I can’t be in the same room as a bigoted asshole and his friends. The fact that you agree with him, is another reason to not go. Please stop making your day about me. I really hope that your day is as special as you hoped it would be.”
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Your sister is dreadful for marrying someone homophobic, full stop, but even more so given she has a gay sibling. I definitely wouldn’t go to the wedding either. NTA
go to the wedding and when the officiant asks if anyone objects…. well… you know what to do! 😀
Sad sister and terrible future brother in law, the F word is terrible and he did not apologize is apalling. You have every right to skip their big day, good for him to show his true colors early.
Let’s cut through all the noise and bring it down to the bottom line:
You need to make that call.
NTA. Tell her that you’ll be at the next one. She’ll wise up to this guy sooner or later
Go.
Stand in the back with your arms crossed.
Wait for the wedding to be done
When they turn to come down the aisle, walk out.
Go to the reception.
Smile at her and tell her you love her.
Mad dog him and tell if he says anything, just say, “whatever, you’re the first ex husband “.
No gift.
Your sister sounds be making her fiance splitting to you, and then if he does you should go to the wedding.
NTA and I’m sorry your sister is marrying such a brute. If she doesn’t stick up for you now, I can see this just escalating. What, if anything, do your parents say?
Try and have a private conversation with your sister, let her know you’re disappointed in her for agreeing to marry a homophobic man. Ask her what her plan is if one of her kids ends up being gay or NB or trans?
That should have been a deal breaker for her, unless she is also homophobic? In which case, you should be cutting her off entirely
NTA It’s also her obligation as a sister not to marry someone willing to call her family a slur to their face
Your sister pointed out your ‘obligation’. Her obligation is to have her brother’s back and to not marry an asshole.
No you are NTA. You are, however, a bit short-sighted. If this behavior spills over into how he treats your sister – and it will – she may hesitate to come to you for help getting away from him. I would not run that risk. I would suck it up and go to the wedding for her.
NTA – you likely already knew her fiancé was a bigot, but her choosing to support him – and not even make him apologize and instead blame YOU is very telling.
You learned that your sister is a homophobe who doesn’t support you.
Don’t attend the wedding – and make it clear that you are not going because the fiancé is a bigot and your sister has chosen to support a bigot instead of her family. For all those people who want things smoothed over ‘for family’ … YOU are the family here. The smoothing would have been the fiancé bending over backwards to apologize.
NTA.
Hope they don’t have kids.
nta, tell her she is a effin C word, and then tell her you will see her there, and see how fast personal opinions matter to go to someones wedding.
It’s a beer; it’s not like you dropped their baby on its head.
I’m so sorry that she didn’t stand up for you. If I was her I’d be having a serious conversation about whether or not to go through with the wedding if my partner can’t be respectful of my family.
If my fiancé called my sister a f- I’d be calling off the wedding, not brushing her off and telling her to suck it up. NTA
NTA. Your sister is showing that she doesn’t care about homophobia, but claims to love you I’m sure. I wonder what other bigotry he may have that she has no problems (or maybe even agrees) with
I’d be more upset about the Sister than the fiancé. I can’t see myself marrying someone who would use such a slur against my siblings.
He is absolutely disgusting and this is one of the first posts I’ve read where the sibling isn’t on your side. I’m so sorry you’re NTA for not going your sister doesn’t seem to respect you either if she doesn’t care how her fiancé treats her family
NTA. No one should be expected to buy tolerate hate, especially at an event as important as a wedding. Your sister should be defending you, not Richard.
NTA and she should have torn into him for it.
So your sister’s fiance called you a nasty, disgusting slur, yet she calls you TA??? Where was all this “family” attitude and “support ” when her POS fiancé hurled hate speech at you over a spilled beer. Your sister absolutely sucks!!! You are for sure NTA, your sister is a massive AH that won’t defend her own family from hate speech. What a nasty piece of work she is.
It’s a fuckn slur. Fuck that guy. Go to the wedding because you love your sister, smile and clap when appropriate, eat their food, and treat him like the asshole he is.
So, NTA but there’s a better play here.
Don’t be around someone who uses gay slurs. And f your sister.
What’s he going to say or do when his child spills milk? Or is it just you? Ask your sister!
NTA.
You are a person who deserves respect .
Your future BIl does not respect you and lost his good manners over a spilled beverage.
Tell your sister you love her but you cannot participate in a ceremony with a man who overtly insults your sexuality .
NTA. It’s completely valid to skip a wedding where the groom disrespected you with a hateful slur and never took accountability. Your sister expecting you to overlook that for the sake of appearances is unfair and dismissive of your dignity.
Nta what’s gonna happen if any of their kids turn out to be gay or anything other then straight
It is tough as you don’t like him but you do like your sister. Go as a guest, stay in the back and out of his sight. You are there for your sister, not for him.
He’s lucky you didn’t punch him in his homophobic face. What awful people he & your sister are.
Definitely don’t go. Anyone doesn’t like it? That’s just too damn bad.
“You’ve got to learn to leave the table
When love’s no longer being served.”
Please think about something nice you can do for you that day. Go away with friends? Arrange a small get-together at home or a restaurant? Be where you are loved. ❤️
Updateme
Your sister didn’t have your back. Why should you have hers?
He’s going to be an UH-mazing father! NTA.
NTA
I’m a straight sister of a gay man. If my fiancé did that to my brother there wouldn’t be a wedding to skip.
NOPE. NTA at all, but your homophobic future BIL is, and Sis too for not doing anything and defending his behavior. In your shoes I would have said you wouldn’t want me at your wedding after I buy a rainbow suit and refer to your husband as homophobe any time I speak. “Yeah im here for my sisters wedding to homophobe” “aww look at Mr. and Mrs. Homophobe, smile for the photo!”
NTA
Your sister is a homophobe like her fiance. Or she is such a shallow and vapid person that she simply adopts the opinions of whoever is most important to her at the moment.
Her fiance also has a short temper, and I wish that your sister was paying more attention to the man he was revealing himself to be. Because he isn’t just a homophobe, which is bad enough, but he is abusive. You accidentally spilled his beer, and his reaction was to get unreasonably angry and call you a name that he knew would hurt you the most. Once he has your sister locked down with marriage and possibly a baby, he is going to start treating your sister the same way and worse. But she won’t believe you or anyone else if you try to warn her about it.
I wouldn’t go to the wedding either, but I would be damn sure to tell anyone and everyone who asked me why I wasn’t there for my sister’s big day the truth about what was said to you by BOTH your sister and her fiance. Don’t help them maintain their facade of being good, decent people by making up an excuse that covers up their disgusting and selfish attitudes and actions.
You might want to start telling people now before your sister makes up an excuse for you that doesn’t make her and her fiance look like AHs.
NTA
NTA, fuck that piece of shit and if she wants to defend him and the fucked up thing he said to you then she can go fuck herself too.
NTA How long till your sister starts showing up with bruises or starts cutting off friends because husband says so “or else”. If she can’t see how bad he is now, she’s doomed.
Absolutely not TA. He called you a derogatory term after spilling his drink. That’s not normal.
OP, not only are you NTA, but you deserve a huge fkn apology, and a new sister that will actually care and defend you against bigots. I am sorry this happened to you…but you need to cut both those cancers out of your life.
You are NTAH!!
But your sister and her homophobic POS fiance is!!!! By not defending you, sis probably feels the same way.
Were it me, I’d never have anything to to with them ever!!
NTA. And sorry sis. It’s no one’s obligation to put up with your awful soon to be husband. I would cut off the sister too. She obviously thinks it’s ok to insult
You and think poorly of
You. Someone called my family a slur and the wedding would be off.
>…should have been more careful around his beer
Your sister is prioritizing a glass of beer over you. She is fine with others calling you slurs. She is fine with her husband-to-be throwing a temper tantrum over spilt beer and doesn’t seem to think he should be held accountable for his words/actions.
This is his behavior now, before the knot is tied; it’s only going to get worse and your sister has demonstrated that she won’t be standing up for you, which is her “obligation as a sister.”
Sis, you’re not obligated to spend your time in an environment that you know you will feel unsafe in. Just because she is your sister, it doesn’t mean you have to be at her beck and call. The fact she didn’t defend you and called his aggressively over reaction just a little over the top means she either agrees with him but never felt comfortable about saying it because you are family and your parents would probably read her the riot act if she said anything disparaging about/to you, but now she has someone in her corner that thinks like she does.
Also your sexual preference being called a personal opinion shows how grossly misinformed your sister is.
NTA. If my husband had ever even thought a derogatory word about my sibling he would not be my husband. Period.
NTA… what your sister’s fiancee said is NEVER ok in any situation. Your sister not having your back makes her an asshole though. If I were in your shoes, I’d skip as well.
He might be an ass, but that is your sister, and this is an important day for her. Maybe not participating in anything where you have to interact with the jerk, but if you totally bail on the wedding, you are the ass, and that includes any duties you had previously agreed to. Grow up, there will always be jerks to deal with.
NTA – the sister is an even bigger asshole than the fiance because she is his sister and not only doesn’t have OP’s back, she is rugsweeping and shaming him for taking a stand.
Accidents happen, but this doesn’t sound like a situation that calls for him to be insulting to his future SIL.
Yet, he does, and your sister doesn’t back you up.
Sounds like this could have been resolved with a simple apology.
My gut tells me that your sister needs to open her eyes, because you will be around longer than he.
Go to the wedding. And Object to it 🤣 there goes all their money lmaooo NTA I’d tell your sister if he gets that violently angry over hus beer getting knocked over then what happens when she does it, or other things to piss him off, seems like there’s red flags and abuse markers popping up
NTA but he sure is and equally your sister is too. If I was your sister, the moment I heard him say that to you I would have bitched his ass out and left with you. There’d be no issue with you not coming to my wedding because there would be no wedding.
NTA. Avoid AH sister and her AH soon to be husband at all costs!