CW: mentions of family estrangement and emotional trauma
Hey all, long post but I need advice.
I (28F) just reconnected with my biological mom’s side of the family after nearly three decades of no contact. And now that I have, it’s stirring up more than I expected — guilt, grief, resentment, and a lot of pressure I wasn’t ready for.
When I was about 1, my bio mom dropped me off at her mom’s house and never came back. She went on to have three more children and raised them. I wasn’t included. I had no contact with her growing up, even after I turned 18. For most of my life, I assumed I just wasn’t good enough for her.
Both my parents had struggles (addiction and legal trouble). At the time I was left, my dad was in jail, and both of them voluntarily gave up guardianship. I lived with my maternal grandmother at first, and after she passed, my paternal grandma raised me.
When I finally got the courage to ask my mom what happened, she told me she had been “tricked” into giving me up. That she didn’t know it she was “signing her rights away”. But I later found court documents that clearly show she voluntarily agreed to it knowing it would be temporary and she could fight for me at any time she wanted. That lie stung deeply, especially because she still hasn’t admitted it or apologized.
What reopened everything was a tragic accident — one of my siblings was in a serious car crash last fall. When I found out, I felt this crushing guilt. I didn’t know her. I wasn’t around. So I reached out. I met my sisters, and they’ve been really kind and open. I want a relationship with them. I really do.
But my mom… it’s complicated.
She wants to jump straight into being “mom” again. No acknowledgment, no apology, just emotional fast-forwarding like we can suddenly play catch-up. She says things like “I did my best” and “you don’t understand how hard it was,” but never actually takes responsibility. She even got a tattoo for my siblings, but excluded me. Her reason? She “didn’t want to do it without my permission.” But she didn’t need my permission to take pictures from my Facebook and post them like we’ve always been close…
There are also social media posts where she says she has three daughters, not four. Posts calling her third-oldest her “firstborn.” I’ve only existed when it’s been convenient for her image, and it’s hard to ignore that.
Now my sisters are pressuring me to give her a chance. “Just hear her side.” “She’s trying now.” I get that they love her and want us to be one big family. But her side doesn’t erase what I lived through. Her “trying” now doesn’t undo 28 years of silence, lies, or emotional distance.
Now I’m not really sure what to do or where to go next. How do I pause things with my mom without risking my relationship with my sisters? How do I get them to see my side? Would I be the asshole to close out my mom in pursuit of a relationship with my siblings first?
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Backup of the post’s body: CW: mentions of family estrangement and emotional trauma
Hey all, long post but I need advice.
I (28F) just reconnected with my biological mom’s side of the family after nearly three decades of no contact. And now that I have, it’s stirring up more than I expected — guilt, grief, resentment, and a lot of pressure I wasn’t ready for.
When I was about 1, my bio mom dropped me off at her mom’s house and never came back. She went on to have three more children and raised them. I wasn’t included. I had no contact with her growing up, even after I turned 18. For most of my life, I assumed I just wasn’t good enough for her.
Both my parents had struggles (addiction and legal trouble). At the time I was left, my dad was in jail, and both of them voluntarily gave up guardianship. I lived with my maternal grandmother at first, and after she passed, my paternal grandma raised me.
When I finally got the courage to ask my mom what happened, she told me she had been “tricked” into giving me up. That she didn’t know it she was “signing her rights away”. But I later found court documents that clearly show she voluntarily agreed to it knowing it would be temporary and she could fight for me at any time she wanted. That lie stung deeply, especially because she still hasn’t admitted it or apologized.
What reopened everything was a tragic accident — one of my siblings was in a serious car crash last fall. When I found out, I felt this crushing guilt. I didn’t know her. I wasn’t around. So I reached out. I met my sisters, and they’ve been really kind and open. I want a relationship with them. I really do.
But my mom… it’s complicated.
She wants to jump straight into being “mom” again. No acknowledgment, no apology, just emotional fast-forwarding like we can suddenly play catch-up. She says things like “I did my best” and “you don’t understand how hard it was,” but never actually takes responsibility. She even got a tattoo for my siblings, but excluded me. Her reason? She “didn’t want to do it without my permission.” But she didn’t need my permission to take pictures from my Facebook and post them like we’ve always been close…
There are also social media posts where she says she has three daughters, not four. Posts calling her third-oldest her “firstborn.” I’ve only existed when it’s been convenient for her image, and it’s hard to ignore that.
Now my sisters are pressuring me to give her a chance. “Just hear her side.” “She’s trying now.” I get that they love her and want us to be one big family. But her side doesn’t erase what I lived through. Her “trying” now doesn’t undo 28 years of silence, lies, or emotional distance.
Now I’m not really sure what to do or where to go next. How do I pause things with my mom without risking my relationship with my sisters? How do I get them to see my side? Would I be the asshole to close out my mom in pursuit of a relationship with my siblings first?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Yeah no, you’re not at fault for feeling a certain way, especially when she wants to just skip over your lifetime of hurt. I think you’re wise to step back and choose yourself when she never did.