This is my first time posting, so I’m not entirely sure where to begin. Also, english is not my first language so i apologize in advance.
My(21M) parents (52M and 45F) are currently going through a divorce. It’s not a nasty situation—just a recognition that they’ve stopped liking each other and can no longer stand being in the same room.
For some background: they’ve been married for just over 21 years (yes, I was the reason they got married), and aside from me (21M), they have another son (9M)—a full 11 years younger than me.
About two weeks ago, they had “the talk” with their lawyers. I’m away in another region of the country for college, but according to my mom, during the discussions, my father repeatedly questioned whether I was actually his son. He claimed I had ruined his life and called my mom horrible names (his words, not mine). My mom decided to settle the matter with a DNA test, so I had to take leave from college and return home. The test was conducted with lawyers present, and throughout the entire process, my dad refused to look at me or say a single word to me.
Afterward, I went back to college, and their divorce proceedings resumed. When the DNA results came back, my mom called me really cheerful and happy—I am indeed his son. The day passed without a single call from my dad. It took him two weeks to reach out, but I didn’t answer. Honestly, I had no desire to hear from someone who had been so adamant that I was nothing but a burden his entire life. My silence was interpreted as rebellion, and now everyone on my dad’s side of the family is angry with me.
So, my question is: Should I even try to have a relationship with my dad after what he said? And how can I make him understand how deeply his words hurt me?
Comments
NTA, honestly, why would you wanna keep someone around who thinks you’re a burden? He spent all that time questioning your existence instead of loving you. Take care of yourself first, you’re not obligated to fix his messed up views.
I totally understand why you’re hurt. It’s completely okay to feel this way. Whether you want to have a relationship with your dad is up to you, and it’s okay to take time to think about it. He needs to show that he regrets what he said before you even consider talking to him. If you do decide to talk to him, you can tell him how much his words hurt you, but only when you’re ready.
You’re not required to forgive anyone just because they’re family. If he doesn’t respect your feelings, it’s okay to take a step back or even cut contact. Your feelings and well-being matter, and you deserve people who support and care for you.
Wait. Why was your mom hysteric? Shouldn’t she have known very clearly that the test result would be this only? It’s an AH move by your dad to do this to you after you were already 21 since there is no child-care money to be paid or anything. However your mom being hysteric about the result makes me wonder if daddy dear actually had his valid reasons for the suspicion.
NTA he took his issues with your mom out on you. He’s done nothing to try to repair that. Even if you biologically weren’t his kid, he raised you for 21 years. That makes you his damn kid.
NTA.
“what do you care, according to him I’m a burden he doesn’t believe is his…” Would be my reply to them all.
NTA message your dad and demand a paternity test to prove he is your dad. When he points to the original insist that it only proves you are his son but doesn’t prove he’s your father.
You could consider posting your side including your sperm doners atrocious behaviour towards you. And the fact he weaponised his fatherhood in the divorce.
I would go no contact and never look back
Hey, first off, I just want to say I’m really sorry you’re going through this. No one deserves to be treated like that… especially not by a parent.
You’re absolutely NTA for cutting contact. Your father didn’t just question your biology, he attacked your identity, your value, and your place in his life. That kind of betrayal cuts deep. You had to stand in a room, take a DNA test, and be treated like a stranger by someone who should have always been your biggest supporter. Now that the results proved him wrong, he only reached out when he felt like it, with no apology or accountability? That’s NOT okay.
Right now, it’s okay to protect yourself, take space and say, “That hurt me too deeply, and I need time” or choose to ho NC and walk away for good.
Stay focused on your studies, your mental health, and the people who treat you with love and respect. You didn’t ruin anything, he’s the adult who made his own choices.
Whatever you decide, you’ve got every right to set boundaries that protect your peace.
Also, because I’m petty, for those on your ‘dads’ side of the family they really need to be put in their place, responses prepared below for maximum impact…
“Interesting how I wasn’t his son until a lab said so, but now I’m supposed to be the disrespectful one for not answering his calls?”
“Appreciate the sudden concern for family bonds. Wish that same energy had shown up before the DNA test.”
“He called me a burden, questioned my existence, and now I’m the bad guy for not picking up the phone? Tell him to try fatherhood next time instead of damage control.”
“Imagine needing scientific evidence to acknowledge your own child and still thinking I’m the one with issues.”
“Funny how none of you questioned him when he was denying me. But now you’re experts on respect and family values… Interesting.”
Good grief, I hope karma finds this man and his enabling family quickly.
On Father’s Day get him a best mum ever cup
I will never understand parents that blame their kids for their miserable lives