My fiancé (29M) and I (28F) were planning to get married in October. His mom is very… involved. From the start she’s had opinions about everything, but I’ve tried to be polite.
But then she dropped the biggest bomb: she wants to wear her old wedding dress to our wedding. Not as a “something old” symbolic thing. As a full-on guest outfit.
And here’s the kicker: it’s a white, lace-covered, floor-length gown. Her own wedding dress. She says it’s “tradition” in their family for the mother of the groom to wear white to “bless the marriage.” I’ve never heard of this tradition, neither has my fiancé, and I politely told her no.
She threw a tantrum, said I was “erasing her culture” (we’re the same ethnicity), and that I was trying to “steal her son.”
My fiancé thinks I should just let her wear it to “keep the peace.” I told him if he can’t set a basic boundary with his mom now, I’m not walking into a lifetime of this. So I canceled everything.
Now he’s begging me to reconsider and saying I’m overreacting.
AITAH for calling off the wedding over a dress?
Comments
He can marry her.
Nta nope!!
NTA. He’s throwing the momma’s boy red flag. Next it will be tradition for her to go on the honeymoon.
You gave him the exact answer – stand up to his mom NOW, or you’re out. Because she will push everything
NTA, she wears her wedding dress to your wedding, she will move in with you, name your kids….you are saving yourself future problems by calling off your wedding
NTA. This isn’t just about a dress, it’s about your fiancé not having your back. If he can’t set boundaries with his mom now, it makes sense to step back before committing to more of that long-term.
Dear Lordy. I think you dodged a possible ridiculous mother-in-law with that one. NTA.
Bullet dodged. Lot of mamma’s boy energy there. Mamma’s boys get worse over time. Walk away and don’t look back. Tell him you won’t reconsider unless he commits to therapy.
NTA. While you’re at it call off the relationship you will never be more important than his mummy that’s just how mummy’s boys are.
NTA
That’s freaky. The guy did nothing to stop it so marriage to him would mean constant weird boundary crossing nonsense that you would have to stop by yourself.
It’s about time someone on this subreddit put their foot down BEFORE the marriage!
I will never understand the moms that want to look like they are trying to marry their sons…. It’s freaking disturbing how many there are
NTA. You aren’t overreacting. Your fiance needs to sort his mother out and understand that you will not be rolling over to his mothers demands, now or in the future, to “keep the peace.”
One of the very few intelligent responses I have seen a woman have to her man showing himself to be a mommy’s boy.
NTA, and if his mom wants to wear a wedding dress so bad, she can renew her own damn vows, right😉
Tell her to show you her wedding pictures of her mil in a wedding dress at her wedding.
Tradition? Ask her to share with you the pictures from her own wedding that show her husband‘s mother in a white wedding dress.
Run girl run
Oh my god, you have a mommas boy on your hands. Decide whether to get involved.
If you do go through with the marriage, ask all guests to wear their wedding dresses, so she gets drowned out in the nonsense.
Dodged a bullet, sis. NTA
NTA. You didn’t call it off over a dress. You called it off because your fiance is a mama’s boy who doesn’t respect you and won’t stand up for you. Good on you, you’re worth more.
NTA, Grats on dodging the hugest bullet. That’s practically a ballistic missile.
This is AI.
It always uses “and here’s the kicker.”
NTA
I’m so fricking proud of you!!!! Good job!!!!
Run, run, faster, faster!!
Ask him what boundaries he is going to set and what the consequences of breaking them will be.
He needs to cut the umbilical cord if he wants to marry you, as you’re not marrying him and his mother!
I found nothing online that has any culture that has a mother in law to be wearing this unless it’s Oedipus Rex. Your MIL to be is making this up.
His mother is overbearing and insulting, and Fiance stood by and did not address it. You are wise to rethink this, because you are looking at what life will be like for you if you marry him.
I am reading four or five of these “to keep the peace”, per day…
NTA. He set the precedent. It would never end. In a couple years you’d be writing reddit that MIL wants to breastfeed the baby (it’s “tradition”) and hubby sayss “well, it’ll make her happy…..”
Change the dress code. Everyone should wear wedding dresses to your wedding.
NTA
What culture is this?
Tell finace if he let’s her wear a wedding dress then he an go marry his mommy because you are done.
NTA. You did EXACTLY the right thing, and protected yourself from a life of misery and heartache.
Great job and response!! Do not marry this mommas boy. It will be a lifetime of this as he will never stand up to her.
NTA but just out of curiosity, what culture is she claiming this is normal in?
Unless it’s tailored differently and dyed another colour, absolutely not.
Not buying into a family tradition (and a stupid one at that) is not erasing her culture. It’s making a choice for your own wedding.
Good for you for standing up to his mother and to your fiance. The fact that he not only can’t see how ridiculous this is, and more importantly, that he is caving in to his mother, is a huge red flag. It’s not about the dress. It’s about yet another spineless man who needs to please his mother first.
If he does come through, I make it very clear that if she shows up in her wedding dress, she will be asked to leave. I would also take this as a warning that going forward she will continually be trying to cross the lines. Better to set firm boundaries now.
NTA
Is his mom…okay? Like mentally? Because to me this is really concerning.
NTA. You’re a smart woman.
OP did not call off the wedding because of a dress. The issue is an over zealous borderline toxic mother/son relationship. Good for the OP seeing the real issue. Maybe try some couples’ counseling before reuniting and marrying.
NTA. good job! He and his mother are ridiculous.
What is up with all these guys being mommas boys and can’t tell their mom no
He’s the one who should reconsider his position here. He should tell his mother to back off to “keep the peace.”
NTA- and I need to have a spine like yours!
NTA. Tell your fiance that they are marrying you. Not your mom. Does he normally pick her side? If yes, run. If no, you can possibly still salvage this.
Demand to see PROOF that this is tradition. Pictures from MULTIPLE weddings.
Ask him flat out what else he will expect to “keep the peace”.
So many “in law” Problems that stem from bad partners on this app lol.
Has anyone else noticed that an ellipsis followed by a space is the new em dash?
NTA. This is just a start of a lifetime of bullying and manipulation managing with a spineless partner.
Run.
‘Keep the peace’ – whose peace? Definitely would be the (ex)fiancé’s and his mom’s since she gets her way.
How many times in the future would you have to back down to MIL because she insists on her way and throws a bigger tantrum? And if you were to have children, would he also cave to the kids if they throw tantrums too? When do you get your peace?
NTA
NTA. Smart girl.
NTA. So when does your fiancee retain his balls from his mom’s purse? Seriously when does he reattch them?
Dump the mama’s boy find an actual man that cares more about you the person he wants to grow old with.
make him stand up to his psycho mom or it will be a lifetime of her being a bully bravo good move
I want to see a picture of her MIL in her wedding dress at her wedding.
NTA. You are 100% correct. If HE can’t establish a boundary with his mom now, when will he?
NTA, but if she has been super involved from the beginning, you could have done damage control. For me, I wanted to elope because I knew my fiancés mom would ruin the wedding planning process for us. He wanted a wedding, so when my FMIL was inevitably intolerable, my fiance and I did couples counseling so we (he) could learn how to set appropriate boundaries and say no. I even discussed boundaries I want to establish once we’re ready to have a family, so everything is transparent and open before the wedding.
If your fiance is willing to set boundaries, get married. If he’s not, run far far away.
I’d also ask for photographic proof of her claims. Oh, it’s a tradition that the mother of the groom wears white to the wedding? Show me your wedding picture with your MIL wearing white. Show me your mom’s wedding picture that shows her MIL wearing white. If you can’t take it back at least 3 generations, then it’s not a tradition.
And even if it is a tradition, so what?? It is your family’s tradition that nobody but the bride wears white. Why is her tradition more important than your family’s tradition?
NTA good on you
Omg! Good for you understanding this situation has long term implications. You may have just prevented yourself a husband problem. Just because she’s his mom doesn’t mean was-fiancée should tell you to roll over and let her have her way. That’s so not ok.
WTF? It is tradition to NOT wear white to the wedding unless you are the bride. That trumps any made up traditions that MIL is trying to concoct. I thought it was bad enough that somebody trying to wear white to the wedding. But MIL is attempting to wear an actual wedding dress. Op did the right thing cancelling everything. Not necessarily because MIL is crazy. But because the groom failed and said let it go. What the heck is he? A total momma’s boy?
You’re right in setting firm boundaries with her and your fiance. Don’t back down.
NTA … Brilliant move. You don’t need a lifetime of this MIL unless her son learns to say HELL NO MOM.
NTA. This will be your life if you marry him. She will not stop. Ever.
What silly cow bag….not worthy of being a MIL.
NTA but his mother got his mama’s boy back, exactly where she wanted him.
It’s best to break up because this will get so much worse down the road. He will never stick up for you and you will be the third wheel in your own marriage. Just walk away. Don’t be swayed be I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, she didn’t mean it, it’s how she is, let it slide, let’s keep the peace etc etc. don’t be suckered back in.
“Stealing her son”? Wants to wear her old wedding dress to your ceremony? Run, don’t walk. Your fiance wants you to bow down and keep the peace and allow this. Can you imagine the marriage, family visits, and adding kids into this sick equation? Run, don’t walk. He is as cooked in the head as his momma is.
Just elope. Say it’s your family’s tradition to get married. It’s about the marriage, not the wedding day. So don’t let her hijack it, just don’t have it.
The “steal her son” line is the telling one. Forget everything else, that’s her driving force and what will influence every meddling choice she makes throughout your marriage. Either your fiance puts hit foot down right now and stands up to her or it’s a lifetime of interference. If he won’t do it, you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with a man who lets his mom steamroll her choices all over your life.
And not a single culture has the mother of the groom wear a damn wedding dress to a wedding. F her.
Let’s see… unbelievable story; insane MIL figure; wimpy fiancé, and no responses to anyone from the OP. Just want to say I’m impressed the AI didn’t include phones “blowing up” and various unnamed family members siding with the bride or the MIL, this time. (How many times will we read similar or identical stories?! And what exactly is the point of having AIs “craft” all these Reddit lies? Frickin’ exhausting.)
Tell her you want to see her wedding photos. If his grandma is still around ask her about “this tradition”.
Do not back down on this. This lady is trying to show her dominance over you and her son and he is letting her. Let that sink in. This is only the first step.
AI post
I call BS on this story. No one is so self absorbed that they want to get their old wedding dress out of storage, have it altered and feel like crap seeing how much your body has changed since your marriage and then take it to be cleaned. Personally I would let someone wear their wedding dress to my wedding because it would make them look like a complete jackass. Everyone would laugh at them. Ladies like me would walk right up and make a snarky comment. I would find the whole situation hilarious!!
Good grief wtf? I have a son and I love him with all my heart and soul. I probably would not have picked her for a wife but he chose her….we as parents have to accept the outcome. So happy they eloped so we didn’t have wedding drama.
Hell no and I would ask to sit down and discuss the wedding just the two of you. I mean she sounds totally ignorant. I would say that traditional weddings have one bride and one groom and one wedding gown on the one bride and you don’t want to hurt her feelings but frankly her wearing her wedding gown is very bizarre and will not be allowed. What does your own Mom think? I’m curious.
I have read this before
Nope. NTA. You dodged a proverbial bullet. If your partner is trying to get you to acquiesce at this point, imagine what would’ve happened AFTER the nuptials?
NTA. But I’d just say yes for the sake of shutting her up and then just tell your bridesmaids that there is a cash reward to whomever can damage her dress the most
I def wouldn’t have canceled before asking her for family wedding photos that clearly show a MOB in a white lace dress next to a bride. NTA, obviously.
If he’s never heard of it, and you with the same culture have never heard of it, it’s not an absolute tradition it’s an opinion which maybe a couple family members have chosen in the past.
It’s important to you, it’s important to her and you both told him that. He’s decided whose feelings matter more and isn’t yours. He’s not willing to support boundaries you feel are important against his mother’s wishes. Unless you are willing to have every aspect of your life to be governed by her wishes, don’t go through with it.
If he changes his mind make sure that he’s the one to tell her, and that he doesn’t try to weasel out by saying “she’s making me” but instead says “it’s important to her and what’s important to me matters more than anything else” (or something similar) or else 1) she’ll resent you forever…and she may anyway 2) it’s not really him taking a stand it’s him explaining your stand to her…and next time she’ll expect him to give way to her as usual.
You did the right thing walking away. Set boundaries now or forever suffer under her opinions. You cannot let her control your life snd your husband telling you to basically suck it up. Hell NO
Just let her do it to “keep the peace”:
Just let her wear the dress
Just let her help decorate the house
Just let her come to the sonogram appointment
Just let her pick the baby’s name
Just let her give him cookies before dinner
Just let her see our bank account
Just let her have every holiday
Just let her talk to the realtor
Just let her come for a 1 month visit
Just let her move in now that dad’s gone
You know, just to “keep the peace”.
She wants to wear her wedding gown then she needs to throw her and her husband’s own vow renewal party and she can wear it then.
Next time pick a man with balls
Nta. If you take him back (after he says ALL the right things), elope!
NTA. I’m proud of you stranger ✌️
NTA. You didn’t call off the wedding because of a dress. You called off the wedding because your fiancé showed you that he’ll throw you right under the bus just so mommy gets her way. So, obvs, if he doesn’t have your back on something like this, then you can be sure he’ll fold himself in half to keep her happy when it comes to holidays, children, home buying and the like.
You need to learn that “keep the peace” is code-speak for “let the bully have their way or they’ll make our lives miserable”.
Where do these mothers come from? Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I was dancing down the aisle when my boys got married. I didn’t have to take care of them anymore. I gleefully handed them over to my daughter in laws, who I love dearly. We have healthy relationships, and I see them most weekends. These crazy a.. mom’s just need to get over themselves.