When I (20f) was 15, my mom had an affair and it absolutely broke my dad’s heart. After this, my parents hated each other and neither of them ever wanted to be home, or only one would be home, which left a lot of household/childcare responsibilities onto me. Both my parents also terribly struggled with drinking, and would fight bad when they drank. I knew I didn’t like the environment I was living in so I started working a lot when I turned 16 and planned to move out as soon as I could.
Well, I ended up officially moving in to my boyfriend (21m) and his parents house 2 years ago (we’ve been together since freshmen yr of hs) and have since taken on all of my expenses. I pay my phone bill, car insurance, etc. I’m in college with a scholarship and work as a paraprofessional at an elementary school.
I know my mom feels very uoset that I don’t really talk to her anymore. I haven’t purposefully gone no contact but I no longer live with her and she doesn’t cover any of my expenses anymore, so I’ve gradually just stopped speaking to her as much.
I know she also feels that I’ve “replaced my family” with my boyfriends family as the past 2 years i’ve spent holidays with them and this year i’m going to the mountains with them over Thanksgiving so I won’t even be stopping by this year as I have the past 2 years.
But I genuinely feel so much more loved with them than I ever did with my family. And they’ve always known I feel so much more comfortable with them as even when we were in highschool they would take me on trips and let me stay at their house on weekends.
So AITAH for “choosing”my boyfriend’s family over my own?
Comments
Well your mum choose her AP over her family so I’m sure she understands…
Having an affair betrays the family, not just the spouse, and forever changes the people in that family.
Definitely not in the wrong it sounds like you’ve found yourself a loving family. That is totally okay! Blood doesn’t always make a proper family and it sounds like they care for you a lot
NTA!!!! You found the care and love that your parents were unable to provide. And while they clearly were struggling and from what I read do not appear to have had any malicious intent, they did neglect you. They have no reason to complain if through their neglect you found others who supported you with love and kindness, and grew close to them. You’re absolutely NTA for being close to people who supported you when you were in need, it’s a truly wonderful thing how accepting your boyfriends parents have been and they have definitely earned the time and care you are reciprocating to them.
NTA — Your mom dug her own hole
with her affair.
Your mom made the choice to neglect you. She could have reached out.
Nope, not at all! Choosing yourself was probably one of the best decisions you have made, keep it up. People make time for what it’s important to them and your parents showed you for years what was important to them. Now that they don’t have control over you and can’t force you to hang out with them they miss you. You go live a happy life and let them stew in the mess they made for themselves. You do not owe your parents for being born or being raised, you had no choice but they did.
Both parents let you down. They neglected you, and foisted their responsibilities on to you.
YNTA for choosing the people who were there for you.
Blood ties do not make a family. Communication, empathy, recognition, support; all these and more go into a group of people becoming a family. It’s obvious your boyfriend’s family is now your family. Do not guilt-trip yourself (or let anyone else do it) into feeling bad for the choices you’ve made to embrace his family over your biological family. You’ve shown yourself to be mature and mindfull of your situation and have done what you need to survive and THRIVE. You may need to have a sit-down with your mother and exolain to her WHY you’ve done what you have. It’s up to her to change HER life if she wishes you to be a greater part of it. Good luck in the future, you’ve got this!
“The Blood of The Covenant is thicker than the Water of The Womb.”
Found family means more than blood, you’re where you need to be.
NTA.
They made choices in life and now they are feeling the consequences. That’s not on you. Thank goodness his family have taken you in unconditionally.
You are old enough that you get to choose your family.
NTA
NTA.
Families are accidents of biology. Sometimes you get a good mix and mature loving parents and sometimes you don’t.
You aren’t obligated to stay with people that don’t provide you with love, safety or care just because they birthed you.
Always go where you are welcomed, loved and safe.
NTA. Not even one little bit. Your mom brought this on herself.
I am going to play devil’s advocate. Being in your boyfriends family is great BUT what happens if you and your bf don’t make it??? Your Mother had an affair and probably reasons for it but you should not let it influence your relationship with either parent. It is not for you to know why it happened but you have let it affect your relationships and cause major damage. Get counseling for all involved. One day you will need 1 or both of your parents again and do not want to regret not resolving your issues. You can NEVER HAVE ENOUGH PEOPLE LOVE YOU.
NTA. You seem very self-sufficient and should continue to focus on your goals, education, and future. Sounds like you’re choosing a healthy life for yourself compared to a hurtful past. You’re still a young adult and perhaps in due time, if you need time away from blood family to separate and maintain boundaries, your maturity may continue to grow and develop a line of contact with blood family in the future, should you want it. And it would be on your terms, as you are an established, self-supporting adult. That would be your choice. But again-you are definitely NTA.
When you cheat on your spouse, you cheat on your kids. Tell her she needs to suck it up (if she asks).
Chosen family is so valid. Follow your intuition and continue as you have been. What they did to you isn’t fair.
I can’t pass judgement over this until you talk to your mother. Let her know how you feel.