I’m not entirely sure where to start. Everything feels like it’s happening fast and slow all at once. But here we go.
Back in January (so 6 months ago), I (32F) found out that my ex (33M), Nert (fake name), Melanoma and it was caught fairly late – he’s in stage 4. His sister and I have stayed close, and she’s the one that told me. Since then, I started reaching out to Nert – texts, calls, and eventually visits. He seemed really disheartened when I first saw him again, but after spending time with him, he’s perked up a little – even the doctors say that he’s shown some level of improvement.
For some context, Nert and I were together for 5 years. We split up because he wanted to be an author and move to NY. I was nervous about money and wanted him to have something more stable so I wouldn’t be the main source of income in our future. It ended well – we just wanted different things. He did move to NY shortly after, and then I moved to NY a couple years ago – just coincidence.
My boyfriend (34M), let’s call him Durble, was supportive at first with me visiting. But because of Nert’s improvement, I’ve been visiting more and more. What was first once or twice a week has turned into nearly everyday trips, and I’m there for significant amounts of time. Basically, I wake up, go to work, visit Nert, go home and sleep.
A couple months ago, Durble told me that he’s tired of not seeing me. He said he was ‘tired of sharing me with someone else’. He was pretty angry when he said it – and we were both tired because it was around midnight. It turned into an argument where he was accusing me of cheating, and I kept telling him that it wasn’t like that, I was trying to comfort a friend before they die.
Since then, we’ve talked, but it’s like walking on eggshellls. I don’t know what’s going to set him off. I didn’t change my routine – mostly because I wanted an apology with how he spoke to me so we could have an actual conversation.
Soon after, I got more frequent texts from Durble about him working late, or hanging out with some friends after work. I assumed he just wanted time to cool off, but this morning, while he was in the shower, he got a text and I picked up his phone so I could tell him who it was – sometimes we respond for each other. It was from a woman he worked with. I opened the phone to see what she said (thinking it would be something work-related – it wasn’t). It was a NUDE picture of her and a text that said: ‘Same time tonight?’
I freaked out and scrolled up, finding more – some of Durble too. It had been going on for weeks!
When I confronted Durble about it, he didn’t deny anything. He said this was getting even with me. A: I didn’t cheat, and B: even if I had, getting even isn’t the right move, right?
But I dunno. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and, while I am still angry and hurt, I can see that he might feel like I abandoned him. I feel bad for that, but now, I don’t know if I can stay with him knowing what he did. We’ve been together for 7 years, and moved here together for his job – we moved from Utah to New York. I know he’s not in the right, but I don’t know if I’m in the same boat.
AITAH for driving my boyfriend to cheating?
Comments
ESH. You are caring for Nert as though he is still your partner. Seeing him frequently isn’t the issue, but every single day is wild.
Durble took that and ran with it. He full on cheated, which is also wild.
YTA You did cheat. You were cheating emotionally. Durble should have left you rather than get revenge but you brought it on yourself.
I mean he’s wrong for cheating but you are literally a red flag prioritizing an ex over your current relationship. When your boyfriend brought up he was feeling neglected, you didn’t care.
ESH
You are both assholes. In a different way.
First you:
You are not caring for a friend, you’re caring for your ex. You broke up, you moved on. Don’t go back to your ex.
Spending time daily with your ex is a huge red flag. You might not be intimate, but it raises eyebrows.
Second your partner:
He’s a goddamn cheater. He should fuck off.
He was just looking for an excuse to fuck this woman and he found one. It would have happened either way.
Yes your an AH
why would you Ex dying have anything to do with you…
Its not empathy, Its nothing other then you still have feelings for him.
Your boyfriend should just leave. Awful person
Is he actually dying? You said he’s improved. Why are you seeing him more if he’s improved?
YTA. Your bf should not have cheated or played games. You didn’t make him cheat. He chose to do that. But it sounds like you left the relationship 6 months ago. I would consider your behavior infidelity.
you deserve everything that comes to you. You broke that man. You threw out your relationship to visit your ex every fucking day when in a relationship, not giving any attention to your partner. He deserves way better, I hope he finds someone better
ESH. You abandoned your partner for your ex. Own it. He cheated on you. I suppose I give him a modicum of respect for owning it. You should probably just split up. You can officially go back to your ex (where you’ve been anyway) and he can pursue things with the AP.
I would have dumped you for going to your ex and putting him over me. He should have dumped you first. He still should.
ESH, you can’t make/push a person to cheat that’s a sole decision and it’s on durble for doing so. But your daily visits to Nert didn’t help despite durble telling you that he’s tired of never seeing you.
There seemed to be a lack of communication & understanding on you side as well as a lack of understanding on his side, durble communicated his feelings about never seeing you anymore and neither of you seemed to understand where the other person was coming from which led to accusations and arguments. The relationship between you both is frankly over due to the lack of trust cheating causes
You’re angry and hurt??? How do you think he felt?
I mean no one should cheat. However you were severely neglecting your relationship for someone who you broke up with. I feel like the reason you didn’t break up with your boyfriend was because your ex is going to pass and you don’t want to be alone. You didn’t make him cheat but you are still an AH
ESH. Your bf cheated. Show him the door. No one makes anyone do anything.
You: You’re emotionally cheating. There is no need to see your ex every single day for hours. He’s not your partner anymore. You can be a friend and go visit him, but what you’re doing is excessive.
ESH
You AND Durble both suck.
On one hand you begun taking daily visits to your ex. It doesnt matter how things are from your perspective, your ACTUAL partner will obviously see that as cheating. Which in a way, it is emotional cheating. You were treating ypur ex like your partner, and your partner like a wannabe ex.
On the other hand, your partner took what he saw as you lying and cheating, and thought “well if she’s going to, so am I,” and got his needs from someone else.
You’re both shitty, sorry to hear about your dying ex, but you really need couples therapy right now because from Durble’s perspective, youve near abandoned him
What you did was inappropriate and hurtful for sure! That being said, you didn’t “make him cheat.” That’s crazy!
Do you even want to be in a relationship with this guy? Spending all your spare time with your dying ex suggests not, and he’s a loser who gets revenge when he’s been wronged.
YTA
You are visiting your ex daily which is ridiculous. Guys who are worth a damn and have self-respect won’t tolerate ANY contact with exes, maybe Durble was being nice by making an exception for the cancer. If I were Durble, I would have also assumed that you were cheating. He warned you a couple months ago to stop and you just kept seeing your ex every fucking day, so he was more than justified in cheating as far as I’m concerned.
Yea you disregarded his feelings and disrespected your relationship for a guy that was ..
I mean he is to for doing what he did but your lack of presence pushed him under her for sure
Tell Nert about Dr Stephen Rosenberg at the National Cancer institute who has successfully put Stage 4 Melanoma into remission with immunotherapy.
https://ccr.cancer.gov/staff-directory/steven-a-rosenberg
ESH. The little to no respect you’ve shown your partner since you decided it was your responsibility to “perk” your ex up, every single day for many hours, led to this but your current partner, soon to be ex as well, doesn’t have much integrity either.
Hopefully you two will work it out and stay away from others.
Btw there are multiple forms of cheating, he cheated physically for a few weeks and you’ve been cheating emotionally for months. Don’t count yourself an angel because your ex has cancer, that’s not an excuse for your behavior.
Not going to sit here and side with your boyfriend because, well.. he cheated. That’s not cool. He did explain his feelings towards the topic but you decided to continue to go see your ex everyday. You pushed him away. Y’all are both fucked up lol
ESH. You had an emotional affair, he had a physical affair. Break up, learn from your mistakes, don’t internalize his petty revenge as anything but what it is, and move on.
Reddit is a terrible place for romantic advice, but that probably includes mine. 😳
Tough call but YTA. You created the mess. How could you justify seeing your ex every day and ignoring your BF. Yes he should have just quit you first but I don’t blame him for finding something to do while you spent every evening at your exes.
So you both are cheating. You are cheating emotionally and he’s doing it physically. Both AH. But you started it
ESH. He conveyed to you his discomfort about visiting your ex everyday. Visiting your ex everyday is excessive. You disregarded his feelings.
Him, if he was so happy, he should have just broke up with you. There is no justification for cheating.
Both are at wrong but your started first. Caring for friend is right thing to do but seeing him everyday, even Saint can get jealous. So you are right that you are the root cause of the whole issue for not understanding what is the right boundary of a Partner. Your BF is not right either but I can feel his frustration and his action.
ESH – You’ve both cheated. Emotional cheating is still cheating
YTA. Should he have cheated? No. But you have checked out of your relationship with him and brought this on yourself.
Another bullshit story.
He wanted to cheat…and you didn’t cause that. But the truth is you got what you really wanted …which is Nert. You prioritized your relationship with Nert over Durble, and unfortunately you also was with a dude that was childish and immature and showed you how he “respects” your relationship. Your boyfriend did you a favor by revealing who he is, but you also need to ask yourself why was being with Nert so important when you aren’t close…you and the sister are. How have you supported her? Is she Nerts caregiver and you are relieving her of those duties?
ESH for how you both handled the problem in the relationship but NTA for causing him to cheat, nothing condones cheating but he would have been right to break up since it was months of you neglecting your relationship and when you had a chance to correct you didn’t because you were being petty and wanted him to apologize.
He would have been right to break up but using it as an excuse to cheat is him being a coward.
Pretty much. Both of you, especially you, don’t know proper boundaries and where to meet in the middle. Sure, a dying friend IS an understandable concern and sometimes may be a sudden priority but neglecting your BOYFRIEND for MONTHS for an ex is insanity. A few visits would have been fine, but months on a daily basis????? Both of you don’t deserve each other and should consider seeking professional help.
ESH. I would be so so hurt if my husband chose to see his ex every single day, but I would just have left him if he did this. Your boyfriend was in the wrong and an AH to cheat, which was not your fault, it was his own choice to do that. You are an AH for choosing to continue to visit your ex after your boyfriend told you he felt uncomfortable with it.
You’re both assholes.
So, you HAVE been emotionally cheating and prioritizing a former love (whom you broke up with due to circumstances, not faded feelings) over the integrity of your current relationship. While you might have avoided the technicality of cheating since you haven’t had sex with your ex, I think you would be very hard pressed to find any friend or acquaintance who wouldn’t believe something has been going on and judging the bejeezus out of your relationship and side-eying Durble and this whole weird situation as a result.
That conversation with Durble was him telling you how much damage you have been doing and how much you have been hurting him.
You doing jack shit because you disliked how he delivered that message and making the conscientious choice of continuing with behavior he has flat out told you is hurting him was when your relationship died.
You using the totally weak-ass excuse of punishing him until he apologized for his tone before talking or changing was also extremely not-good. One, adults should not punish other adults. Bad things happen, as you see both from your attempt to punish him backfiring, and his attempt to punish you hurting so much. Two, you knew you were in the wrong yet didn’t want to stop, so blaming him not telling you ‘good enough’ was just you dumping fault back on him because you wanted any reason to continue on without introspection and to avoid the needed, but messy, work of fixing things.
Durble took your failure to change or even talk about things as you no longer caring about him, which anyone would. So his feelings for you ended.
All that was left was a desire to hurt you back.
Now, should Durble have dumped your ass and walked away instead of cheating? Yes. Absolutely. Breaking up and not cheating is always the better choice. But 7 years and an expensive, shared apartment in NY makes things messy, and both of you sound on the childish side (which is probably why you suited each other) so I understand his impulse to get his own jab in before his exit.
Take this as a lesson that people do not go on pause when the rest of life becomes inconvenient, and still require attending. Avoiding things never ends up well, and keeping your long term prioritize straight is vital.
The most mature actions you can take right now are breaking up and truly reflecting and owning your part in this as you examine why you became so overly involved with your ex (seriously, people with devoted, dying moms don’t spend as much deathbed time as you have for an ex from 7+ years ago) and how to avoid this happening again with the next serious relationship.
Esa. Cheating is never okay. And it really does sound like you never spent any time with him. He did bring it up. It’s not okay but you abandoned him first.
You made it clear you were still hung up on your ex and prioritized him. He understood your feelings, and instead of breaking up with you, he went nuclear. He is the A for cheating but yes, you are the one ending this relationship.
The question isn’t whose the AH, it’s what do you want moving forward. Are you willing to focus on Durble and see if you can salvage the relationship? It is not guaranteed, or do you want to fulfill whatever obligation you feel owed to Nert?
In all likelihood, you will lose both. You will lose Nert to death or recovery, and Durble is already out the door.
NTA. You’re in a relationship with your ex. Your man is free to do what he wants. Ideally he should have broken up with you, but you cheated first so have no right to complain.
UR A RED FLAG
You didn’t make him cheat; that’s his own character flaw and he’s shown you he can’t be trusted. End the relationship immediately and be sure to get tested for STIs.
Your ex seems to be your priority right now, so spend the time you need to with him and don’t get into another relationship until you’ve resolved your relationship with your ex.
Best wishes ~
ESH, you had an emotional affair, your bf had a physical one.
YTA, lol u abandoned ur Partner for ur Ex, cheating aint right but u checked Out of this relationship and atleast he owned it Up
what does ESH mean?
You’re both shit people. You’re stupid as all hell if you didn’t get that ignoring your boyfriend for anyone, especially your ex, would lead to a pissed off partner. You did cheat, emotionally.
He’s an asshole for not just dumping your uncaring ass before finding someone who actually cares about him.
ESH.
I feel like your actions also caused some issues, but his took it to what should be a point of no return.
With the way your boyfriend responded, with no remorse or shame or not even seeming to feel a little bad, do you think this is a relationship you want to continue? If you stay, once he’s realized he was caught and didn’t have to apologize or make it up to you, and actually got away with blaming you for it, why would he stop doing it? It’s like there’s nothing left to build trust on.
You both cheated. You emotionally checked out of the relationship.
His retaliation wasn’t any better
Who actually thinks seeing their ex every day is in any way acceptable!
ESH. You cheated first. There was absolutely no reason to see your ex daily. You aren’t chemotherapy.
You should go live with your ex. You made it clear. Where your head is at. Your whole story says it all. Why do you think the brother wandered? He heard what your actions were saying. He wants a dedicated woman not some other mans after work nurse. Go play house with your ex and let my man go you don’t want him. Oh by the way.. You checking his phone.. Highly sus to the max.We all pretty well know what that means. Good luck to you, and your ex I do wish him the best of health.
Yes you were cheating. YTA
As someone that has watched loved ones go through cancer, friends and family, I think you’re pretty good here. Seeing lots of comments from people that simply don’t know wtf they are talking about.
Your BF is not someone I’d choose to remain with. He is selfish and vindictive. Your boyfriend isn’t dying, your friend is. And he thinks that that is a good reason to cheat.
YTA and your bf’s actions aren’t great but are fully justified, I am not gonna even call him an AH, just a jerk for not clearly leaving you a long time ago. Your behavior is insane, but your bf staying with you for so long is insane. I guess he cares more about you and you cares more about your ex. I can’t believe you’re even asking this question, because you’re actually a SFAH
ESH.
ESH
You can’t make anyone cheat and he absolutely should not have done that but come on girl, even just from what you yourself wrote here I don’t believe that you’re not at least emotionally cheating on your boyfriend and have been for half a year.
Your boyfriend told you a couple of months ago that he’s uncomfortable with how much time you’re spending with your ex and how he never sees you anymore and you fought with him about it then continued to do the exact same thing and actually thought he should apologize to you…wtf?
This relationship was over a long time ago and you’re both being AH’s to each other now, but for the record you were TA first.
Not only are you an AH, you’re a self righteous AH that has no ability to self reflect. All you seem to care about is assigning blame when you shoukd be looking in the mirror.
I’m having trouble buying this story, but assuming it’s true, you both suck. You’re an asshole for focusing so heavily on your ex and thinking you get to keep your BF who you’re completely neglecting. And he’s an asshole for not dumping you first before getting with someone else. ESH
Wrong to see your ex even if they’re dying that much. But if he had an issue all he had to do was break up not cheat. The whole getting even thing is gross and exactly my exes mind set lmao toxic as fuck
ESH. Sounds like your bf sat you down and told you there was a boundary. And your response was to cross it even more. I don’t know that I really buy your relationship with Nert didn’t return to physical. But even if it didn’t, you emotionally cheated on your man with Nert 1000%.
That said, all cheating is wrong. Your guy should have walked over choosing to cheat. So ESH.
YTA/ESH. If your ex is your priority now you should have just broken up with your current boyfriend. You let him feel neglected for several months and didn’t care when he communicated that with you. It doesn’t sound like you have completely moved on from your ex. Granted your boyfriend should have broken up with you before cheating. But you both cheated in different ways. And I think you’re the bigger AH for ignoring your partner to see your ex for hours every single day.
You cheated emotionally, he cheated physically, both if you are cheaters. ESH
Everyone has said what’s needed to be said… unrelated but, I applaud your false names Nert and Durble.. waiting for a movie
EHS
Show him the door
YTA and he’s TA. you are emotionally cheating. you said yourself: “Basically, I wake up, go to work, visit Nert, go home and sleep.” where is time with your partner? i see time with Nert, but none at all with Durble and he’s supposed to be okay with an emotional affair bc the guy will die? wtf!
Two wrongs don’t make a right. cheating on you for cheating on him was not the move. you guys need to break up as clearly neither of you are invested in this relationship and now it is toxic
ESH. He should have dumped you instead of pulling this childish bs, but its clear that you were emotionally cheating. There was no need to visit for hours everyday
ESH, you pushed him away and I could see why he thought you might be cheating. Why would you think he would be okay with you meeting your ex everyday while ignoring him. He should not have cheated he should have just broken up with you.
No! You didn’t drive him to cheat. That’s a huge red flag!!!! Yes you may have been spending too much time with the sick ex but that’s not an excuse for your bf to cheat it’s a reason to sit down and talk. You are both at fault here but the fact that he’s blaming you for his cheating is a really bad sign…….
It honestly doesn’t seem to bother u as much as it would usually bother someone but once something like that starts it’s hard to end especially because they work together making it best that u let the woman know u’r aware and ask her what she plans on because I’m thinking darble has told her he’s over u.
Not an a. Still you “no showed” in your relationship with Durble. Actions have consequences.
These are some odd made up names. I am having a difficult time getting past ‘Nert’ and ‘Durble’ to focus on the issue.
ESH – You didn’t push him to cheat, but you did walk all over his boundaries, give a flying f about his feelings and kept going.
Obviously cheating is a no go.
This relationship is over. Just move on.
I don’t think you’re the cause of your bf cheating..but it’s a bit excessive to see your ex on a daily basis.
You can’t make someone do something like cheat if they don’t want. He’s an ass for full blown cheating and saying it’s revenge. Honestly he should have just left you after you dismissed how he was feeling about you constantly going to see your ex. I can understand and sympathize wanting to be there as a FRIEND every once and while but you were acting how someone would in a relationship. Not sure how honest you are about your feelings for Nert in this post but sounds like this was emotional cheating on your part. You both kinda of suck in this situation.
He’s in the wrong obviously but you were emotionally cheating in my eyes. Seeing him for hours everyday is ridiculous. He’s not your dying parent, he’s an ex boyfriend. He has family. You stick your partner on a back burner and second placed him to an ex bf. Personally I would have left you too even after 7 hrs together.
Your BF is definitely an AH, and if you have been together 7 years this is likely not the first time he has cheated. There is NO excuse for infidelity regardless of your actions. Based on the fact that you say it’s been going on for a while, it certainly didn’t take long for him to justify the actions.
You aren’t scott free here though. Spending all your free time with someone other than your SO, that is not the way to approach a relationship. You have been inconsiderate of the person you say you care about most. You are not responsible for the emotional well being of someone you are no longer in a relationship with. Being friendly and caring in a time of crisis is fine, but not when you voluntarily neglect those right in from of you.
I hope you see the best path forward here, but it is most certainly not with the person who cheated on you in such a petty selfish way.
I’m stuck between ESH and YTA.
I think I’m leaning a little more towards YTA because even now you seem to downplay and minimize what you did. You’re still acting like what you did wasn’t a death shot to your relationship, when it absolutely was.
In his defense he came to you saying he had a problem with it because he never sees you, and you ignored him and stuck to the schedule and waited foe an apology you didnt deserve. You prioritized your ex over him and disregarded his feelings. Yes he sucks too for cheating, he should have ended it with you first if he was going to do that, but you are in no way an innocent victim in this. ESH
You both damaged your relationship with each other. No coming back from it now. Time to split up and start over with someone new.
You essentially abandoned your boyfriend for your Ex for 6 months straight. So the relationship was already over for your boyfriend. Of course he’s looking for love somewhere else. I don’t blame your boyfriend one bit. You devoted yourself to another man who is now “improving.” Your boyfriend decided that the relationship had run its course. And rightfully so.
You are emotionally blind and a shitty girlfriend.
ESH. Durble, because cheating is just wrong. You because you were clearly neglecting your relationship with him, and my guess is emotionally cheating to some extent, and justifying it all by calling it helping a sick friend. Nert is not an AH however.
Break up with Durble for the cheating. But be honest with yourself that you too played a significant roll in the downfall of your relationship.
ESH. He should have broken up with you. He told you there was an issue and you decided to double down on it because you weren’t happy with the delivery. It was an ex, there no need for you to obsess over them, but you did. I think everyone who says you were having an emotional affair is probably right. Bare minimum, your actions were incredibly destructive to your relationship, you were warned that that was the case and you didn’t care.
Girl, break up with him.
ESH. You emotionally cheated on him with him believing that it was more than just emotionally. He physically cheated on you in retaliation. Does that make him right? No, but I can understand his point. Cheating in any sense sucks. Break up.
Fake and lame
ESH. He should have broken up with you. You got carried away in caring for you “ex”.
Durable share his discomfort with you spending alll your free time with Nert. You dismissed it as helping a friend. So you abandoned your relationship to be with your ex. You and Durble converted to roommates. Each in the demise of the relationship as you both gave up. You chose to do what you did so he was left waiting on you to remember he was your boyfriend. That doesn’t excuse him but you did leave the relationship.
Agreed. ESH. It would have been fine if you just showed up once or twice a week. But everyday? That’s emotionally cheating. You cheated as soon as you started prioritizing him more than your partner.
While Durble is the only one responsible for cheating as well, he should have just broken up with you. Cheating on you for cheating, and hiding it from you, is also a dick move.
What a messy situation. It’s hard to see someone die of Cancer but clearly the love is still there, and OP was tickled that she was making that impact, so much so she abandoned a 7 year relationship. Durble is a slimy cheater and a coward for not just leaving. So, yup. ESH.
You are both wrong and need to break up. I will say that your behaviour towards your ex is not really normal so I can understand why your current partner checked out of the relationship.
ESH. One had a physical affair and the other an emotional one
So. I’m going to address what everyone else is saying but somehow I haven’t seen this tidbit.
You are definitely the AH. First, you emotionally cheated and neglected your current relationship for MONTHS, belittled your bf’s feelings about the situation, then had the audacity to be upset.
Don’t get it twisted. You tried to justify checking his phone as an excuse for work stuff? Nah, no woman (or man) checks a phone unless two reasons, they’re cheating and want to catch their partner they’re cheating on or blow something up to feel better about it, or two, they’re cheating and you were the innocent party. Let’s be real, you neglected your partner, emotionally cheated, and decided to check his phone because deep down you knew he decided “f you, I’m having my cake and eating it too since she is.”
Your bf sucks too. He really does, cheating doesn’t justify other cheating.
Nert is a part of the AH circle of cheaters because him AND HIS SISTER have you emotionally cheating on Durble.
The other AH is the nude pick me coworker. She more than likely knows you, or of you, and was happy to be the other woman while Durble dipped his wick into her.
Everyone sucks. Don’t get it twisted, you definitely cheated too, and move on. Smdh
Both of y’all are AHs. You, OP, for having an emotional affair with an ex. He is your ex. I understand that you care for him and that he perks up when you are around, but he is not your man anymore.
Your man is the AH for doing tit for tat. Don’t fall for that refrain that he cheated because you were not there. He cheated because he wanted to cheat. I’d not take on his guilt.
My tolerance level for BS is low. I know I could not stay with you after you decided to put an ex before me.Your actions showed just where your passion is, not with your man, that’s for sure. Equally, I know I could not tolerate someone having an affair to pay me back for said infraction. The relationship is over.
Partially the asshole.
Your partner told you enough that this bothered him.
You didn’t put him first.
Your partner always is first in a successful relationship.
So you emotionally abandoned him.
And when someone isn’t getting attention from their partner.
They find it elsewhere.
I don’t know how he stayed that long dealing with this.
I probably would’ve given a him or me decision and leave it at that
You did cause this.
He’s a cheater, break up with him. But also maybe you should’ve broken up with him before you were seeing your x daily. You may have been comforting a good friend but this was also your x and your current bf wasn’t comfortable. That being said, he’s responsible for his cheating.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
The correct move would have been to call you on the emotional affair and end the relationship. Not cheat in response.
None of that really matters anymore. It’s time to figure out who is leaving the apartment and how to move on.
You haven’t driven him to cheating. He chose to cheat rather than maybe come with you to see your dying friend.
Ask yourself why do you see your ex everyday ?
He has feelings but rather then do the right thing and actually talk it through with you and come up with a solution he chooses to stick his penis in someone else. Misguided. He couldn’t handle your attention on someone else. Imagine what happens if you have a kid together because the first few years there is very little attention you can give him. Can you trust this guy?
ESH. Would I cheat on my husband? No. But would I sit by while he had an emotional affair with his ex? Also no.
ESH. your boyfriend is obviously a giant asshole for cheating but you ARE also cheating even though you don’t view it like that. You’re sharing a big portion of your life outside of work with a man who is not your partner. You’re cheating without the physical element.
There’s never an excuse for cheating
Woman: Has an emotional affair with ex and completely neglects current boyfriend.
Boyfriend: Cheats on woman.
Woman: *Surprised Pikachu Face*
ESH
You and the ex broke up not because of not caring about each other anymore but due to logistics.
So although you both moved on, you really didnt move on. I think you need to see a therapist because when he dies you arent going to be ok.
Your current boyfriend realized this and cheated because he is an asshole.
You are an oblivious asshole and your boyfriend is a deliberate asshole.
Break up. This relationship will go nowhere good long term.
I hope your ex boyfriends passing is as painless and peaceful as possible.
You need to start dealing now with your real feelings.
🤣
I’ve been in the position like yours with my dad dying (he passed in 2022) and I was told “this year”, then “months” and finally “days”. I visited several times when it was “years” (it’s a 7 hour drive to their house) and a couple of times when it became “months” and only when it was days did I stay with him every day and after 8 days he passed away. Even when I was with him every day I still had to take care of the other things in my life as did my mom. I had a job (thankfully I could work remote) and a wife and kids to stay in touch with.
You seeing your ex daily for months on end would look like emotional cheating to an outside observer because it was absolutely excessive. Your bf brought up his concerns and you disregarded them and it was clearly not a resolved issue. At that point your relationship was dead.
I don’t agree with what your bf did at all because there’s no excuse for cheating. I do think he should have ended the relationship and moved out.
ESH, your boyfriend more than you, but you definitely were inappropriate.
You’re absolutely both assholes & your relationship is over. Spending every waking free moment with an ex who is dying? It was stupid. You threw away your relationship when you did this & refused to hear your boyfriend out. Once a week visiting an ex was plenty, but you straight up abandoned your own relationship for it. & As for your boyfriend, he stupidly thinks he’s one upping you but he should have just left. There is absolutely no saving that relationship, you each made sure of it.
You showed Durble where he stood in your life which is someone in the crowd at the back of the room. You made all the time and space for your ex. Regardless of his illness, you just chose to spend your time with your ex leaving no room for your actual boyfriend. He raised the issue and you blew him off. And now you are surprised he checked out and found someone else?
Cut your boyfriend off. Let him go. You can do whatever you want then without making someone else miserable.
AI still has a ways to go
ESH You’re both responsible for the breakdown of this relationship.
Your boyfriend tried to express that he was feeling unseen and missed you, but it seems like you were emotionally checked out. You spent the majority of your time and energy focused on another man, your ex, leaving little space for your actual relationship. That kind of emotional?? entanglement, even if not physical, still matters. You can’t expect things to be okay if you’re prioritizing someone else over your partner.
That said, his reaction wasn’t right either. Just because someone feels neglected doesn’t give them a pass to act out, cheat, hurting you. Communication goes both ways.
In the end, this seems like a case of poor communication, misplaced priorities, and unresolved feelings…..on both sides.
Nurble flagrantly cheated on, which is no good obviously. You however, were functionally not in a relationship with him at the time, and from the sounds of it were giving him no more consideration than you would a roommate. Like, sure you wanted an apology for a difficult conversation, but Nurble wanted a partner, and you were being clearly dismissive of that reality which also makes having a more level conversation, (especially without an apology on your end,) pretty much impossible.
ESH, but your relationship was basically already over, by your own doing. Messing up a 7 year relationship like this is more dumb than anything else, but that doesn’t necessarily mean this isn’t recoverable, it’s just going to take serious work, difficult conversations, probably therapy, and a lot of time.
All of which means you’re now in a situation where you are forced to choose between your relationship and someone who is dying, and you didn’t get here by accident, you made this bed. You were already in this situation by not attending to this sooner; Nurble choosing to deal with it by cheating just makes everything more shitty, it doesn’t absolve you of the shit you were already in.
By far the strangest fake names I’ve seen
ESH
ESH – you may not have a physical affair with Nert but you are having a straight up emotional affair with him so your partner felt neglected which it sounds like he is and he just has not made the decision to completely leave the relationship so you all have a lot of talking to do – this relationship may or may not be savable but you’re not completely blameless here- does not have any other family other than his sister? Why is it your responsibility to go visit him every single day? I would likely have an issue with that as well.
Ok so I’m usually not an eye for an eye gal. But home girl. You were cheating. Your ex has family and friends. It wasn’t your job. You cheated , then your bf cheated. You don’t get to say sh*t about someone being unfaithful after you’ve e been cheating.YTAH.
Physical cheating and emotional cheating are both bad.
You chose to ignore his concerns about this, spending more time with your ex what did you think would happen??
Both of you are wrong both definitely not suited to each other..
However I will say seeing and knowing your ex like this must be soo hard. Please take time to reflect and regulate your emotions. This will be hard for all
ESH. You had an emotional affair with an ex you amicably broke off with due to life goals, not particularly a relationship issue. I absolutely get why your current bf figured you were cheating, he straight up told you he was upset about you spending all your free time with another guy and you refused to have a proper conversation about it until he apologized.
Yes you are TAH.. i would cheat too
ESH. While I understand your ex is dealing with a terminal diagnosis, you’ve spent the last 6 months prioritizing your renewed relationship with your ex. To the point where you pretty much checked out of your relationship with your current, but soon to be ex, boyfriend. You may not have physically cheated, but you emotionally cheated. You were giving the ex all your energy and had nothing left for your current.
So he checked out as well. Where he becomes the AH as well is that instead of just ending it with you, he went the vindictive and retaliatory route and had an affair of his own.
You’re both wrong.
You cheated first by having an emotional affair with Nert (even after your BF expressed his hurt), so you REALLY don’t have a leg to stand on here, sister.
You emotionally cheated and checked out of your relationship to pick back up with an ex, and your bf physically cheated. ESH
ESH, op’s BF for cheating, OP for having an “emotional affair “ with your ex.
Yta and he’s the ah! You basically abandoned your boyfriend for an ex-boyfriend! There was no reason you needed to visit that person every single day once a week would’ve been fine. You emotionally cheated on him.
>What was first once or twice a week has turned into nearly everyday trips, and I’m there for significant amounts of time. Basically, I wake up, go to work, visit Nert, go home and sleep.
You don’t have a boyfriend. You have a roommate. ESH, just break up
ESH… Jesus Christ. How are both of you in your 30s and y’all are both this immature???
First, he cheated. Period, end of discussion. Relationship over. The trust will never be there and now the question will always remain whether or not he will pull something this vindictive again just because he suspects you or doesn’t like how you’ve handled something. The correct response from him would have been to dump you when you ignored him, but he went to an even worse level, which solved nothing except the problem of him not getting his “manhood” taken care of. It’s disgusting on so many levels. And even though I don’t agree with you either, be sure to get tested for STDs.
Second, what in the hell were you thinking?!?!?!?! You started out by seeing your ex a couple times a week and there was general improvement in how he felt, that’s wonderful. But what made you think it was ok to start going daily to visit an ex????? A grandparent a parent and sibling: Absolutely. And ex? No, absolutely not. If he was improving based on visits that occurred once or twice a week, that was more than sufficient. But then you doubled down. Your boyfriend expressed his discomfort, you dismissed him, he tokd you his fears of you cheating, and you again dismissed him, kept going daily, and then went so far as to basically give YOUR PARTNER the cold shoulder for months, expecting him to apologize for hurting your feelings when he was simply trying to communicate his frustration and concerns?????? Did you seriously even want to be in this relationship? Because the way you acted tells me that your boyfriend wasn’t important enough to consider his feelings, that the ex was more important than the boyfriend, and that you being right was more important than trying to talk it out with the man you’ve been with for 7 years….
I don’t know if I agree with the emotional affair partner others have come up with because I don’t know the extent of your visits, but what you did is seriously screwed up and I would have 100% been on your boyfriend’s side of he hadn’t cheated. And let’s be clear, the feelings you have right now of betrayal, abandonment and hurt are basically what you put your boyfriend through for months. Doesn’t justify what he did, but just want you to gain a little perspective since you seem to have been resistant to perspective this far.
Neither of you is mature enough to be in a relationship. Walk away from each other and learn from this. I can’t even imagine my partner and I treating each other like this…
Esh. You didn’t “make” him cheat, he made that decision on his own. But you are also spending too much time with the ex. I get wanting to be supportive, but it seems like you.dropped everything to be there for him, which, while I believe was innocent on your part, looks sus.
YTA
I don’t care that Durble or whatever you named him cheated, when you’ve been cheating on him for months.
What the hell were you and your ex doing and talking about for hours AFTER he’d gotten better?
You completely gave up your relationship, to pretty much play house with your ex, and now you’re mad because your man, who I hope dumps you, gave his time to someone who actually wanted him.
You completely disregarded and disrespected your partner, before and after he confronted you about your neglect to the relationship, but only your and your ex’s feelings mattered.
Go be with your ex, since that’s obviously what you want. You’re not innocent.
Is cheating wrong? Yes, but I don’t care that he did it to you, when you’ve didn’t have a problem doing it to him.
You may not want to admit it, but you did cheat. You invested love, time, commitment, energy, and stability to an ex, rather than the person you were currently with.
YTA and majorly so
NTA. If it was a female friend, would he have been so upset?
Y’all I’m pretty sure this is just another bot
If Nert is improving, why are you going to visit him “more and more”? With new advances, some stage 4 melanoma patients are living 10 years or more.
ESH. You are cheating on each other. You abandoned him to go have an emotional affair with your ex. Rather than him just breaking up with you he started a new relationship since you were 100% unavailable.
NTA. I do think you should have taken his initial remark about not seeing you more seriously because that’s a lot of time you’re spending with an ex, even if he is a friend. That doesn’t give him an excuse to cheat on you.
ESH
He cheated someone he sucks
You also cheated, at the very least emotionally for months and months … because you were seeing him every day for awhile… then you bf told you how it made him feel and you didn’t like how he did it so you double down and didn’t change anything…. ( which is an excuse lets be real you werent gonna change anyway) plus that ” even ifbi did cheating back isn’t the right move” makes me suspicious.”
Overall you both cheated, neither of you care about the others feelings and your nothing emotionally immature ( pay back and not talking problems through)
Break up and move on
ESH—you emotionally cheated and he physically cheated.
The titles should be “How I destroyed my relationship if 7 years”
But you DID cheat, just not with your vagina
ESH.
Both of you put someone else before your partner. Both culpable. You maybe a little less because there is a genuine problem.
You cheated first.
YTA your entire day is focused around your ex, he tried to talk to you about it, you told him that he did not matter.
Finding a new apartment in NY can be a nightmare, let him keep the place and move in with your ex.
Congrats you played yourself. Now learn what the word”partner means before you try again, because you suck at it. Glad he found someone who fills that roll, since you abandoned it for your ex.
ESH, but not for the reasons you may think.
I wouldn’t call your actions cheating (emotionally) since Durble knew where you were, who you were with, AND what you were doing. To me, cheating is about DECEPTION and there wasn’t any on your part.
Regardless of your behavior, Durble is completely responsible for HIS behavior. His penis did not accidentally fall into another person. He made choices and he violated your trust. He is an asshole for cheating. I’m curious if he cheated before or after he spoke to you about his feelings on the amount of time you were spending with Nert.
Where I think you suck is that once Durble shared his feelings with you, you didn’t seem to validate him in any way. I think it takes a certain amount of vulnerability to be able (honesty with self) and willing (trust in partner) to share that with someone and it appears that you just left him hanging with his feelings out there. You violated his trust.
Couples can repair the damage to their relationship from infidelity if they are both willing to own their role in it, do the work, and move forward. Cheating is a symptom, not the actual problem. Cheating happens when someone’s needs aren’t being met in a relationship. He needs to look at whether he identified those needs and communicated them clearly to you. Did he look for healthy ways to get those needs met? Because there were tons of options for that. He could have met his sexual needs with masturbation. Need for attention or to fill his time could have been met professionally by pouring himself into projects, taking on new hobbies/interests, volunteer work in community, or spending time with friends. Need for affection could have been met with pets (in the absence of pets, he could have volunteered with an animal shelter). And if the only way for him to satisfy his need(s) was sexually or romantically with a partner, then he could have done the honorable thing and broken up with you first. Cheating was never his only option.
You need to look at how you are processing Nert’s pending death and the anticipatory grief. Durble is your partner. Is it a pattern for you to freeze him out when you are going through a hard time, rather than turning towards him and allowing him to support you through it? Pouring your time into “being there” for Nert is a way to not have to work through your own feelings on the matter. (Been there, done that myself, hon. Last year, I had a friend on hospice care at the end of her cancer battle the same week my husband was diagnosed with cancer —spending that week with her allowed me to table the stuff with my husband). And when Durble talked to you about his feelings, you shut down…is this a pattern? If I were in Durble’s shoes, I might feel abandoned, helpless to help you, unwanted/unneeded, shut out, stonewalled, like a roommate rather than a partner.
You have been emotionally cheating.
How would you fill if the roles were reversed? He caring for someone and leaving you alone.
You left him. You basically ended a relationship when you started seeing your ex each and every day. And you saw nothing wrong with what you were doing. What he did is not any better. Yes maybe I’m better because I had a fiancé that left me because her ex fiancé was in a horrible accident and so she went to comfort him and then ended up leaving me to go back to them. But you’ve done the same thing you’ve emotionally cheated on him to be back with your ex.
Nobody forces someone else to cheat, unless they hold a firearm to their head. He made his own choices. Excused don’t matter. Staying faithful is the individual’s responsibility.
If you didnt live together this wouldnt be the issue it is now. You’re not independant. He has expectations of you
and you of him. Both of you violated that. TAH
What you did is 100% cheating. The fact that you wanted an apology from him bringing up his concerns says it all. You don’t care about others. You’re TA
YTA. You reentered your relationship with your ex and abandoned who you were calling your boyfriend. You both moved on you just forgot to move out. This was your choice not his.
Sounds like you left your BF to be with your Ex…
You didn’t physically cheat… But you abandonned your partner to spend every day emotionally connecting with your ex right in front of his face, even after knowing it was a problem. Yall deserve each other, don’t break up.
ESH, YOU cheated first AND ignored your bf’s request to spend more time together because it was send in an argument and not “asked nicely”. Sure him yelling at you wasn’t great, but how did you not realize this would upset your bf? This was probably a built up resentment and it sounds like you didn’t give him a chance to talk to you nicely before he exploded.
Yes, he shouldn’t have physically cheated to “get back at you”. He should have just left you instead.
ESH. You’re having an emotional affair with your ex. Your boyfriend shouldn’t have cheated but perhaps he wouldn’t have done so if you hadn’t first.