AITAH for closing the window during my wife’s loud routine morning panic attack?

r/

My (30) wife (28) has struggled with mental health the entirety of our relationship. I am constantly and will continue to be there for her through it. I have helped her find help and outlets and coping mechanisms. She has gotten better over the decade that we have been together. Over the past year and a half a new thing has routinely started happening, morning panic attacks. She has begun to yell at herself and even hits herself in the face calling herself stupid and other not nice names. I have tried to help in every way I can imagine but this has backfired on me in every way to the point where she is really angry and nasty to me. I also have past trauma from growing up with a mom who would panic, yell, scream, and sometimes even hurt me and my siblings. Nothing ever major, but enough to cause emotional scarring related to yelling. My wife knows this and we try to be gentle with each other during arguments because of mine and her own trauma as well. These morning outbursts and my inability to help have led to me approaching them with a more self preservation method. I leave her alone as best as I can and even leave the house if I need to. She opens a window to try to help her breathe, but this just means I can still hear yelling regularly from anywhere on our property. I work from home and the last time this happened I had someone scheduled to drop off something related to my work. Thankfully I had arranged to just meet them in the driveway. I gave my wife a large berth while she was suffering, but 5 minutes before they were set to arrive I went and reminded her that they were coming, asked her if she needed anything, and told her I would be outside waiting. She acknowledged it and then went back to panicing. I saw she had the window open so I went and closed it and said “Honey, I cant have you yelling out the window. Im sorry, but I just cant.” She, and I think justifiably, got mad at me and snarled at me that I didn’t care about her and only cared of the rest of the world heard her. I understand why someone in that state would take offense to it, but I don’t think in the big picture it is fair. I have dedicated years of my life to helping her become the best version of herself and I am very proud of who she is today and love her very much. But I do also have to maintian professionalism with my work and having my wife scream obscenities out of our bedroom window isn’t exactly that. I will add for context that years ago I had a temper. If I was working on something that was frustrating I could lose my lid and break that thing or a tool I was using. Think grumpy cursing mechanic. She expressed how much she disliked it and how it made her do the same thing I now do when she has a panic attack while getting ready to leave the house. I spent a long time working on myself and no longer do that and haven’t for many years at this point. I feel if I worked to change my behavior for her she should attempt to do the same for me, but it has been over a year now and I am still being pointed at for blame for her actions and mental health. So reddit, AITAH? What else can I do?

Edit: There are a few common things I need to clear up.

She is not doing this every day. It has been about a year and a half since it started. Some months it is multiple times a week, some it is once during the entire month.

She is on medication, has been the whole time I have known her. We both work together to make changes with doctors to those. She is doing way better with her depression and general mental health than she ever has before. It is just stressful mornings that are a problem for her.

She saw a therapist for a while but stopped. I agreed she should find a new one. He was clearly just there for a paycheck. She cut him off, but never found a new one. This post is making me realize it is past due to help her find one.

Comments

  1. sophiexmillerrx Avatar

    NTA. Dude, u’ve been super patient and supportive. I mean she’s clearly struggling and that sucks but u can’t just let ur own mental health be destoryed. Closing a window isn’t the same as abandoning her or ignoring her pain. U still asked her if she needed anything! Honestly u sound like a good guy trying to do the right thing

  2. IronViol3t Avatar

    If I had a dollar for every time I had to close a window to avoid hearing someone yell at themselves, I’d be rich enough to hire an emotional support llama for both of you.

  3. Tremenda-Carucha Avatar

    NTA, OP. Her attacks must be terrifying for you too… have you considered a support group?

  4. pineboxwaiting Avatar

    NTA She needs more help than she’s getting, though.

  5. RainOwn1208 Avatar

    NTA you’re human! You have your limits and dude, this is really really tough for you. Don’t get me wrong I feel for you wife, but god do I feel for you. Can I ask if she’s getting professional help or on any medication?

  6. gringaellie Avatar

    NTA this is emotional abuse at this point. It’s way toxic and unhealthy. You shouldn’t be staying in this relationship.

  7. Melophile_27 Avatar

    She needs professional help, outside of your home, impatient. It’s not your job to fix her, and it’s not fair for you to live like that, especially if you’re working on yourself, have your own trauma, and are putting your needs to the side repeatedly to “help” her. Here’s a secret – no one can help her, but her. This is not your average anxiety. She’s destroying you, and potentially could cause you to lose your source of income. She has no control over herself. She could do anything at any time. Time to look into other treatment options. I will say though, after dealing with a marriage with someone with unchecked mental health issues, which were often taken out on me, I will NEVER be with someone who isn’t maintaining their shit. I’ve got anxiety and depression which I manage on my own, and I just won’t put myself last to coddle a partner who isn’t helping themselves.

  8. Due_Classic_4090 Avatar

    NTA. It sounds like she needs more therapy or a new therapist or that your wife needs to actually do the homework? It sounds like she is not working on herself as these morning panic attacks have started & gotten worse. This doesn’t seem right, she needs more help. Maybe even a psychiatrist to prescribe her medications to help.

    You work from home, this really can’t be happening there. I’m worried for your wife, it’s like she’s regressed.

  9. Mellybojelly Avatar

    So you started going outside to get away from it, and that’s when she started opening the window “to get some fresh air”? Dude…

  10. Healthy-Magician-502 Avatar

    NTA. I’ll get downvoted to oblivion, but I don’t understand how you’ve tolerated your wife’s unhinged behaviour for ten years. She clearly needs more help than she’s received thus far, and seems pretty comfortable going off the rails on a daily basis. Probably because you enable it instead of pushing back. Whatever you and your wife are doing to help cope with whatever is wrong with her clearly isn’t working.

  11. orphan_blud Avatar

    Your unwavering support has evolved into enabling. She needs professional help.

  12. InformedTriangle Avatar

    NTA but..is she on medication? she needs to be on medication at this point.

  13. PeachyFairyDragon Avatar

    If she is opening a window after you close it, it’s not an uncontrollable attack. That takes effort to change the window prior to launching into a tirade. She’s doing it deliberately.

  14. rosegoldblonde Avatar

    NTA. Your wife needs serious psychological help. Even in patient treatment maybe. This is not healthy or normal for either of you.

    Please don’t have children while your life is like this. This is insanely traumatic for all involved.

  15. changelingcd Avatar

    NTA, but I think your past trauma has caused you to seek out a similar situation where you feel you’re continuing to help someone deeply damaged and abusive like your mother. Just… remember that you don’t actually have to do this. You can leave, and live in peace and quiet, and not ruin your own life to endure another person’s outbursts.

  16. NemesisShadow Avatar

    Panic attacks don’t cause someone to punch themselves in the face. I have C+PTSD so I’m always in fight or flight. I think you’re seriously being taken advantage of.

  17. Sea_Firefighter_4598 Avatar

    NTA. That’s not a panic attack.

  18. Big_Bowler8424 Avatar

    NTA.
    I’m also prepared to get downvoted for this comment. But here it goes. It isn’t your responsibility to help your wife find coping mechanisms. She needs professional help. I think your CPTSD is definitely coming into play here. But it’s not your job to fix her.

    Yelling, screaming and hitting herself are a huge concern. Please protect yourself and any possible children from this behavior. I’m really hoping children aren’t being exposed to this. Also, see if you can get some video of these behaviors, just in case things go sideways and you find yourself being accused of DV. Because if a neighbor calls the police, and she has injuries, it’s not going to look so good.

  19. 1TiredPrsn Avatar

    I’m naturally a cynical person. I just am. Idk if that’s clouding my judgement here but I have a feeling these outbursts are less panic attacks and more planned attacks that she’s weaponizing against you. This is no way to live for either of you. NTA and I hope you both get help because this isn’t sustainable.

  20. keatonpotat0es Avatar

    …this is her version of better?

  21. avid-learner-bot Avatar

    NTA. Oh, honey, I know it’s tough, the panicking, the helplessness, but locking yourself in that room ain’t helping either of you.

  22. please_have_humanity Avatar

    Heya, NTA. 

    And also, has she tried a belt box? Its what singers use to be quieter when they belt loud noises. 

    Vocal masking is a thing too. Play something at 5 to 10db louder than her scream, and it will just be drowned out by the noise. Especially with the belt box. The belt box will work on its own, but vocal masking will help a ton too. A white noise machine is perfect for this tbh. Or find a tone that resonates with your wife that maybe calms her too and blast it on speakers? 

    I have severe panic attacks as well and exhibit some similar behaviors to your wife, minus the loudness since I whisper scream at myself. 

    More therapy is def needed. Maybe somatic therapy might help as well? 

    Rootin for yall!

  23. Prettyricky27_ Avatar

    She needs a new therapist but so do you. Also do not bring kids into the picture with her acting like this. Maybe her meds needs to be changed, either way this is just bad

  24. DifferentCard2752 Avatar

    NTA: Im not a mental health professional, but panic attacks aren’t screaming obscenities. Panic attacks are characterized by anxiety, shortness of breath, increased heart rate, dizziness & fear. It’s hard to speak and communicate during one. They also aren’t consistently triggered by a time or activity.

    This sounds like tantrums, which do happen in adults but can be controlled. Your wife needs to see a qualified therapist to develop healthy coping mechanisms. Yelling, crying & physical exertion can work if used correctly, but so can deep breathing. Yelling obscenities, becoming inconsolable, saying hateful things and hurting yourself, others or breaking things shows a lack of emotional maturity. We all have our moments, but this is absurd & selfish.

  25. Terrible_Error_5633 Avatar

    Sure seems like she needs new meds at this point.  You may need to consider in-patient therapy.  

  26. KatieL6547 Avatar

    Look into an emotion regulation program where you live, they offer a multi course/group for free in my city. Basically groups to teach how to regulate and understand emotions, reduce trauma and anxiety, etc. 

    A new therapist she sees weekly is definitely recommended as the yelling fits and physical assaults is beyond the breaking point… To be honest sounds almost performative (attention seeking) as if it’s to make sure everyone knows she hates herself that day. Whether she’s doing it consciously or not. 

    Many free programs (available online too, look up DBT, emotional regulation and mindfulness) so she can start learning how to calm herself. It’ll make a huge difference. 

  27. CrabbyGremlin Avatar

    With all due respect and as someone who use to have occasional similar melt downs, just no where near as frequently, you being gentle and supportive isn’t doing much to help at this point in my opinion. She has absolutely no insensitive to change, she knows you’ll always be there.

    It was only once my ex left me that I truly had to face myself and do the work and get a grip. I now haven’t had an episode in 3 years and feel entirely baffled that I ever did.

    I’m not saying leave her for good, but your current approach isn’t helping that much if this is still happening after so many years.

    Your wife maybe needs different meds, definitely therapy, but I also feel a bit of tough love is in order and I’m not usually a fan of it but for adults who behave like this discipline and hard boundaries can be effective. I wonder how long she’d behave like this if she had no one close to dump it on? Sometimes people emotionally dump all their anger and frustration on the people closest.

    NTA and some may not agree with me but I don’t think the softly softly approach is helping.

  28. Corgilicious Avatar

    This is terrifying. You do realize that you married a woman very similar to your mother, don’t you? You’re probably more comfortable in this type of relationship, then in one that is more balanced and healthy. Are you in therapy?

  29. Substantial-Air3395 Avatar

    I just don’t have the patience to deal with somebody with these types of issues. Good luck to you in this relationship. NTA