I am 35f and have two kids 12 m and 10f with my late husband Rahul. We lost him in a car accident two weeks back.
My in-laws has been huge support and I was holding up myself for so many weeks, because of my grieving kids. I cried a little infront of everyone. But kept a brave face for my kids.
So in our culture, there is 13rh day when relatives visit. And stayed whole night. Finally after all this, I let it out fully. And cried my hearts out. He was the love of my life, since I was 19. My kids saw me crying and hugged me and we cried together..
Relatives saw it and later next day, husband’s aunt criticised me for crying infront of children. That I have to take care of them and i can’t be weak. My sil agreed with her. Sil never liked me. But my fil told them to buzz off and heated words were exchanged. After that they left. My mil also told aunt in law as well as sil to never come back home again, until they apologise for their words.
My mil told to ignore them. But I feel like crying even today. But I don’t want to make my kids feel more bad and that is making me feel like ah. , that I can’t regulate my emotions. I know it is less of ah post, but I need to vent out. Financially we are gonna be fine. But emotionally I don’t know. How will I recover.
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It will take time to heal that. I’m so sorry for your loss. Also, NTA. Kids need to be taught that there are more emotions than happiness and joy in life. And you’re just human, no robot with no emotions. What you did was right. Take your time recovering, it will take long but eventually you can accept all this.
NTA.
You and your children are grieving.
If anything, I interpret this as a moment where they saw they could share those emotions with you. And that’s not a negative. They saw that they don’t have to try keep their feelings bottled up, because you were able to share yours.
It’s not about weakness and to even consider criticising you at a time of grieving is grotesque to me. I’m glad that your Mother in Law and Father in Law had your back here.
Please just give yourself time, and be kind to yourself about however you grieve. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m really sorry for your loss.
NTA I personally think it’s good that you cry in front of the kids. it shows them that crying is normal, which it is especially after something traumatic like that. Your kids would still be able to tell how you feel even if you don’t straight up cry, but it might make them think that crying isn’t good. Also I think crying and mourning together as a family could strengthen your bond with each other and help you all deal with these emotions together.
NTA
People cry, and this is a tragedy. Hold your head high and your children close.
NTA
You’re a human to and the idea that you need to be happy 24/7 in front of your child is a toxic mindset your aunt is trying to install.
You’re a grieving wife who lost the love of her life and crying in front of your kids isn’t weakness it’s being human. They need to know it’s okay to feel and you showed them that. Grief isn’t something you hide it’s something you heal through together.
NTA
I’m terribly sorry for your loss. I’m very glad your MIL and FIL supported you in this and told the others to buzz off. Let them stay gone, who need people like that? You have the love and support of the two in-laws that matter most, yulour children’s grandparents. Your children would probably feel strange if you DIDN’T cry, what message would that send? It’s ok to try to he strong for them, but they can be there for you too. Hugs to you and your family.
NTA both you and your children are grieving. Honestly if anything in this awful situation it might be a good lesson to show them that you are a safe person to be with that they can freely cry and show their emotions around regardless of hardships since you also experience the same emotions as them. Also maybe look into getting you all therapy.
So sorry for your loss and no crying in front of your children isn’t bad in fact it’s healthy, it shows them that it’s ok to express what they’re feeling, that people don’t have to be strong 24/7.
be honest about your emotions and let your kids know it is okay to cry. being strong is making sure your children are stinked. Supporting them and taking care of them. Not hiding how much you loved ams and miss their father.
NTA
I am sorry for your loss
Grieving in front of your kids doesn’t make you weak, it shows them that emotions are normal. You’re teaching them to process loss, not hide from it. You’re doing the best you can. NTA
Listen, if you choose not to cry and grieve in front of/with your kids, one very serious thing COULD happen. Your kids could think that you don’t/didn’t care about their Dad. Speaking from experience here, let your kids help you grieve, as you help them grieve. They need to know that Mum loved Dad and misses him just as much as they do. Grieving kids don’t need to be protected from their grieving parent, it is not weak to show your kids that a piece of your heart has been broken. You will get through this together WITH your kids, do not shut them out from your tears, Mum is human too with human emotions. Please ignore your husbands aunt and anyone else with this warped view. Embrace your MIL, let her hold you up while you hold your kids up. Virtual hugs from one Mum to another, I’m very sorry for your families loss xx
Expressing grief and sadness in front of children is HEALTHY. We have it in our heads that we have to shield children from all the bad things in the world, that they can’t see us crying because then however will they cope? But the thing is, they lost their dad. They are grieving too. By seeing you cry, and by crying together you show them that the sadness and pain they feel is a NORMAL part of this process. You are NTA for crying in front of them any more than they are for crying in front of you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Take it one day at a time. The pain will ease. You will always miss him and grief will always hit at the strangest times. But you will be OK. You will find a new normal. The bleeding stops and leaves a scar but the memories and love will always be there.
Grieving does not make you weak. Ignore everyone else who tells you otherwise.
NTA. I don’t know what culture you’re from but any culture that looks down on men or women crying while grieving is ridiculous. (My humble opinion.)
So glad your children shared in your grief and you could grieve together which probably made all of you feel better.
Grief is a very personal emotion and people should be able to express it however they want.
I’m sorry for your loss.
You will be ok eventually. Your kids need to see your grief. See you cry. Feel your love for their father. Because they miss him too. They need to know it’s not just their world that fell apart.
Give your MIL & FIL a hug. They love you a whole bunch!!! Reassure them you still love them. They are probably worried about that
Crying and sharing / showing your grief is 100% normal and teaches your kids humanity.
Those other people aren’t worth your time. Grieve as long as you need to. Look after yourself and your kiddos. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
omg i’m so sorry for ur loss. no one gets to judge how u grieve. those relatives were cruel and cold, especially at a time like this. ur kids saw u being real, and they hugged u. that means they felt safe with u even in sadness. don’t ever feel bad for that
Bottling up your grief will just cause it to explode, literally, down the road
You could develop a drinking problem, drugs, have bouts of explosive anger
Grief isn’t liner either. You’re gonna have days where you feel almost “normal” and then something, a smell, a sound is going to trigger a tsunami of grief
A support group for you and your children can be very helpful
Bottling up your grief will just cause it to explode, literally, down the road
You could develop a drinking problem, drugs, have bouts of explosive anger
Grief isn’t liner either. You’re gonna have days where you feel almost “normal” and then something, a smell, a sound is going to trigger a tsunami of grief
A support group for you and your children can be very helpful
Your kids need to know that it’s safe to mourn, safe to feel sad and to cry. That’s what you are doing. Now, if you cried and didn’t get out of bed and neglected them for the next two years, that would be a problem. But you are all in the throes of grief right now, including your kids. It’s been two weeks, and your kids are cared for. Grieve together, it’s healthy.
NTAH, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA.
I lost my dad when I was 6. My Mum held it together very well by all means, but to this day I have some issues with it because I didn’t grieve properly. I needed some nights we just cried together and weren’t strong.
So your family is talking shit, your kids need every part of you right now to show them how to be strong AND feel what they’re feeling!
Edit: Please feel free to reach out with any questions or such you might have, if I can help even a little then I’m more than happy to!
First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. What you did was show your children a healthy outlet for their emotions, and you showed them how much their father meant to you.
My Dad died when I was 18, my younger siblings were about half my age. My Mom was the sort to hide her tears, we learnt to do the same. I can’t remember her crying about it, I presume she did, but non of us grieved properly until we were much older. 20+ years on and I only just feel I have finally grieved thoroughly. I’m trying to break the cycle, I let my kids see me upset and explain why. Thank you for doing this for your children. Hug them tight, cry with them, share the happy memories through your tears. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise, put a little bit of space between you & those people.
I think it’s good for your kids to see you sad for your husband. It kind of gives them permission to do the same, which is normal and healthy. And crying does not mean you’re weak. Ignore those awful women who try to tell you otherwise
Your father and mother-in-law are good people and they genuinely care about you. And was it their son who died? Of course they are hurting too. You all share stories of him, and that way help each other find comfort. This way you’re recover a little every day. Be patient with yourself, allow yourself time to grieve. It takes a long time, so take as long as you need. It will get easier.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
You will feel like crying at the most random times. Your inlaws get it. They just lost their child. Your only responsibility is helping your children navigate their grief. Seeing you grieve too makes it less overwhelming. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a moron.
NTA… crying shows ur kids u loved their father. Shows them it’s ok to feel emotions. Ur not neglecting your kids n only crying. Ur human too. Ur inlaws are great . Don’t bother about foolish and inhumane ppl like aunt n sil
NTA. It is not weak to cry and it is not weak to grieve with your kids.
I am 34 and I think in my whole life I had only seen my mum cry like three times before my dad died in 2021. We were at the hospital saying our goodbyes to him after he had passed and she started to cry. She stopped herself and said sorry, that she needs to be strong for us. Me and my sister told her to stop being silly and to cry if she needs to cry. We all had a big cry together, it was really sad but I think it brought us closer.
My kids were much younger when my mom died. I would be doing something with them, and start crying. Not full out sobbing, but they knew I was crying.
I would tell them, “Mommy is ok. I’m just missing my mommy a lot right now.”
They could understand that. The saw me handle grief appropriately. They saw me grieve.
I think that is healthy
NTA. It’s good that you cried with your children. If they didn’t see your emotions they may have felt you didn’t love their dad.
NTA, Kids needs to learn to grief and if you are not allowed to cry, your feeling will be bottle up and that is bad,
Listen to your FIL and MIL and please cry for their son and your lost love.
Expressing your pain will let your children know it’s ok to do that too. It’s healthy to grieve. I’m so sorry for yours and your children’s loss, my heart hurts for you 😞
It is healthy for your children to see the genuine grieving process. That lets them know it’s ok to cry too if that’s how they’re feeling. They also need to know it’s ok to be happy again. That said, if you were sobbing in front of them endlessly for weeks upon weeks I would say ok; maybe it’s time to seek some support. But one time?! Your SIL was out of line and your MIL is right. I recommend books, support groups and therapy for you and the kids to help them process their emotions.
NTA. Last year my mom’s brother died and she cried A LOT both in my arms and quietly alone. Although I loved him dearly and i hated seeing her cry it also showed me that it ok to show emotion. That is what you’re showing your kids. That it’s ok to express themselves and their emotions. Your SIL and AIL can F off they have no compassion
This is grief and it will always be there, even when you adjust to Rahul being gone. He has a place in your heart that will always be his. But as a wise man once said, one day the memories will bring a smile instead of a tear.
Until then, avoid anyone who criticizes you for grieving. Hold your children close and let them cry with you. It’s ok to grieve and to do so openly.
These are very, very hard times for you and your kids, and it’s perfectly fine to teach them then can cry
Please ignore SIL and the aunt, they seem to be very mean people
Of course NTA!
NTA at all
I think you crying in front of your children showed them that it is okay to express your grief. I am so sorry for your loss.
Honestly your kids would probably feel worse if you DIDN’T show emotion. They’re going through hell, they need to know you’re going through it with them and that they’re not alone in their grief.
Crying with your children over something that severely impacted all of you is vastly different from, for example, you crying in front of your children because your SIL insulted you. Although the latter also would be NTA, as far as I am concerned.
That’s fucked. Cry. Cry with your kids. Cry alone. Cry all you want. No one, NO ONE gets to tell you how to grieve.
God, I hate this old world culture shit regulating how you’re supposed to feel in your weakest moments. You do what you have to and it’s ok for your kids to see you sad. It’s way ok
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
NTA. You tears are showing your children your sadness at losing their Dad, they need to see its okay to cry and express that grief and not bottle it up. You are always going to have people that think it’s their responsibility to tell you how to act,think or talk. Don’t listen to them. Your tears are a healthy part of grieving and show your children it’s okay to express emotions in sad situations. I’m so sorry for your loss.
You just showed a healthy expression of grief. They now know they can express their grief to you and you will understand and share it. NTA
I’m guessing you’re indian. First of all, I’m sorry for your loss. Secondly, your parents in-laws seem like an absolute treasure, so I’m glad you have them.
You’re NTA, at all. You and your children are hurting. There is nothing wrong in them seeing you express your emotions – this will help them express their own pain.
Also, the idea that crying means a person isn’t strong or resilient is the most idiotic perspective ever. Cry and vent, it helps! Then you regroup and work towards moving forward.
NTA
You are your children are grieving right now
You just gave them the opportunity to share their feelings with you as well
Take all the time you need to recover
I’m so sorry for your loss
NTA, I feel like as much as kids need their parents to be their rock and help them navigate grief part of this is seeing that expressing that grief is good. If your children never see you grieve the loss they will either interpret it as you either not caring or that showing emotion in grief is not a good thing. You lost you husband and your children lost their father you all need time to grieve. And seeing you grieve may help your children to navigate their own grief.
I think it’s good for your kids to see you cry. Or maybe it’s better to say it would be bad for them to think you have no emotions about this.
As long as you aren’t locking yourself in a room and making them feel like they need to be adults right now, then let it all out.
Your relatives can fuck off.
It takes a strong person to show emotion. I’m sorry for your loss. Don’t let anyone take your grief. Your husband was a huge part of your life and you need to grieve. Your children need to grieve. Keep in mind children show grief differently than adults. There may be a time you need more support, but it’s way too early in the process to determine that now.
NTA.
You’re showing your children how to grieve and that it’s ok to cry.
I am so sorry for your loss
NTA. Just remember, you finally needing that big cry? It means you have found your safety net to allow you to feel those emotions. You have support backing you up. Im so sorry for your loss and your families loss.
NTA kids need to see you expressing emotions or they’ll think it’s fine to bottle it up: this causes more problems. Talk to your kids tell them why you’re crying it’ll help them with their grief as well.
One of my favorite poets passed away recently, and I’ve been taking comfort in this poem they left behind:
> My love, I was so wrong. Dying is the opposite of leaving. When I left my body, I did not go away. That portal of light was not a portal to elsewhere, but a portal to here. I am more here than I ever was before. I am more with you than I ever could have imagined. So close you look past me when wondering where I am. It’s Ok. I know that to be human is to be farsighted. But feel me now, walking the chambers of your heart, pressing my palms to the soft walls of your living. Why did no one tell us that to die is to be reincarnated in those we love while they are still alive? Ask me the altitude of heaven, and I will answer, “How tall are you?” In my back pocket is a love note with every word you wish you’d said. At night I sit ecstatic at the loom weaving forgiveness into our worldly regrets. All day I listen to the radio of your memories. Yes, I know every secret you thought too dark to tell me, and love you more for everything you feared might make me love you less. When you cry I guide your tears toward the garden of kisses I once planted on your cheek, so you know they are all perennials. Forgive me, for not being able to weep with you. One day you will understand. One day you will know why I read the poetry of your grief to those waiting to be born, and they are all the more excited. There is nothing I want for now that we are so close I open the curtain of your eyelids with my own smile every morning. I wish you could see the beauty your spirit is right now making of your pain, your deep seated fears playing musical chairs, laughing about how real they are not. My love, I want to sing it through the rafters of your bones, Dying is the opposite of leaving. I want to echo it through the corridor of your temples, I am more with you than I ever was before. Do you understand? It was me who beckoned the stranger who caught you in her arms when you forgot not to order for two at the coffee shop. It was me who was up all night gathering sunflowers into your chest the last day you feared you would never again wake up feeling lighthearted. I know it’s hard to believe, but I promise it’s the truth. I promise one day you will say it too– I can’t believe I ever thought I could lose you.
NTA
Crying is a natural expression of many emotions. Crying is the greatest outward sign of grieving. There is no shame in grieving. Crying can be a part of moments of grieving years after the loss event. Your children will be happy to hug you and help you honour their dad with your tears and distraughtness. Talk with your children. Stories and feelings shared are part of showing shared growth and strength. Your children are old enough to engage with you in this journey.
People that want you to bury your feelings or hide your feelings are ‘not nice people’.
Some losses hurt deep and the grieving process takes longer. Please be gentle with youyourself and have patience. You say he was the love of your life. Add that to your grief and you’re going to need time. NTA but your in-laws who were harsh with you are. I’m glad you have some support through this. I became a widow this year too. It’s an adjustment. And so what if your children saw you weep. It shows them their mom is human. They can see by your grief that their parents loved each other deeply and mom needs some time. Yes, it will hurt for a while but you’ll be okay. Wishing you peace in the days ahead.
NTAH. You are teaching your children to allow their feelings. You are a wonderful parent.
First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. Second, there is nothing shameful about grief and the emotions that come with it. You’ve only lost him less than a month ago, so expecting yourself to not want to cry is asking too much. I do think once you’re ready, a grief counselor may be helpful in learning how to cope. Everyone’s loss is different. You lost your husband, the kids lost their dad, your MIL &FIL lost their child, and SIL lost her sibling. You will all grieve in your own way. It’s healthy to let the kids see you grieve, too, while making them feel safe to show their emotion as well. Working with the counselor might be a helpful tool to do that. Nothing about how you are feeling or reacting is weak, and I’m glad your MIL and FIL supported you.
NTA. you lost the love of your life two weeks ago. You are allowed to cry and grieve and show emotions in front of your children.
You’re sharing your grief with your children, it’s still raw of course you all need to grieve together. Aunt and sil were totally wrong. Thank God for your fil and mil.
I’m so sorry for your loss
I lost my husband to covid. I cried for 2 years. Cry you need to. Im crying for you. Knowing how hard this is for you. Your children need to see you love him.
NTA. I lost my dad suddenly at 9 and everyone showed their grief on front of me, what I saw was how much they loved him and that’s not weakness.
It did take me years to work through it and I would say it was a life defining moment as a child so the more they know it’s ok to show their pain the better.
I don’t know we re you re based but Winston’s wish is an excellent child bereavement charity and wherever you are I m sure the advice on their website will apply.
NTA. You could either teach your children that grief is normal or something to be ashamed of.
I was 10 when my dad died, mum was 40. She put on a brave face and never cried, or comforted me. It was awful and I wish she had. Please grieve with your children. Cry and laugh and hug and heal with them. Xx
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you cry all you need to, wherever and whenever you need. It’s honest, and your kids need to see that.
If you didn’t cry 😢,these Evil 👿 people would Say you have No feelings! You are going through enough pain without Dealing with them! Your MIL and FIL sound like great people who will be there for you!
No you are not at all. Our children look to us for strength but they also look to us for guidance in all situations. If they learn at a young age that it is not possible to be strong is all situations or that it is ok to break down when things are really bad, they will grow up with that example. I speak from personal experience, I never saw my mother cry so I am an overly strong “I can handle it all” kinda mom to my kids. They in turn refuse to let people see them cry because even though it’s natural and often tine cathartic, it also feels like a weakness. No Bueno. Let them see that you are human not superhuman
It’s ok to cry in front of your children. It shows them you’re all in the same place and share the same pain for a deceased loved one.
I saw my father cry for the first time when he lost his own father. I will forever hold that memory dear in my mind.
He started to cry when I came to hug him while crying myself. At that moment we were both sharing our pain, and our love for my grandfather, it felt great to be vulnerable together.
Don’t hesitate to talk about your husband with your children, it’s good to share good memories, and you need to cry again, it’s ok, they won’t love you less or be traumatized. If anything this will strengthen your bond
Sending you all my love, I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA
We have a saying here: ‘Gedeelde smart is halve smart’, which basically means ‘shared grief is halve the grief’. So please don’t stop crying together. It will bring you closer together and strenthen your bond with your children. You also teach them that showing emotions is okay and not a sign of weakness. And that will help them tremendously in their mental health.
It’s ok for your children to see you cry over something like this. We have emotions. Expressing them in a healthy manner as an adult shows your children that they are in a safe place and supported if they needs to express theirs.
If your aunt and SIL comes to you again about it, tell them that their behaviour is not welcome around you and your children, and you hope they’re never in a similar position as you.
NTA crying is good for the soul.
I’m sorry for your loss. From a child’s perspective if it’s useful – we lost my dad when I was 5. I saw my mum crying once but I wasn’t supposed to have even seen that. She didn’t reference it, thinking she should ‘be brave and protect us’. Huge mistake. I know nearly nothing about him as she blocked it out and In turn I also learned to suppress emotions, never allowing myself to express how I truly felt which led to abusive relationships, bad friendships and years of therapy. I’m good now but definitely think if she had shared (at least a bit) of her grief I wouldn’t have felt so bad experiencing it myself and we could have mourned together.
Cry together, from your sadness something good will come
Blame you for being a sensitive and vulnerable human?
NTA at all. Your grieving its good to grieve yes your kids will see but they also need know its okay to cry use have lost someone so important to you and your family. Your showing them its okay to grieve. If I saw my mu. Not grieve losing her husband my father id think shes heartless and never actually loved him
NTA , sorry for ur loss <3
Oh my dear, you are definitely NTA. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is not wrong to express your grief, especially with your children. You shared a vulnerable moment with your children and allowed them to also express their grief. That is a necessary part of the grieving process. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Your Aunt is the AH for telling you that. Cry if you need to cry. It will take time for things to get better. You and the children may even need grief counseling if that is available. I wish you the best.
listen to your husband’s parents. his sister and aunt are just bitter cruel people. NTA
Talk to your kids and explain that crying is a normal and healthy way to process pain. Explain that some ppl (MIL and SIL) think you should hold it in but that you think is ok to let it out.
Sorry for your loss.
Glad to know that you have your MIL and FIL‘s moral support.
Tell the others to shove it!
By showing your true emotions your kids learn that it’s ok to have them AND to show them.
You’re not a robot and you don’t want your kids to become robots, but emotional and caring human beings.
Stay safe & sane – I‘m rooting for all of you!
I am so sorry for your loss. This breaks my heart.
I think not crying in front of your kids would have been wrong. This showed them how much you are hurting – just like them. You showed them it’s OK to cry when you are sad. Feeling like crying will come and go in waves. And some waves are tsunamis!
You will need to step up and be strong for your children. They are not capable of the full understanding we are. They, too, will experience grief in waves, They will also experience the loss in waves as they get older, and understand more.
You have many more tears you’ll share together. Just remember the good times and happy memories and continue to share laughter and joy, too.
I can’t be tell what is real or fake anymore
What a bunch of AH the relatives are.
It’s healthy to grieve with your kids. It provides an example for them. It would also be suitable for the three of you to get into therapy, to help provide some structure and potentially prevent you from getting stuck in the grief.
One thing I worried about with my kids was my grieving during the divorce from their father. I wanted to ensure I wasn’t parentifying them or placing too much of a burden on them. They were estranged from their dad, and he died 16 months after the divorce. Again, it was okay for them to see my grief, but we also all got some form of therapy.
All the best to you as take this healing journey.